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The Choice Patrol

Good Morning Sunday.

A Snow Storm and too many feelings for a decision begin my day *(besides laundry).

This Weekend has been a blur.

I mean this metaphorically and in physical presence.

Physical: Concussion.

I have been doing research on the impacts of different ways Concussions effect an individual, and mine is still Moderate.

*That’s why my Doc wanted me on mandatory rest for 3 Days, but only got 2. *(Well Both days, I had Tests, and Friday morning was stressful for me)

Metaphorically:

I have a MAJOR decision to make/complete this week, but I don’t know how.

Once again, I feel like a failure and under pressure.

I don’t want to have complete this decision, but it’s looking more and more in that direction of life.

I look at my two Cats. Both ontop of the bed.

One asleep.

One window gazing, but ready for kitty dreams.

And a part of this decision is letting one of them go.

How am I supposed to choose?

By time? Which Cat have I had longer? Which Cat is Older/Younger.

Bond? Which Cat has a stronger relationship with me, more affectionate, close.

Well, My Older Cat:

I Rescued/Adopted Him in February 2013.

He is now Eight Years Old, and he has been through it all: my old life, Disability, re-locating twice, the loss of pets *(one to Premature Death).

My Other Cat:

Today, marks the 1 Year Anniversary I Rescued/Adopted Him.

He is now 3 years old. Has relocated once and been through a lot this past year.

He is the one who shows the most affection *(since the day I rescued him).

But, hurt my other Cat.

My Other Cat is a great Talker, but he’s your usual feline.

In the past five months, his happy place is in an unpacked box in my bedroom closet.

He’s in there most of the day. *(A lot of it I think is to separate himself from my other Cat).

When I’m sick with my Disability, alone, my newest Cat is right there.

He’s with me always.

My other Cat used to be like that before I became Disabled and Rescued/Adopted my (late) Cat.

So, is that how I chose?

Why should I have to?

The circumstances I am in, it is this way.

And I still have Sunday to worry about.

I never thought I would use this Photo again.

But, it’s beyond accurate.

The Snow, Tears, Circumstances.

It’s a still-shot I took and edited.

It also makes me think of these lyrics:

All of the dreams that get harder All of the things that I offer you

And all of the shit that we harbour
[…] Maybe the tears and the highs we breathe […]
But you’re not what you thought you were But you’re not what you thought you were

(Liability)
But you’re not what you thought you were
(Make you leave)
But you’re not what you thought you were
(You leave).” Lorde

Cracks Of Misfortune

Good Morning Monday.

Yes, Monday.

Lying ontop of my destroyed beautiful white Comforter in pain as I prepare for my Work Day. *(I did not go in my a.m. Split-Shift. I am still in a lot of pain).

This Weekend was awful.

Friday was okay.

But, my anticipations for Saturday, broke me.

I was supposed to have Plans *(Another Date) with the new person. We even confirmed late Friday night, and he just vanished.

I DON’T GET IT.

By Noon, when I did not here from him, I knew “something” was wrong.

So, I sent a text after 6p.m., Nothing.

So, I decided to just be alone.

Re-Watched The Dirt and did my Saturday Routine, and spoke with my Friend later that evening via Messenger.

Sunday.

Nothing.

I was a mess Sunday.

In so much pain.

My face hurts, eyes swollen, body aches.

I did not complete any Sunday Routine.

Instead, sticking-up for myself which caused a massive break in the Nuclear Family.

But, I’m tired of the double standards, and in-between Family Dynamics i.e consistency.

That fight, pushed me over the edge.

I needed assistance getting my Disability Rx, and ended up talking for 1 Hour 50 Min.

I felt somewhat better in the emotional sense, but physically still in so much pain.

*Still no word from new person.

I have 4 Days of Split-Shift this week, and then a break next week.

Why?

Spring-Break, so my Hours change.

And I change.

More, me time.

I cannot function on literally 2.5 Hours a Day of me time.

I just had an epiphany:

I know why I have changed, shifted personally with myself and my Secret,

I don’t have enough

Me Time.

I feel under pressure, pressure from literally coming home, Routine, take care of house, Cats, then sometimes not even 2.5 Hours to myself.

I even had to break now to finish getting ready *(Since becoming Disabled, “getting ready for work is difficult. I’ve never told anyone. I have to do it in Stages due to my Tachycardia, Legs, and Medication).

Now, return to stated epiphany:

Me Time for myself means unwinding from my day without interruptions and quiet.

Yes, I watch Television, but it’s time for myself.

Even before I was Disabled, I always had Me Time.

