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Monthly Archives: March 2019

Les Yeux Sans Visage

Good Morning, Sunday.

I want to start the a.m of with:

“I’m all out of hope.
One more bad break
Could bring a fall.

When I’m far from home
Don’t call me on the phone
To tell me you’re alone.

It’s easy to deceive.
It’s easy to tease,
But hard to get release.

Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Got no human grace
Your eyes without a face.

I spend so much time
Believing all the lies
To keep the dream alive.

Now it makes me sad,
It makes me mad at truth
For loving what was you.

Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Got no human grace,
Your eyes without a face.

[…]

Now I close my eyes,
And I wonder why
I don’t despise.

Now all I can do
Is love what was once
So alive and new,

But it’s gone from your eyes.
I’d better realise.

Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.” Eyes Without A Face Billy Idol

This has truly been my Weekend.

First, Friday:

Worked from 9-3 due to the Flood.

Ran multiple errands and felt like shit.

I found myself sitting on the back of my Truck *(something I have not done since I re-located here) weather permitted me to as my enotions.

I was sitting there and talking to my good friend via Telephone.

I didn’t realize that time had passed me, and I forgot to cancel/reschedule my Date.

Before I knew it, I’m getting a message (“I’m here. It’s 7p.m).

SHIT.

I’m still in my Work Outfit, and not wanting to move from my seat.

I try to get out of it *(The Date) and he proceeds to become EXTREMELY Aggressive to the point of a freak-out.

The only reason I drove to The Date was ONE horrific comment he said to me regarding my *(late) Son.

When I got out and started walking to his car, he began to apologize for about 45 minutes.

I decided to stick around.

Why?

Free time.

I just wanted to be comfortably numb.

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings. *(An Establishment I have not visited in 15 years).

We sat across from eachother, talking.

Real talk.

We ended up back at his house.

Listening to Music *(We both enjoy the 80’s Radio).

I opened my eyes, thinking I was comfortable, warm in my bed.

No.

I left

Returning to my place at 8:30a.m.

I messaged him, letting him know I made it home and thanking him for the Date.

No reply.

So, I’m already over it.

Saturday:

I maybe got two extra hours of slumber, feeling exhausted and sick.

I just wanted to dream.

But, my Saturday Routine, Cats and Necessary Phone Calls took place of my dreams.

I decided to have my Friend over who I have not seen in over a Month.

He arrived a little after 7, and stayed until 11:p.m

Something I was not expecting.

But, during that time, my Date called and left a Voicemail and stating why he didn’t reply.

I wanted to call him back right then and there, but couldn’t due to my Company.

So, I message him right after my Friend left and this morning, no reply(ies).

I don’t get it.

I don’t want games, guessing games, empty spaces of time.

Now, I awake to cold weather, under the weather, and knowing I have my Sunday Routine to complete and Anxiety to battle.

And as for the no reply(ies) this a.m, I’m leaving it alone.

I didn’t like how excited I became when I listened to his voicemail.

Yes, I do want

Companion(ship), but not feelings

That’s why I cut to this song.

The Video is Magnificent.

I’ve just recently stumbled upon it, and It’s on my top Playlist now *(80’s).

It’s at

0:56 of the Video that’s so painful it’s beautiful.

Billy Idol opens with these great lyrics as his face enters a close up, and he painfully smiles.

It is so present that it was difficult for him to shoot that scene.

One, it’s not a smile of joy, happiness.

Two, Idol smiling?

It goes right into the French Lyrics as he vanishes into the next scene.

The Lyrics alone are enough, but with the imagery and Idol’s pain, it completes the experience.

And that is how I feel regarding this weekend.

Too much of myself out there

Not enough of what I want.

Now, I’m fighting myself, wondering what it is I truly want.

The expectations have changed over the years as I.

And I have to face that, understand,

I am different and that has changed everything in my existence. *(My Disability. Yesterday, was my 4th Anniversary).

As Idol states:

“I’d better realise.”

“It’s gone from your eyes”

I see it since 2015.

It hurts.

Photographs of myself after 03302015

And I don’t know how to get it back, or if it ever will come back, the light of promise of feelings.

Out Of The Blue

Good Morning Sunday.

In-bed with some out-of-the-blue Stomach bug and thinking why is it so damn difficult to meet someone.

I heard from my Date last evening.

He stated:

You are too much drama but are a good person. After thinking about it, I don’t think we would get along. So, you now can have peace.

Laughing My Fucking Ass Off.

Really?

No.

He didn’t get his

One-Night Stand.

And I KNEW it was a mistake to have him over.

Every piece of me was rejecting the idea of having him over.

Why did I?

To tell the absolute truth?

I don’t know.

I’m in a space so deep with my new Disgnosis, the Unknown of it, and my Current Life, I’m not 100% into “Dating” right now.

