Start here

Saturday Hourglass

Saturday Afternoon, Sedation.

My body is in so much pain, I feel like I’m lying on nails.

I began my new Job on Monday.

Everything is great with the exception of no Over-Time *(And, I’m spending more on gas due to the distance).

Driving.

Has collapsed me already, but I have no other choice.

Let’s start from the beginning:

I awoke, 7:25 sunrise, my body/mind like clock work never letting me rest past 8:00a.m.

I try for another two hours of dreams.

Was successful.

I then was in over-drive regarding

My Dysautonmia

Finances

I couldn’t make the Work Event Today I Signed up for *(Could have possibly made a little. It Was A Church Yard Sale).

Finances.

Alone.

I recalled last evening during my downward spiral, and how I finished watching Gia.

I still have no sympathy for the end, but the tragedy of certain components of her life is what draws me in *(The relationship she had with her Mother).

After the Film, I couldn’t find something to get in to, so I just went to bed. The latest hour since last Saturday.

I had my Afternoon Appt. with my Therapist *(Always via Telephone), and we had not spoken in over a Week.

Communication today was okay.

When my physical self is in destruction, My Mental self gets stuck.

I then decided to try another time for dreams.

Again, two hours of success. *(But, assistance from Medication an hour before my Session was the reason I could close my eyes).

My body needs it, even though I have a lot of house chores to do.

This makes me reflect back on certain eras of my life.

Saturday Morning were at its finest during my Undergrad. Years and First Grad. School Years *(Minus Chemotherapy year 2 in Graduate School #1).

Saturday Mornings consisted of waking up around 10:00a.m *(later if it was a “Happy Hour” Friday Night).

I cleaned my Dormroom top to bottom *(Laundry, Dusting, Vacuuming, Organizing, And Mopping. Swiffler was new then. The Mop Version.

Hang-Out with my Closest friends, then hitting the Rec. Center *(for one year, I worked out, 7 Days A Week. That was during my Relapse).

Then, relax, take a nap *(if needed) and figure out Saturday Night Plans.

Grad. School #1/Year 1, Saturday Mornings were Afternoons. It was a strange concept when routine as an Undergrad. was so rigorous and Classes were in the a.m or mid-afternoon *(I was one of the few in my groups/posses that took Evening Classes a few Semesters).

Graduate School, Classes were only on the p.m (with only one in the afternoon my First Semester because it was an Undergraduate Course, but I was told I would get Graduate Credit due to my extra Work and Portfolio. No, I did not. But, I received an A in the Class).

Saturday Morning-Afternoons were different depending on how hung-over I was, or how tired I was from Work *(Or if I had to go to Work on a Saturday), or what chores needed to be completed before I studied.

Yes, One Studies everyday in Grad. School *(Especially, we English Majors).

Funny thing, I drank more in Graduate School than as an Undergrad.

Pressure?

Yes.

Thesis?

100%.

*Year 2 would be different.

I was on Chemotherapy for the first 8 Months of Graduate School #1/Year Two.

Now, Sunset is approaching.

I ran one Errand, Vacuumed, and cleaned the Cat Box.

Dysautonomia kicking my ass.

I would like to end this Saturday, relaxing with my two Cats *(On my Enclosed Porch), without anxiety and running in my mind.

I am not sure what Film will be on the roster this evening, but I need something with light.

*Especially, after having to ask my Landlord for the first time, If I could pay Rent partially in July *(Two Payments).

I’m glad I did.

Too much stress creates complete chaos for Dysautonomia and my Depression.

Saturdays.

How I’ve grown accustomed to change and being Alone.

Six Days

I just spent an hour with my two Fursons on my Enclosed Porch.

Weather, Perfect

My Boys, Happy.

Me. I decided I needed a pick-me-up, so I brewed one Cup of Starbucks Creme Brulee K-Cup With Extra Water, Almond Vanilla Coffee Cream And 1 Teaspoon of Coolwhip.

Yes, very sweet *(Unusual for me. I don’t consume Sugar).

I needed space, time away from it all, everything, go be silent with all the pain and loss falling on me.

Now, I’m lying down under my comforter (that used to be so beautiful) and my eyes want to sleep.

I don’t know how, my heart is racing from the caffeine *(I never drink coffee after a certain time of the day due to my Tachycardia).

Three Days Later.

Monday

Ante Meridiem

I received the most atrocious, heinous, wretched, attack via email from my former Boss.

She sent this email out on Sunday, and it was forwarded to me on Monday at 8:37a of m.

I then spent the next Six Hours dealing with Legality.

