Sunday afternoon tears, black from yesterday’s noir mascara. As I recollect last evening and my destiny interrupted by failure, souls, lost forever.
I had a Date *(it was planned about 5 Days in-advanced) with someone actually well known in the Publishing World *(He’s a Journalist and a CEO).
He chose the Date, Time, and Location.
After Wednesday’s fiasco, I was hesitant, more reluctant to go through with the Date.
Saturday came, I taught two Classes, *(Reminded it was my last week [again] of steady hours), ran an errand, and then tried to rest and contemplate what I would wear on said Date, wondering if the person who attacked me on Wednesday was sorry, and texting someone new from the Social Site (which is done now too).
So, I attend the Date.
I was late. Remember, driving is very difficult for me let alone eating.
He didn’t mind I was late, but he had already ordered an adult beverage and was munching on Chips and a variety of Salsas.
We talked. A lot.
I played it safe. I ordered Ceviche (only able to eat about 4 or 5 bites, but I did take it to go).
The Date came to an end within an hour since he had just returned from a Trip and had to drive 30 minutes back.
I asked the inevitable question,
So do you want to do this again?
I sat there, shocked, more electrocuted.
He said he has a Dating Rule. He let me read it *(Remember, he’s a Journalist)
He has to be “Interested.”
And he was not Interested in me even though he text me everyday (photographs, pieces of his Articles, and a Video Clip). I even got “Good Morning” texts.
I was beyond confused, and hurt.
So, I asked why?
His reply: I don’t have an answer just like I can’t explain why when I am interested. I just know.
Not good enough.
So, I asked if it was because I was late (No), Do I not look like my photos (No).
He had no response.
He then said to me if I was offended.
But, I have never had a Man tell me he’s not “Interested” like this. Ever.
Then he goes on to explain that a first date to him is like an Interview.
I was done.
I wasted my time, my Health, driving for this?
I was furious (and still hurt).
After running another errand, coming home to three piles of Cat Puke, and so much Cleaning and Laundry, I started reflecting on me.
What has happened to me?
I was aces in the Dating World. Even if the Relationship was casual or short-term.
As I stated before, it’s like a curse. A dark, violent cloud over and in me since I became Disabled. I can not retain any kind of Relationship. Either Abandoned, Death, Belongs To Someone Else, Or Psychopaths.
I guess I’m meant to remain alone.
I had a “date” three evenings ago.
It was with someone who I met on Sunday via the Social Site my Therapist recommended.
I already had one major strike-out, so I went into this with a different attitude and shift in my own perspective.
Our late night telephone conversations were connection, passionate, interesting.
We shared the same ideas on Politics, we like our Careers.
On Wednesday, he insisted he was coming over after I had finished Educating at 8:00p.m
I politely explained that I have had such a busy day (6 Classes), and Wednesdays are a Routine Night: Garbage/Recycle and Catbox.
This takes a lot out of me. *(My Disability and my Extensive Neck and Back Issues). **I did tell him about my Back, but thank GOODNESS I didn’t reveal my Disability.
He keeps on pushing me stating “We’ll see each other everyday anyway.”
So, he gets here.
R U D E.
1. You look tired. Your eye make-up is smeared.
2. Do you like my House?
It’s okay. You pay too much.
You don’t have black hair
*Takes out ponytail.
Oh, it’s getting brown on the top.
1.5 Hours Later,
Then things move into the darkest insane twilight zone.
He’s in my kitchen trying to make Basmati Rice in my Rice Cooker. It turned out soupy, then he just lays into me.
It was awful.
He was yelling at me about how the last few conversations I’ve been complaining about my life and Job *(I told him ONCE when he asked why I seemed “different’ on the telephone that particular evening).
He belittled me, attacking me.
Then it all became an interrogation of my life, pieces I shared with him.
He felt “he needed logic. Things just don’t make sense.”
This lasted another hour or so.
I was trying to reason with him, understand him.
