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Recharged Definitions

Good Morning, Sunday.

I began my Saturday afternoon Plans *(Solo) around 3:00p.m.

I had very little intention of going anywhere unless it was to the closest Store.

But, to my surprise, my Co-Worker invited me over for a 7:00p.m. Hang-Out.

By 6:30p.m, I didn’t want to move.

I was STOKED I got to Rent Sid and Nancy.

I have not seen it since November?

And, even though I was quite busy *(Saturday Routine) during the Film, I was still in it.

After Sid and Nancy, I wanted to watch another Film, but at that last second of loneliness laughing at my door, I got ready.

I go to the closest Store and Purchase items that usually my Co-Worker makes or has available us *(with a little extra surprises).

My Co-Worker was unaware and shocked by this. *(I even purchased a “Starburst” Candle *(I wanted 1 too, but only one left to buy).

Low and behold that’s my Co-Worker’s favorite Candy.

*(I had no idea).

Said Boyfriend was there.

We watched a Series titled Ozark.

I’ve never seen it, but it looked interesting *(Remember, I am a Television/Film Snob).

He didn’t make much small-talk, so I did.

Mostly, about other Series.

Said Boyfriend left around 10:00p.m or so *(could have been earlier), and my

Co-Worker and I sat and chatted.

I know, it is all different now.

1. Boyfriend

2. Boyfriend

3. Boyfriend

That is the character and type of person my Co-Worker is.

And I purchased all that stuff due to not feeling comfortable anylonger.

*And my Co-Worker was WAITING for me to return the ONE Beverage I accidentally took last Sunday morning.

That action/behavior made me to so uncomfortable *(It was in-front of said Boyfriend), I knew my days were doomed.

I wanted to head back around 11, but I was fatigued with only eating literally two bites of Potato Salad *(One of the items I purchased)

What did I purchase?:

1. On The Border Tortilla Chips

2. Jar Of Queso (Blanco)

3. Small Container of Loaded Potato Salad

4. Hunk of Turkey *(which was for me, but I left it there)

5. Starburst Candle

6. Two Servings of Bread Pudding for them.

The rest was for me *(A few things I needed at home and GF items).

And they already ate Steak Kabobs.

Oh well.

But, I felt I had to.

That’s the way it is now.

When I do ever visit with my Co-Worker again, I will bring my own vittles.

Now, Sunday.

I am exhausted.

Another Weekend, Non-Stop.

Little time for my spent body to recharge.

I actually did not want to spend the evening at my Co-Worker’s Place, *(By the way, did I mention I had to ask my Co-Worker if I could stay)?

That’s the uncomfortable box I’ve been placed in.

And, I’ll just have to remain inside, alone until I’m opened up when I’m needed.

Like curtains.

Now, return to my Sunday.

Sunday Routine *(extra) going *(1/2 way done) and I’m thinking, I have 5 more hours to re-watch Sid and Nancy again.

I want to view Mermaids as well. *(I haven’t seen that movie in awhile either).

My Chest hurts, as the regulars, but the Chest pain is alarming.

So, I think my Sunday will be torturous with Anxiety, Films, Candles, Two Cats, and completing my Sunday Routine.

Friendship.

When a person needs are met with what is gained by unwanted effects of lonileness.

This photograph is the Album Cover of Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd, 1975.

I fight with this Album and The Wall being my favorite Floyd Album.

But, as I am now placed in a box, I thought of the Track “Have a Cigar.” VERY similar to what I am feeling/experiencing.

I usually write/post the Lyrics,

But, just listen.

PlayBack Fading Moon

Good Morning, Saturday.

Maybe 4 – 5 hours of dreams.

Exhausted.

I was supposed to begin my new Role today, but unfortunately, it did not work out *(I personally think wrong house), but hopefully next Saturday, we can begin again/anew.

Now, My Saturday is completely thrown off. My New Role is from 5:45a.m-3:00p.m.

I was beyond spent, but I was ready.

