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Good Morning, Wednesday.
The News Is As Follows:
My Eldest Cat Was Diagnosed With
Stage II-Stage III Kidney Disease.
His BUN read 180.
The Highest Level For A Feline, 30.
I noticed on Saturday, his dry food bowl was still completely full.
I thought maybe it was the heat. *(It was 83° in the Apartment).
Monday, I called a local Vet I googled.
They told me to wait another 24 Hours.
I called yesterday morning, and brought him at 9:30a.m *(I had to cancel an Interview due to this).
He seemed up-beat, even playful there.
We are new Clients, so we had to wait a bit.
When the Vet completed the
Physical Exam, she stated (“His R Kidney is enlarged).”
He went back for an X-Ray and Blood Work.
Almost 2 hours later, that’s when we got the Results/News.
The Vet said “With no Treatment Plan at all, he would be dead in a week.”
My Mother could not afford to lend me the money for the suggested Plan, so after $450.33 later, my Eldest Cat received a Sub Q Hydro Implant, Antibiotic *(Injection), and a Powder to put on his food to see if that assists in getting to eat again.
I then went to my local Grocery Store, and with finances I don’t have, purchased Eleven Cans of Wetfood, Chicken Broth*(Vet recommended it), and Baby Wipes to clean him *(A few other essentials too).
He still has not eaten, so I am going to try a different approach like I did five years ago, when he stopped eating and almost died.
And take advice from a College Friend whose Cat had Kidney Disease, and her feeding methods she used to help her Kittie.
So, on-top of everything, now I have to deal with my eldest Cat, dying.
He’s only 8.
He’s been with me for 5.5 years now.
He lost his Dog Brother to moving.
He lost his first Cat Brother due to a Premature Death.
My youngest Cat doesn’t understand what is occurring, but is aware something is going on, something is wrong. *(Yesterday morning, my youngest Cat was standing in the bedroom door way, looking at me. I prepared myself for the worst. He led me right to my eldest Cat, who was lying down in a place he never has here).
I knew, I had to take him in.
So, I’m going to try this late morning, to get him to eat and stay with me.
*Photo is from November 17, 2013.
He had only been in my Life for 8 Months.
He’s my Best-Friend.
We’ve been through so much together.
And, I don’t want his Life to end like this.
I Love You, My Beautiful Boy.
An illusion that no human can ever touch or photograph completely.
But, gives hope and wonder in and to our existence.”
Good Evening/Morning, Sunday.
Due To Going To Visit My Father *(Original Post Provided Above), My Job That One, Decided To Eliminate Me As Full-Time To Part-Time, Made The Decision On Friday, August 2 That Visiting My Father Is An “Unexcused Absence,” Therefore Friday, August 2. Was My Last Day.
And I say that with rage.
I was 11 days shy of my One Year Anniversary at my former Employer, Relocated for said former Employer, Everything that has occurred since I moved, then bringing the Program back to life, then asked to Create the Summer Program *(It was featured in the local Newspaper).
The decision is heartless and dictatorial.
The individual that made this decision “thinks” that being in HR for however years has anything to do with this is 100% untrue and is breaking the Disability Act of 1990.
So, with that being said,
I now have lost everything and it makes me so angry at choices and situations now.
I have future Employment, but it doesn’t begin until September, and Financially, I cannot hold out that long.
But, Friday after the decision was made, and I left, no tears were shed.
I went out looking for Work and then went to the Grille/Pub to mourn my loss *(The place I went with my Mother and oldest Friend), and came home exhausted and had an early evening due to an unexpected early Saturday rise.
6:30a.m awake, got ready and within a few hours found myself at my Future Employer, Painting for about 4 Hours.
We have an Event next Weekend, so were in crunch mode.
My new Employer, is a fantastic person, and has visions of great success for our new School, and myself *(for my new Employer’s self too).
Being busy on Saturday helped remind me of what is to come and recall who I am.
Yes, another loss, and I know I will grieve this Sunday, but it felt good that I was a part of building our new School.
When I arrived home, I was beat.
I quickly ran an errand, took a bath, laundry and prepared to leave to visit my Father.
I was able to get up North and that’s where I will be until this afternoon.
Monday holds a busy day:
and a Marketing Meeting at future Employment.
I am a Schedule individual, so I need to stay busy and productive.
I am in-hope that I can find a Job/Employment to hold me over until September, and I will be doing just that as I still prepare for future Employment.
I’m not giving up on my new School.
The dream is almost there.
Good Morning, Saturday.
What I fool I am.
It had been exactly a month since we had any contact.
Last evening, something inside me, told me just to call. *(I hadn’t tried to call him in three weeks).
So, I called, 11:41p.m.
He picked up, I said “Hey,” and before I could say anything else, HE HUNG UP.
I WAS LIVID. BEYOND.