This behavior made absolutely no sense.
Not ONE sign of this ‘person’ was expressed/exposed during our hours of conversations.
After his apology, and stating he would be back tomorrow (since he left his food he paid for, a week’s worth)
He left around 2:15a.m.
We never spoke again.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
I want to forget about yesterday.
My last Post Love Matchbox, well that bled over into last evening.
I was correct on my intuitions that there was a shift, but I was not prepared nor expecting an attack via text.
It left me even more drained, depleted from what’s currently happening in my world.
Then another individual from the same Site was very friendly. Asked for a Facebook request, and we remained ‘friends’ for a total of 4 minutes. *He removed himself.
I messaged him “Good Riddance” and removed him from my inbox on the Site.
What happened to people?
I should be more specific.
What happened to Men?
Before I Became Disabled, it seemed so easy to meet someone and just let things connect if it was meant to be.
Now, I’m like a universal pariah.
Things in my life, Gone. *(Incuding Friendships, Pets, My Will).
I don’t understand what happened.
As I lie here with Tachycardia, severe pain, stomach torture and a sinus headache, I feel like the outside is collapsing ontop of me.
Like, I’ll open my eyes, and I’ll be under all this rubble, bricks, walls, ceilings, and stones.
Earlier before I was verbally attacked *(as well as my character), I called my Mother, pleading with her that I have to come home.
Her response: Everyone has stress. I have stress everyday.
So, in the end, where will I be?
I’m a liability
Much for me
You’re a little much for me, no no no no
Whatcha gonna do?
All of the things that I offer you
And, and all of the shit that [I] harbour
Maybe the tears and the highs we breathe, oh no
Maybe all this is the party
But you’re not what you thought you were (Leave).” Lorde
I thought it happened.
I met someone on a suggested Social Media/Networking Platform.
The “Girl” has to message the “Guy” first.
Well, that was a turn-off instantly.
Guys take forever to respond, and I cannot stand games.
I’m up-front, honest, direct.
I don’t have the time or luxury for bullshit.
So, I message a few potetional gentlemen.
Nothing. *(They have 24 hours to respond).
Then, yesterday at 7:58a.m a Message!
One of my kind!
*Obvisiouly, I had to message him first.
We messaged each other on/off for most of the day. Then again until the late evening.
We eventually spoke on the real telephone! *(He had his young daughter, so I understood).
We spoke for 1 Hour and 19 minutes.
Everything was going smooth until the end.
Awkwardness and then he said he was half asleep (it was 11:24p.m), and didn’t want to fall asleep on me. He ended with “I’ll text you some time tomorrow.”
Not a good sign.
So, I woke up early and sent a GoodMorning Text with a little afterward.
He did respond, but it was not with the same enthusiasm from yesterday.
I am doomed forever to walk this planet alone.
I don’t get it, nor understand it.
If you are feeling someone why the shift?
I’m tired of it all.
“So long, I’ve been looking too hard, I’ve been waiting too long. Sometimes I don’t know what I will find. I only know if it’s a matter of time.“ Foreigner
“Well, it ought to be easy ought to be simple enough, yeah
Man meets woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And you’ve got to learn to live with what you can’t rise above
If you want to ride on down, down in through this tunnel of love.” Bruce Springsteen
It should be easy, simplistic to meet someone. Why does everything have to be fire and empty burns?
You see me. With all my passion and yearn for another like me is infinitely nowhere, void.
I’m not particularly feeling well.
I Taught my first Class of the Day, and I have a break before my last Class of the Day.
One more week *(again) of steady work, then recoil to 4 Hours A Week.
My body and mind cannot handle the stress of no Income right now. I will vanish completely.
But, this is about yesterday and last evening.
Yesterday, Dysautonomia was in over-drive, but I had a Second Interview outside.
The Interview went extremely well
My Body, a disaster.
It just was a sad reminder of my limitations.
If that wasn’t enough, I decided to run errands not one but TWO stores.