So, let’s discuss Friday Night:

Again, Co-Worker wants me to come to her Watering Hole *(She had new Windows Installed and took the Day off from Work).

Well, I had been awake since 4:20a.m on little sleep, sick the day before, and Work/Educated Split-Shift for Eight Hours.

I just wanted to relax.

What’s wrong with that?

We *(Co-Worker & I) did it before with cooking, laughter, open hearts.

Now, with said new BF in picture,

I’m out.

And she falsified about what she was doing anyway.

First, it’s “I’m here.”

Then, “One and I’m going home.”

Well, I had made plans with someone I met on New Year’s Eve *(He and my Co-Worker are former Dart Buddies).

My Co-Worker has been trying to get both if us together.

Well, I was hoping, last evening, it could be a “At Home” Double Date.

No.

So, I hung out with him at my Place for an hour, bitching/confused about what happened *(My Co-Worker contacted him to come up and have a drink at her spot).

Then, I decided, No.

Let’s go to the Restaurant I know.

It closes in and hour and a half.

We had fun there.

Talking, eating, dancing.

We kissed.

Numb.

Me.

We returned to my place and he messaged me at 3:00a.m he had gotten home safe.

I was going to just stay up and watch The Crow until my New Role began, but I couldn’t. I was exhausted.

Mass confusion this early a.m and hope for next weekend.

So, Saturday.

I am thinking about my Mother’s Trip last Weekend.

Brings me sadness. I almost wrote “melancholy,” but stopped myself.

I do wish for a reprise and she could be here.

I’m searching for memories and none come to my mind that are not filled with hurt or sadness.

Maybe that’s why I had so much anxiety regarding last Weekend.

I wanted everything to be perfect.

But, it wasn’t.

Schedule was off

I was not well

Didn’t talk

Didn’t get out until after 5:00p.mish.

Returned

Watched 1.5 Movies

Didn’t talk

Then Sleep.

We did share two hours on Sunday of good conversation, but the things/subjects I wanted to open, were left closed.

Story of my life.

I know my Co-Worker and I are done.

And the person I hung out with last evening, can never be,

And, my sadness: “Feeling down or unhappy in response to grief, discouragement, or disappointment; if ongoing, may indicate depression. Sadness can be normal, and is only an indicator of underlying disease when feelings become excessive, all-consuming, and interfere with daily living.” Mayo Clinic

So, today,

A little Saturday Routine *(No Brown-Bags for my Cats, but I located some. Have to purchase on Monday).

Tonight:

I’m hoping to be able to Rent Sid and Nancy.

It’s been awhile since I’ve viewed/re-viewed it.

Hold the phone.

My Co-Worker actually returned my phone call and invited me over at 7:00p.m for an Evening In with said Boyfriend?

We actually talked how we used to before her lonely obsession with said new Boyfriend began.

I actually wanted to stay in myself due to my Health and Sadness, but I have eight hours before the Invitation begins.

Thirtysomething.

Depressed and Complex.

Especially, when Divorced in late Thirties.

It’s like the hourglass became disoriented with so much pain, it combusted without shattering.

Instead, just flipping in circles, without a stop sign, or green light.

I think of that fantastic Track by

Cyndi Lauper, Time After Time.

Her voice is so beautiful, in non-traditional radio waves.

When I was a kid, I loved that Track.

I always hoped for that someone she is referring to in her lyrics:

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
Flashback, warm nights
Almost left behind

Suitcase of memories.”

Darkened windows is my life now.

Walking this path of what we call life, I will walk alone, forever.

That’s my Hourglasss,

My Thirtysomething.

Perspective Of Hearts

Good Afternoon, Sunday.

Sadness is on the horizon with a touch of hope.

My Mother left 35 minutes ago.

I watched her back out into the alley, and without thinking, I stood at my stairs to my front door (to Porch) and watched her make a left at the light and drive-away.

This is what my (Late) Grandfather used to do when we would leave.

