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Repair, Believe

Good Afternoon Sunday.

W H A T a Saturday.

Heart wrenching, complex, busy, hurting, sad.

All in a 14 Hour Time span.

Began with HVAC. ✅

Then, not hearing from my Boss for over 3.5 Hours.

Called my Mother around are usual time, and that was chapter sad.

*Messages were to come later that were/are hurtful and depressing.

I moved on after I finally heard from my Boss.

I started my Saturday by running a quick errand *(Make-up first) then promising myself, I was going to have a fantastic, spectacular evening *(Even in the pain).

I began my Saturday at 2:30p.m

Saturday Routine and finished watching Fright Night *(Started it on Friday).

Still love it.

Then I rented: Body Heat.

Got through maybe 25 minutes.

Too slow for me.

And I am a huge Lawrence Kasdan fan.

So, listening to music then decided to get into Cleaning mode.

Accomplished a lot.

More than I expected.

Returned to my spot and waited for the sunset into darkness, so I could watch The Big Chill *(It’s just a Film that cannot be viewed in sunlight).

In the mean time, S1E3, NARCOS.

I watched about half of The Big Chill when I realized how late it was.

And how hungry I was.

I opened my eyes, and my radio alarm clock read: 3:40a.m

I FELL ASLEEP WHILE WAITING FOR MY PIZZA DELIVERY.

NEVER in my life!!!

But, remember I have a Virus AND Sinus Infection, so fatigue is getting to me.

The bedroom light was on, television, 4 Candles, and I had my Black Chucks on.

Shut it all down and opened my eyes again at 7:00a.m

Stumbled, took a quick bath, changed, found slumber until 8a.m.

Did not begin my Sunday Routine, but did have an Intense 96 Minute Session with my Counselor.

Needed to be done.

And, I am GLAD I did.

Things came a part and understood during this Session.

Now, I see things a little different and feel things different.

That’s what counts

That’s the whole process.

Healing.

Listen.

One of my favorite Groups, and the best Electronica Group of all time.

Tomorrow, a New

Chapter for me.

I am ready.

This is my dream.

Decor Optimism

Good [early] Morning, Saturday.

Why?

I have HVAC coming at 9a.m.

I have been living in an Apartment that gets to 87° since May.

A Technician came to fix both Units two weeks ago,

No.

So, now, I have to spend my Saturday morning, sick, waiting for this guy and then I’m supposed to complete my Saturday Routine and Travel?

I truly hope this fix doesn’t take long.

I’m really sick and I need to rest as much as I can.

Friday:

No Work/Educate

Doctor’s Visit

Antibiotics, Prescription Nasal Spray, Errand galore.

My body is extremely fatigue due to my first Diagnosis from 09/05, and there are no Rx’s for it.

Now, a Week later, I an feeling worse, miss more Work/Educate and now have a Severe Sinus Infection w/ Cough.

And with MRIs and a,

Mammogram coming-up,

I’m taking a Leave-of-Absence from Work/Educate.

I have a lot going on, and there are inside situations and circumstances going on, that my Body needs a rest from.

But, I will trying my best *(at hope) and a

New Chapter beginning.

*That news to come soon.

Okay.

28 Minutes and counting this HVAC Guy shows.

I have so much to complete today, and with the lack of energy and pain, it’s like I’m facing a marathon.

But, on a different tune,

Yesterday, during errands galore, I bought items I have not purchased in some time:

1. 2 Large Grapefruits

2. Diet Ginseng Tea

3. Gluten Free Soup *(2 Kinds)

4. Sugar *(In this really cute Retro pink bag. Very 1950’s-early 1960’s). I truly have not purchased Sugar since 2012/2013.

5. Eyeshadow *I had to order it from Amazon. *(Revlon. 4 Color Palette).

6. Klondike Bars/Reeses. *An OBSESSION. Since I was a Child, I ALWAYS wanted to devour a Klondike Bar, but that was a no-no in our household. **Junk Food and Finances.

7. A New Brand Of A Candle. Scent: Magnolia. It’s In The Kitcken. *I pair Scents *(Since 2013) and in the Livingroom From Spring-Autumn, It’s Blackcherry And Himalayan Salt. *(Two Separate Candles). From Winter-Spring: Blackcherry And Fireside Glow. *(That’s just since I re-located here).

I used to mix Target Candles, but we know what happened.

But, that is going to change.