After his big song and dance about never just vanishing no matter what happens, look at this.
No, I never loved him, even if I said it back, but I was trying to learn if I could.
And his song and dance about how he had not loved anyone in 4 years, truth?
But, why do people just vanish?
How does one just say one day “I’m never going to talk to her again without any explanation.”
This has now happened to me twice this year.
It’s as if I’m disposable.
And, it hurts.
But, I have to remind myself,
I never had butterflies when I answered the door.
I cringed at the thought of him spending the evening.
I was somewhere else most of the time when we were together.
BUT, he states “I really hope you’re okay” on June 20, when I was at the Hospital having Tests done.
Then vanishes, completely.
That Sunday, I just should have said Good-Bye.
And he knew I wanted to.
And I should have.
“If you got love in your sights, watch out. When you’re alone, do you let go?” Def Leppard
I still give myself away after I made promises to myself.
To fill the emptiness?
And it’s ridiculous, like my life.
Good Morning Sunday.
A Snow Storm and too many feelings for a decision begin my day *(besides laundry).
This Weekend has been a blur.
I mean this metaphorically and in physical presence.
I have been doing research on the impacts of different ways Concussions effect an individual, and mine is still Moderate.
*That’s why my Doc wanted me on mandatory rest for 3 Days, but only got 2. *(Well Both days, I had Tests, and Friday morning was stressful for me)
I have a MAJOR decision to make/complete this week, but I don’t know how.
Once again, I feel like a failure and under pressure.
I don’t want to have complete this decision, but it’s looking more and more in that direction of life.
I look at my two Cats. Both ontop of the bed.
One window gazing, but ready for kitty dreams.
And a part of this decision is letting one of them go.
How am I supposed to choose?
By time? Which Cat have I had longer? Which Cat is Older/Younger.
Bond? Which Cat has a stronger relationship with me, more affectionate, close.
Well, My Older Cat:
I Rescued/Adopted Him in February 2013.
He is now Eight Years Old, and he has been through it all: my old life, Disability, re-locating twice, the loss of pets *(one to Premature Death).
My Other Cat:
Today, marks the 1 Year Anniversary I Rescued/Adopted Him.
He is now 3 years old. Has relocated once and been through a lot this past year.
He is the one who shows the most affection *(since the day I rescued him).
But, hurt my other Cat.
My Other Cat is a great Talker, but he’s your usual feline.
In the past five months, his happy place is in an unpacked box in my bedroom closet.
He’s in there most of the day. *(A lot of it I think is to separate himself from my other Cat).
When I’m sick with my Disability, alone, my newest Cat is right there.
He’s with me always.
My other Cat used to be like that before I became Disabled and Rescued/Adopted my (late) Cat.
So, is that how I chose?
Why should I have to?
The circumstances I am in, it is this way.
And I still have Sunday to worry about.
I never thought I would use this Photo again.
But, it’s beyond accurate.
The Snow, Tears, Circumstances.
It’s a still-shot I took and edited.
It also makes me think of these lyrics:
“All of the dreams that get harder All of the things that I offer you
[…] Maybe the tears and the highs we breathe […]
But you’re not what you thought you were
(Make you leave)
But you’re not what you thought you were
(You leave).” Lorde
Good Morning Monday.
Lying ontop of my destroyed beautiful white Comforter in pain as I prepare for my Work Day. *(I did not go in my a.m. Split-Shift. I am still in a lot of pain).
This Weekend was awful.
Friday was okay.
But, my anticipations for Saturday, broke me.
I was supposed to have Plans *(Another Date) with the new person. We even confirmed late Friday night, and he just vanished.
I DON’T GET IT.
By Noon, when I did not here from him, I knew “something” was wrong.
So, I sent a text after 6p.m., Nothing.
So, I decided to just be alone.
Re-Watched The Dirt and did my Saturday Routine, and spoke with my Friend later that evening via Messenger.
I was a mess Sunday.
In so much pain.
My face hurts, eyes swollen, body aches.
I did not complete any Sunday Routine.
Instead, sticking-up for myself which caused a massive break in the Nuclear Family.
But, I’m tired of the double standards, and in-between Family Dynamics i.e consistency.
That fight, pushed me over the edge.
I needed assistance getting my Disability Rx, and ended up talking for 1 Hour 50 Min.
I felt somewhat better in the emotional sense, but physically still in so much pain.
*Still no word from new person.
I have 4 Days of Split-Shift this week, and then a break next week.
Spring-Break, so my Hours change.
And I change.
More, me time.
I cannot function on literally 2.5 Hours a Day of me time.
I just had an epiphany:
I know why I have changed, shifted personally with myself and my Secret,
I don’t have enough
I feel under pressure, pressure from literally coming home, Routine, take care of house, Cats, then sometimes not even 2.5 Hours to myself.