My Monday was supposed to be filled with action. Me up and looking for the World again.

Instead, I’m shredded on a level I have never experienced.

It brought back all the sadness from losing that Job and how I had already moved on *(Getting a new Job, starting that Process) and emotionally, trying to remain positive and looking forward.

Yesterday, I had an extremely busy day, but I kept a conversation inside I had with a Close friend on Monday afternoon (2 Hours. First Hour Him. Second Hour Me. That’s how we usually catch-up).

He said something that almost haunted me, and when I woke this morning to the sun blazing, my stomach in knots, and tired, his words hit me

“I’m alone most of the time.”

He is Married to a wonderful Woman, but unfortunately my good friend is Disabled.

He does spend his days mostly alone.

And when I became Disabled 03302015, and after I settled back into what would be my new life, he and I talked for hours *(we knew eachother a few years prior).

After my old Job went away late November 2017, I was utterly alone.

I had little Work from January-February 2018/Online, yet still alone.

Then, I find a Job in this town.

I’m out of the house 40 Hours a Week.

Still alone. (With the exception of my two Cats. One Cat passing away).

But, just being in the World again (Until May 29) was a blessing in a disguise.

No, I did not be-friend anyone outside my Job, but I was Teaching and still had the components of interaction).

It’s been six long days and twilight since my Termination, and after receiving the email two days ago has ripped open all my pain, hurt, sadness, doubt all over again, pulling me further down that makes May 29 more worrisome *(May 29. I have only shared it with Four People. Should have been 3).

Now, it is late morning, my mind and body, tired. My routine has been off, so my insomnia and dreams are off as well.

Tachycardia, Legs, Chest, Eyes Closing.

When I looked at the red digital numbers on the stove, I thought to myself, I would already have almost completed my Work Day.

It’s like everytime I move forward, I can’t.

Example, Retirement Fund, Was Accepted Then Depleted In Three Weeks.

My Cat’s Ashes. I was sent the wrong Ashes. *(I had them for weeks).

Now, for the first time in Twelve years(in my Career as an Educator), I am Terminated from a Job. I try to move on, but then the email on Monday.

It’s torture.

And I’m tired.

I’m tired of struggling beyond max capacity these last 7 Months.

Six Days Later.

These last 6 Days have been sad but true.

I asked for help and the help never came.

It shows me how alone I truly am.

I return to the Workforce in two days.

I’m in hope my Body can manage.

That’s all I have to say.

Time Piece

9:39 ante meridiem

Rain.

Temperature decline.

I’ve been lying here awake since 7:25 a of m, putting the pieces together.

Literally.

Yesterday was such a bizarre twisted, hurtful day that led into an oblivious evening.

My Dysautonomia is on-fire *(nothing knew), and I’m still putting together the pieces from last night.

After my hurtful late afternoon ended, I listened to two sessions of Guided Meditation and after thought about what had occurred and I tried reaching out to my Mother via Message, but she was too busy with dinner/movie at my Parents house.

I had no outlet to express the awful I felt.

So, I tried to relax and I couldn’t. Not after being Let-Go just three days prior, and falling.

Then I remembered a Special on A&E was Airing that I really wanted to see.

So, I climbed out of bed and completed my night routine, and watched the Special.

I then decided to sit on my Enclosed Porch with my two Cats. I was falling asleep. The weather was perfect. I just wanted the wind to carry me away.

After I realized how tired I really was, I was headed to bed, but then anxiety came, knocking on my door.

So, I watched Mrs. Doubtfire. *(Almost all. I made it to the Dinner Scene).

I wanted to watch something that was light, happy.

I had to take a time-out, away from this piece.

I have lost everything, and I need help.

I had to take another time-out step away from this piece.

First, my telephone went off asking to take “Immediate Shelter” due to a Tornado.

I fell asleep later, waking to absolutely terrifying panic.

I was having an Anxiety Attack during a R.E.M Cycle, and it woke me.

My heart was racing, my stomach (still upset from yesterday), I was dizzy, and my sight was off balance, almost fuzzy.

Then I recognized why I was in the middle of this pain: I was Terminated.

In my Twelve Year Career, I’ve never been “Let-Go” from any Teaching Position.

Ever.

But, this “Teaching” Position was more of a Daycare, so I feel ashamed.

Ashamed that will all my Education and Teaching experience, Here, Abroad, an Online, I get Let-Go from a place like this?

But, my Termination was never about Job Performance. It was Hearsay. *(I read reviews about other Locations, and I am Not the only one.

