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Good Afternoon, Sunday.
I spoke to my Father for maybe a minute.
He is busy. Recovering too.
I spoke with my Mother for 70 minutes.
We did not speak yesterday, so it was a nice talk. *(Moments of sadness, but not with eachother).
My Mother is surprising my Father with a Father’s Day dinner later today. *(He doesn’t know the location, but will like the place).
I tried recalling memories of Father’s Day when I was a child.
I truly couldn’t.
I had to ask my Mother.
She really couldn’t remember either.
That made me sad.
*I do wish I could see my Father today. It’s been years, since we celebrated Father’s Day together.
This Weekend itself has been touched with bits of sadness.
Friday Night, I fell asleep, still in my Work clothes, but busted my ass getting a lot completed.
Awoke to a 6:23a.m call and just started moving from there:
By 8a.m, I decided I wanted to actually start my Saturday, so I finished watching Saving Private Ryan and The Godfather Part II.
By 1p.m, I was spent.
So, I went to bed.
I awoke 3 hours later from a deep slumber and awoke many times after, then awoke to Tornado Sirens at 10:25p.m.
After the calm, I tried to lay back down, but couldn’t.
I called him back and he told me he wanted to be alone due to what happened at his Job.
Plus, I wasn’t feeling the greatest.
*He and I have not seen eachother in two weeks.
That’s the longest since we’ve met.
But, I think it’s good right now.
I’m in a different, sad place and he has changed.
We do message eachother during the week.
Either early morning, on my Break, or before I head to sleep.
But, even our messages are different *(with the exception of this past Tuesday. He sent a Morning Message, how it used to be. I’ll be honest, it was nice).
So, after the calm, and being restless, I decided at 11:25p.m, I would finish reviewing The Godfather Part III.
Now, the Trilogy is complete.
I have not seen these Films back to back like this in probably over 15 years.
Then I began Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
About half way through, boredum and sadness, missing my Travels *(I’ve been to Spain. Barcelona and Castelldefels).
I began, Control.
About half way through the Film, I took a peek at the hour, 4a.m
I’m trying to stay up later since my Summer Schedule is different and assist with Sunday Anxiety.
I found dreams, only to awake at 8:50a.m
I did the Dishes, tidy up, and was hoping for a low-anxiety day.
My Eldest Cat vomited again, all over the kitchen.
I have to take him to the Vet.
*My Mother offered to pay.
And my stomach interrupted my conversation with my Mother for the second time *(First was Cat Puke and re-cleaning).
Now, I need to charge my phone so I can return the many missed calls to my Friend, and hopefuly have a good Sunday.
I feel so underappreciated and alone.
Yes, I am alone.
But, I feel it in my Soul.
It’s saddening to think I don’t have any friends here.
And every Weekend is the same *(except when he was in the picture).
I ask, when will I find someone that I can call a Friend, or when will I find a Person I am happy with and it sticks?
As Don Henley says “Time is ticking, ticking away.”
Good Morning, Sunday.
An early Sunday due to a wasted Saturday.
*(And I disagree with Time never being wasted. IT is).
Missed an Entire 8 Hour Work/Educate Day to my Disability and a Stomach thing.
My Serious Event went well.
I was so sick, I could barely walk, or enjoy the conversation with the person who was kind enough to drive me.
When I returned from my Serious Event on Friday, I took Rx at 4:00p.m.
That’s how sick I was.
I was in slumber for three hours, but then later, more dreams came.
I rose early due to Rx and having to get a lot completed since I didn’t do my usual Routine on Friday.
I ran to two Grocery Stores, Pharmacy, came back, unloaded, finished laundry, swept livingroom and then at 12:30 tackled the Cats room.
Was able to rest my bones at 1:30p.m., and listen to Pink Floyd.
I had my Session with my Specialist.
It went better than usual.
For the first time, my Specialist did most of the talking.
By 4:00p.m, I wanted to start my Saturday.
I watched The Godfather.
It had been five years since I reviewed it last.
My favorite Film of all time is, The Godfather II, but I wanted to start from the beginning.
Him and I sent texts on Saturday, but never made official plans.
After 8:00ish, I recalled calling him and he said he needed to do laundry.
I told him to bring it over, but he was already out.
