Three Day Weekend.
What’s the Plan Saturday Morning?
You woke me from a deep undertow at 6:42a.m
So, what’s the Plan?
Cleaning Cat Puke On Late Grandfather’s Couch/Futon ✅
Eldest Cat lying next to me, semi dreaming.
Newest Cat, lying at my feet. Sounds stirring occasionally
I miss them so during the busy Week.
I only see them roughly for 16.4 Hours during the Monday-Friday show.
Oh, eyes are heavy.
Maybe dreams are heading my way.
Instead of the waking Nightmares I live and face everyday.
Eyes see 6:30 a of am.
I recall heading to sleep before 9 *(That is definitely a Saturday Night record **unless I was ill).
I did not take my Medication yesterday, so I was in a state of strange consciousness.
I did complete almost all my list of Saturday Chores, Regular One P.M. Therapy Session, And Errands.
After driving almost killed me *(literally), I lied in my bed then decided at 5:00p.m, I would join the World and sit with my two Cats on my Enclosed Porch.
*I had forgotten I was supposed to attend an Event yesterday, but I cancelled in-time. There was no-way I could without my Medication to support my failing system.
I stayed outside, People watching, thinking, and reflecting with my two Cats,
After 2.5 Hours, I decided to relax and try to do what I had planned on:
Me, Blanket, And Binge T.V.
I chose The Big Chill.
I made it 32 Minutes in and slumber was overwhelmingly calling for/to me.
I had the strangest dreams as my mind let my body sleep over 7 hours uninterrupted.
Has to be different.
So, I took my Medication and another to assist with Sleep and awoke 3 hours later.
I was hoping to open my eyes by sunset, but I’ll take the sleep I am given *(even in its intervals or with assistance).
What’s left from yesterday:
Then some Laundry I don’t want to pile on for tomorrow.
Spoke with my Mother *(via telephone) for 1 Hour and 6 minutes.
It wasn’t just counter-top talk, but important stuff that was discussed and shared.
I then found myself doing one load (out of three of Laundry, but not the
I began watching
Six Feet Under
from the Begining.
It’s been years since I watched the Series.
Alan Ball at his finest.
I plan on watching a few more Episodes later then finish The Big Chill.
I’m in a state of fatigue today due to said Medication I took 10 Hours ago for help with sleep.
I actually have a lot I wanted to accomplish today, but resting my Body and Mind is something I truly needed.
Yes, it sucks
Truly sucks being Alone
But, I am tired.
Body and Soul.
In Black Slacks, Turquoise Silk and Lace Cami, and a Maroon Crushed Velvet Pink Floyd Tee, I’m lying here with the thought of I need to get things done, Sex, and being Alone/hoping not to be soon.
I can tell my body needs it as my Soul does.
Listening to Father Figure *(Album, Faith) by George Michael.
One of the most lustful, sexual songs of all-time.
And as I reflect on how long it has been since I have had Sex, once again past/passed the Year Mark *(The longest was over 2.5).
I was still Married. Even though I knew he moved on and I tried to Divorce him. My Ex-Husband wanted it all.
But, that ended.
Fall of 2015.
I was Working/Educating for Colombia.
I met MULTIPLE Colombians I could have fucked. It’s too easy. *(The one I wanted the most had a Girlfriend). That’s how it always goes in my existence.
Now, my Relationship with Colombia is rooted so deep, it will be apart of me forever.
Remember, my late Son was half Colombian.
So, return to Fall, 2015.
The one I did chose.
Oceans of Regret.
I wanted David Q. and I know he wanted me, but as stated, he had a Girlfriend.
*I think about him from time to time. Is he still in the Colombian Army? A Pilot? With Her? Does he think of me?
Then I think of the person I had shared myself with after.
What a waste.
Maybe this is why it’s been so long?
My Soul needs to understand how to pick someone right.
And, I’m working on that know.
NOT giving myself away even though the desire is there because NO ONE will EVER measure up to my Ideal Man,
Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara.
House Chores are calling.
Recap Past Tense.
Finished Check-List from Saturday Morning.
*In-addition to extra House Chores.
Texted for a few hours.
Worried about a good Friend.
Promised my two Cats a
Laser Show *(while listening to The Dark Side of the Moon).
We did. For almost an hour.
Looked at Phone as I closed my eyes,
Where did the Time go?
I had only been up since 10:00p.m *(Meaning, up with my Routine).
I’m having a difficult/hard time swallowing.
This is a-part of Dysautonomia.
And now, super Tachycardia.
A fantastic way to end my
Three Day Weekend and
Begin this week.