Company?

Sure.

Relationships?

Maybe.

What he wanted?

Absolutely not.

So, I feel there is something wrong with me.

I spoke with my Mother this morning for forty-four minutes, and told her what occurred and what I think, feel in regards to myself.

She listened and tried to understand.

We did talk about our Visit and the nice hours we had *(This was the longest Visit with both my Parents together since I moved here. Six Hours to be exact).

I could tell my Mother had things to do, and she wanted me to rest.

My Stomach is awful and I needed today to go peaceful as it could have.

Why?

The One Year Anniversary of my late Cat’s passing,

Next Saturday,

4 Year Anniversary of 03302015

And alot of stress/pressure in my life.

I still have so much to do today, but with my abdomen the way it is, I’m in-bed.

And, I don’t know why/where this came from.

Out-of-the-blue.

Like my life.

I will try to dream if my body will let me.

And maybe I can find an answer to why I cannot meet someone.

It’s heartbreaking.

And I mean in a painful way, not sadness like it will all heal.

No.

Heartbreaking as if I don’t have a Person out there.

The Good And Empty Hours

Good Morning, Sunday.

Sick.

My stomach is playing war games.

I don’t know what is going on.

I went to slumber fine, but then an hour ago…

I haven’t been able to lie down in 35 minutes.

I don’t understand.

And I have to go again.

I know, TMI, but this is crazy.

Fifty-two minutes now.

I think the war is done.

But, I don’t feel right.

So, this Weekend?

Friday night, I spent cleaning.

I did watch Coyote Ugly after my big Clean,and called it good evening around 11:30p.m.

My Family made it down on Saturday.

1:49 to be exact.

They usually call to notify me they’re here, but I heard a car, and looked out my double kitchen window and I saw my Father’s new Car.

I met them down by the front-door and I was excited.

I was feeling lousy *(not like now), but I managed to pull an outfit and Make-Up together. *(The Outfit, a Blouse and Blazer I have not donned in five years).

My first Surprise didn’t work out *(I wanted to take them to my Work/Educate).

Second, was a pit-stop at Starbucks then I took them to my Storage Facility.

Why?

Friday marked the Year Anniversary of my late Cat’s passing. His stuff is in Storage.

My Parents had no idea why we were there until I opened my *(late) Grandfather’s white Cabinet and pulled out his things.

I started to cry.

I had not touched his things in a year.

My Mother and Father appreciated me taking them there so they could see his stuff and say “Hi.” And that he was a good boy.

After the quick/little Memorial, I had to pick-up Groceries and stop at my other Grocery Store to retrieve what was out-of-stock.

We spent awhile in there, and kindly my Father told my Mother it was okay to “Take care of mine.”

*My Father has been angry again from what my Mother stated last Weekend regarding money. And wanting to down-size soon, but feels like he can’t. **He also has been ill for three weeks and finally went and got Medication. ***He seemed better yesterday.

Then, we returned to my place.

My Father wanted to watch Bohemian Rhapsody *(He had never seen it). My Mother viewed it with me back in February, and I’ve re-viewed it maybe six times.

Here we go again.

The Stomach Games.

My body physically can’t take anymore.

I feel like I’m being drained of my entire body.

And I don’t know why.

So, return to my Family’s Visit.

As we watched Bohemian Rhapsody I cooked Gluten Free Chicken Strips and purchased Loaded Baked Potato Salad and left-over Salad from Monday evening *(From a Restaurant).

When the Food was ready, my Parents loved everything.

It made me happy.

It also made me sad.

Those hours took me to a place *(2012-2013) when my Parents came over sometimes every other Weekend for Homemade Dinner and a Movie.

We finished the Film, and my Father helped carry down garbage and then my Parents left.

Before they left, I hugged both of them and I cried *(due to my new Diagnosis of PAH), and I watched them drive off from my stairs to the front-porch.

*While we were watching the Film, I cried.

When the song “Who Wants To Live Forever” began to play, I couldn’t.

I had to let it out, go.

I told my Parents how I felt about my new Diagnosis, my upcoming Test and all of it.

After my Parents departure, I had a Date.

He arrived at 8:29p.m.

And he departed in two hours after his arrival.

Why?

He came over already exhausted and wanted to sleep.

I explained to him via text that I wanted to watch a Movie and that is all.

He was putting his feet on me and lying on my couch like we’ve been dating for six months.

I was furious.

I didn’t even want him to come over after my Mother and Father left.

I was exhausted.

And, I knew I shouldn’t have.

Now, he’s being silent and rude.

He didn’t get what he wanted.

After he departed, I didn’t want to sit.

I wanted out.

So, I spent two hours at a Bar I went to on New Year’s Eve.