But, 2.5 hours then getting up 7 hours later (NEVER straight slumber, always interrupted) and Work/Educate 6:15-8:30.m then returning 12-6p.m *(Some Days due to Districts Schedules 11:00a.m), and during my Break, I’m continuously running errands, laundry, and maybe have 1.5 hours of a Break.

I am tired.

Now, with the Accident, it’s impossible.

But, I am needed.

So, with that being said, I need to have a little silence.

The pain is intense and my body is heavy.

When will there be a light in the cracks of my misfortune.

“Every entanglement works loose at last. While we are sure of our truth and hold it fast, Our lives gloss over those with bad designs. A change of setting does not change the lines.” Attila Jozsef

Theatre Of Pain

Good Morning Saturday.

I was in a horrific accident on Thursday Afternoon. Aprox. 3:19p.m.

My Vechile, everything I’ve done, gave, borrowed, is gone.

Me?

I took 8 Stiches.

I look like

Frankenstein.

And, was anybody there?

No.

On Social Media, Yes due to the gory photo I posted.

In Real Life?

The only person who sat with me, listened, saw me in a bad mental and physical state, drove me home and then drove me the day after to retrieve my poor, lost car, is someone at my Job.

My own Mother still hasn’t called to see if I’m okay.

She did however scream to me “You’re never messaging me while I’m at work again.” (EVERYONE in my E.R Room heard that. I was embarrassed and deeply sad).

I did return to Work/Educate Yesterday.

A 5 Hour Day (which seemed longer than that just due to the injuries I sustained).

After I clocked out, I had to run a necessary errand, and now everything takes more time because I only have 1 feasible working door.

So, what seemed forever, I noticed it was past/passed 7:30 to be exact 7:33p.m.

I couldn’t sit there, still recalling it all.

PTSD from all the Blood pouring from me.

So, I left.

I wanted to run.

But, I ended up at my Local Spot hoping to talk to the girl I befriended there.

Unfortunately, it was unusually busy for that time of evening, so it was just mini conversations in-between guests. *(I was in the Culinary/Restaurant Business for 7 years, so I understand and know the game. (I Worked at 5 Restaurants/Bar as a Cook, Hostess, and Server. And Attended a Culinary Arts Program at a Vocational Institute my Senior Year of Highschool and proceeded on to Culinary Arts School then Changing my Majors and Colleges).

I stayed until after hours, speaking with her Husband and got to meet their Daughter and I departed around 11:00p.m *(Or later).

I arrived at 11:30 and right away got comfortable and finished watching The Dirt. A Special On Netflix based on a Book by Motley Crüe.

It was laughable at most.

But, musically, terrific.

I’m probably one of the few Women who listens to the Records and not wanting a Band Member. *(I will agree, when Nikki Sixx was young/in his prime, he was good looking, or as I would say, Fine).

After the Flick, I finished an Episode of NYPD Blue. *(I’m on Season Three).

I crashed hard on my (late) Grandfather’s couch for a few then decided I wanted to dream in bed, hoping when I awoke, it was just all a bad dream.

Out Of The Blue

Good Morning Sunday.

In-bed with some out-of-the-blue Stomach bug and thinking why is it so damn difficult to meet someone.

I heard from my Date last evening.

He stated:

You are too much drama but are a good person. After thinking about it, I don’t think we would get along. So, you now can have peace.

Laughing My Fucking Ass Off.

Really?

No.

He didn’t get his

One-Night Stand.

And I KNEW it was a mistake to have him over.

Every piece of me was rejecting the idea of having him over.

Why did I?

To tell the absolute truth?

I don’t know.

I’m in a space so deep with my new Disgnosis, the Unknown of it, and my Current Life, I’m not 100% into “Dating” right now.

Company?

Sure.

Relationships?

Maybe.

What he wanted?

Absolutely not.

So, I feel there is something wrong with me.

I spoke with my Mother this morning for forty-four minutes, and told her what occurred and what I think, feel in regards to myself.

She listened and tried to understand.

We did talk about our Visit and the nice hours we had *(This was the longest Visit with both my Parents together since I moved here. Six Hours to be exact).

I could tell my Mother had things to do, and she wanted me to rest.

My Stomach is awful and I needed today to go peaceful as it could have.

Why?

The One Year Anniversary of my late Cat’s passing,

Next Saturday,

4 Year Anniversary of 03302015

And alot of stress/pressure in my life.

I still have so much to do today, but with my abdomen the way it is, I’m in-bed.

And, I don’t know why/where this came from.

Out-of-the-blue.