I don’t recall the last time I wrote/published on a Monday, but that’s the Domain *(I wrote about why recently).
I can’t get up.
Laundry is calling.
Half way done and down.
I’m in Rx Hell.
I’m sick from a pinch of my Medication that assists with Sleep, and it is wreaking mayhem on my body *(and mind).
I didn’t want to fucking do anything today.
And, Here I am,
Sweeping, Dishes, Laundry.
I’m fucking tired.
Why can’t I just wake up without Tachycardia and Pain and do my day the way I anticipated it to be?
Another Uppaid Day.
Yesterday was my Birthday.
I was born at 7:03a.m
Maybe, this is why my brain wakes up at 6 hours or less of needed dreams.
Yesterday, began with a 7:20 a of m brain wake up call.
I had to get ready and go to the DMV to renew said License.
It took me and my Body awhile.
But, I made it, and fifty minutes later, I was back in bed *(with my nice clothes on).
My Parents were supposed to arrive between Noon-1p.m
But, they didn’t arrive until after 3.
I was Sad.
I knew it would be a short visit.
And with everything happening/occurring right now and before, I was in hope for a full-day with my Family.
They visited for 4 Hours.
Departed at 7:30p.m
I walked them out to my Father’s Jeep, and watched them pull-away as if they were strangers just visiting from another place.
So, I spent the rest of my early evening running a quick errand *(Assisting someone in a Wheelchair retrieving his Groceries from the store shelves).
And then close to two hours on my Enclosed Porch with my two Cats.
The weather has shifted, so it was quite warm last evening, which has caused my Allergies to flare.
*There is a Heat Index Warning until Tuesday.
After two hours past/passed, I decided to watch what I call a “Birthday” movie.
But, that fell through when my former Best Friend of 24 years Text me out of the blue to wish me a ‘Happy Birthday” even though she’s ignored my Messages since April 2018.
She’s holding onto an incident that occurred 2 Years ago that includes her Boyfriend whom was verbally abusive to me, and she took his side *(we spoke after that night, and she seemed to be past it all).
I didn’t want to let her disrupt my Birthday Evening, so I sent two long texts that made it clear how I felt.
She responded in-between them, but did not respond to the latter.
Empty due to the fact after 24 Years of Friendship and EVERYTHING we’ve been through, she can act as if it’s ok to walk in and out, even after the incident obviously now not in honesty *(telling me late 2016 no matter what she loves me).
Silence from no response/responding to my messages and what my heart and Soul had to say.
Before, I would have been 100% torn-up inside, wrecked from the Whys. *That was our Friendship continuously *(On her side of it).**I walked away from our Friendship once due to this. But, I returned with hope. No. She has changed due to her Relationship.
But, now I can’t.
I have too much pain inside from these last 8 months and my present circumstances, life.
I ended my Birthday with just watching Roku then felt overwhelmingly exhausted and it was Birthday Past, so I went to sleep.
This was my Second Birthday here in my Rented Place. And, this Birthday VERY different from 2017.
If I would have known then what was going to happen in 3 months, I would have left then.
Yes, I was going to leave yesterday, but I held on.
I truthfully don’t know why, but I managed to stay.
Now, today, a Full-Moon, Laundry ×3, Dishwasher ×2, and a new Schedule. *I asked my Direct Boss on Friday if I could Work/Educate more hours due to Financial Reasons, and she said “Yes.”
So, returning to early mornings for 1.5 Hours of extra Work/Educate.
I am grateful.
3:02 on an overly warm Sunday afternoon.
I was invited to a
Vegan Potluck at a Farm, but declined.
I don’t have the Finances for extra Gas and Food, and I am beyond worn down today.
Took Medication earlier to help rest. Got my always two hours, but I think less due to stress and anxiety.
Spoke with my Mother for 33 Minutes and 34 Seconds.
If I don’t PM or Call, she won’t, *(which is sad due to my life circumstances).
There are/were things I wanted to discuss with her today that are vital, but oh well.
So, laundry is going.
Dishwasher, last round.
Going to close my eyes and hope for the best.
Two hours have past.
Completed Chores and was verbally abused by a complete stranger because I didn’t want to have Coffee today.
I can no longer take the pain, so I took my Medication that assists with sleep.
I’m crying out and in silence.
And no one to hear.
6:45 mind wake up call.
Awake at 3:45a.m, restless.
Went to bed at 12:26a.m due to stomach pains and overall just not feeling right.
Decided to start my Routine earlier.
Spent an hour with my two Cats on the Enclosed Porch.