*I have to Replace some of my H&M Candles too.

There are other items on the list, boring items like Ziplock Bags and Soap.

Okay Buddy, less than fifteen minutes of your arrival time.

Both of my Cats seeemed impatient too. 😁

My Eldest Cat received his last IV Fluid Treatment last evening. That’s Eleven in all. He seems to be better. But, we can’t get to the Vet for another 16 Days.

He’s sitting, watching the closed bedroom windows, listening.

My Beautiful Boy.

He truly does look like a Panther. *(One of his Nicknames is, “Mi Pantera”).

Oh, I heard gravel churning *(My backyard leads directly to an Alley. VERY Chicago).

Right on the dot.

HVAC is here.

It’s complicated.

1. This used to be a House *(112 Years Old Now).

Was Split Into Two Apartments approximately sometime in the 1970’s.

There are multiple Doors.

Mine is inside.

2. To get to the Furnance, he has to go to the other Apartment. They have access to the Basement *(I do not). Just like I have access to the Porch, they do not.

I could hear him confused, as he was speaking to my Neighbor *(who was also clueless).

I found him, he came up, I explained the Problem, and let’s hope it is resolved today.

There is still a Heat Wave, and I cannot take another Morning/Evening of 80° +.

Last Night,

Friday the 13th AND a Fullmoon.

Loved it!!!

All the crazies and chaos that occurs.

It got me into the

Halloween Spirit. *(My Favorite Western Holiday).

I’m in-hope this Halloween will be spectacular.

As everything that is fast approaching

My New Chapter.

Facts Of Conditions Chpt. II

To speak of these things and to try to understand their nature and, having understood it, to try slowly and humbly and constantly to express, to press out again, from the gross earth or what it brings forth, from sound and shape and colour which are the prison gates of our soul, an image of the beauty we have come to understand.” James Joyce

Good Morning, Sunday.

I never begin with a quote, but this quote is so accurately describing what I’m experiencing with the unknown.

The pain is worse, heavy then it was a few weeks ago.

It’s concerning, and I just want the facts, the truth

I know something is wrong, very wrong and I can’t continue on like this, just waiting.

The Apartment is quiet.

Both of my Cats, asleep.

The Neighbors, finally silent. *(They fight/argue on a regular basis and this time, someone called the Authorities. This is what happens when you are outside yelling at your Partner and have 4 Children inside, 1 not even a year old yet). **(Their Fighting, bad. And, it was a matter of time the other Neighbors didn’t want to put-up with it anymore).

Anyway,

Earlier, I was in the kitchen and I remembered a memory I had yesterday.

I was a kid, and it was a Saturday Morning, and I recalled how eager I was to go outside and ride bikes with my Neighborhood Friends.

Even during the School Year.

Saturday’s were the best.

Out of a miserable House, free from the yelling, and I could fly away on my bike.

That’s how I feel now.

I wish I could fly-away from all of this.

But, now at 39, I can’t.

I have to face my problems, as heavy as they are, and keep going, even if the problems are my Body.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of Health Issues.

Who wouldn’t be!

I don’t know what it’s like to be Healthy, I’ve NEVER asked for a cure(s), but

Can I at least experience a break?

I’m not complaining, but I do feel that I have had enough Health Issues, Problems, Etc. for a Lifetime, so can I get a break?

How ironic is this photograph.

Exactly how I feel.

Facts Of Conditions

Good Morning, Sunday.

I haven’t been to Work/Educate since Wednesday.

Why?

I am sick.

My CR and Disability are in ruins, and something new.

New?

I have to have a

Mammogram.

I had one back in 2015, when all the Doctors in the World were trying to Diagnose*(What was to become my Disability).

This time, is different.

A Lump was found and I found it 4 weeks ago.

I ignored it, but in the back of my Mind, I knew, something wasn’t right.

I truly haven’t rested since Wednesday.

Thursday, in the E.R.

Friday, Doctors, Tests, Errands,

Then straight into massive cleaning.

Friday, I tried not to dwell on it, and I found slumber some time after 11p.mish.

Saturday.

Started of by waking early, and just lying in pain.

Then, as I was listening to the News *(NPR), I heard intense Sirens.

I thought, the town must be on

lock-down.

No. The Parade for the Weekend Festival had started and it was down my street. *(This is an Annual 3 Day Festival).

It *(The Parade) lasted for an HOUR.

