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Breathing Room

Sunday.

Something terribly wrong about 4 and half hours earlier.

My Esophagus. It felt like it was collapsing.

With my Disability, there are “Swallowing” issues as a Symptom *which I’ve experienced.

But, not like this.

I still feel it.

It (Esophagus) hurts.

I took Rx to help rest.

I think I managed 2.5 Hours of Rx dreams *That I don’t remember.

Only to awake to panic.

What time is it?

I have so much to do.

Laundry ×3

Dishes

And I have my Regular Saturday Session today *(since my Parents were coming, but I didn’t realize how late that Visit would start).

I don’t know if I can attend my Session.

I don’t feel right/well.

So,

Started

Laundry x3

Cleaned up what needed

And now going to try to rest.

Not only is there something wrong

I begin

Split-Shift tomorrow.

So, my Alarm is now set for: 4:40a.m.

That alone has caused my Anxiety and Tachycardia all last week.

I want a Peaceful Sunday.

And with how I’m feeling, physically, is not peace.

I’m going to try more Guided Meditation and hopefully find myself in dreams for hours *A few that is.

Then complete what I have to then read a little then return to bed for my first Day of

Split-Shift.

Feeling what I did early morning was quite alarming.

I an not sure what is occurring, but something is wrong.

And, I feel pain that should not be there.

It’s affecting my entire existence in this moment and hours to come.

I hope it subsides with assistance from Rx.

But, worry, I will.

The Three Hour Chapter

Morning.

5:33a m

Awoke 3 hours ago

Before that, I’m not sure when I hit slumber.

Saturday:

My Parents did make it down.

They visited for just 3.25 Hours. *Shortest Visit.

They left at 5:25p.m and as I watched them slowly pull away, I became immensely overwhelmed with sadness.

It’s a two hour drive

They left 32 minutes late on Schedule

Stopped to eat

And didn’t arrive until 2:18 exactly. *And, I spoke with my Mother at 9:03 in the morning when she called at 8:11, during the 40 minutes of extra dreams I got.

So, return to immensely sadness.

I have not seen them in 3 Months.

Things have been so tense

And now, I’m not just physically further away, but yesterday before they left, emotionally.

During our Visit, I did show them around the Town, waited forever at Starbucks *Drive-thru, my Father helped with the Catbox and we sat for maybe 15 minutes after, then they were gone.

I feel like they were not even here.

Yes, they did approve of the new place, enjoy time with their FurGrandchildren, and we spent about an hour just talking before I showed them around.

I was very ill the entire Visit.

I tried my best.

My Mother looked well *even though she’s been quite sick/injured.

My Father did too.

That made me happy.

I think/feel it’s been the first time in a longtime they looked younger then 61.

*Especially my Mother.

They said the next visit, they will come down earlier and get a Hotel so we have more time to be together.

*I was going to write spend but I recalled a recent piece I wrote regarding not losing more time with my Parents, and spend/spent is time bought to me.

I’m hoping there is not a large gap of time between Visits from now.

I did chose the shattered prism because that’s how I feel.

I’m broken.

Alone.

I’ve only dwelled here for 2 Weeks, and I feel it’s been a life-time. *I spent 6 Years 2011-2017 at my second former Residence, Alone. But, I was still Married.

Alone.

More than ever.

Lucky. I have my Cats.

Saturday Dreams

Early Afternoon, Saturday.

Awoke 6:46a.m.

I managed 40 minutes of dreams after.

Now, I have to get up in an hour to prepare myself and the day, My Family is coming to visit my new place.

It’s a 2 hour Drive, so I know it will be a short visit today. *(They also left 32 minutes later then on their schedule).

In actuality, I want to be alone.

I have a major change at Work beginning on Monday, and I just want to rest my mind and bones.

I have Tachycardia, Leg Pain and fatigue.

There are some things that need to be done around the house today:

Catbox

Garbage

Laundry *(Don’t want to do it tomorrow)

Sweep

Mop *(Forgot to buy Swiffler Pads).

So, I guess I will have to complete

Catbox

Laundry

This evening.

I’m not sure what is on the Agenda for the Visit.

But, Maybe I can show them around town and hopefully my Father can hang a few things for me.

