Good Afternoon, Sunday.
I’m in bed, sick.
It started yesterday around 1:00p.m.
I thought, either the erratic weather change or the 4 Marlboros I smoked on Friday. *(I know, I know. tsk tsk).
I had a 44 minute Session with my Specialist *(The Sessions are supposed to be 50-60 minutes).
It went okay.
I did learn things about myself after my Specialist had to end the Session abruptly to take a Call.
We spoke yesterday for about 2 hours. *(Or less).
I decided I didn’t want to be alone even though I was coming down with something.
Our Talk is what made me make my choice/decision to see him last evening.
The conversation needed to be had, and it was.
He arrived at 7:50p.m on the dot.
I had already been letting tears go from earlier emotions, so I could have my heart clear and really be there.
He was too.
We watched Terminator 2 Judgement Day, and with him and I with very little money, I ordered *(and paid for) a cheap Dinner.
I did not.
I wasn’t hungry.
After dinner, we sat and talked more.
The original Saturday Night Plan was just a movie and maybe food, then I head to bed due to not feeling so hot.
Instead, we watched 80’s Videos and things became intense.
Things were said that needed to be said and heard.
*I did not tell him about the necklace, but I retrieved it from the garbage bin and put it in the box in came in.
We continued to talk until we fell asleep.
I woke up at 7:45a.m for some reason believing it was 8:45a.m.
He departed after putting the futon together for me.
After he left, I went to bed, hoping dreams and that I made the right choices and decisions regarding last evening.
I awoke shortly later, feeling worse.
I even vomited in my bathroom sink *(From the Sinus Drainage).
And Sinus City.
I took all my needed Medication then an Rx to help with my Disability and then at 11:45a.m, I couldn’t take it, so I found my Prescription from March and re-started a Dose. *(Luckily, the bottle is mostly full).
I did call my Mother before for
We spoke for 1 Hour and 8 Minutes.
It was a nice talk (even feeling sicker as the morning went on).
Him and I exchanged morning messages.
Me, how I’m feeling worse than yesterday, but I did enjoy our time together *(He said it first. The ‘time’ part).
His Sunday is occupied with guy stuff and working on his car.
Sunday’s for him is his day to unwind.
Like how Saturday Evenings are for me.
That’s why it was difficult at first to make the choice/decision to have him come over.
But, I truly did not want to sit alone last evening.
I wanted to talk.
I felt so disconnected from him, and that it was all slipping away, and I wanted to know why.
And to see, if I still had my heart in it.
Not just filling a void *(like before).
My Heart is still in it, but I am wary regarding things between us.
I have to see a change on his part as I have to release and trust.
This will take a lot of work and dedication for me to trust again, 100%.
Obviously, I trust him with what I have shared and my time with him, but there’s more to it all.
I really do need to see the change him and I spoke about yesterday on the telephone *(before his arrival).
I am hoping him and I can become more then just what we are now, if it is meant to be.
He is my only Friend here *(and he lives in another town, but close enough to maintain our relationship).
And, I don’t want that to be the deciding factor why I remain in this Relationship.
We met late March, and he asked me to ‘Be his girl” April 18, and our first Date was the following day *(Friday evening)
When he shocked me with the Necklace.
His feelings are fast and very intense for the amount of time we’ve been together.
But, he explained why on April 18, and I truthfully understand.
I just have to learn, re-program myself to Trust.
I attached the first picture because it reminds me of Him and I and how our lives mirror eachother with different circumstances, but the same feelings.
The second, I feel that it represents us.
No, we are not Heroin Junkies, but we both have been through hell in past Relationships.
And, maybe, this time, can be different for both of us.
Me, I do not feel as intensely as he does *(No, he is unaware of this), but I do have feelings inside for him.
It’s time and change that will either give me more heart or to let-go.
Now, I just need whatever this is to go away, so I can have a good Sunday without too much Anxiety and be ready for my Work Week.
*I am quite sad currently. In regards to the Major Event from last Tuesday and other personal things.
I’m trying my best to keep it all inside and be who I’m supposed to be.
Emotionally, I’m still trying to figure that out.
But, I am trying.