Like my life.

I will try to dream if my body will let me.

And maybe I can find an answer to why I cannot meet someone.

It’s heartbreaking.

And I mean in a painful way, not sadness like it will all heal.

No.

Heartbreaking as if I don’t have a Person out there.

The Good And Empty Hours

Good Morning, Sunday.

Sick.

My stomach is playing war games.

I don’t know what is going on.

I went to slumber fine, but then an hour ago…

I haven’t been able to lie down in 35 minutes.

I don’t understand.

And I have to go again.

I know, TMI, but this is crazy.

Fifty-two minutes now.

I think the war is done.

But, I don’t feel right.

So, this Weekend?

Friday night, I spent cleaning.

I did watch Coyote Ugly after my big Clean,and called it good evening around 11:30p.m.

My Family made it down on Saturday.

1:49 to be exact.

They usually call to notify me they’re here, but I heard a car, and looked out my double kitchen window and I saw my Father’s new Car.

I met them down by the front-door and I was excited.

I was feeling lousy *(not like now), but I managed to pull an outfit and Make-Up together. *(The Outfit, a Blouse and Blazer I have not donned in five years).

My first Surprise didn’t work out *(I wanted to take them to my Work/Educate).

Second, was a pit-stop at Starbucks then I took them to my Storage Facility.

Why?

Friday marked the Year Anniversary of my late Cat’s passing. His stuff is in Storage.

My Parents had no idea why we were there until I opened my *(late) Grandfather’s white Cabinet and pulled out his things.

I started to cry.

I had not touched his things in a year.

My Mother and Father appreciated me taking them there so they could see his stuff and say “Hi.” And that he was a good boy.

After the quick/little Memorial, I had to pick-up Groceries and stop at my other Grocery Store to retrieve what was out-of-stock.

We spent awhile in there, and kindly my Father told my Mother it was okay to “Take care of mine.”

*My Father has been angry again from what my Mother stated last Weekend regarding money. And wanting to down-size soon, but feels like he can’t. **He also has been ill for three weeks and finally went and got Medication. ***He seemed better yesterday.

Then, we returned to my place.

My Father wanted to watch Bohemian Rhapsody *(He had never seen it). My Mother viewed it with me back in February, and I’ve re-viewed it maybe six times.

Here we go again.

The Stomach Games.

My body physically can’t take anymore.

I feel like I’m being drained of my entire body.

And I don’t know why.

So, return to my Family’s Visit.

As we watched Bohemian Rhapsody I cooked Gluten Free Chicken Strips and purchased Loaded Baked Potato Salad and left-over Salad from Monday evening *(From a Restaurant).

When the Food was ready, my Parents loved everything.

It made me happy.

It also made me sad.

Those hours took me to a place *(2012-2013) when my Parents came over sometimes every other Weekend for Homemade Dinner and a Movie.

We finished the Film, and my Father helped carry down garbage and then my Parents left.

Before they left, I hugged both of them and I cried *(due to my new Diagnosis of PAH), and I watched them drive off from my stairs to the front-porch.

*While we were watching the Film, I cried.

When the song “Who Wants To Live Forever” began to play, I couldn’t.

I had to let it out, go.

I told my Parents how I felt about my new Diagnosis, my upcoming Test and all of it.

After my Parents departure, I had a Date.

He arrived at 8:29p.m.

And he departed in two hours after his arrival.

Why?

He came over already exhausted and wanted to sleep.

I explained to him via text that I wanted to watch a Movie and that is all.

He was putting his feet on me and lying on my couch like we’ve been dating for six months.

I was furious.

I didn’t even want him to come over after my Mother and Father left.

I was exhausted.

And, I knew I shouldn’t have.

Now, he’s being silent and rude.

He didn’t get what he wanted.

After he departed, I didn’t want to sit.

I wanted out.

So, I spent two hours at a Bar I went to on New Year’s Eve.

Came home and not sure the hour I went to slumber.

But, now I’m sick as a dog and I don’t know where it came from.

I have so much to do today, and I’m stuck.

My stomach hurts and I’m tied to the bathroom.

I’m going to drink some over-the-counter Med and try to find rest so I can finish my very busy Sunday.

I’m in hope.

This photograph is exactly/reflects how I feel about PAH, my Date last evening, and my current position in my life.

I did have a nice time with my Family.

Even though it brought recalls of melancholy, I still enjoyed my time.

I truly missed them yesterday, and I felt honestly, they truly missed me.

Writers And Dream Catchers

Good Morning Sunday.

6:42 a.m and I am lying here regretting wasting my Saturday.