He could see us from his Drive-Way when turned onto Laramie.

I had this instant moment of sadness when I recalled my (late) Grandfather doing as I was in those present seconds.

My Mother and I got to spend another hour together.

She left 30 minutes earlier from her original plan due to the weather up North.

But, she ate Breakfast as we talked and it was nice.

We still didn’t get to talk about the deep

Mother/Daughter stuff or my secret, but she told me on my snowy drive-way, she would come back for another Weekend. *(When the weather is better).

I hugged her tight and told her:

“There is something I want to tell you, I don’t want anymore wasted time.”

She agreed.

It felt good to say that.

I think about it.

I write about it.

And now, I got to say it, face-to-face.

Now, I am trying to rest.

My body is spent as is my heart.

I get to dream until 7a.m tomorrow *(No Split due to the Federal Holiday).

That’s sleeping-in for me.

So, Anxiety?

Yes.

My Mother driving the two hours and seven minutes back in weather, my exhaustion/body, and my Co-Worker *(revieved one Text stating a decision she decided to make regarding a huge plan today. I replied “Ok.” And that is all).

Slumber is calling.

I think I slept maybe a total of less than 12 hours in two days.

And my Saturdays are my finding extra slumber type of days.

Eyes are closing.

I wish for a rest of a good

Sunday.

I am in hope my Anxiety doesn’t win, and I can begin again.

I see this photo today with different eyes, perspective of hearts.

I want to be okay.

I’m sorry I’m not and that’s me reaching for my Mother, to not let time drift away and I am no longer fighting my secret.

Szeretlek Anya.

Mother’s And Daughter’s

Good Morning Sunday.

As my Mother sleeps in my Livingroom *(That’s correct. No Hotel/Motel),

I am quite saddened to say, my

Co-Worker and I are no longer Friends.

It began Saturday morning via text messages.

I was at my Co-Worker’s Place and came home at 5:35a.m.

My Co-Worker actually had to Work *(covering a shift) and had to be there at 6:30a.m.

Around this time, I received a strange text asking me why I took something out of the Fridge.

The context was that I’m taking things from my Co-Worker’s Place.

N O.

I replied.

Nothing.

Called.

Rejected.

Called at Work, was rushed off the phone.

I receive 1 message fours later, nothing to do with the “issue.”

My Co-Worker had time to respond and be very active on Social Media, but not to me?

I finally receive a text 2.5 hours later, that was quite nasty in my eyes.

It hurt to read it, meaning I did not understand where this was coming from.

All I saw was how I was there two Saturday’s ago during the huge tragedy that occurred/my Co-Worker experienced, and being needed and that following Sunday, sharing with my Co-Worker my feelings about being my Best-Friend.

My Co-Worker’s last text *(haven’t heard from since Saturday and this is the first time since we got close) stating we are friends.

How?

When you ignore me, not being direct and thinking I’m like your recent past.

So, again, I am alone.

Even with my Mother here, I’m alone.

No more Best Friend, spending time,

And my Mother’s Visit, started off not well, which is still rewinding in my mind.

She called me on Saturday, late morning screaming at me stating, “I’m not coming down there to hear you talk about said Co-Worker.”

She arrives at 1:29p.m *(Hour behind Schedule).

We sat, not really Visiting, some talk.

I’m feeling lousy.

I had to do some major Cleaning *(My Mother assisted).

I did not complete any other Routines, so I am bombarded with Laundry, Mopping, and Dishes today.

We started a Movie Bohemian Rhapsody *(I had a feeling she would enjoy the Film.

We watched One Hour, I finished getting ready, and we went out to Dinner.

Dinner was difficult *(meaning my Health).

My Mother seemed to be ok.

We really didn’t talk much either, just about the Food and nothing of substance.

After, we headed to my local Grocery Store *(the one I don’t shop at, too expensive).

My Mother was kind enough to purchase all the Items ($53.00).