It was loud, annoying.

During that time, I spoke with my Mother.

I so wanted to be at her Home *(I almost typed, “Home”).

We spoke for about an hour.

Then, she had to go, and I began to quiver, being overwhelmed with emotions, the things I didn’t get a chance to talk about.

So, we talked for a bit more *(That led into the Hour range).

She stated for me to call her in the evening, but she’s always busy when I call *(Just like I tried last evening).

So, Saturday.

After I spoke with my Mother and the annoying Parade was over, I began my Saturday Routine and put on a little Make-Up and ran a quick errand.

I came back and decided, I wanted to begin my Saturday. It was a little after 1:00.

I listened to a lot of Music.

I watched two Episodes of Narcos *(Season 1. I’ve viewed Season One at least 4 or 5 times, but it has been four years since I have).

Bored.

Listened to more Music

Then return to

Mad Men.

I’m on Season 5, and it’s one of the best.

Writing, Acting, Directing.

You name it.

And, I ended on one of my Favorite Episodes: S5E5: Signal 30.

This is the Episode in which Lane (Pryce) and Pete (Campbell) fight and Ken (Cosgrove) writes: “The man with the miniature orchestra.”

Watch “Ken Cosgrove’s “The Man With the Miniature Orchestra”” on YouTube

Just Watch.

It’s amazing.

There is so much of my own Truth in that Scene.

There is so much of my own Truth throughout the Series.

Obviously, not time *(The Series takes place from 1960-1969).

But, pieces of my Life.

Things I experienced,

I carry.

My Secret.

After the Episode ended, I couldn’t open my eyes any longer, so I found slumber around 12:30a.m.

*I was supposed to have plans yesterday, but I just couldn’t. *(I shared why).

Sunday.

Today.

I don’t feel well, I’m in pain, and worried.

In all honesty, I don’t want to return to Work/Educate tomorrow.

I want to rest then run-away,

run-away to my Parents House *(My Mother and Father are not doing well *(with eachother) and I want to be there through all of this.

So, I have a bit of Saturday Routine left-over and just prepare for tomorrow at a slower pace.

My Mother is going to Church again, so our usual A.M chat will be later.

I keep hoping, thinking, this is all just a Dream.

But, it’s not.

And I don’t want to be in it.

What do I want?

A week where I’m on a Vacation,

Watching My Shows, Relaxing, And Not Worrying About Money.

Rx is kicking in *(something “Crashed” in the Apartment, so I had to investigate.

But, eyes are closing with a lot of burden.

Peaceful Sunday?

One can hope.

The Inclusive Transformation Chapter Vol. 1

Good afternoon, Monday.

Three Day Weekend, coming to an end.

What did I do?

Just as my last Post predicted.

But, with extra pain from my

Cervical Radiculopathy.

It’s bad.

I could not type yesterday, when I was working on my CDA Classes.

I’m actually worried.

I feel like everyday *(especially this past 1.5 Weeks) it’s worse.

But, back to my predicted three day Weekend.

Saturday, I watched The Big Chill *(In two pieces).

So, I re-viewed it in entirety last evening.

Sunday.

I took Classes, then decided to start my Sunday.

I was so uncomfortable with my Cervical Radiculopathy, I found it difficult to enjoy my time.

I ate a Salad *(Pre-Package, but I dresssed it-up with Onions, Chicken, two hard-boiked eggs, and my Favorite Kens Salad Dressing and Hot Sauce).

My Gastroparesis kicked in, so I found slumber and the bizarre Dreams/Nightmares I have been experiencing the last few nights.

I awoke to darkness, and it was only

8:45p.m.

I called my Mother, but she was busy.

I tried to return to dreams, but with the CR Pain, I decided to get-up and that’s when I re-watched The Big Chill.

I also played with my two Cats.

I was actually laughing so hard when we were playing.

I decided to continue my venture through another round of Mad Men. *(I’m on Season Four).

I believe this is my fourth go-around with the Series.

I was doing a lot of thinking as my Cats fell asleep, and I was engaged with the Series.

Thinking.

Thinking about my CR and how it’s bad again.

Thinking about lost Friendship.

Thinking of a Childhood Friend and what’s she’s currently going through *(Personally).

Thinking how often I am Alone.

And the difficulty I face trying to meet someone.

*I’ve given-up on Friendship in this town.