Loss

Lost

Those are the emotions that I have felt since I was Let-Go, and the past 7 Months.

My eyes want to close again.

I don’t understand why I’m so tired.

No, I don’t sleep much, but I’ve battled with Insomnia since Childhood.

Now post meridiem.

Clouds, birds chirping, and a stillness both inside and out.

I thought I was going to make it.

I was so excited about our Summer Camp Program, Returning to our new Building, and waiting for what the future held for me at this Job.

Yes, my Dysautonomia was extremely affected by the Job and the hard work I did, but I was taking it a day at a time, hoping my Body would last, We (Me and my two Fursons) would be ok. And, eventually, I could repair my depleted Retirement Fund.

I’m trying my best to be Positive, that on Tuesday, I will receive a quick start Date, and yes the drive will be killer, but again,

One day at a time.

But, time has to be now.

Shades Of A Beginning From An Ending

I was Terminated from my Job on Thursday, June 7, 2018.

Reason Being:

Hearsay.

Not Poor Performance as a Teacher, Coming In Late, Not Following Curriculum, Taking Too Much Time Off

But,

Hearsay.

It was the same attack in early April she pulled, then that weekend messaged me to meet me for coffee so we can talk in a better fashion.

This time, she lied to my Face (as in April), but about an incident that occurred in April and that the Hearsay is continuing.

This is the Hearsay:

“Staff Members are complaining that you think you’re better than everyone, you complain about Hours, you say you are only in this Classroom, it’s either your way or no way.”

100% ABSOLUTELY FALSE. *It stems from jealousy among the other Teachers *(I have more experience, they are probably aware I made more money (which was not a lot), and I am dedicated to my Career and don’t participate in clicks, hurting people by discussing private issues/situations behind one’s back.) *That was the atmosphere there from the day I started.

First, in my Twelve Year Career, I’ve never been Terminated, and Personally AND Professionally do not speak like that.

I’m actually 100% the opposite. *(A quiet, Depressed Person, who checks everything at the door and is very Social and most importantly, a hard worker/Educator).

Obvisiouly, I’m devastated for many many reasons.

1. No truth to the matter

2. Loss of Job= Loss of Income

3. My last Paycheck comes in June 15. After that,

Nothing.

However, I had an Interview yesterday morning, which led me to returning this up-coming Tuesday to begin filling out Necessary Paper-Work and meeting the Pastor *(It’s a Private School. I’ve taught at a Private School before, So I’m comfortable).

But, the Job is 41 Miles away.

With my Dysautonomia, it’s impossible.

It was impossible doing the Job I was doing, on my Feet for 8 Hours Teaching Children, each day waking up at 5:00 I could feel it becoming a little more difficult. My body, so tired, beat-up. But, I kept going. Being the best Educator I could be.

Now, It’s the same type of Job, but driving farther.

What am I to do?

I have to.

I have no other option *(My Parents have made it clear, moving back to their house is more than an inconvenience, but a Burden).

So, I will return on Tuesday, and secure when I can start Teaching, so I can pay Rent for July.

If I die in the process, at least I tried.

*How much more can I take anyway after these last seven months.

There’s literally nothing left to take.

In Residential Pieces

Month 10.

I usually write in ante meridiem, but today my body is consumed with so much pain and my mind flooding with anxiety.

My Disability has been on fire for days now, and I cannot relax when it’s in this much overdrive.

I completed a few chores. The usual. Laundry and the Dishwasher is going.

And I wrote Week 2 Curriculum for my Work.

Then My body just gave out/in.

I tried calling my Mother for support, but the usual yelling and dismantling me was all I could get.

I tried to eat as well.

I’ll pay the price tomorrow morning.

post meridiem still daylight

My Meds. are sweeping in

Sleep to dream when nightmares are being.

You have no idea what it’s like to be disabled.
To wake up, and your life is gone.
You are never to return.
You look at old photographs and are haunted by what was
You are alone
Drowning in a sea of rage not just from the physical but from the emotional and spiritual pain people put you through
No matter what you’ll never be whole again.

Last Weekend

Last Weekend.

I made it to my Parents House after over 14 Months.

I awoke earlier than expected last Saturday morning, but it gave me time to calm things down. *(I began packing the night before, but I was filled with so much anxiety and exhaustion.

I scheduled a Taxi, and she was almost 30 minutes early *(she was sweet. Telling me not to rush, take my time. She must have felt my vibe).

I wanted to be at the Trainstation early, but I was too early.

Finally, Boarding Call and I was sitting in my seat on a packed downbound train, leaving this town for the first time since I re-located and on my way to visit my Family.