Driving almost killed me.
And to complete it all, I went on a Video Adventure, and got great still shots and a decent video.
*John F. Kennedy was at this specific location before he became President. **Many former U.S Presidents have found their way here. Abe Lincoln, the most frequent (when he was an Attorney).
I made it home, and so much to do that by the time I completed it all, I couldn’t walk.
I rested my bones and my mind and then chose to finish a Film I had started two nights back.
Sid and Nancy.
Now, as the Film buff and snob I am, I know this Film has become Cult Status.
But, I just HATE Punk Music! And, Sid Vicious. He was a vile, ignorant ass with no talent.
I know the Story, and as I’m finishing I’ll Scream Later by Marlee Matlin, she talked about working with Alex Cox who Directed Sid and Nancy.
That got my attention because Alex Cox was one of the Writers on Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. A FANTASTIC Film.
So, I viewed 38 minutes of it two evenings prior, and finished it last night.
Gary Oldman, incredible.
Chloe Webb, Perfect.
One of the most beautiful scenes in Cinematography is in Sid and Nancy.
It’s the scene when both of them are in the alley alone, garbage is dropping from the sky, and they are kissing, Nancy against the dumpster. The Score during that Scene is haunting. It’s titled “Taxi for Heaven” by Pray For Rain. *(Available on Spotify). **I was on the hunt for that track.
I rewound that particular Scene three times.
To really appreciate the Direction and Cinematography.
But, I was haunted.
That was my Best Friend and I.
My Best Friend who took his life almost 17 Months ago.
I never told anyone, but there’s more to our Story too.
I’ve been clean from all hard drugs since 2006 *(I had to go back on Chemotherapy again, so I just quit. No questions asked).
I never was a Junkie, but I was heading down a path I did not want for myself or my Health Issues. *My Drug was Cocaine. But, I tried Heroin twice. Both times were Nasal. The second time I got so sick, I couldn’t get out of bed for 4 days. It was a “bad batch.”
Now, my Best Friend, when we met February 2016, I had no idea he was a Heroin Addict.
I knew he messed around with Pills, but Heroin didn’t come up until his other Best Friend outed him in-front of me because she found a Needle in her truck.
He told me then, he Overdosed in March *(The original story was he had Pneumonia and was in the Hospital).
I saw him when he got out of the Hospital, and something didn’t seem right to me, but I didn’t ask.
He would go on to tell me the truth.
His Father found him unconscious in their garage. He had to have his stomach pumped.
They put him on a Drug that if he did Heroin, it would make him sick, cancel out the opiate effects.
I told him, “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth then?”
Him: “Right. I only knew you for a month. I didn’t know how you would react.”
From then on until his Death, I gave my all to keep away from the individuals who gave him the Heroin.
He was doing better.
Until my Job went off from Hiatus, and I was Educating 7 Days Week/up to almost 60 Hours A Week.
We only saw each other on our Sundays and a few times during the week.
He had changed.
It was difficult for me to connect to him.
I was so busy with my Career(miss those days) I couldn’t keep him safe.
And before I knew it, I was receiving a phone call with the News of his death.
So, that Scene, got to me. On many different levels.
My Best Friend and I were always together. I tried to keep him away from the Needle. We loved eachother.
The Scene right after this magnificence is dark, tragic reality.
I cannot believe it.
It seems impossible that seven months ago, I moved to my new place and moved on to what was supposed to be, a “New Chapter” of and in my life.
How the hourglass has cracked.
The first two Months were spectacular.
Educating, dedicated. Teaching still 7 Days a week. Late Nights on my enclosed Porch with my Cats. The Summer still rolling deep.
By early October, I had new (and quite frightening/alarming) Health Problems, my Best Friend(who urged me to move down here for support) was becoming a Shadow, and I was exhausted.
End of November, Work had stopped. My Friendship was cut, and I became isolated, in a place where I am literally alone.
Depression, My Cats, And Certain Films is all that I had.
