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Days Last Past

Good Morning Sunday.

What a day.

Yesterday.

1: on the day last past : on the day preceding today

2: at a time not long past : only a short time ago” Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary

Yesterday has such a powerful definition in just a few simple words.

Yesterday:

My Mother and Father arrived at 2:55p.m *(She called at 2:58).

So, the necessary visit only happened in a very small fraction.

I am upset/stressed/sad about this.

I wanted this over and done with yesterday like it was supposed to be.

They left at 5:00p.m.

Yes.

That’s correct.

I was quite shocked.

And yes, I cried. *(They are unaware of those emotions, for them and for me).

I was battling with being alone afterwards, and I lost the fight.

He arrived at 7:10p.m

Late.

Again.

*During those two hours, I did not want to waste my only day/time for myself, so I re-started I, Tonya *(We watched about half last Saturday together).

I had not watched it in awhile, and I wanted something different.

When he did arrive, we watched a little more of the movie, and he was hungry.

So, I bought him a $5 Box at Taco Bell and Ardy’s French Fries for myself. *I ended up spending the mon$ey I need for the next 1.5 Weeks. Angry about that.

But, I wanted to escape my Apartment *(and Town), but he didn’t have enough gas, so we had a car picnic by this pond.

We listened to music and he ate his Box Dinner.

We sat until sunset, then dark, and arrived back at my place.

He began falling asleep, so I just watched more of the movie and ordered something for myself to eat *(BIG mistake. Both Gastroparesis and Bank Account).

He was out, so I blew-out the candles and went to the bedroom *(he was on the futon).

I fell right asleep only to be woken at 4:45a.m by him so he could lie next to me.

A N G R Y.

First, I was ASLEEP. I never sleep well, and for once, I was in a good slumber.

Two, I wanted to be alone.

When he arrived, I felt the difference that began on Friday and last weekend.

And when I finally decided to get-up this morning *(I was dreading it), I just wanted him to disappear.

But, no.

He stayed for another two hours *(He did try to help with something the last 30 minutes he was here).

But, I just wanted to cry, process, and be alone.

Break.

I spoke with my Mother for 1 Hour and 10 minutes this morning. *(Are usual hour).

I asked her “Is it weird that I don’t want to live with anyone?”

Her response:

She gave me insight on her side of the Family and how my relatives, even married sleep in separate bedrooms.

Genetics?

I think so.

She apologized for the short Visit yesterday, and we talked about all kinds of things.

Him.

He is busy today doing guy stuff/fixing cars, so it will give me time to process how I feel.

I do know, I am not ready for two days of spending the night.

I do know and feel, there are still some feelings there, inside.

I just don’t know how deep.

After this Weekend, I am emotionally spent, and I still have a huge thing to accomplish on Tuesday, hopefully receiving a little extra money for selling my Original Nintendo *(6 Games & All 3 Controllers), and the up-coming weeks of anticipation/outcome of the Car Accident.

So, I need light and love.

Not, screaming and short visits.

I feel this photo is needed/necessary.

I am trying with everything I have, literally to survive, and I am splitting at the seams.

But, I’m still trying.

Morning Paper Stew

Good Morning, Saturday.

An early Saturday morning.

I awoke exactly at 4:25a.m. freaking out that I had to get up and go to Work/Educate

I had only been in slumber for maybe 1.5 hours?

Then, it hit me like a wall, it’s Saturday.

I actually had no concept of days and what was occurring around me.

But, I did remember this Work Week and last evening with Him.

My Friday night should have been, quiet, peaceful, relaxing.

Instead, errands, lifting,

Catbox.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

When I explained to him, it had to be an early evening since my Parents are coming down today.

He ended up leaving around 1:30a.m only to come back at 1:55a.m to apologize for what he did *(I also received apologies via text when he made it back to his place).

I don’t feel the same anymore after what occurred last evening.

Actually, I don’t feel the same about many things.

But, that is to be expected when what has happened, happened and I’m going to feel the outcome.

Today.

My Parents are coming down for a necessary visit.

I just spoke with my Mother, and it’s going to be a short and sad visit due to the conversation and strains.

So, I guess I’ll have March 23 as a memory of the best visit we had in a year.

Every corner of my outside World and inside me is in pain, chaos.

And I wish it didn’t have to be.

Just like future today,

The Visit doesn’t have to be sad, but my Mother has decided that’s what it’s going to be.

After their Visit, He is supposed to come over later.

It’s impossible when everywhere I belong, there is a twist and wrench bringing me down.

