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A Reflection Session

Another Weekend passed/past.

I awoke to sunlight and a cough deep that rattled my bones.

It took an hour for me to collect myself and get up to start a new round of Antibiotics *(That I had to pay Full-Price for).

I’ve taken this Antibiotic before, but it’s been awhile.

From what I remember in my clouded thoughts are the side-effects are not as severe as the latter Prescription.

So, I return to bed as the sun keeps blooming and I spilling with anxiety.

I had a Session yesterday with my Counselor *(Once a week now, sometimes, every other week, which is not ideal, but it has to be for now).

It was a rushed Session due to miscommunication, yet things inside were expressed.

I told my Counselor, time moved fast. Friday made it 4 weeks since my Cat passed away suddenly.

I can’t believe it. Still, that he passed and how time flies now without warning.

*I must have been dreaming because at some point I thought he was here last night.

We ended our Session with better transfer of words of next conversation.

It was after 4:30p.m, and I just wanted to rest before completing house chores, but I couldn’t.

Thoughts, worries, anxiety were together fighting for attention. *(I’m not used to so much Anxiety) I decided to do a load of Laundry and the heavy lifting, Catbox.

As my body was screaming at me, I kept thinking about how I paid 2 Grand *(The last of my Retirement Fund) on Friday.

As I am driving everyday, my Truck began to make these strange “knocking” sounds.

Last Saturday, I took it to the Garage I used in January, and the diagnosis: the Engine was done.

Over.

I need transportation now, so my Truck had to be repaired.

The Technician let me use a Shop Truck while my Truck was being ripped apart, gutted, so I could at least get to work.

Work.

I picked up my Truck 6 days later, only for the Technician to call me yesterday at 8:37 ante meridiem in regards to him not sure if a major bolt not being tightened on the Engine.

So, I had to take my Truck back in *(Was not planning on going anywhere until my 8p.m Grocery Pick-Up).

So, I re-calculated my day after the morning Garage check (The Technician did not tighten the bolt he referred to, which could have led to serious damage to the new Engine I just purchased).

I picked-up my Grocery Errand after then decided to find a Drive-Thru Starbucks.

I have not enjoyed Starbucks since early Summer of 2017.

I made it back, absorbing everything that occurred in the last 24 hours and how I wanted to plan/spend the rest of my Saturday.

Saturday.

As usual, the clock struck sunset and I was alone *(as I have been since late November), and I chose to finish watching Sid and Nancy.

There’s an obsession with this Movie now.

I know some of the Film reasons, but personal I feel that I can get lost while I’m watching and remember at the same time, my own life. Certain situations, College, my deceased best friend.

And before, I know it, the End Credits are rolling once again.

I didn’t want to sleep.

So, I started to view Winchester.

I know the Historical Facts and Story behind the House, and I don’t usually like new movies, but I wanted to stay awake, in the darkness of my own rented house.

As the movie played with my two favorite jar Candles burning, I was daydreaming about how I was able to sit on my Front Porch the evening before. Something I have not been able to do since October.

I layered up *(due to being sick) and watched my two Cats sit on the Window Ledge (separate ledges) and watch the night hours pass. *(We stayed out only for about forty minutes. The weather and me led us back in).

Yes, Two Cats.

The Friday before my Engine was done, I visited a place where I wanted to spend time with Cats that needed a home.

I continuously contemplated on/if I should Adopt.

I wanted a Brother for my other Cat who has never been a solo animal since I rescued him five years ago, and for myself.

I was not nor ever looking to replace my other Cat, but I missed having two Cats.

I filled out Paperwork with the thought it would take awhile and that I still have my Retirement Fund and Plans.

The very next sunrise, exactly at 10:04a.m,

*(Ironically, my Mobile was in my hand).

The call was in regards to the visit and Paperwork.

They asked me if I wanted to Adopt him.

In that very moment, I felt strange, lost, didn’t know how to make the choice.