Time.

That was what I was thinking about on the Departure up North.

How, it had literally been over fourteen Months since I stepped foot in my Parent’s house.

The Train ride seemed slower than I remembered.

But, my stop *(second to last) Arrival to the New Platform *(It was under construction the last time I took that Train Service)

And to my serious surprise, both of my Parents were there.

They came toward me as I dragged my heavy suitcase, and my Mother embraced me *(telling me “Don’t forget your Dad.”) *I was not feeling well and in exhaustion overdrive, I didn’t realize I didn’t hug him.

The car ride home was usual. Arguing about directions etc, but after 35 minutes, I was walking into my Parents house as if I were a ghost.

It was still late morning *(My Train arrived at 11:19a.m).

So, we sat around the kitchen table, talking for awhile then both my Parents decided to take a nap.

I went into my old bedroom *(which is now filled with a lot of my Brother’s things) and I began looking for stuff I needed for Work.

Time.

I didn’t realize I spent a few hours sitting on the worn pale blue carpet, closet doors ajar, and me, on a mission searching for what I was looking for. *(I did and was stoked).

Then, it hit.

I began to get sick again.

So, I laid in my adolescent bed and tried to rest my bones, but I knew it was impossible.

One, I was freezing from what sickness had begun again

Two. My Compression Stockings were done.

I was feeling worse by the time company came *(A Family member I had not seen in a few years) and dinner for the Birthday Boy.

I had to pretend I was okay, and eat.

I did.

Slowly manage to eat 2.5 very small slices of Gluten Free Cheese Pizza.

The usual chain reaction occurred: Tachycardia, Stomach Ache, Dizziness.

But, I made sure to stay Hydrated *(I was drinking the mini Nestle Water Bottles as if I was alone in the desert.

Afterward,

We all gathered around the largest Flat-Screen t.v. ever and watched Game 7 Rockets vs Warriors *(I was rooting for Golden State).

Time.

It was after 9:30p.m and my Uncle had to leave and it was nice seeing him. I was trying to remember while we were visiting, when was the last time I saw him *(After the Birthday Boy Dinner, My Uncle and I sat around my Parent’s twenty-seven year old Dining Room Table, chatting, catching up. And I told him about Leo and when I spoke about how I received the wrong Ashes, I started to choke-up *(Not like me. My Uncle has never seen me cry).

We finished watching the Game, and I just felt so weak. Luckily, I came prepared with my Regular Meds and Antibiotics.

So, I took an Antibiotic and my other Meds and I stayed awake *(alone) until 12:23a.m.

I climbed the two short set of stair cases to a sleeping house and made my way to my old bedroom.

Of course, I awoke at 7:25a.m, but was able to manage about two more hours of R.E M.

Sunday morning, sitting with my Parents at their kitchen table as I drank my first cup of coffee in WEEKS.

I was jittery, but felt better from the evening before *(Minus the exhaustion and Compression Stockings).

My Parents and I just sat and enjoyed a hot Sunday morning *(My Mother busy with her Sunday Routine at the kitchen table) as my Father ate his Breakfast.

Time.

It was already after 11:00a.m and my Father and a few errands to run, so I joined him.

After errands were completed, we drove over to the House of Horrors.

It was unrecognizable from the last time I drove by with intentions.

We drove through the entire Neighborhood, including seeing my old Elementary School *(a lot of change too), my childhood Best-Friend’s home *(looked to be abandoned), My old Babysitter’s house, and other old homes of childhood friends whom either moved away then or later.

While my Father and I were on our “Road Trip,” we talked a lot.

I am my Father’s daughter.

We are so much a like in Character it’s unbelievable. I say this with a heavy heart due to the Violence growing up *(even as an Adult), no apologies, and the sexual abuse that occurred and I was left alone to defend myself *(No, my Father is not the induvidual(s) who committed those horrific acts of abuse. But, his Co-Worker’s Son was, and they remained Friends after I told my Parents who the individual was that tortured me when I was eight.

We ended our “Road Trip” at Starbucks *(picking up a surprise beverage for my Mother too) and headed back.

The rest of the day was spent just at the kitchen table, either talking to my Mother or Father.

Time.

I had forgotten that it was Sunday, and my Train was departing at 7:57a.m, which meant a wake up call at 5:00a.m.

Dinner plans had changed, and it was decided the real Birthday Dinner would be this Sunday.

So, once again, I accompanied my Father on the errands run, but this time the Conversation was serious.