I want to just close my eyes.

Dear Anxiety

Good Evening, Sunday.

Almost 5 hours of Maintenance and no rest. *Except slumber from 4p.m-6p.m.

All Laundry was complete.

Dishes,

No. *(Not that many)

And as I stated, unexpected five hours of work that is not complete *(Maintenance/He will be back tomorrow).

I’m in full Tachycardia and restless/can’t dream.

I started to weep before I got up to feed my Cats.

Why?

Tachycardia and I’m alone.

I’m so alone.

I wish I had a few days of rest, slumber, dreams.

But, I can’t.

As I stated 10 Hours prior,

I had an itch to watch Kramer vs Kramer.

I did.

Still an excellent Film.

Tried to finish Gotti *(2018).

Couldn’t.

Not just Maintenance, but just a bad movie.

Now, only 2 Hours of sleep *(I was hoping it would have been past 10) and now I’m awake with anxiety and feeling unwell.

Anxiety.

I don’t know why nor understand.

Just spoke with my Mother for about 45 Minutes.

She is not well.

I am very concerned.

We talked about what’s going on with her and then my Weekend *(Former Co-Worker helping yesterday and then Maintenance today).

I started to cry.

I told her my lonileness in regards to Friendship and then no Partner to call my own.

She listened but said hurtful things she has repeated before *(when we discuss Partners).

I don’t feel well and I cannot sleep and cannot take Rx.

5 Hours of my Day with sound

So, couldn’t rest

*(I can’t believe I was falling asleep on the futon while he was here. But, I wanted to sleep as my youngest/newest Cat slept in my lap and he saw that as I caught myself in slumber almost dreaming).

Now, I can’t.

Frustrated

Drained

Anxious.

Did most Dishes

Changed

Tried

Guided Meditation.

Nothing.

So, took a small amount of Rx.

Hope I’m ok and can fall asleep.

Thinking.

Remembering last Sunday

Sound too.

Installation, Incomplete.

So, two Weekends in a row, busy, hard.

Next Weekend even more so.

Trying to understand, comprehend Anxiety is complicated, complex for me.

I never experienced Anxiety on a regular basis in my entire existence until last year.

When I started to lose everything.

It subsided a bit, but came back then worse.

Worse.

It’s disrupting my life.

To the point of future not-functioning.

I need the Tachycardia and pain to go away.

I’m going to try

Guided Meditation again and hopefully can dream.

The Grateful Hours

Good Morning, Sunday.

First Weekend at/in new place.

A very long week at Work/Educating, and Friday evening, I took my time.

Yesterday, a former Co-Worker came over a little after 11:00a.m, and helped unpack, organise, and cut boxes for 3.5 hours.

I miss her at Work.

She is young (19), very mature, and is a great person.

With all of her help, the place, my place, is becoming more of a “home.”

I’m still getting accustomed to the lack of Cabinet Space, No Garage, No Dishwasher, and Lack Of Space in general.

But, I am making it work.

I still feel alone.

No friends. No Partner.

But, I guess that is my being, existence now and I have to just accept it.

*Unpacking yesterday. My Body was not 100%, but I made it through even with Leg Pain, Dizziness, Neuropathy.

And, it helped to have actual Conversation.

Since I am alone, I only speak to my Cats.

Pretty pathetic.

After she left, I rested for 1.5 Hours.

Not in dreams, just my body.

And I decided to finish watching Control then Rent Gotti 2018 Version.

So, far want my currency returned.

It literally is just a continuation from the

2018 A & E Special: Gotti: Godfather and Son.

I also ordered from Grub Hub.

Bob Evans.

An establishment I have not eaten at in 3 Decades.

I ordered:

Turkey w/ Cheese And 2 Slices of Tomatoes

*I added Sweet Butter Sandwich Pickles and Lite Mayo

No Bun *(Celiac)

And a side of

French Fries.

It was actually good.

I have been keeping track of how often I eat *(Gastroparesis).

I ate three times just this Week.

I have to be extremely careful.

It (eating) causes Tachycardia, Dizziness, Low Blood Sugar, Nauseous, and the Food just sits for days.