Thinking about my Parents and all their doing. *(BBQs, Parties, Church, Up-Coming Trip).

Yes, they started going to this Church three weeks ago after they went to a Baptism Ceremony.

They both really enjoyed the Church, they decided to continue to attend every Sunday since.

My Parents have not been to Church in probably two decades. *(Most likeky, for Christmas).

I asked my Father last Sunday,

Why this Church and What makes you go?

He responded: I like the message and I feel better.”

I am glad they both found this new Spirituality.

My Mother needs it as my Father.

With what everything that has occurred these last 1.5 Years, they both need it.

Then I thought about my own Spirituality, and how dark it’s become.

I can’t explain it.

But, it has.

I feel it inside and out.

I feel it in my Soul and even when I’m sitting on my *(late) Grandfather’s Couch, just listening to Music, I feel it, this Shift.

I still Meditate everyday, sometimes up to 5 times a day *(Guided Meditation).

My Buddha Statue and my Buddhist Bracelet are both still on-top of my Jewelry Cabinet/Stand.

I think/miss my Temple and

Sutta Study.

But, then the wave takes over and I start thinking in darkness.

But, return to the end of my Weekend.

I’m trying to meet people again.

It’s as usual, difficult *(which is sad since I never had a hard time meeting people).

Well, time is winding down for me to prepare for a long week. *(Yes, it’s only a 4 Day Week, but with my CR severely active again and my Job/Educate, it’s going to take a lot from me physically and emotionally).

I am trying to like my new Job/Educate, but I was hoping my Future Employer would be happening.

I still have Hope and my Dreams will come true.

For now, just keep doing my best, what is needed of me, and figure out how to Treat my CR again.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day.

Catching Up In Pieces

Good Afternoon, Saturday.

Last day of August.

What a last two weeks…

Last Weekend:

Birthday Weekend.

Friday, after new Job, went straight home to an early slumber.

Last Saturday:

My Parents came down with my new Car.

No, it was not bought, but Gifted.

1. It’s the newest Automobile I’ve driven *(That’s mine).

2. My FIRST Non-Chevy Vehicle.

I am still learning parts of it, but I have a car now that I don’t have to turn on/off 4-5 times a day, to make sure it starts-up. *Thank you to the “Technician” who did not put my Starter Shield back on. **I dealt with that for almost a year.

Now, that I drive 20 minutes *(one way), I have a safer mode of Transportation.

My Parents arrived at 11:06a.m. and Departed around 3p.m.

We went to Bob Evans *(I had Starbucks).

My Parents had Breakfast and we talked.

*We talked/visited before we left for the restaurant.

My Mother had already prepated me, it would be a short Visit.

I got 3 Birthday Gifts from my Parents:

Gluten Free Cupcakes

My Coffee I drink for my broken Keurig.

And an awesome Tee from Kohl’s.

My Mother stated that, the Vehicle was my Birthday Gift.

Truth?

I was hurt.

But, I understand.

*I also wasn’t feeling the best, but kept my best.

After my Parents departed,

I cleaned and sat and tried to relax and watch a movie.

I thought, my real Birthday is tomorrow, can’t celebrate, so

I went out to the Grille/Pub I went with my Mother and my oldest Friend.

Don’t remember parts of it.

Why?

I was alone, but doing a shot, not the best choice.

Especially.

1. My Age

2. I don’t drink liquor anymore.

3. Didn’t eat anything but Bar Popcorn.

After, I went through the Hardees Drive-Thru *(I was famished) and ordered a Grilled Chicken Sandwich *(No Bun) and French Fries.

Ate in my Drive-way *(inside my new/gifted car), and made it upstairs and went to find slumber.

Last Sunday:

Woke in Saturday Clothes, tired.

But, I completed 1.5 Classes for my CDA and my Sunday Routine.

Celebrated a little, maybe a lot.

Alone.

Now.

Three Day Weekend.

Friday Night:

I was busy trying to make sure I didn’t have to leave the Apartment this Three Day Weekend.

Enjoyed my Friday Night.

Music.

Mad Men. *(Re-watching the Series).

GF Pizza.

My Two Sons.

Awoke, very very tired and hurt.

My body is hurt from my new Job to the point of worrisome.

I slowly climbed out of bed *(still in Work Outfit), Laundry, nice long bath and went straight back to bed.

Not sleep, just lying still, listening to music and watching YouTube.

