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It’s 6:19 a .m

I awoke to a massive right temple headache, which is still occurring.

I’m scared.

I can’t even place my head on my pillow.  The pain is that intense.

I have a Follow-Up today (in 3 and half hours) with my new Doctor (who specializes in Internal Medicine) for the results of my MRI and MRA I had this past Friday.

By the pain I’m in, the images I saw(on Friday), and the Neurologist he is working with, I am prepared for terrible news.

I am.

My insomnia has progressed to a state of emergency.

My Disability is crashing.

Last evening I was so stressed from anxiety(Work and missing a Meeting due to being so ill, my Neighbors, driving and again waiting beyond for my Grocery Pick-Up) 

I lost it (after having to clean up cat vomit).

I’m not like everyone else.

Cleaning takes every ounce of my energy due to my Disability/Dysautonomia.

So, after spending the Weekend Educating and Cleaning, I just couldn’t take it.

5:41 a.m

Next Day.

Surprisingly, MRI/MRA results: ‘Negative.’

So, this leaves with more unanswered questions and anxiety.

I will return to the Hospital this Friday.  

Headache still alive.  

A Distressed Diary 

I woke with a purpose today.  Even on three hours of sleep. But, that purpose has already moved on.

The physical pain I am in is so wretched, I just want to Sleep, but due to Daylight Savings Time, my Schedule is pushed back an hour.  

That’s fine.  I used to Teach starting at 5:30a.m for a month straight (up to 14 Classes a Day).  That Job seems so long ago.  Everything does post Dysautonomia. *(That Job was in 2015).

My worries have become anxiety.  A feeling and concept I had as a child-adolescent.  Then mid-teens to early twenties.  Then.  It just faded.  

Anxiety: A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.”  Mayo Clinic 

I would stand in-front of the mirror making sure my ponytail had no “bumps.” If it did, I couldn’t go to school (in my mind).  I saw my reflection and all I did was worry.  I was eleven.  This cannot be normal. 

Now.  Anxiety seems like a partner.  It’s always there.  Sometimes more present then I consciously recognize.  

I think it’s also depression mixed in with my battle with insomnia and my demons.

My Disability will forever keep me down, but there is something else inside.

My ten minute reminder for Work just scrolled across (It’s not that I’m forgetful, it’s just apart of the Schedule I use).

Strange.  I have a six hour break today (a few Cancellations), and I have set my mind to sleep. 

I will use Guided Meditation (I have access to new Meditations in Sets/Series, and I will try my best to truly Meditate then Relax to Sleep.

But, I know from the physical pain I’m experiencing now, and the anxiety that corses my veins will give me limited time to be free. 

Agenda.

I completed my morning tasks (Educating, Dishes, Laundry started, and Medication).

I’m on my (rare) long break now.

I feel so ill (strangely after drinking Evian for Breakfast.  I used to drink 1.5 Liters of Evian Water a day for a year, and I stopped consuming it due to moving and not having the luxury of finding it in Liters).  My stomach is in IBS knots, I’m sweating as if I’m breaking a fever, and my usual Disability pains.

How do I relax let alone sleep?

My Cats are quietly fighting as I am once again filled with anxiety.

I can’t even drink water now without becoming sick to the point of exhaustion.

All I can put into imagery is number of hours of work, picking up Groceries tonight, and my Appointment tomorrow (I saw the MRI Images on Friday.  It was horrific). 

My eyes are heavy and I’m screaming in silence “Is there anybody out there?”

As soon as I started to drift (on my own) my Boss messages me:  I’m losing another 8 Hours this month and discussed the ‘Why’ of cancellations.  *My Schedule is still empty for the Month of December.

See what I mean.

Anxiety.

Insomnia.

How to remain within all of this is impossible.

The Grind Show

Month Three.

Nothing’s really changed.  I have added a few small pieces of furniture but no guests to see it.
Struggle.  That has been the word of these past two months.