What’s on the record player *(Metaphor, but I did used to own one. And I bought my Parents a really nice one for Christmas 7 years ago. That they’ve used once.)

Neil Young

After The Gold Rush, 1970.

Track?

Don’t Let It Bring You Down *(Annie Lennox’s version is in the film American Beauty).

This track is perfect for a reminder that it’s not my fault for other individuals emotional distress and how they handle *(or not) towards me.

I am tired of it.

Reaction is everything to me, and I’m always the punching bag then expected to just get right back up and feel, love, get-along.

I’m losing that way.

I feel branches tearing from the roots.

Bare, my Soul,

Tired.

“Old man lying
by the side of the road
With the lorries rolling by,
Blue moon sinking
from the weight of the load
And the buildings scrape the sky,
Cold wind ripping
down the alley at dawn
And the morning paper flies,
Dead man lying
by the side of the road
With the daylight in his eyes.

Don’t let it bring you down
It’s only castles burning,
Find someone who’s turning
And you will come around.

Blind man running
through the light
of the night
With an answer in his hand,
Come on down
to the river of sight
And you can really understand,
Red lights flashing
through the window
in the rain,
Can you hear the sirens moan?
White cane lying
in a gutter in the lane,
If you’re walking home alone.

Don’t let it bring you down
It’s only castles burning,
Just find someone who’s turning
And you will come around.

Don’t let it bring you down
It’s only castles burning,
Just find someone who’s turning
And you will come around.” Don’t Let It Bring You Down by Neil Young

Electric, Sensible Rainbows Part 2

Good Evening Sunday.

An early evening.

I hear the 6:00p.m Town Bells ringing *(They Ring at 12:00p.m and at 6:00p.m everyday).

Lets get down to business.

I am sick as a dog.

I always wondered where that phrase originated from, but, currently, fits me.

I just swallowed my second dose of the Prescription I had from March.

I tried to eat Gluten Free Chicken Noodle Soup at 2:30 and I was knocked out.

The Prescription Side Effects are killer.

Oddly, I did not have them in March nor December.

But, I do now.

And I remember it all too well.

So, what a waste of a

Sunday.

Yes, Sundays are Anxiety City for me, but I’m tired of being trapped in bed over the Weekend *(Saturdays, many hours my Disability recouping as I complete my Saturday Routine until Evening falls).

I truly hope these two doses whip me back into shape.

If not, things are looking dim.

Him.

He has messaged me even while he’s doing his guy stuff.

He is aware how ill I am.

As is my youngest Cat.

He is sad that he couldn’t lay with me today *(I tried, and almost vomited mid-air).

It’s so quiet.

It gave me a chance to reminisce about my College and Grad. School #1 years.

Thinking of those times, puts me in a sad place.

Why?

My Disability.

I see photos and how young and free I was.

I become really down and then get caught inside my head and that’s the danger zone.

When I get in, I can’t get out.

And that’s been since 03302015.

But, as I was inside my mind, cranking out the nostalgia, something told me to text my Friend of 26 Years *(The Friend I got to see/visit with randomly back in January).

He replied, and stated he has a 5 Hour Drive tomorrow, which happens to be the same time I am on my Split-Shift break.

For a few moments, I felt electric.

Recalling even our last Visit together *(I’m still shocked it happened here), and how far back we go as Friends.

He is my oldest Friend by time.

August 1993.

We met in our Eighth Grade Classes *(for some odd reason, we had the same Teacher for most of our Core Subjects, instead of moving from Class to Class like usual)

We became instant Friends.

I even think we dated for like a week.

I just wanted to be his friend.

And that Friendship continues today.

Yes, with great Distance and lack of Visits, but when we do talk, it’s catching up with current life and then the past always finds its way in. *(For the first two years of High School, he had to attend our Rival School due to Zoning Laws. Then, our Junior Year, he got to chose, either to stay or come to the HS he was always meant to be at. He came. And we had Lunch together that year).

Even though I was a hard 13 year old Hoodlum *(I truly was), I was devastated that we would be separated.

He was too.

We would talk on the phone after school, but it was not the same, and by Sophomore year, he had new Friends and was different.

But, when he came to our HS, he was the same person I met in Eighth Grade.

The most time we actually spent together was in 2004.

I was in-between just Graduating from College and going on to Graduate School #1.

I was home that year due to my

Total Abdominal Hysterectomy.

When I physically recovered, I got a Job in the Restaurant Business *(Those Culinary Arts roots), and he was still living with his Parents.

So, it made hanging out easy.

Plus, him and I were in dark places and we never judged eachother for our choices.