*I did get-up to give my eldest Cat his Second Round of IV Fluid Treatment. *(Picked it up from his new Vet yesterday).

He has 4 more *(After today), so he will complete the Treatment on September 12.

He’s more himself, but not eating enough, which breaks my Soul.

I did the rest of my Saturday Routine *(not complete) and fell into day slumber.

I want to rest as much as possible.

I have 16.5 Hours left for my CDA, and I want to complete it this long Weekend.

What are my long Weekend Plans?

I was going to Visit someone I have been talking to for 1.5 months now, but he lives far away.

He doesn’t own/have a car nor License. *(He’s an International Graduate Student at a top University here in the State).

So, that makes it even more difficult, we can’t even meet half-way. Or take turns Visiting if we worked out.

So, my long Weekend?

Saturday: Take Classes

Music

Films

Relax.

Sunday.

Repeat.

That’s what happens when you get old.

You lose the momentum of “doing things.”

But, my Disability is also to blame for that. *(If I did not have this Disability, my Life would be how it used to be, but better).

I hope everyone enjoys their

Three Day Weekend.

The Enigma Hour

Good Morning, Sunday.

About twenty minutes ago,

My Mother told me to

Leave her alone.

I called because I wanted to let her know, regarding my Vehicle *(Brakes, gone), and to talk about what we discussed yesterday regarding myself and how to get to Work tomorrow.

It’s okay that she never spoke to my brother that way *(And got to live at home for years, not working).

But, I’m the problem.

And it cycles constantly.

One day, *(like Today), she is angry and speaks such hurtful things, another day,

Tells me she’s sorry and thanks me for loving her after she’s yelling.

Then she proceeds to tell me that she’s going to have a nervous break-down or attack. *(She stated this the other day, but yesterday morning, our Conversation was light).

I’m sorry my Brakes went out, and I had to drive quite dangerously yesterday to the place to drop-off the Vehicle.

I’m sorry I have a

Disability that limits me to what I am today.

I’m sorry I’ve been sick/ill most of my life/journey.

What’s the solution?

Only one.

Cut me from the equation, and they can live their lives alone/better.

And when I mean cut, I mean the final cut.

Death.

It seems to come full-circle once more.

Death being the only way to rest and be happy. *(I know for sure others will. Be happy that is).

But, I will rewind.

Friday, Brakes go out.

But, before, not good news at my new Job regarding the most ridiculous thing, “Course Descriptions.”

I NEVER had a problem/issue before, and this is going back five years.

But, with laws changing, it’s becoming more difficult, and deciding my Undergraduate Courses that I took *(and did well) don’t count anymore is absurd.

So, Friday, was heavy, and my Disability was on fire.

Saturday.

Had to wait until 2:00p.m to get my Vehicle to the place and was still in my Work Clothes.

Return bome *(General Manager gave me a lift), and I just wanted to collapse.

I finally got out of my Work Clothes, took a bath, then had to get my Eldest Cat’s IV Bag ready *(Started on Wednesday, and it is every three days for 6 treatments in total. He’s had 2 so far, and there are hours he seems okay, then there times he’s not).

But, we’re trying.

I’m trying with him.

After his Treatment, and I take care of both my Cats, I began my Saturday.

It was around 4:00p.m.

No Movies.

I just wanted to listen to Music and watch Videos and good ol Television.

Which, I did.

Then around 10ish, I broke down about all the news I found on Friday:

Found Out My Ex-Husband Put My Dog To Sleep Over A Year Ago.
Also, My Ex-Husband Had A Baby With His New Family 2 Months Ago *(He Stated “I NEVER Want Kids, when he was with Me). (She Has 2 Kids From Previous Marriage).

I cried hard.

I’ve been harboring many things inside, and I needed to release it.

I actually have a headache today from crying.

I went to slumber maybe 12:30ish.

Was hoping just to have a Power-Nap, so I could stay up longer, but I awoke the first time around 6:30a.m then after 7.

Took my Meds, tidied up, laundry, Called place where my Truck is at, and it hasn’t even been looked at yet, then the event with my Mother.

So, not a good start to my Sunday.

My new Hours, I wake up early again,

5:15a.m, and my body/brain is not used to it.

But, we shall see how long it lasts *(Course Description issue).

There’s so much darkness, negativity, I just feel it.

More darkness and sadness as I took a break.

Reminders of what once was, and the whys unanswered.