Work started to progress late January, but once again after March 10, stop. *(It’s so difficult to be apart of a place, my Career for almost 22 Months now, Educating so steady, living, to this. Cycles of the unknown. No one can live like that. And, I’m Disabled).
So, on this gray Thursday, the First day of March *(The Month that I hate. Disability Month), I lie here with Tachycardia, fatigue, and doubt.
How will I make it?
I close my eyes and see myself as a child in my bedroom in the House of Horrors. I had a Lavender Unicorn Bedspread with matching Sheets and Pillow Case *(And Curtains).
I’m lying in my small bed (it was so tiny. It’s called a “Youth” bed).
I either have to get ready for School or get up and go into the livingroom. *(My Mother did not allow us to lie around or sleep late).
I am quiet but I can hear the consistency. Money.
The topic of the fights, arguments, intensified battles between my Mother and Father.
And from that age, I promised myself, I would one, leave that town, two, never fight/worry about financial crises.
And here I am, almost thirty years later, and the battle I wage alone. (And as the mirror plays the past, I too had the same daily issue with my Ex-Husband. *Not throughout our entire Marriage).
It was different for my Parents. Working-Class with two Children, Mortgage, two Cars *(One always broke down).
I’m Single. Highly Educated, “White Collar.” But, the factor, the defying difference, I’m Disabled.
I was supposed to be somebody great.
And I was. Until March 30, 2015.
So, I guess I just wake everyday with the pain from all my Medical Problems, Suffering Financially, and in constant sorrow.
It’s like the Track by Talking Heads, “Once In A Lifetime.”
“And you may ask yourself, “How do I work this?”
And you may ask yourself, “Where is that large automobile?”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife.”
Prism: “used figuratively with reference to the clarification or distortion afforded by a particular viewpoint.” Dictionary.
My Trash And Recycle Bins Are All Over The Neighborhood Due To A Rain/Wind Storm Last Evening.
I attended an Event last night *(I was over an hour late).
It was a Vegan Potluck.
And given my serious Financial Issues, I still made a Vegan Double Bean Chilli with almost all ingredients that were stored in my cupboard or makeshift pantry *(It was my late Grandfather’s porch cabinet, but I turned it into a Pantry when I moved here. Before, I used it as pet storage).
I did not enjoy myself at the Event.
I was uncomfortable due to having to drive, I was in pain from my Disability and what occurred earlier (Work related), and I just didn’t want to be there.
Instead, I wanted to be with my Cats, finish my Book, and watch a Film.
I Educate today. First Class was already a ‘No-Show.’
Laundry is going while I sip Decaf that’s at least 10 Months Old. *I don’t have any Coffee, nor much of anything else.
I’ve never ran out if Coffee in my entire life.
Even in College or Grad. School #1, I always had my go to Cappuccino *(It’s all I drank before I actually started drinking “real” coffee).
The change in the weather has made me under it, and my body hurts.
Why did I go last night?
Is it because I have not attended an Event since October 14, 2017?
But, mostly, I don’t have a steady income, which has left me in a deep sadness, I have current Health Problems happening *(I will be at the Hospital this up-coming Friday), and I’m alone.
I just heard my Tux puke 4 times.
All over my Home Office
*some must have been over-night.
Now, I have to enter a Classroom even more exhausted and irritated and I just want it to all end.
My head is pounding, dried tears of black mascara streak my face, stomach pains, shoulder, back, legs. Pain.
I have a break before my next two hours of Educating.
I’m too weak to go outside, Three sets of stairs to pick up garbage and heavy bins.
Instead, I’m washing the vomit filled cat bed, which then means I have to clean the Washing Machine, and I only have one packet left.
The Home Office Floor needs to be mopped *(so does the livingroom, kitchen, and bathroom). Vacuuming needs to be done as well as rest of laundry and dishes.
And I’m supposed to complete all of this Disabled without a steady income.
No on that is Disabled should be living like this.