Choice.

Strange because it happened all so fast.

Lost. I do not want to feel that I am replacing him. I still feel his presence. Everyday, I’m in mourning. In darkness, I cry.

He’s always with me.

I replied “Yes.”

On my way hours later to complete the Adoption/Rescue, my Engine was done. *(He was already with me in the Truck).

What was I supposed to be?

Take him back?

I actually thought about it the next day.

But, I can’t.

Now, it’s been almost eight days since he’s been here.

I’m still deciding on my Choice because he’s attacking my other Cat. It’s extreme when it happens.

But, in my strange world, he is already so attached to me. More than any Pet I’ve Adopted/Rescued. *(It started the day after I brought him home. He laid ontop of me and fell asleep. This is the kind of connection I’ve been looking for with the first Pet I Adopted when I was 19).

How can I just “Return” him?

As the unpleasant side-effects from my new Prescription begin, I look back at a piece of conversation yesterday with my Counselor.

I am alone.

I’ve tried to meet new people (especially in March), but nothing.

That’s how I see my new Furson.

He was alone *(He’s only 2.5 years old) for four months and prior to that they don’t know his history.

I wanted the rented house to feel alive again even though there is so much pain.

But, now losing the remainder of my Retirement Fund to major Truck repairs leaves me with once again,

Nothing.

A Vicious Light

10:38 post meridiem.

The house is dark with the exception of two glass candles and the ever remaining stove light.

Today, many many things went very wrong, but I can’t seem to shake the two dreams I had this early morning and 45 minute afternoon.

Why

Why do dreams of him enter my psyche when I hate him and he treated me beyond unkind.

I don’t understand many things anymore in my current existence

But, these two separate sleeping pictures were so intense, real *(as they always have been).

Most are vicious, angry like real life follows me to my silent place and I cannot even turn that off.

Our last real-life conversation was the worst between us.

The way he spoke to me, the words he chose to hurt me, belittle me so he could feel better about himself when indeed if he looked in the mirror it must be so easy for him to have no soul because if he did he would have never spoke to me in a manner of wretchness in times of and my life that are drowning without cause of something I did.

I just wish the dreams would end.

He was never who he pretended to be when we met.

So many words and feelings wasted.

Facade.

Family Consolation

Month 8.

I just realized I am 8 Days behind on my monthly Chapter.

I’m currently in bed beyond what someone could label sick *(Sinus And Ear Infection again).

It took 3 hours just to move to start my Medication again (Last night).

But, something else is going on.

I’ve had Tachycardia for 72 Hours now (very dangerous for someone like myself) and This Sinus/Ear Infection hit me like a wall around 7:00 post meridiem yesterday.

I woke yesterday morning, sick to my stomach. Took Ginger and an over-the-counter Medication.

I felt exhausted, but sick in a way that was alarming.

My Parents were supposed to come down (again).

We’ve been trying to make Plans since March 24, but Mother Nature decided to dump a blizzard where I live.

The following weekend, unfortunately, both my Parents were sick. *(I became sick later on the same day).

So, we planned for April 7.

Well, I had a week of hell at Work, was out on Thursday, received my Cat’s Ashes on Thursday evening, and Friday was a horrific day back at work.

My body cannot sustain much longer (physically), but I’m mentally a ghost.

So, return to yesterday morning. Was supposed to Educate (3 Classes), I could not (even Online).

My Disability was on fire and I just felt so beat-up, that I couldn’t.

I spoke with my Mother at 11:45 in sunlight, contemplating our Reschuduled Plans.

I was sad, angry that I was so consumed from the stress from my Job on Friday, and depleted by my Disability and Stomach Issues.

So, we spoke for 24 minutes, and I made the decision to weather my body’s storm and have then come and Visit *(It’s exactly 111 Miles between us).

They made it down about 2:45 post meridiem.

I had the Day Planned as I did on March 24.