I think his room was darker than mine, but we still had fun.

I left for Graduate School that following January, and I think that made him feel left-out.

We were all moving on with our lives, and he was stuck.

But, we kept in contact and Spring Breaks, I would see him *(Just like College).

Now, in the past eight years, we’ve seen eachother 3 times.

Distance is the main factor, and there was a time I was in complete isolation from everyone *(He didn’t understand) and our Visits were always over Thanksgiving *(That’s when he would come down to see his Family then Me).

Thanksgiving 2011 was great.

I had just re-located, out of my Parents House *(Horrific 13 month experience), and I was an Adjunct Professor at two Community Colleges, had my Dog, and was happy.

We had a fantastic visit.

I didn’t see him again until 2014 then 2019.

I hope to see him again soon.

As time is ticking away.

And I don’t mean in the definition of metaphorically.

The latter attachment is how I feel when I become nostalgic.

For most, it brings happiness, joy.

For me, melancholy.

It’s due to my Disability and it will be forever.

But, I do hold on to certain memories over others that do give me happiness to a space inside that is filled with pain *(Physical and emotional).

Once again, I’m in hope I am well enough when the alarm sounds in eight hours.

I always try my best.

Even in unrealistic expectations and colorless rainbows.

Mending Hearts

Good Afternoon, Sunday.

Oh boy.

I’m in bed, sick.

It started yesterday around 1:00p.m.

Sneezing

Runny Nose

Cold

I thought, either the erratic weather change or the 4 Marlboros I smoked on Friday. *(I know, I know. tsk tsk).

I had a 44 minute Session with my Specialist *(The Sessions are supposed to be 50-60 minutes).

It went okay.

I did learn things about myself after my Specialist had to end the Session abruptly to take a Call.

And, Him.

We spoke yesterday for about 2 hours. *(Or less).

I decided I didn’t want to be alone even though I was coming down with something.

Our Talk is what made me make my choice/decision to see him last evening.

The conversation needed to be had, and it was.

He arrived at 7:50p.m on the dot.

I had already been letting tears go from earlier emotions, so I could have my heart clear and really be there.

He was too.

We watched Terminator 2 Judgement Day, and with him and I with very little money, I ordered *(and paid for) a cheap Dinner.

He ate.

I did not.

I wasn’t hungry.

After dinner, we sat and talked more.

The original Saturday Night Plan was just a movie and maybe food, then I head to bed due to not feeling so hot.

Instead, we watched 80’s Videos and things became intense.

Things were said that needed to be said and heard.

*I did not tell him about the necklace, but I retrieved it from the garbage bin and put it in the box in came in.

We continued to talk until we fell asleep.

I woke up at 7:45a.m for some reason believing it was 8:45a.m.

He departed after putting the futon together for me.

After he left, I went to bed, hoping dreams and that I made the right choices and decisions regarding last evening.

I awoke shortly later, feeling worse.

I even vomited in my bathroom sink *(From the Sinus Drainage).

Chills

Sneezing

And Sinus City.

I took all my needed Medication then an Rx to help with my Disability and then at 11:45a.m, I couldn’t take it, so I found my Prescription from March and re-started a Dose. *(Luckily, the bottle is mostly full).

I did call my Mother before for

Mother’s Day.

We spoke for 1 Hour and 8 Minutes.

It was a nice talk (even feeling sicker as the morning went on).

Him and I exchanged morning messages.

Me, how I’m feeling worse than yesterday, but I did enjoy our time together *(He said it first. The ‘time’ part).

His Sunday is occupied with guy stuff and working on his car.

Sunday’s for him is his day to unwind.

Like how Saturday Evenings are for me.

That’s why it was difficult at first to make the choice/decision to have him come over.

But, I truly did not want to sit alone last evening.

I wanted to talk.

I felt so disconnected from him, and that it was all slipping away, and I wanted to know why.

And to see, if I still had my heart in it.

Not just filling a void *(like before).

My Heart is still in it, but I am wary regarding things between us.

I have to see a change on his part as I have to release and trust.

This will take a lot of work and dedication for me to trust again, 100%.

Obviously, I trust him with what I have shared and my time with him, but there’s more to it all.

I really do need to see the change him and I spoke about yesterday on the telephone *(before his arrival).

I am hoping him and I can become more then just what we are now, if it is meant to be.

He is my only Friend here *(and he lives in another town, but close enough to maintain our relationship).

And, I don’t want that to be the deciding factor why I remain in this Relationship.