I even had to break now to finish getting ready *(Since becoming Disabled, “getting ready for work is difficult. I’ve never told anyone. I have to do it in Stages due to my Tachycardia, Legs, and Medication).
Now, return to stated epiphany:
Me Time for myself means unwinding from my day without interruptions and quiet.
Yes, I watch Television, but it’s time for myself.
Even before I was Disabled, I always had Me Time.
But, 2.5 hours then getting up 7 hours later (NEVER straight slumber, always interrupted) and Work/Educate 6:15-8:30.m then returning 12-6p.m *(Some Days due to Districts Schedules 11:00a.m), and during my Break, I’m continuously running errands, laundry, and maybe have 1.5 hours of a Break.
I am tired.
Now, with the Accident, it’s impossible.
But, I am needed.
So, with that being said, I need to have a little silence.
The pain is intense and my body is heavy.
When will there be a light in the cracks of my misfortune.
“Every entanglement works loose at last. While we are sure of our truth and hold it fast, Our lives gloss over those with bad designs. A change of setting does not change the lines.” Attila Jozsef
Good Morning Saturday.
I was in a horrific accident on Thursday Afternoon. Aprox. 3:19p.m.
My Vechile, everything I’ve done, gave, borrowed, is gone.
I took 8 Stiches.
I look like
And, was anybody there?
On Social Media, Yes due to the gory photo I posted.
In Real Life?
The only person who sat with me, listened, saw me in a bad mental and physical state, drove me home and then drove me the day after to retrieve my poor, lost car, is someone at my Job.
My own Mother still hasn’t called to see if I’m okay.
She did however scream to me “You’re never messaging me while I’m at work again.” (EVERYONE in my E.R Room heard that. I was embarrassed and deeply sad).
I did return to Work/Educate Yesterday.
A 5 Hour Day (which seemed longer than that just due to the injuries I sustained).
After I clocked out, I had to run a necessary errand, and now everything takes more time because I only have 1 feasible working door.
So, what seemed forever, I noticed it was past/passed 7:30 to be exact 7:33p.m.
I couldn’t sit there, still recalling it all.
PTSD from all the Blood pouring from me.
So, I left.
I wanted to run.
But, I ended up at my Local Spot hoping to talk to the girl I befriended there.
Unfortunately, it was unusually busy for that time of evening, so it was just mini conversations in-between guests. *(I was in the Culinary/Restaurant Business for 7 years, so I understand and know the game. (I Worked at 5 Restaurants/Bar as a Cook, Hostess, and Server. And Attended a Culinary Arts Program at a Vocational Institute my Senior Year of Highschool and proceeded on to Culinary Arts School then Changing my Majors and Colleges).
I stayed until after hours, speaking with her Husband and got to meet their Daughter and I departed around 11:00p.m *(Or later).
I arrived at 11:30 and right away got comfortable and finished watching The Dirt. A Special On Netflix based on a Book by Motley Crüe.
It was laughable at most.
But, musically, terrific.
I’m probably one of the few Women who listens to the Records and not wanting a Band Member. *(I will agree, when Nikki Sixx was young/in his prime, he was good looking, or as I would say, Fine).
After the Flick, I finished an Episode of NYPD Blue. *(I’m on Season Three).
I crashed hard on my (late) Grandfather’s couch for a few then decided I wanted to dream in bed, hoping when I awoke, it was just all a bad dream.
Good Morning Sunday.
In-bed with some out-of-the-blue Stomach bug and thinking why is it so damn difficult to meet someone.
I heard from my Date last evening.
“You are too much drama but are a good person. After thinking about it, I don’t think we would get along. So, you now can have peace.”
Laughing My Fucking Ass Off.
He didn’t get his
And I KNEW it was a mistake to have him over.
Every piece of me was rejecting the idea of having him over.
Why did I?
To tell the absolute truth?
I don’t know.
I’m in a space so deep with my new Disgnosis, the Unknown of it, and my Current Life, I’m not 100% into “Dating” right now.
What he wanted?
So, I feel there is something wrong with me.
I spoke with my Mother this morning for forty-four minutes, and told her what occurred and what I think, feel in regards to myself.
She listened and tried to understand.
We did talk about our Visit and the nice hours we had *(This was the longest Visit with both my Parents together since I moved here. Six Hours to be exact).
I could tell my Mother had things to do, and she wanted me to rest.
My Stomach is awful and I needed today to go peaceful as it could have.
The One Year Anniversary of my late Cat’s passing,
4 Year Anniversary of 03302015
And alot of stress/pressure in my life.
I still have so much to do today, but with my abdomen the way it is, I’m in-bed.
And, I don’t know why/where this came from.
Like my life.
I will try to dream if my body will let me.
And maybe I can find an answer to why I cannot meet someone.
And I mean in a painful way, not sadness like it will all heal.
Heartbreaking as if I don’t have a Person out there.