Struggling with Someone so toxic it was dismantling my own life.  I was becoming so detached from his abuse, my ancient Trauma was flooding me with the past. It was exhausting and unravelling. *As I was working today, I noticed a completely random Kohl’s Receipt on the Floor, just lying there with purpose. I knew the receipt was from our Weekend Vacation.  On my Break, I picked it up, and saw the date.  Yep.  That’s the receipt.  Why was it just there, a reminder of a time between him and I that was calm?  In eighth Months that was the only Weekend that worked between us.

Struggling with what occurred during my Birthday Weekend and the continuous death of Family.  The communication is at a one percent. And, I know this time, it will remain like this forever. And I don’t mind.  Anymore.

Struggling from losing Health Insurance due to my Ex-Husband’s serpentine heart, terminating  my Coverage when he is quite aware of my Disability and Declining Health (This includes Signing Documents behind my back, which infuriates me to the point of no return.  I was the ONLY person there for him during his Three Deployments and all of the pain that comes attached to the return from War with no Family (but Me).

Struggling with moving even further away with what little support I had is slowly vanishing.  And due to the fact I educate seven days a week, there is no time for finding anybody out there.

Struggling with new and advanced Health Problems, on my own.  This is not a new concept, but with my current outrageous (and expensive) Health Insurance and waiting months for Tests is causing my Disability to drain and progress.  

It’s all beyond comprehensible.
How am I supposed to just be (within my Disabled self) with constant day to day extreme chaos I call struggles?
Happiness must be something unattainable let alone stability and contentment.  

I’m suffocating and losing the will to keep continuing the survival of it all.

The real question is, why should I?  

“I watched a change in you.                                                           It’s like you never had wings.”   Deftones 

The Happiness Exchange 

4:39 a .m Sunday.

My Alarm is set to chime in exactly 5 Hours.

I have slept 3 hours and have been awake since 12:39a.m 

Time is something I obsessively accurate about and begging for the hourglass to slow down.

I tried Guided Meditation.  My mind is to chaotic right now, and I’m experiencing massive pain again.  

Took said Medication for pain and other for *sleep. (It’s not intended for sleep, but it helps me find a few hours of mental peace).

I tried watching my go-to comedy. 

Nothing.

Heat is still inconsistent, so I’m upset about it, which only triggers more insomnia.

I’m in too much pain to read, and my anxiety is causing my Disability to go up a gear (Tachycardia).

So, I tried thinking of things I enjoyed doing this past week (outside Educating days a week).

Mostly, nothing.

I went to the Supermarket once (I’m not supposed to Drive, so imagine that scenario).

I completed a Double Viewing of My So-Called Life (I own the Box Set).  *That brought back a flood of unconscious memories I was unprepared for the next morning after a night of 1990’s entertainment.

I interacted with my two Furkids (Cats).  Due to my Work Schedule, we only get to hang-out fairly late.  But, they don’t seem to mind.

I rescued my Tux over four years ago, and I rescued my California Spangled 3 years ago.  So, they are apart of me as I am apart of them (Even In the new house.  Going on Month THREE.  How Time flies).

*I rescued them both Predisability. 

But, return to what I enjoyed.

That’s all.

Depressing.

Tonight.  After I’m finished with Work (9p.m) It will be another page of my book that is unwritten.  

Happiness is no longer 

So, I have to create/event my own, on my own. 

And that’s exactly what I did.

The End Of Halloween

Virgo horoscope for Sunday Oct 29

“The dark clouds above – those scary things that have been hanging over your head and following you around – are not dissipating. You may not have noticed though, Virgo, because you have been afraid to look up. You have just kept your head down looking at the ground. But that is all about to change. Be brave. Take a look around. If you do, you will see that things really are getting better. Conditions are improving, and soon, you will feel more carefree. It’s about time.”

I NEVER share my Horoscope.

It’s private, revealing, the truth inside.

Today’s Horoscope is accurate.  More accurate lately as if the Astrology System is following me down.

It’s 1:29 a .m 

Sleep?

3 Hours.

I have to Teach in 8 Hours for 8 hours.

My heat was not working this evening, so I had to call my Landlord (three hours away) and sent a Contractor out.