By 10:30p.m he tells me “He’s too tired.”
Well see, during this past week, he drove someone for the second time to another town, not returning until 1:30a.m., but he’s too tired to maintain a Relationship that is crumbling?
We even discussed this past Tuesday, how the Relationship is going to be/continue the way it is because it’s not working.
He didn’t want to end it.
Instead, he stated “Let’s take it, a day at a time.”
I agreed to that.
I saw more effort after that by Him, meaning communication.
I gave my effort too
until last evening.
I’m just done.
If he truly wanted it to work, especially after we changed the day due to his schedule *(Yes, work related, but still changed it for him).
And he still plays these games?
I told him “I guess were never going to see eachother.” He replied “I’m really sorry.”
I replied with what I wrote above *(About being able to drive/help someone until 1:30a.m always making time for others)
And it’s over for me.
I told him I think he’s phony and that the sex was awful.
I do truly think he’s a phony when it comes to finances, which I’ve stated before *(I did not clarify why I said/thought/feel he is a phony when I said it last evening)
And I think he’s fraudulent when it comes to Relationships.
The first two weeks were pure golden.
And just kept crumbling from there.
His expectations were for me to be on his schedule(in-regards with time) never express how I feel, and just to have sex whenever he wanted.
All on-sided if you ask me or anyone else for that matter.
And, yes, I’m alone again.
But, I’m tired of him and it all.
Everyday is a waste of my energy to put into a Relationship that is clearly not working just because I’m alone?
I ended up finding slumber right after the messages (which he never replied), and woke to 1:00a.m.
I wanted to get-up, finish the last 18 minutes of the Film and just hang-out.
But, I was too tired, worn-down, spent.
I woke to sadness and my stomach in pains.
Sadness from how he continued to treat me even after our talk on Tuesday.
Sadness because I see now, he wants a Woman who is a doormat.
Sadness because I am alone once again.
And it’s beyond sadness
to be that
And I don’t want it anymore.
“To speak of these things and to try to understand their nature and, having understood it, to try slowly and humbly and constantly to express, to press out again, from the gross earth or what it brings forth, from sound and shape and colour which are the prison gates of our soul, an image of the beauty we have come to understand.” James Joyce
And it’s okay to cry.
Goodbyes are not happy, but more empty spaces returned.
Good Morning, Sunday.
It’s not morning, but it will be again.
Tomorrow, Summer Camp 2019 begins at my Work/Educate.
I created the
Curriculum and the Entire Summer Camp Lesson Plans.
Summer Camp 2019 runs for Eleven Weeks.
I am in anxiety about tomorrow.
I did not get a chance for a self-care day/hours today.
I wanted to begin
Summer Camp 2019 with my hair Dyed.
I haven’t had my hair Dyed in a Year.
I was just going to do it myself, but no.
My Disability is spent today, and I am sad.
So, instead, I swept the livingroom and kitchen, did the dishes, and got the half-broken Keurig ready for tomorrow.
The help I mentioned 6 days ago *(well originally, 2 weeks ago) came through this past Friday, so I will be okay for the next 1.5 weeks. *(I sold something due to my Check short 9 Hours in-regards to being sick (I no longer have Vacation Hours), and money owed to my Work).
So, I will be okay in that compartment.
Friday, is a very serious matter and I need it to go well.
So, this Week, I need to be Well and not have unnecessary sadness in my life.
He still did not call, and I messaged him to Please call me when you can.
He called 21 minutes after the message.
We spoke for 5 minutes. Almost 6.
He’s too busy to continue our Conversation from this morning regarding Us, this Relationship that is crumbling.
I just listened and asked how is Church Day went and his afternoon Appointment.
But, he’s too busy.
Mowing other peoples lawns and fixing his friend’s car for the millionth time.
I’m talking, he was just expecting to call me 6-7 hours later.
I’m in bed by 7:30p.m on Sundays.
He knows that.
So, after that phone call, I processed what my Specialist and I discussed today, Guided Meditation and tried to rest.
But, I can’t.
So, I completed my cleaning list and just waiting until I can take my Rx and head to dreams.
I did have an epiphany.
I realized, I am not happy not just due to his behavior/this Relationship failing, but I’m not happy because I’m not happy.