We met late March, and he asked me to ‘Be his girl” April 18, and our first Date was the following day *(Friday evening)

When he shocked me with the Necklace.

His feelings are fast and very intense for the amount of time we’ve been together.

But, he explained why on April 18, and I truthfully understand.

I just have to learn, re-program myself to Trust.

I attached the first picture because it reminds me of Him and I and how our lives mirror eachother with different circumstances, but the same feelings.

The second, I feel that it represents us.

No, we are not Heroin Junkies, but we both have been through hell in past Relationships.

And, maybe, this time, can be different for both of us.

Me, I do not feel as intensely as he does *(No, he is unaware of this), but I do have feelings inside for him.

It’s time and change that will either give me more heart or to let-go.

Now, I just need whatever this is to go away, so I can have a good Sunday without too much Anxiety and be ready for my Work Week.

*I am quite sad currently. In regards to the Major Event from last Tuesday and other personal things.

I’m trying my best to keep it all inside and be who I’m supposed to be.

Emotionally, I’m still trying to figure that out.

But, I am trying.

Music, War, And Breakups

Good Morning Saturday.

Laundry going, Cleaning, and Music.

Saturday Routine in full effect.

What’s on the turn-table?

Emerson, Lake, & Palmer

Title Album, 1970.

An Album I heard as a child. *(One of my Mother’s Bands). My Parents took turns playing their Albums (then Cassettes) on Saturdays.

My Father would throw on ELO (Electric Light Orchestra) then my Mother would switch it up with The Rolling Stones then my Father would put an Album they both enjoyed.

I heard alot of Classic Rock and Motown from 8-10.

Living with my late Grandfather, very different story *(and life).

I have this particular Album on rotation due to a Song that is dear to my heart that was used in the new Netflix Film, Extremely Wicked Shockingly Evil And Vile.

I was shocked when I heard the track’s chorus begin in the scene where Bundy (played by Zac Efron) is pulled away in cuffs from the Courtroom.

I had to turn around to see if my ears were hearing truth *(like I can see the song, but a part of me is inside that song).

When I re-watched the Netflix Film, I rewound that scene at least three times *(or more).

They took a Song that belonged to me, and ripped it away and gave it something dark, forever attached to that scene and real life serial killer.*(Zac Efron looks too much like him (Ted Bundy).

Now, the song is damaged and I have to remember, pull from within and put it back where it belongs.

That Song belongs to not just me, but my Family.

Even now, I cannot control my feelings, as my eyes water.

It’s played in honor of my (late) Great-Uncle who was wounded then killed in action at 19 in WWII *(France). **I’ve written a great short about it and posted it here. As well as my experience at The Anne Frank Huis, when I heard ‘G Company’ over the little radio in real time (1944).

That was my Great-Uncle. G Company.

As tears roll slowly down my fair skin, and I recall being in France, and my Experience at The Anne Frank Huis, and then someone in 2002 (but I didn’t come across it until 9 years later) looking for Relatives of my late Great-Uncle (He was killed in action alongside this Woman’s Father).

It’s hard to listen.

So, that concludes that the song has been returned to where it belongs.

Tears For Fears plays now.

So, Friday.

Well this week…

Painful.

Not going to write about it yet.

I’m still processing what occurred at my Major Event on Tuesday and what was done to me on Thursday.

But, Friday.

I just wanted to sleep.

Dream of something better or memories.

Instead, I spent time, me time as I decided to wait for him.

Then he tells me he’s tired and he wants to see me tomorrow.

HELL NO.

I am SO TIRED of this.

Men, wasting my fucking time.

Perusual, he was doing what he wanted to do and by 11:00p.m, I was DONE.

I am still.

I ripped the necklace from my neck and placed it ontop of the garbage bin.

I even told him ‘It’s over.’

And he refused and said ‘I’m not dealing with this now. I will see you tomorrow.’

Oh no you won’t.

He’s 100% absolutely controlling and I’m not dealing with that again because I’m lonely.

So, I watched about half of Cinderella Man and then Netflix.

Enjoying the fact I didn’t have to wake-up on his time and clean.

Instead, I got to wake up in bed with both good and bad dreams and got an extra 2.5 hours of uninterrupted slumber.

As I will return to soon.

Saturday:

Finish my Routine, and watch a good Film.

I need to heal from what happened/occurred this week.

That means alone.

Bloom Reversed

Good Morning Sunday.

No pause necessary.

Did I have an epic nostalgic Saturday night?

Somewhat in a sense.

I did view The Breakfast Club, and watched it with memories and rewinds of scenes for the Writing and memories.

After the movie, I decided to start The Terminator.