He was nice.  Even in my state of Depression and Exhaustion.

I was supposed to attend a Halloween Party (with 29 others) and like last weekend, I had to Cancel to due my Health(that was a get together on a Lake House. Something I have ALWAYS wanted to do).

So, here I am, in darkness.  Silence. As my body aches and my soul is drained.

I’m struggling Financially due to decreased Teaching Hours (even Teaching 7 Days A Week, I’m not making it) 

I’ve spent the last two weeks alone due to my Health/Disability 

And I’m running out of patience.

At least on Friday evening (late) I watched my first Creature Feature (That’s what the Marathons were titled in the 1980’s).  *No like me to miss 28 Days of Halloween Film.

I rented (via Xfinity) 

Fright Night, 1985. (Original).

I actually loved it.

It made me laugh and rewound quite a few Superb cinematography shots. 

I also Rented: 

The Wicker Man, 1973 (Original).  I started to preview it, but was finding myself in Halloween boredom.

I will finish and watch a few Classics on Monday Evening.

This October just has not been the same.

With two sets of new and quite serious Health Problems, Work, and the Anniversary of my Ended poisonous Relationship.  

It’s true.

The dark clouds above are following.  I need a break.  Spiritually, Financially, and Connections.

One Of My Favorite Holidays, almost in conclusion without my celebration.

Bedridden.  

Forgotten.

I found this photo last year for Hallowen.

It’s me. What’s on the outside is life and nothing remains within.

Toxic Gone

One year ago today he found me, sending me two private messages, waiting for my response.

I didn’t receive the messages for two days.  I had not used this Application in over a year.  So, when I noticed a white light blinking on my Note, I assumed it was WhatsApp(an Application I have used frequently.  Currently for work).

To my surprise, It was an Update from Meet-Up.  I had not even touched this Application in a year, so I was unfamiliar to why I needed to Update my Account.  

No.

Reason.

Two un-read Messages from someone I did not know who belonged to a Group I was a Member of since 2013.

Strange.

I read the messages.  I decided to reply.

I had nothing better to do on an early Saturday evening. 

I was done with work, my Best Friend killed himself, and my Disability was on fire.

What could hurt by sending a quick response?

Everything.

How I could turn around and erase those messages and I would not have begun one of the most toxic relationships in my entire life.

This person is dangerous.

A pathological liar, Major Psychosis, Bi-Polar, all around unstable.

After one week of texting, we had our first encounter.  That is what it exactly was.

Not a Date (A Date is not late, loses his Debit Card, pretends not to speak English, awful Intercourse, tries to leave at 4:30a.m, calls his older Brother crying).

My God, why did I stay after that disaster?

One.  My Former Counselor.  He felt I was jaded from my last Relationship.  

Truth?  I wasn’t.  

I was depressed.  Losing my Best Friend to Suicide and Work (first time huge loss of hours due to Enrollment)

Second.

I wanted the company I lost. 

I was lost.

Third: I wanted certain companionship that had been missing from my life.

So, I gave in.

I gave in to my Counselor, Depression, and Sex.

Stupid Girl.

By mid November he was already controlling, and even sexually assaulting me.

He watched my Facebook 24/7, constantly asking me questions like he was KGB, and expected me to me perfect (i.e. Cook, Clean, Wear Lingerie, every weekend all the while I’m Disabled). Forced Sex. He broke into my Note, literally copying every single piece of me. Forced Sex. Taking photographs of private Documents. Calling a former Doctor.  Texting my Mother (with Photographs) stating I stabbed him(FALSE).  Calling my (future) Landlord.  Breaking into my Telephone again.  Calling my Ex-Husband.  Trespassing/Ruining my Birthday.  

After Eight Long Months Of This Continous Abuse, (This includes the vanishing act he pulled in April, June, then July.  Changing his telephone number twice then re-appearing at his convenience.  Longest time apart during this disaster was three weeks.  That was July. I thought it was over).

But, it wasn’t.

He Continued to harass me (and even my Family and Friends).  He tried his best to make it look like He moved on for over a month (even having conversations with himself by creating a false profile).