I live less than Paycheck-to-Paycheck, Losses, I have not done something nice for myself in a Year, and my Health. *(And getting extra things for my Cats. I purchases a new Laser for them last month. Before that, it was maybe February when I purchased more toys and a baby (stuffed-animal). I miss buying stuff like that for my Cats on a regular basis.
They are my Sons).
So, I’m harboring all this sadness and anger and I’m not happy with the continued disrespect from/by Him, so my sadness and anger manifested quickly into our Relationship when he began with the rude/mean comments and Time issue.
He stated, I was happy on Friday.
Yes, I wasn’t waiting around and being disrespected.
I got to just be me and with my music and my Cats. *(He was here for about a minute on Friday, dropping off the two week old help).
So, am I partially to blame?
Am I disrespectful to Him?
Now, I just have to distance myself from what lasting feelings I have for Him, so I can let him go.
Good Morning Sunday.
Why is another Weekend wasted?
Time is supposed to be precise and precious, remember?
These last four, going on #5 Weekends now, have been filled with tears and heartache *(which exacerbates my Disability).
‘Time is never wasted. You learn from the experience.”
I just had an Emergency Session with my Specialist.
That is what my Specialist stated ro me.
I don’t know if I agree with that statement.
I found an hour of slumber due to much needed Rx (Disability), and I ended up speaking with my Mother for 51 minutes.
I told her what happened last evening with Him and I, and what I felt, and other current/serious things occuring.
So, a 10 hour gap of zero communication yesterday, and I was just done.
He was supposed to come over yesterday afternoon *(after Work) and stay the night.
By 5:30p.m, I was just done.
So, I put on The Aviator a movie I have not viewed in sometime, and I was being nostalgic regarding early posts with a friend about my *(late) Grandfather.
7:15p.m still nothing.
I’m becoming enraged.
Answers like it’s no big deal.
He didn’t have the decency to let me know, he was working later for a Saturday.
I don’t get it.
How fucking difficult is it to take two minutes to let someone know about time, especially when this has become a MAJOR issue?
And, now we even changed the actual day when we see eachother due to only seeing eachother once a Week.
And this continues?
Then, arguing once again.
This fighting Chapter and his words that hurt continue for 6 weeks now.
I can’t do this anylonger.
Going back and forth, in-between.
And this is in all compartments in and of my life.
And, after he left this morning *(decided to wake me up at 7:20a.m after he decided he wanted to go Church again).
Once more, everything on his terms/time.
I was so close, to telling him
It’s over at my door
But, I didn’t want that stress and sadness today.
So, I called him and we spoke.
I told him
No, I am not happy.
He stated “It sounds like you’re trying to end this.”
No, not over the telephone *(I’m saying this inside).
But, he is now aware that I am not happy.
And he stated we would talk more about it later.
That was five hours ago.
I know he has an Appointment now, but I was hoping if he took everything serious as he seemed to, he would have made the effort to call after he returned from Church.
So, once again, this shows me
It doesn’t matter.
And I don’t deserve this from him.
And, now I have to erase myself from him until I see him face to face and tell him
It is over.
We don’t work together.
And, it’s not on me.
I have bent over backwards, forward, taking all of his serious past, and yes he helped me twice with fixing the Door and the following Sunday stuff around my place.
But, that does not warrant this behavior.
And, I have to be honest how I feel.
Is it worth it?
And, yes, I am sad, but I am tired of crying every Weekend.
So, it has to end.
I want to be his Friend, not a Relationship.
I think we would be better if we were just Friends, but I know he will have no part of that decision/choice.
I have not posted this Album cover in some time.
I think it represents Him and I.
Two people that are similar, but approach life very different.
Fighting fire with fire.
A vicious cycle that only destroys the Relationship by feelings of resentment and hate have become what was love and respect.
Disability is still in crisis mode.
I spoke with him twice.
He is concerned about it all. *(He has some Health issues as well).
And, he is trying to complete the help that was supposed to occur this past Friday.
One, I really need it, and I hope it works.
Two, he is trying to help with something I need.
The second time we spoke, I told him that I missed the time we had yesterday, when we were outside my place, talking, joking, listening to music, and just being together.