Then decided to cook. A “rummage through the pantry and kitchen homemade Recipe” night.
As my Rummage Homemade Recipe was in oven, I watched the movie Ghost.
It’s been a few years since I viewed it, and I wanted a change in the Saturday Film emotion vault.
I was up and down through most of it *(cooking/cleaning rented Kitchen), and I didn’t finish it due to not feeling well.
Laundry piled/ready to go
Youngest Cat lying ontop of me
Today, I have to get the Laundry done, figure out how I’m going to be able to purchase my needed Rx *(No Insurance = Full-Price), and prepare myself for Work.
That seems to be my life now.
I have to pay everything at max capacity making less than $25k a year.
A good reason to ride the rails.
Good morning Saturday.
Awoke To Alone Sunrise And Elder Cat Puking x8.
First Week is complete at new Job.
I’m more physically and mentally beat up than ever.
This Week as an Educator/Teacher was the most difficult in my entire Teaching Career.
Tachycardia is at it’s finest as we write.
I wanted today to be a “Rest Day.”
But, as in just a little over an hour, too much has already occurred.
So, I guess it will be another Saturday, catching up on Cleaning, House Chores, Possibly Errand(s).
My eyes are heavy.
My legs are on fire.
I had the strangest dreams as I awoke today.
How dreams manipulate but is our waking reality.
Oh yes, My Regular Saturday Session is now at One with my new Counselor.
We had our First last Saturday. I was so ill, it was difficult to even speak, but I managed and I am ready to talk today.
Thinking of things I want to do, but shouldn’t.
My Birthday is in a Week.
I don’t want it.
I never have.
And, why are Pancakes present?
I first smelled it in my rented kitchen as I was cleaning x8 Cat Puke.
Is it breakfast from summer past/passed?
Ghosts lingering, not ready to leave what they once had and knew?
I’m a living ghost. I passed away twenty years ago. I was 17.
Now, a shell of a Woman with nothing but a broken body, dreams, sadness.
9 Hours Later…
Rested some *(Always two hour intervals of deep REM Cycles).
Fluffing laundry and swept two rooms.
Giving me back,
Tachycardia and legs in pain.
I did catch up with a Friend that was needed.
Saturday Evening awaits.
With Routine and Sadness.
An illusion that no human can ever touch or photograph completely.
But, gives hope and wonder in and to our existence.
I lost my Job.
7 Days ago, I wrote:
“I cannot afford to lose this Job.
Financially nor mentally.”
I cannot concur with what occurred. It wasn’t supposed to happen.
I really enjoyed Teaching there.
Even though the drive, and I was financially starting from the bottom, I really and truthfully loved working/educating there.
The answer to that question was personal not Professional.
Something I don’t understand.
Now, I lie here, Dysautonomia on fire, UC on fire, Stomach. On fire.
I did receive new Employment on Friday *(begin tomorrow). Same Drive, less pay.
So, I’ve been beating myself up, wracking my brain, deciding on what to do.
There is nothing to do.
I will not survive.
I cannot continue on like this.
A Year Has Past/Passed Since I Re-located Here.
Only 4 Months Were Filled With Excitement, Content. Job. Career. My Cat Still Alive. Future Dreams.
Eight Months Later,
Everything is gone. Vanished. Depleted.
I lie in bed this overly hot Sunday Morning in extreme pain.
I was in the Emergency Room on Friday for 6 and a half hours. *(My Doc. sent me there while I was in his Office for a Same-Day Appt.).
Ulcerative Colitis. Another Episode.
It’s actually been awhile.
I’ve been consumed with
Severe Sinus Infections since mid-March, I haven’t had any stomach issues *(Other than Stress).
The last time my UC was this bad was in November 2017.
I remember it well.
There have been mini episodes since, but it only last a day *(A few single days out of a month).
This current Episode began this past Thursday.
Like a storm, it rolled through on Friday knocking me out and down.
I tried to Work. Made it only 2 Hours. *(Something I’m nervous about. My Boss did not seem happy with me and I missed a Full Day of Work the Wednesday before due to Sinuses *(I should have just pushed myself to go then this past Friday, I could have stayed and rested).
I cannot afford to lose this Job.
Financially nor mentally.
The UC Pain is so overwhelming, I cannot even lie down in comfort.
And yes, I’m Alone.
I was in hope this current Episode would subside some, so I could at least relax this Sunday morning and complete all my house chores instead of running to the bathroom or worse.
I don’t have much else to say.
The pain has stripped me and taken my energy away.
Eight Months Alone Has Really Taken Its Toll.
Loneliness is not a virtue.