But, tell me why, that particular Saturday I was feeling great. *(The day after my Cat passed away too).

So, I took them to the:

1. David Davidson Mansion Tour.

They actually really enjoyed it.

2. Picked Up Groceries I Had Ordered.

3. Then Took Them On A Tour Of The Town *(My Father was driving [a plus] and they have only been down here three times to visit [my Father Solo on 8/12/17 to help me unpack/put together my new place).

4. Then I surprised them with a Fancy Dinner (Grubhub) since it was after 6.

Then bam.

I feel like Death. Yes, my Disability is always at the starting gate, but my ears, sinuses, and body were in so much pain.

I was so depressed.

I just wanted to spend time with both of my Parents, whom I have not seen together since December 30, 2017.

I wanted to talk about my Job (I was able to tell my Mother over the morning conversation what had occurred on Friday), but I wanted to talk about my late Cat, their lives, catch-up as a Family does.(ESPECIALLY, after my tragic Birthday Weekend. Then I didn’t see them again for four months).

It shouldn’t have NEVER been like that. They are both sixty, working Full-Time(My Father still Manual Labor) and my Mother at a newer Employer that is stressful.

And Me.

Disabled.

No More Job/Income.

And now the Job I’m trying my best at is literally dismantling my Disability and Health.

So, the discussion was brought up again, that I most likely will have to return home.

Something I do not want.

But, what other options do I have?

After my Parents left,

I changed and listened to Guided Meditation while I was melting into my sheets.

I did not understand.

So, when I saw the Cellular Clock read 11, I forced every particle of myself to start my Second Round of Antibiotics *(That come with very unpleasant side effects).

I made it back into bed, opening my eyes at 2:20 ante meridiem and decided to crawl out of my shelter and take my other Medicaton and then a box of Orange Juice *(I bought a six pack when I began my new Job, knowing my Immune System would need Vitamin C).

Eyes opened again at 7:30 ante meridiem (I think once before, but I was so delirious), and again making my way to my Medication and Water with the very unpleasant side effects.

I have been awake since.

Tachycardia is one to blame.

I’m behind worrisome now.

I have to return to my Job tomorrow *(Schedule is day by day until Friday) and I literally do not know how I’m going to make it.

So, I’m going to rest my bones, my eyes, my mind.

I have my Clock set for Medication Times then prepare for the inevitable.

I am happy I did get to see/short visit with both of my Parents.

There’s been too much darkness in my Life and they have so much of their own afflictions, time is running out.

Girl Down

I tried.

I am Disabled.

Dysautonomia.

And I worked until I couldn’t get out of bed this morning.

I worked 8 Days *(March 26 to April 4).

9-6p.m

*(March 12-13 were Training, so 5 Hours. And March 23 I went in 2.5 Hours late due to my Cat’s passing).

Every day was becoming more and more demanding on my body.

Physically

And, mentally.

On Tuesday, April 3, I received a phone call on my 1 Hour lunch break at exactly 1:34p.m

It was the Vet. calling me with the Preliminary Results From The Necropsy.

We spoke for 16 Minutes and 27 seconds.

This Conversation took place in Public and on Speaker Phone.

I am not okay with the Results because I was right.

Now, I’m in a place more alone than ever since I moved here and I have no one.

No one to express my pain to.

No one to talk about how I feel about everything that has been occurring these last five months.

No one to hug and tell me I am not alone.

Just a hug, an embrace would help ease my sorrow.

Now, I tried to work/educate outside my home Full-Time *(Something, I have never done since I became Disabled).

Yesterday, was my body’s breaking point.

I was so sick, my chest was caving in most of the day, blood pooling, fatigue, weak

All of what Dysautonomia does to me, but heightened due to the stress from aniexty about work/Income then a sadness for my Cat’s passing, pushing me under.

I woke today at 6:15 ante meridiem knowing, feeling my body and mind can not continue.

But, now this leaves me with nothing.

It’s 9:46 now.