We return to my Place, and we finished Bohemian Rhapsody.

My Mother wants to settle in for the night, and I let her pick the second feature, Loving.

She became irritated with me about true comments I stated regarding the Country at the time *(in the Movie), and I felt silent.

Here, I was hurting and I couldn’t express my emotions *(I got to talk about it for a few minutes at the Restaurant) and now I’m being silent in my own home.

A deep sadness rolled in, bigger than any ocean.

I wanted my Mother to leave, my Co-Worker to explain Why, and be alone.

The Movie was a little over two hours.

I sat comfortably numb, thinking, I’m alone in Company.

I got her sleeping arrangements going while the movie was still playing *(It was difficult, but I did it).

And I finally asked her why she got so upset.

She stated why, and that was that.

Movie ended, and we went to bed *(Hugs in the Kitchen before).

Now, she is asleep and is departing in less than four hours.

I want time with her.

An Hour.

My Mother and I talked.

She was still asleep when I went to clean-up the kitchen.

She woke and we talked as I completed my Friday Routine *(Dishes) and made her some Coffee.

We went into the livingroom as I started to cry about my

Co-Worker.

My Mother mentioned something that I did not think of yesterday, and it hurt even more.

My Mother let me talk about it and I began to process my

Co-Worker and the person my Co-Worker is.

I was told on Friday, my Co-Worker lost a few Friendships with other Co-Worker’s due to my Co-Worker’s behavior.

So, blaming me for taking things, then ignoring me, how are we still friends?

It will never be the same.

Not for me.

And, I’m not sure when *(soon though), I’m going to return all the hand-me-downs and other things she has gifted/given me *(Even the Homemade Valentine’s Day Card).

I cried more for the loneliness then the loss of the Friendship *(My Mother stated she thinks we’re still Friends, but not to say a Word since 1:30p.m Saturday, is not like her or our Friendship).

So, I will return to Weekend Nights alone.

And I don’t understand.

I am grateful for the Hour I got to Visit with my Mother.

We will have a little more time after she finishes getting ready to head home, but at least I got time.

Next Weekend Presents, Mother

Good Morning Sunday.

Again.

This up-coming week is going to be brutal.

I have Work/Educate, Wednesday is my Fifteenth Anniversary of my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy, and Friday after Work/Educate, I prepare for my Mother’s Trip.

Yes, you read correctly.

We planned it in January, actually in December *(Christmas Eve, when my Parents were in town), but confirmed in January.

My Mother called it: “Mother/Daughter Weekend.

Which, we have not had since February 2009, when she came to Visit me when I lived in TexAss. *(She came to visit the first Weekend in February 2009 due to me being alone while my Ex-Husband was Deployed (#2).

She stayed at our Duplex.

I arranged our Office into a Second Bedroom.

It was nice.

She thought so too.

The Weekend was going well*(I took her to a Go-Kart Venue, Dinner at a fantastic Mexican Restaurant) until she made a nasty comment about what not to eat, and as a recovered Anorexic, I stood-up for myself to her the first time in regards to Food/Weight Comments. *(Funny, I was wearing a Size 5 when she made that Comment).

After I had to live with my Parents for 13 Months due to another Deployment, and I moved to a town 45 minutes West of them, there was no need for a Mother/Daughter Weekend.

But, then when I moved an hour and a half away, and only 5 Visits in 15 Months, she told me she wished she would have come down for a Weekend.

Now, 2 Hours and 7 Minutes away, I’ve seen my Parents 3 Times *(twice together) in a little over 3 Months.

So, the reason for this surprising occasion?

The Anniversary of my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy.

15 Years.

I guess it finally hit my Mother. *(She has never asked me about it. Ever).

She is arriving on Saturday, and staying at a Motel.

I am not sure when she will be here, I am hoping late-morning, so we have time together.

That means, Friday after Work/Educate, I will be massively cleaning *(Up to standards).

Wby a Hotel?

