Good Morning Unsually Cold Saturday.
With Snow Yesterday!
Eyes Open at 6:45 or 7:45 a of m.
I actually cannot remember.
I believe it was 7:45.
As I lay under, I hear my Tachycardia, Leg Pain, Anxiety.
All crying out.
And I’m lost.
Strange dreams of the past and under the weather is what I awoke to.
I didn’t want to be here.
I wanted to open my eyes and see my Adolescent Bedroom.
I wanted to drive far and away but I couldn’t.
Physically nor Financially.
Something that I am far removed, tired of the worry, stress, fear, anxiety it has and is causing me.
I cannot keep continuing like this.
I will be buried.
It makes me remember, reflect to my Childhood watching, listening to my Mother and Father fight/argue/scream about money.
My Father putting in 40+ Hours a week as a Heavy Machinery Technician.
My Mother trying to find work.
Then before we left the
House of Horrors,
She was working Full-Time.
It’s strange to think she worked PT Nights at a Video Store.
I have little recall of it, but a few instances when she would come home and anger quickly filling the air due to us still being “up.” *My Father let us stay “up” quite late and watch t.v with him.
If I could return to my Childhood,
I would have led a very different journey, path to Adulthood.
I never would have gotten Married.
Chosen more Degrees and choosing to obtain a State Teaching Certificate/License.
I look back.
Just ten years ago.
Life was quite different.
Now, I am disintegrating.
Who would have known this would be my continuous existence.
I regret some poor choices I made, mistakes I made.
As I listen to Big Log by Robert Plant, I am haunted how true these lyrics have become. *(I’ve loved this track since I was eighteen).
To just let-go is impossible.
It literally is not working,
And, I need to find a change immediately, or
I will be gone.
“The Eyes That Just Stare, And The Glance At The Clock
And The Secret That Burns
And The Pain That Won’t Stop
And It’s Fuel Is The Years.” R. Plant