This cold and cloudy Thursday, and I should be at work.

I feel defeated, broken, lost.

I want to close my eyes and wake to my old Job/Career and my Cat sleeping next to me.

These are not things one asks for in material, fantastical, dreams.

These are existence, survival.

Life.

Every night tears flood my pillow as I beg for my Cat to come back, that I’m sorry.

It’s been almost two weeks (tomorrow) since his premature passing and I feel it happens every day when I wake up *(I found him where I put my feet on the floor every morning when I get out of bed).

I feel there is a stillness, permanent ache in this house now.

No Job/Income.

No Cat *(Yes, I have another Cat, but in eight months I have had to say Goodbye to two animals and my Cat was my shadow, my soul.

Me.

Haunted House

8:23 ante meridiem.

Like mental clock work.

Eyes open.

Thunder collapsing all around me like I was in a white squall.

I couldn’t breathe, heart rate in Tachycardia.

Someone call for help.

I re-organize my sight. My mind is racing.

I look

I’m alone.

Tears flood the aging bed.

Drowning in stillness.

My Cat, gone

Forever.

Why?

Why is this darkness, cloud following me, hurting me, ripping my life apart?

He was only 4.5 years old.

I only spent 7.5 Months with him before I became Disabled.

This August, would have been 4 years together.

My Shadow, My Soul, My Little Boy.

Remember, *I Had To Do This Eight Months Ago With My Dog. Let Him Go After 9 Years.
Yes, He’s Alive, But I Haven’t Received:
1. Photographs
2. Updates

Now, my Cat passes away?

Well, in 5 Days, it’s three years.

Three year Anniversary of being Disabled.

And now, I have to Teach outside my house since I have no steady income, so I should be dead soon.

Maybe he knew.

All the terrible things, crumbling around us and me back in December making my way to stand on the Railroad Tracks.

Now.

Well, I have a week to wait

Wait for the Necropsy Results.

I have to call Cremation tomorrow.

My baby is sitting in a Veterinary Morgue, and I don’t know why.

When I was holding his body at the Emergency Clinic, He felt alive.

I kept whispering, Buddy, please

Please come back.

Please Buddy.

I wanted his spirit to know I was there, begging for him to come back.

He had a tear in one of his eyes.

I wiped it away and closed it.

Now, everymorning I wake up, the first thing I see is his body.

That’s where I found him.

Now, this room, this house will never be the same.

Rainbow Bridge

March 23, 2018.

My Furson Leonardo Foltok Passed Away Suddenly.

I Woke To My Other Cat (Jackson) Pouncing On Him.
I Was Half Asleep, Just Thought They Were Fighting.
Then (Jackson) Wouldn’t Stop.
I Rolled Over, And Leonardo Was Lying On The Floor Next To The Bed.
I Picked Him Up.
He Was Warm, But, Not Moving.
I Rushed Him To The Only Emergency Animal Clinic, And They Told Me, He Must Have Just Passed. *(I was woken up at 5:30a.m).

He Was Only 4.5 Years Old.
So, They Called It An Acute Death.
But, They Don’t Know Why He Died, So I Sent Him To U of I For A Necropsy.
*(It’s the only location that does it within the area).
It Will Take A Week For Results.
I Have To Know Why He Passed Away.

*The Second Clinic I Took Him To *(where he will be picked up)
Did A Paw Print And A Little Kitty Glass Vile Of His Fur.
Free Of Charge.
*I got to hold him in the towel they had at the Emergency Clinic For Almost 35 Minutes.

I Don’t Know How I Will Be Without Him. I feel more alone than ever.
He Was My Shadow, My Soul.
The Only Pet To Chose Me.
He Was Literally With Me 24/7 Since We Moved Here.

Leonardo, Why Did You Leave?
I Love You Forever.
R.I.P
My Little Boy.

The Pedagogue Melancholy Effect

After This Late Afternoon, I Know Where I Stand At The Company I’ve Dedicated Myself For 22 Months/7 Days A Week.