Came home and not sure the hour I went to slumber.

But, now I’m sick as a dog and I don’t know where it came from.

I have so much to do today, and I’m stuck.

My stomach hurts and I’m tied to the bathroom.

I’m going to drink some over-the-counter Med and try to find rest so I can finish my very busy Sunday.

I’m in hope.

This photograph is exactly/reflects how I feel about PAH, my Date last evening, and my current position in my life.

I did have a nice time with my Family.

Even though it brought recalls of melancholy, I still enjoyed my time.

I truly missed them yesterday, and I felt honestly, they truly missed me.

Crystal Ball Persuasion

Good Evening Wednesday.

As I lie here, tear stained ugly face, I am in so much anxiety I just want it to end.

Today, was supposed to be a day of Peace.

No.

I couldn’t rest, receiving messages that upset me, and then a Letter of Denial for my Job as a,Childcare Provider *(Stating, I didn’t have Fingerprints. That’s a joke).

So, with all of the stress tomorrow: Waking at 4:20a.m,

Returning back to Work/Educate, Split/Shift,

My Doc Appointment right after, then dealing with that

Then Errands and then Phone Calls to the Childcare Provider People.

So, to get out of it, I want to go back.

Go back to 1995.

Amazon Prime finally re-released NYPD Blue, ALL 12 Seasons.

I haven’t watched this epic Television Series in 10 Years.

So, when I found out over the Weekend, AP had the Series, stoked was an understatement.

I began with Season 2.

David Caruso (Dect. John Kelly) still apart of the Series for the first 4 Episodes of Season 2.

I was right back in time.

Season 2 was released my Sophomore year of Highschool.

So, I watched the Series Live *(After I turned 13. My Mother caught me watching it, and said “No.” *(Due to Nudity).

But, after, NYPD Blue became a weekly routine in my household.

See, My Mother and I are New Yorkers.

Yes, Transplants *(What Native New Yorkers say), but not all of us.

My Mother, lived in Manhattan and I Brooklyn.

*(I had Family in: Manhattan, Brooklyn, and the Bronx since the 1920’s).

Immigrants who left and returned multiple times to New York from the Motherland(s).

So, return to NYPD Blue.

I remember the Intro.

It was Produced by Mike Post, a huge name in Television for Music.

The Producers, Steven Bochco and Greg Hoblit specifically hired Mike Post and told him what he wanted for the Intro “Drums.” Bochco and “Subways.” Hoblit.

“And Post took care of the rest.” Hartford Courant August 5, 1994.

The Intro is magnificent.

It captures everything New York in that era.

From Music, Composing, Actors/Actress Line Up to the End Credits, it’s brilliant.

It brings so much nostalgia for me now, it hurts in a way.

One, it brings back my Youth. I was 15. Such a different person, a time I would travel back to, revisit, live.

Two, New York.

I miss New York.0

I miss Brooklyn and the time I lived there.

There is something so alive about that Intro it pumps you up, gets you ready for an excellent show/episode.

For me, now, time ticking away as I lie here thinking of my new Diagnosis, my life, the misery I feel and live.

How I want to jump through my Device and return to 1995 and re-live and re-do most of it all.

But, I can’t. All I have is menories now.

And what ugly future I have to look forward to.

Reflection of what was and wish fulfillment of rewinding the hands of time.

Crystal Blue Persuasion. A track by Tommy James and The Shondells. I felt Crystal Ball fit due to my war with Time and my current existence that is my life.

Medical Blues

Good Morning Wednesday.

Yes.

I am in, under since Tuesday.

I received horrible news and I collapsed.

Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension.

Now, I need an Echocardiogram to determine the significance of the damage done.

When hearing the news, Monday a.m, I was on my Split/Shift Break, and I had no time to process it. I had to get all the Medical Information sent up North and then I had to run a quick errand, and tidy-up the house.

By 4:15p.m, I was playing phone-tag *(with Permission), and trying to find out what is the next-step.

Then as I closed my Classroom, the Collapse.

I truly felt it.

I had bot felt this in 6 Months and before that, years.

So, the original plan was just 24 Hours to myself.

Well, that didn’t occur.

I was up at 5:30a.m

Doing laundry *(my own and what one of the Cats did)

Cleaning Cat Puke *(again)

And up and down for the next almost 5 hours. *With Phone-Calls in-between.

I couldn’t even rest, let alone process my News, and by 1:30p.m, I was at my breaking-point.

So, I took today off.

I did not want to.

Truly.

I am in-between what I want to do.

It saddens me.

I feel like such a failure for not being able to keep in inside like I always do.

Always.

Time is slipping away and I cannot control what I used to be able to i.e my Feelings.

Get bad or tragic news, be the Soldier Girl I am and keep going. No matter the pain.