Saturday.

Trying to erase everything that is current: Alone, Abnormal Test(s) Results, And Two Major Anniversaries coming-up.

Also, I was supposed to have tomorrow off due to personal reasons, but I missed 4.5 Days of Work/Educate the first week of this Month, so I felt I should stay and go in.

So, Saturday.

Let’s begin with Friday.

Non-Stop *(w/ a 50 Minute Break) from 4:30a.m-7:30p.m

I watched A Star is Born.

I want my money back.

What a cliche!!!

And, I didn’t do anything*(Friday Routine), no dishes, sweeping, mopping, etc *(except Laundry).

I was at my breaking-point of exhaustion.

I found slumber around 11:30 and found myself sleeping until 8:00a.m

A rarity.

I stayed under and spoke to my Mother for 1 Hour 26 Minutes, missing the Event I was supposed to attend yesterday for my (late) Brother, and talking about my Abnormal Test(s) Results and other things.

We spoke about Nicholas Hughes. It was his death Anniversary yesterday *(He was the Son of Sylvia Plath).

We talked about Movies and fillers *(Conversation with no great depth, but keeps us talking).

After lying around, not doing anything, I decided to watch Prozac Nation.

It had been some-time since I viewed it, and I wanted sonething different.

Everything was in it’s right place until I ate. *(Nothing unusual), but my Gastroparesis decided to give me chaos.

I felt so sick ontop of everything else, I went to bed around 4:30p.m.

I even missed my Date *(Wasn’t in the mood for a Date, but I didn’t realize how much time had past/passed, to tell him, I was in for the evening).

I ended up awake after 7:30p.m, sick to my stomach, restless.

I couldn’t find dreams until after 10:00p.m.

My Saturday Plan, ruined.

Continuation.

After another

1 Hour and 3 Minute talk with my Mother, I decided I needed to be somewhat productive, i.e. Dishes, and Sunday Routine.

I still need to do complete so much more, but I am tired.

I know what that means.

Well, this Weekend was a bust.

Very Disappointed.

Long Week ahead *(for many reasons).

And next Weekend is serious.

But, I’m remaining in light.

This is how I feel.

What I’m going through,

alone.

But, that’s the inevitable.

Winter Bones And Friendship Blues

Good Morning, Sunday.

Losing an hour for daylight/time is an Insomniacs worst nightmare.

Glanced at old clock then to mobile device, hour is different, ahead. Shit, I forgot. *(Important in-regards to how sick I have been and taking my Rxs).

So, Saturday Evening.

I tried to enjoy myself.

I was not feeling well at all, but I tried to enjoys Films.

I finished (again) Bohemian Rhapsody and was supposed to watch a comedy or something that makes me laugh, The Breakfast Club.

As Bohemian Rhapsody was playing, I started to really not feel well.

Both physically and in my heart.

I sat trying to be comfortably numb, but one, my Health wouldn’t allow it and either would my heart.

I am angry at myself for letting my Walls/Guard come down when I knew somewhere down this road, I would get hurt.

And I did.

And it’s all over.

I am fine with that.

Why?

All of the lies,

When my Brother passed in November, was she there?

Did she EVER come to my place when it was apparent my Health was lousy?

Did I EVER get to open up, talk about Me? *(twice in January…in the almost 5 Months we were “Friends”).

NO.

I even hesitated on accepting the

Thanksgiving Request.

But, I did and from then on I regretted it.

I was out of place, awkward.

And my Health was no good.

I look at the time after, and it was just 7 Friday’s of the same.

Yes, in the beginning, I was happy. Happy to be back in the World *(After my Health in 2015, I was just erased) and hoping that I could find true Friendship again.

But, quickly, I realized it’s not about me at all meaning exactly what I stated above.

I was just a piece of furniture to be used when lonely.

Then after being accused of stealing, I knew in my heart, it was over and I felt stupid for ever thinking it was a true Friendship.

It always flabbergasts me how easy it is for others to just throw people away.

And, what I’ve learned from this mistake is that, people seek others out to fit in their lives when needed. Once the need is gone, so is the person.

Now, Sunday Routine will be completed later.

I am in sickness hell and want to rest without heartache.

I haven’t attached this photo in some time.

It’s how I feel about many components of my life.

Being used (manipulated is a better word), my Health, Work, living here.

It’s currently 34° with a High of 44° as the Sun tries hard to come out behind all the gray, bare trees swimming in a high-wind for what is still winter a piece of light blue Sky shades the clouds as silence is all around.

The choices I made in October were the wrong ones.