After I ate, of course I felt “weird” and fatigue set in.

I am not sure when I closed my eyes to dream, but awoke at my usual 6:40a. of m.

I started my Sunday Routine:

Laundry ×4

*No Dishwasher Now, so

Dishes by hand

And I’m thinking an early Movie/Film.

I have this itch to re-view Kramer vs Kramer, or a Holiday Film.

This is my last week of late nights during the week and Sundays.

I begin “Split-Shift” in 1 Week.

I will be rising at 4:40am. in 1 Week.

So, I want this Sunday to be relaxing, but enjoy time with my likings.

*I took this photo in Amsterdam, 7 years ago this December.

It was a Sunday.

Manufactured Truth

Good Morning, Wednesday.

Awoke To Some Sort Of Music/Television, Then Noticing My Cellular Device not working properly. *(Would have been bad. My Alarm was set).

I am going into Work/Educate late this Wednesday.

My Health, the burden.

Mental and Physical.

And, I still feel I could dream for a few more, but I have to Work.

I actually woke this morning to nightmares.

An hour earlier than my Weekday Alarm, I woke to horror.

It made me physically upset.

Multiple sets of Nightmares that I don’t understand.

And, recalling on Sunday evening why I re-viewed David Cassidy: The Last Session.

It has been about two months since I found myself using my Voice to Search this Special.

I experienced a completely different take, outlook from the Special.

It stayed with me.

It was the beginning of the Special, when he was giving an Interview *(Flashback reels) right after he took a break from his Career.

“It was all manufactured for you.”

That line hit me, hard.

He was angered when he was being asked the questions and he gave his Truth.

My Truth.

That’s how I feel now, about my Past.

I did everything with Perfection because I had to.

That’s how I was made to be.

And now, with 5 minutes before I have to complete my Routine for getting ready for Work/Educate, there is so much to say to that one line.

I think about it all, and where I am now.

It’s sad.

And that’s exactly how his own journey was led.

But, I don’t want my road of being to continue like that/this because of my Past.

My Present is altered, but I have to keep going.

I have to seek Truth and re-wire, fix what’s broken.

I have to give answers

I have to open doors

And give it away and come to myself once again.

Hiding is what kept David Cassidy alone.

I am alone, and do not wish to continue to be alone in sadness anylonger.

Glass Windows

Good Morning Sunday Reprise.

In good news, the Porch is mine!

My new Landlord and I have been speaking off/on since I opened my eyes *(She has to swing by today to collect November’s Rent).

She’s very different from my last two Landlords.

1. They were Men

2. She seems more relaxed. Enjoys what she does *(I am unaware of her Daytime Career, but I do know she owns both Units here).

I believe the other Unit is larger *(3 Bedrooms).

But, she stated: “The Front Porch Is Yours.”

Yippee!

Yes, I said, Yippee.

Why?

Yes, Its Enclosed but with Windows. 🙂

It’s on an angle, so I’ll have to figure out how to arrange Flags, Candles, New LED Lights *(in-time for those).

But, I’m stoked.

I loved sitting on my old Rented Enclosed Porch.

I Had A great view, my little chair, my Flags, Candles, *(My Old LED Lights until April), and time with my Cats.

Time.

It was always Saturday Evening *(Before, both Friday and Saturday).

And My Babies knew when we were going out there.

I sat in silence.

Yes, talking to my Cats, but just watching the World, alone.

Those Hours on the Enclosed Porch, I didn’t mind being alone.

Actually, there were only three times that someone joined me:

My Father. The first Saturday after I moved, be came down to help me Un-Pack and Organize.

We sat out and he loved it.

Once with both my Parents.

And once with a potential Boyfriend.

Since I was a Child, I always wanted either a wrap-around Porch or and Enclosed Porch with the proper Porch Furniture.

I had said Furniture in Texas, but without my ok, my Ex-Husband discarded it.

It was a nice Three-Piece Bistro Set.

Where I lived for 6 years, I had a little backyard with a small patio.

It was nice, but not the same as an Enclosed Porch.

Now, Saturday’s can continue with Silence and time with my Cats.

This is me when I’m sitting in silence with my two Cats.

I can imagine anything and be at peace.