I’m glad I told him.
It’s the truth.
Even though I am
in-between how I feel overall, I was happy during those moments yesterday.
And it has been awhile I have been happy with him like that *(with the exception of last Saturday when we had the car picnic).
But, the lack of happiness and the change I have seen in him, has pushed me away, and I’m still here and I don’t know why.
All of the above.
I don’t get butterflies when I open the door.
I don’t get sad when he leaves.
And the 3 Dates we had, two he became mean.
But, in-between, he came over to fix my Screen Door, then the following Sunday, to assist with stuff around my place.
*That Sunday he fixed the Door was Easter. And I surprised him with Dinner.
He was not expecting it, and he was so happy. *(Like me, he does not eat often. For him, he says it’s financial, and his Landlord has provided boxes of Food for him).
He is under weight for his height, and his Job is physically demanding, so that takes it into account as well.
As I stated before, I truly feel he has been dishonest about money. And, I’ve recently seen proof.
That adds on to my sadness regarding Us and how I feel.
Now, my Disability.
Today is hell, and I was hoping I could have a day of rest with a little tidying-up.
I am going to try to rest and then later hopefully quickly mop and then prepare for an early evening.
What a Vacation Day.
Tears, pain, and feelings.
Things I am somber about.
And don’t want to be.
What’s on the Record Player?
10cc: I’m Not In Love off of the Album, The Original Soundtrack, 1974.
Yes, repeat from Saturday’s Play List.
I listened to it 4 times.
It gives me visions of who I am and why I can’t do Relationships like everyone else.
But, I am trying.
Sadness. My Disability is in really bad shape this a.m.
I awoke to dreams, my Cats, pain, and memories of yesterday.
So, return to Saturday.
I did have a rest day until I couldn’t take anymore of not resting. *(I wanted to sleep the entire afternoon or day, but only a few hours here and there with sporadic moments of actual tiredness).
I had to get up to clean Cat Puke and open the door so the cats can get to their litterbox. *(The door was put up in January due to the Cold and my Heating Bill skyrocketing beyond what I could manage).
So yesterday, was supposed to be my Day.
A first Sunday in 4 months without Anxiety.
I spoke with my Mother for 1 Hour and 5 Minutes. The conversation was difficult at moments due to my Health, but the conversation was good. *(We didn’t have our usual Saturday Talk, and she told me she figured I wasn’t well).
The talk time with my Mother gave me a boost to begin My day.
And he was supposed to be here at Noon.
Two hours later, he is still not here, and my time is being wasted and his help has still not occurred/arrived.
His last few texts were nasty, and I wasn’t going to stand for it.
So, I called him *(It’s 2:08p.m by then), and wanted to know why he said the things he did and what is going on.
We spoke/talked for 4 minutes and 51 seconds and nine minutes later, he messages me he is on his way.
I was unsure then, but I needed to see him face to face and see what is happening between Us, and why he got nasty with me.
He arrived, and I was watching The Dirt, and he said The Dirt again? With a funny tone.
I replied Yes. It’s the music. He said, then why don’t you just listen to music?
Again, with the same tone.
We finished watching the movie together, talking over and in-between it.
I didn’t mind.
I thought, we had all night.
At 8:00p.m, he tells me he has to go.
I thought he was spending the night.
He did not.
I was livid.
6 hours that could have solo been mine, and then I try my best and now this *(again).
I walk him outside thinking to myself, this isn’t going to last, and before he departed, I asked if he could help with something *(I don’t have the right tools).
He did, and it turned into a 3 hour project *(He removed a bunch of stuff), and we stood out in the humid dark, talking and I started to cry.
It was too much.
*(The stuff he was working on).
I have not 100% Processed it all, and I became so overwhelmed and angry, I just started to cry.
Not epic tears, but enough where I was vulnerable enough to let it out in-front of him.
After he retrieved everything and put his tools away, we went back upstairs for another 50 minutes. *(I believe that’s the accurate amount of time).
I walked him back downstairs, and we talked for a few minutes at my front door, and he left.
I thought, I was going to remain up, and watch a movie, but I was overcome with slumber.
Only to wake to scary pain and sadness.
I recall, the best moments of yesterday were with him and I outside around 6p.m, listening to music and just being. Talking.