But, something cracked, shifted on Monday.

I was not the same girl, person.

And, I am not now.

I don’t know what/why this happened

Maybe being alone again or maybe these last 4 Months

Or maybe it was blooming since March 2015.

But, I need a way out.

I need to be that Soldier Girl once more.

I cannot break.

What the future holds for me, is unknown until more Results.

Yes, I am tired of this.

Maybe that’s the breaking-point,

Medical News returning bad, causing chaos in me, my time, my existence.

The last picture, I have not attached in awhile.

But, it fits with what I’m going through and now the pain I cannnot hide.

Writers And Dream Catchers

Good Morning Sunday.

6:42 a.m and I am lying here regretting wasting my Saturday.

Saturday.

Trying to erase everything that is current: Alone, Abnormal Test(s) Results, And Two Major Anniversaries coming-up.

Also, I was supposed to have tomorrow off due to personal reasons, but I missed 4.5 Days of Work/Educate the first week of this Month, so I felt I should stay and go in.

So, Saturday.

Let’s begin with Friday.

Non-Stop *(w/ a 50 Minute Break) from 4:30a.m-7:30p.m

I watched A Star is Born.

I want my money back.

What a cliche!!!

And, I didn’t do anything*(Friday Routine), no dishes, sweeping, mopping, etc *(except Laundry).

I was at my breaking-point of exhaustion.

I found slumber around 11:30 and found myself sleeping until 8:00a.m

A rarity.

I stayed under and spoke to my Mother for 1 Hour 26 Minutes, missing the Event I was supposed to attend yesterday for my (late) Brother, and talking about my Abnormal Test(s) Results and other things.

We spoke about Nicholas Hughes. It was his death Anniversary yesterday *(He was the Son of Sylvia Plath).

We talked about Movies and fillers *(Conversation with no great depth, but keeps us talking).

After lying around, not doing anything, I decided to watch Prozac Nation.

It had been some-time since I viewed it, and I wanted sonething different.

Everything was in it’s right place until I ate. *(Nothing unusual), but my Gastroparesis decided to give me chaos.

I felt so sick ontop of everything else, I went to bed around 4:30p.m.

I even missed my Date *(Wasn’t in the mood for a Date, but I didn’t realize how much time had past/passed, to tell him, I was in for the evening).

I ended up awake after 7:30p.m, sick to my stomach, restless.

I couldn’t find dreams until after 10:00p.m.

My Saturday Plan, ruined.

Continuation.

After another

1 Hour and 3 Minute talk with my Mother, I decided I needed to be somewhat productive, i.e. Dishes, and Sunday Routine.

I still need to do complete so much more, but I am tired.

I know what that means.

Well, this Weekend was a bust.

Very Disappointed.

Long Week ahead *(for many reasons).

And next Weekend is serious.

But, I’m remaining in light.

This is how I feel.

What I’m going through,

alone.

But, that’s the inevitable.

For Nicholas

Original Post
March 16, 2013
Edited
March 16, 2016. March 16, 2019

Today, was your death.
Suicide.

Why did you do it?
Finding yourself in the corners of your suicide closet, noose in hand, ready to exit your successful life.

My mortality deems you already dead before you turned two.
She chose You, your Mother.
It’s as if a piece of her extinction was passed through you as the gas curtains closed upon her.
Tragedy at its best.
Defeat at its worst.

You, look so much like her.
She would have loved you more.

image

Dr. Nicholas Hughes in 2000 in his office at the University of Alaska Fairbanks campus.
Photo by Dave Partee.

Nick And The Candle Stick

”I am a miner. The light burns blue. Waxy stalactites Drip and thicken, tears

The earthen womb

Exudes from its dead boredom. Black bat airs

Wrap me, raggy shawls, Cold homicides. They weld to me like plums.

Old cave of calcium Icicles, old echoer. Even the newts are white,

Those holy Joes. And the fish, the fish—-Christ! They are panes of ice,

A vice of knives, A piranha Religion, drinking

Its first communion out of my live toes. The candle Gulps and recovers its small altitude,

Its yellows hearten. O love, how did you get here? O embryo

Remembering, even in sleep, Your crossed position. The blood blooms clean

In you, ruby. The pain You wake to is not yours.

Love, love, I have hung our cave with roses. With soft rugs—-

The last of Victoriana. Let the stars Plummet to their dark address,

Let the mercuric Atoms that cripple drip Into the terrible well,

You are the one Solid the spaces lean on, envious. You are the baby in the barn.”

Sylvia Plath

*My own Mother called me on March 16, 2009, telling me
Nicholas Hughes killed himself.
I had no need to ask ”Who?”
Shocked then anger came over me as if I controlled the weather.
My fondness expired for Plath’s own destiny, but her work remains as my exemplar.