As we were heading back, I told my Father my Secret. That I wanted to move*(another State), had a Job Interview, but now I can’t due to the fact my Retirement Fund is gone. *(Thank you to my Ex-Husband for letting my Truck Rot and me having to purchase an Engine and Radiator for $2,000).

I started to cry.

I have been holding it all in since my Retirement Fund was depleted, my Cat passing away, my old Job, and living the way I do now.

We sat in the Driveway as my Mother came flying out of the house asking What’s Wrong as if my Father and I had been fighting.

I told her I was talking, telling a secret.

I went inside, the two short set of stairs, and into my old room, closing the door behind me as I sat on my old bed and began to weep.

I sat there, alone letting it out, day old mascara flooding down, as my Mother entered and saw the black lines down my face.

She told me “This is not the time for this. And go wipe your face. You have black all over it.”

So, I did and joined everyone downstairs in the ancient Familyroom for the real Birthday Dinner *(while we watched a Film I had never seen: To Live and Die in L.A.).

I surprised everyone by purchasing the Birthday Boy Dinner. *(Finances are extremely difficult/crucial right now).

I ate again. This time, just French Fries *(from a place my Father wanted me to try) with a side of my own concoction of Mayonnaise and Salsa.

The Film was excellent as the company was, but in the back of me, anxiety was brewing.

I could not Schedule a Taxi in advance like I did for when I departed, I had to be awake at 5:00a.m, so much to do when I did return, and no Holiday Pay.

I ended up going to bed a little after 10:30p.m *(I was the last one awake again), and Monday morning was very difficult in regards to my Dysautonomia and Compression Stockings.

I returned to my Rented Home a little after 9:27a.m *(I was able to book a Taxi within 5 minutes, so that helped relieve some stress).

But, when entering the door way, and walking through as I pulled my even heavier suitcase, I felt a darkness I did not feel when I was visiting my Parents House. *(Sadness, yes).

My Mother wanted me to message her when I got in, and I told her what I felt and my anxiety level regarding everything I had to do that day.

She told me things, but did not respond to the darkness comment.

Even though it was a Holiday *(No Educating), I had so much to do, It did not feel like a Holiday.

But, I achieved everything I needed to accomplish, and I spent an hour on my enclosed screen porch with my two Cats. It was a nice time.

That’s how I describe Last Weekend.

I really had a nice time visiting with my Parents.

Time.

That seemed to be the theme of the visit.

How fast my stay was, My Parents getting older *(My Mother making a morbid comment. Talking about death as she has never before).

My own Time.

My Disability. *(And my other Health Problems).

My lack of Finances.

Leonardo’s Passing.

Reflecting on my life and how I feel I’m moving backwards instead of forward to my future.

But, in the end, I did enjoy my time after fourteen months.

And, I don’t want time to pass by like that again.

This Photograph is of a D Train I took when I was Living/Teaching in China.

He Loves Me Not

Sunday.

4:33 post meridiem.

Grueling Temperature. / 81°F

Wrecked from a two month Sinus Infection.

But, the news that shook me today was that my Ex-Husband is getting married (again) in a week.

We haven’t even been Divorced for an entire year, and he gets Engaged in April then will be married in a week. *(because they were together when we were still legally Married).

So, I wanted to share this post I began in January 2015.

To expose the coward, with ulterior motives, selfish, controlling, and deceitful Man he is.

Original Post:

January 2015

I was informed today that due to my extensive health problems, it is my fault for the Depression my husband is experiencing.
Not to the fact of empathy, but that he has to live alone in his new apartment.

image

*His reaction to the news when I told him I couldn’t work Full-Time any longer at my former Employer because I was too ill, and that I couldn’t send him any of my regained Unemployment Benefits to him.

image

*I began a new Job(returning to College Education), but my Health prohibited me from working.

image

*His response to my Health Problems and why I cannot continue to work.

In the eight years we have been married, he has never asked me once about my Health.
*In February 2010, my Parents had to beg him to take me to the Doctor then Hospital(for my eleventh and twelve Surgeries) and to buy me Gluten Free food (which I then had to cook myself).
In the eight years we have been married, I was an Army Wife for two of the three Deployments. I was left alone at Ft. Hood (no support from the FRG either). I never met his parents (his mother told me in 2006 she wanted Grandchildren and since I had a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy at the age of 23 what use am I). My Parents and Family were always there for him.
Alas, I never stopped supporting him even though it was killing me.

image

“I am living in hell from one day to the next. But there is nothing I can do to escape. I don’t know where I would go if I did. I feel utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prision. I entered of my own free will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.” Haruki Murakami