Like we used to.
It was nice.
I missed that about him.
But, it’s like he changed this last 4 weeks into someone I don’t recognize, even though we’ve only been together a short-time.
We haven’t even been on a Date in 24 Days.
Yes, we only see eachother on the Weekends, but it’s like his passion is gone for trying to be together.
Instead, just doing the basics of it all, and losing communication.
So, we talked about switching our time together.
Instead of Friday Nights, we are going to make it Saturday Nights. *(He Works on Saturdays, but with the last two disappointing Fridays, it’s better this way).
Unless, I change and end it.
Which, sadly, I foresee occurring.
It’s the lack of communication from him, commitment to what is planned, time, and money. Something I think he’s lying about.
I truly feel he has been dishonest with me in-regards to his finances due to the fact he doesn’t want us to go anywhere *(Our first two Dates were expensive. $100.00 then $80.00). But, I bought dinner too. Multiple times.
And he hasn’t fixed the Necklace he bought me, and that’s a sign in itself.
So, I feel like I’m back to square one with Him.
And, I’m tired of this dance.
I’m constantly in-between feelings and emotions for him, about him, Us, and myself.
inconsistency that is killing it.
And I’m the type of heart that needs communication and consistency for it to work.
No, noone is perfect. I get that.
But, my expectations now are different, and I have that right.
My life is chaos:
Disability, Health, Finances, Serious Struggles, Family, and my Secret.
And within that storm, a constant open door of communication is needed.
Now, once again, I’ve returned to “I don’t know how I feel about Him.”
And I believe, if we saw eachother more frequently, and communication didn’t change, we would be building something together, not apart.
Now, today is another day of rest.
Return to Work/Educate tomorrow and it is my last day of Split-Shift for the School Year.
So, one more day of a very difficult Schedule, and I am truly wishing that this up-coming Weekend works out between Us.
Actually, I need these next 5 Weeks to Work-Out.
And then it all goes from there.
I wish I could see things, fix things, change things.
But, I know I can’t and that is an ultimate flaw I have/carry.
There have been more days in this month then the whole year that I have experienced break-downs *(alone) and I know alot of it is unprocessed feelings, experiences, and pain.
But, I am trying with what *(My Specialist is unreliable) I have and I know I need more.
I am in-hope I will get there.
Good Morning Saturday.
So, this rest thing is not panning out the way I had planned.
I was in dreams for maybe 1.5 hours, only to wake to time disappointment and my youngest Cat clinging onto me.
I guess it will have to be.
But, I am stoked.
A Series on Amazon Prime released a second season after a 3 Year Hiatus.
The Series: Fleabag.
I hate using this term ‘Binge Watch / Binge Watching,’ but back in 2016, I Binged Watched Season 1 (Only 6 Episodes as is the New Season).
It’s a British Dark Comedy.
The Writing is fantastic as is the acting by the lead players: Phoebe Waller-Bridge (Lead Role).
So, looks like I have to quickly finish Dead To Me *(I tbought I would enjoy this series, but at times it’s over-done).
Then off to Fleabag.
I recall watching it from my bedroom 3 years ago, really finding myself in the Lead Character.
So, hopefully, this new Season is not a let-down.
Completed watching NYPD Blue S4E10 and started S4E11.
I warmed-up a Breakfast Tray by Smart Ones.
I was actually hungry even though I ate yesterday.
The Breakfast Tray is:
Eggs, Cheese, Bacon *(gross) and the other side of the tray is Potatoes.
I used Original Doritos as my eating utensil.
I can already feel Gastroparesis at work:
Low Blood Sugar
The Breakfast Tray is small, and I didn’t finish the Potatoes.
Lately, I have been craving eggs.
So, that’s why the purchase. *(I bought two. Ate the other one beginning of the Week).
My eyes are heavy *(Meds and Gastroparesis), and maybe just simple as spent.
I am going to try to give this Rest Day another try.
Hopefully, dreams will come and I can enjoy tomorrow as I planned.
All I hear is my Cats and the Central Air I cannot afford. *(The Dryer is running too).
I have not attached the second photo in quite some time.
Very accurate to my melancholy filled Insomnia and Secret.
But, the show must go on.