When none of these insane tactics worked, he vanished once again.  I thought it was over.

No.  

Six days ago, he harassed me once more.

This time, I decided to put an end to it all.  But he blocked ME.

How Ironic.  

That is exactly what I should have done 1 Year Ago.

To live and learn can be the most difficult part of tangled relationships, especially one as toxic as this one.  

But, that is the process of healing too.

I still hurt, but I have long moved on (not into another Relationship) but from ever knowing him again and from myself, the person I became when I was with him.

The Insomnia Effect 

Tired.

Nothing to report there.  Blank page as always.

Started educating at 7:30 ante meridiem. On about 4.5 hours of what is defined as sleep.  Had an 11:30a.m Meeting (Class before was moved to tomorrow) then 4 Hours of down-time before returning to my work clock.

I started a new style of Meditation.  

It’s NOTHING like the Traditional Buddhist Meditation I was taught and practiced since I was 22.

It makes me sleep.  Strange.

Buddhist Meditation is hard on the mind (and body at times).

This new Meditation is Guided, but it’s not centralized around the concept of any particular Faith (Buddhism).   

I’ve Completed most of the ‘Weekly Themes’ that are offered, but there is one Guided Meditation I have found that literally flies me to dream.

Meditation is not supposed to be a support system for failure to sleep.

But, I find myself at peace (good) but more exhausted (bad) when I return to work.

The Specific Meditation is titled: Keeping Balance.  It’s a sixteen minute complete Guided Meditation, yet transforms me into miles away from all my pain.  

Today: I reflected on my 20 year old self (Something Buddhists do).  

The Reflection took place exactly 17 years ago, me at 20, working at an RV Store, attending a Community College (I had already been excepted to other Universities but time before would not allow me to attend).  

I was bored with my life, giving up (again) wanting more, to move on.  

Stuck. 

A familiar theme that would take over my life.
I hated my Job at the RV Store, I loathed the town I lived in (and with my family), and yearned to get started again with my Academic Career.

Instead, I opened at 8:30a.m and usually worked to 5:30p.m, headed ‘home,’ and and waited for my friend Chris to call so he could take me out of my misery.

I used to love the sound of his F-150(minus that it’s a Ford).  That sound meant an adventure was awaiting us outside our tired lives.

Chris and I met at the only Class I was taking that Fall Semester, ENG. 101/ Composition.

We hit it off well.  Both Metal Heads, Working  Dead End Jobs, Taking this ridiculous Class and living with family. 

He knew how to make me forget where I was and reminded me of where I needed to be. 

This involved a lot of pot consumption and long rides on I-55. (I actually got in and lied down in the metal utility cabinet that was attached to his truck’s flatbed). ON THE INTERSTATE.

Places like the I & M Canal were another infamous hang out or Papa’s Pizza (different town then we both resided in).

Extra Large Pizza, Fried Mushrooms, And Pitchers of Soda.

We would just talk.

He missed his life in Florida, Family Friends, weather.

His sadness was worn on his sleeve and be never  hid his emotions (we were not in that kind of Relationship, so I found it refreshing that a 18 year old guy could be open like that).

I just vented about my ridiculous job and being stuck.  I never revealed who I really was.

I just wanted out.  I was burying myself in constant highs then anger then sadness.

When I woke abruptly from my Keeping Balance Practice, I thought, I’m in the exact same place.

Now, Disabled, so I can’t never get out.

Teaching 7 Days A Week (for almost fifteen Months now), Hours are down, I’m killing myself, living in a town I have already grown to dislike, and currently experiencing new health problems.*(I actually will be in the Hospital tomorrow morning before I Educate).

As I’m preparing for my next Class, I would say

This is what I want:

To cook again, drive, and not have to kill myself over financial support.

Now, I lay, broken after educating then heavy cleaning (C-2-C-5 and my Back are literally crumbling).

The Sun is down.  Darkness has set in and I’m no where near a peace of mind that is sleep.

I’m forbidden to ever live a normal continuous existence again.  

Good Night.