When she came to Visit Ten years ago, I had two dogs, no cats.

She is allergic to both.

But, it’s the space/room of my place now, I guess she wants her own place. *(It’s the smallest place I’ve lived at/in since Graduate School #1).

I am not sute yet on the Itinerary, but I am hopeful.

Prediction Past

Good Morning, Sunday.

Early.

I found slumber after 4:00p.m on a Saturday. Only to thtee hours later of exhaustion, anger, and sadness.

I found slumber again post 9:00p.m, waking every so often, but forced myself to stay in dreams.

Confusion set in when my eyes were focusing, the room, still in darkness.

Had I slept to/through another day?

I quickly got up when I realized, I needed to feed my Cats, and take my Medication.

So, yesterday,

My Plans completely erased.

I had my entire Saturday planned out, due to what Weekend it is.

I finished a Film then after another round with a Company I am very disappointed with, I treated myself to a movie I have wanted to see since November, Bohemian Rhapsody.

It was good.

Yes, I had read reviews of many inaccuracies, but in-all, the movie was good.

I did cook *(Not what was apart of The Plan), something I can nosh on during the Work Week, and then my body was just done.

Now,

I did hear from my

Co-Worker.

A few texts about plans for today and feeling better from yesterday *(why I didn’t hear/receive anything).

Still, no apologies for Friday Night, but I guess expectations are different.

Meaning, I thought I had a real friend again, but apparently it is not the way.

I’m over exhausted *(Need Compression Stockings, so that contributes to the pain/exhaustion) and feeling unwell.

So, I am going to finish my Sunday Routine and rest.

I just had a flashback.

Sunday at my (Late) Grandfather’s house.

I was 13.

We would order Pizza *(which always took an hour to deliver) and afterwards, watched The Commish.

I don’t know why on earth I just had this memory, but it is a happy one.

Yes, I still had Sunday Anxiety, but I loved going to my (Late) Grandfather’s house (wish it was not Sold) and spending time with him. *We always talked in the Front Room, either as soon as we arrived or waiting for the Pizza.

Those are the moments I miss with him *(My Late Grandfather).

It’s 9 Years this year since his Passing.

A LOT of difficult and painful Anniversaries coming-up.

Too much to handle.

So, like one of my favorite photographs, I wish for a glimpse.

Most want their Future.

Not I.

A glimpse into the Past. So, I could escape inside the Crystal Ball and have many re-do’s

And try to remain young, forever.

Less Than Sarcasm

Good Morning Saturday.

What a week.

A week of very hard Work and my body spent, beyond.

Having to rise at 4:20 now 3 of the 5 days has pushed my body beyond.

So, I was hoping last evening, a relax night with my Co-Worker.

She told me a day or two before we would go out, but my body just couldn’t.

Then she let’s me know her new “Friend” is coming over, so that means I’m not spending the night.

In the end,

My Co-Worker blows me off.

“I thought you didn’t want to do anything. Just come hang out for a few hours.”

As I sat in my Vechile ready to cry/scream.

One, never stated that. I just wanted a chill night.

Two, this Weekend is very difficult and sad for me.

In Four Days, it is the

15th Anniversary of my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy.

I needed my Friend.

But, going out and new BF are more important.

I feel fucking stupid.

That’s right.

Stupid.

Here, I thought I found someone that was truly my Friend *(ESPECIALLY, after last Weekend), and this occurs?

I don’t get it.

I knew when my

Co-Worker met new “Friend” things were changing, shifting.

But, in less than a week?

And knowing how this Weekend would affect me?

Just spoke with my

Co-Worker.

Couldn’t talk.

Headache.

Out all night at said Bar, was even driven home. “Will talk later, when feeling better.”

That makes me feel terrific.

Sarcasm and Numb.

This is the original photo from the Album(Vinyl) The Wall by Pink Floyd (My favorite Album by them).

How perfect, no perfection is this artistry for what I am feeling.

Feelings.

Over.