My COO made sure I don’t matter even in how passionate I am about Education and how devote I am even in Disability.

He made sure that I felt as if everyting I ever accomplished in the 22 Months is short of nothing and that everyone is struggling too even though he is a Millionaire (as well at the entire Student Body and Upper Management).

Thank You for trying to make me feel worthless when my life is crumbling, ripping at the seams, but you would never understand.

1. You’ve never been an Educator.

2. You’re extremely wealthy.

3. You’re not Disabled.

Remember that as you look at your soul.

Original Post:

February 10, 2018.

Good evening, after a very difficult time of life, I decided not to take my Medication that induces sleep and releases me from my Disability (partial to some at it’s finest release).

I chose to watch a Film I watched, (in segments the last view) ‘Children of a Lesser God.’

I made the decision to watch this film (I own it on Amazon Prime/Roku) because I am struggling with the fact I have been an Educator for twelve years now (even Post-Disability) and my current Position is bleeding me dry. *Also, in reflection. When I was ten, I had a friend, Jennie. She was Deaf. She taught me a lot of ASL. People tormented her and I had already been tortured myself, so we had a secret bond.

I remember, August 1, 2016, we launched Version 2.0 of our Work and as the Educator, I was stoked. Not just how many hours I was teaching (Average 45-52 Hours a Week/7 Days A Week), but what we had to offer to our Students. Then to watch them evolve and become Graduates and continue on to the University of their Dreams was not just a part of my Career but was subconsciously healing me (My internal emotional pain from my Disability).

My hard work extended into 2017 (7 Days A Week) all the way to late November of 2017. Performing at the top level among my colleagues (Performance Reviews), I felt I would remain in this Position forever.

No.

It just stopped. As I have reiterated before, no reason, explanation, direction, just stopped.

Now, if one is unfamiliar with ‘Children of a Lesser God,’ (it was a Play first then adapted for the Screen by the Playwright, Mark Madoff.

James Leeds(William Hurt), The Speech Pathologist Teacher whose passion was to change how students were learning. He wanted his students to speak and have the chance to utilize both Speech and Sign Language as tools to communicate.

He was brilliant at it. He truly cared about his Profession as an Educator and his students lives.

I am the same.

I have given my life to my Career, and I am Disabled now, and I never stopped Teaching.

I can’t. *(Educators and Principals run in my Family/Maternal).

I can no longer teach in a physical Classroom, so my options are the 1% of the Academic Job Market.

I do not posses a PhD *(another dream of mine crushed), so I cannot Teach for major Universities Online.

But, I got lucky. I started with the Test Prep. world before I was Disabled, and that led me into a Full-Time Career again Online.

But, the way I have been treated these last three months, is burying me.

I wrote this a year ago:

“2/10/17.
Good Morning.
I’m Headed To My First Interview(45 Minutes) Since July 2016. It Saddens Me.
See You Soon Korea.

“I’m locked inside here
Want to stay
With people who aren’t here
All the way
The hurt doesn’t show
But, the pain still grows.
We were a Family.”

*There was an Incident at my Job (the only one I ever had) when I thought it was over by the way my COO and former Direct Boss spoke to me. **Within a Month, things normalized between myself and my former Direct Boss.

But, the second part of that Post is beyond painfully accurate today.

I know, no Job is guaranteed, but when One works as hard and is as dedicated as I am even with the lack of gratitude and now, financial crisis, it is pushing me into a position without future options.

I never left the Classroom. It left me.

Not my Students, but by people who have never been educators, guides and have never experienced the magnificence of changing someone’s life.

I still give my 100% everyday, but I’m losing the pedagogical race from the Capital war.

And it’s killing me.

Literally.

How will they remember me?

I hope they know

I gave a piece of my heart to every Class I’ve ever taught since 2006.

Even in Disability.

Teacher of a Lesser God.