Didn’t get very far.

Why?

I chose to eat and that always ends my plans and evening.

Why?

Gastroparesis.

Gastroparesis
Also called: delayed gastric emptying
A condition that affects the stomach muscles and prevents proper stomach emptying.

Rare

Fewer than 200,000 US cases per year

Treatment can help, but this condition can’t be cured

Requires a medical diagnosis

Lab tests or imaging often required

Chronic: can last for years or be lifelong” Mayo Clinic

All I ate was Popcorn then a Sandwich *(Gluten Free Hamburger Bun, Deli Meat(Angus Beef), Munster Cheese, Pickles(2), Mayo & Mustard).

Now:

“People may experience:
Pain areas: in the abdomen
Gastrointestinal: nausea, belching, bloating, heartburn, indigestion, regurgitation, or vomiting
Whole body: feeling full sooner than normal or loss of appetite” Mayo Clinic

I ate Friday evening too, so I’m really paying the price.

At least, I somewhat enjoyed my Saturday Evening to be awake to Nightmares at 5:30a.m then at 6:30, Neighbors calling/yelling for their Dog.

Now.

Sunday.

I would like more rest, but 1, my Landlord is stopping by for Rent, 2, I don’t want the Nightmares to unpause, 3, I want more Free Time.

1 Day, is not enough. Especially, when Disability is in the mix of it all.

But, my eyes are heavy.

Legs too as my youngest cat sleeps on my lap, curled half-way in-dreams.

I would love to spend this morning finishing The Terminator and then just relaxing.

This up-coming week at Work/Educate is normalcy *(No District “Half-Days” etc).

But, Tuesday, the Major Event has me down.

I’m trying my best to let it be for now.

And Him?

As perusual, he wanted Saturday Plans, but screwed them up again by doing what he wants, when he wants without any consideration.

Oh well for him.

I’m fine.

Just don’t want to make the same mistake I did in 2017.

Radiohead is playing.

The King Of Limbs.

An Album I really got into when it was released in 2011.

Bloom, the opening Track is beautiful.

I always felt a personal connection/contact to that Track.

Now, it fits what I’m going through with him.

I’m further away because he pushed me away.

He thinks of himself without comprehending the outcome

He wants me to feel some sort of sorrow for him.

None of that is what I need and don’t want to keep him inside when I am aware there is nothing for me in it.

As the Track fades out, the lyric “That’s what keeps me alive” plays.

I wonder now, what keeps me alive?

Electric, Sensible Rainbows Part I

Good Afternoon, Saturday.

Just completed a three-part 52 minute Session with my Specialist.

Shockingly, it went well.

Which is exactly what was needed.

I have chosen to relax this Saturday, take my time with my Routine, actually found dreams after a wonderful *(and I do NOT throw that word around lightly) 1 Hour and 13 Minute telephone conversation with my Mother.

I need today to be peacefull and filled with kindness and my mind at ease.

My Parents returned on Friday from their Yearly Anniversary Trip *(They have been going once a year for 10 years now).

Monday, was their 40th Wedding Anniversary.

40 Years.

I felt/feel sadden that I could not do something for them on their Day *(When I was in a better Financial life, I always went all out for their Wedding Anniversary.

I’m talking: 2009

They were in Memphis, and I called the Hotel they were staying at, so I could pay the Bill, but it was prepaid, so I had the Hotel Manager give me names of the finest Restaurants in the area *(I’ve never been to Memphis or in general,Tennessee).

I set-up the most extravagant Dining Experience at a Restaurant called Fleming’s.

The Bill was over $200.00.

I didn’t care.

I would have spent more. *(And I set this all up from Texas too).

And my Mother brought up that evening today because they went to Fleming’s for their Anniversary Dinner.

My Mother then recalled other Anniversaries that I set-up for them.

The memories are good, but it makes me sad I cannot afford to do that anymore let alone anything for myself.

Now, listening to Motley Crue and going to continue letting time be then being time.

I haven’t decided on the Films for tonight, but I’m feeling The Breakfast Club *(Yes, watched it last Saturday/Sunday), but I’m in this 80’s/Academic Mood).

Maybe from what happened yesterday, maybe my own experiences/memories of HS, maybe wanting things to be different.

I’ve started NYPD Blue Season 4, and it’s great, so that might be on the list.

But, whatever I chose, it will be with purpose and nostalgic pieces.

“[…]I’m young, running free
A little bit better than I use to be. Cause I’m alive.” Live Wire by Motley Crue

That’s what I need tonight.

And so far, I am.