Good Morning Sunday.
Post Poning Work/Educate This Morning Due To Stress, Tachycardia, And Being Bullied.
But, I want to concentrate on this Post.
I Interviewed and Spoke with my Father this past Sunday for 2 Hours and 27 Minutes.
I cannot say when it was the last time via telephone we spoke for that period of time.
It truly was an Interview for a Short I’m going to Write, but also to just know more than I already do.
I have posted/blogged before of reflection and childhood memories of my Father and I.
Most, were out-of-the-blue moments I remembered more so ever now.
*Something I expressed as well.
So, this past Sunday, I called and asked if I could Interview him.
He replied, Yes.
Stories he shared were sad, haunting, making me realize more of why he was the way he was when I was a Child.
His Life, filled with hardship, poverty, violence, alcoholism all before the age of eleven.
I do know many these periods of his early life, but he went in more depth/detail and other memories surfaced as he spoke.
As I lie here in pain from Tachycardia, Stomach, etc. My Father, 61, still a Heavy Machinery Technician is hard at Work.
I wish we, Him and I had more time together. To talk. For him to apologize. Me, forgive.
Time, is slipping and I don’t want to lose anymore.
I look at one particular story from My Father’s childhood, how he was Homeless, due to his Step-Father being sent to Jail, and stayed in a Caravan with what some would call “Hippies” with his infant Half-Sister and Mother.
He was maybe three or four years old.
But, like me, has a photographic image of the past, and was able to recollect all the pieces from that evening long ago.
My Father made damn sure that would never happen to his Children.
And it never did.
I watched him, every morning.
Same Monday-Friday routine:
He was in his “Mechanics” Uniform *(what I called it when I was a child), making a Thermos of Coffee, sitting on the backdoor step, smoking his infamous Cambridge Cigarettes.
Making sure he was providing for his Family, even though he wasn’t happy.
I’m not happy.
I haven’t been happy in a year.
Struggling, and being Disabled is impossible.
I’m supposed to keep going, continue.
And I’m alone.
I look back at those years and to our two-day-ago Interview and Conversation, and I wish things would have, could have been different for my Father.
A chance at College, Financially better, more time with my Mother.
Then, it would all have been different for me.
After we hung up, my eyes began to well, and I played Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Midnight Special. A Song/Track so true with my Father’s Identity and where he came from, made me sink with sorrow and regret.
Sorrow that my Father had to experience so much pain and Regret that he never apologized to me for the violence bestowed upon me during my childhood.
One day, I hope he will.
Just as he came to a place and forgave his Mother (Postdeath), and found peace with his own past.
Good Morning Saturday.
Last Saturday, Hope.
I made my decision *(which in strange circumstances an event on Thursday led it to being easier to make. The Decision that is.
My body is spent.
SO much stress, and 3.5 Hours Of “Cleaning” added on to my beat body.
I have my regular 1p.m Therapy Session and the Cat Box.
I’m going to take it easy today, since there is still a large amount of stress in current.
That’s how my Heart Feels.
Tachycardia *(Which had worsen in the past three weeks)
Can a change occurr in these next days ahead?
Some Girls by The Rolling Stones.
I’m not sure if it’s my favorite Stones Album, but it’s very different then their previous body of work.
Some Girls is Funk with waves of British Rock.
Before, Stones Albums were Political, Straight Rock with a Touch of Pop *(in the beginning).
I look at myself 10 years ago, I realize I wasn’t happy.
Yes, I was an Adjunct Professor, living nicely for 6 Years, but inside, I was dark, alone.
I look back, and the eras of my life I lived in true happiness were my Undergraduate Years, Living/Teaching in China, and the last Six Months of 2016.
*(There were many many hours of happiness during/in Graduate School #1, but Second Year starting with Chemotherapy, is not going to bring much joy).
I also have seen.
I am alone because I am not ready to be in a Relationship.
I need to better myself in the ancient parts and existing pain that keeps me under.
Yes, I do yearn for another in physicality, but I can let it be still.
There are so many aspects of Me I need to learn, re-wire, fix, understand.
Then, I know and feel I will be the best Me and have a Relationship, a Healthy Relationship, which I have never had/experienced in my entire existence.
So, like the Decision I made, and what is to come and healed/fixed, my Era will change once more.
Hopefully, an Era of happiness.
The way she holds onto the Crystal Ball as if her life depended on it, is something I can no longer do.
Good Evening Saturday.
Darkness has settled.
35° and I’m in pure anxiety mode.
I can’t escape my Mind.
Had my regular 1:00p.m Therapy Session
Rx early this a of m due to super Tachycardia.
I still feel the pain from the Tachycardia.
The pain is difficult to describe, but easy to melt away from.
Now, brought on by a decision I have to make in 3 Days *(I’m not counting Sunday).
Not like I have enough of it.
Anxiety that is.
I’ve lost everything in the last Eleven Months, and it continues.
The only way out is a Dead End.
In through the Out Door.
No time this evening on the Enclosed Porch with my Cats.
First Saturday in since April.
I feel sad.
But, with my Health and the level of Tachycardia I have experienced, Blood Pooling, and Anxiety *(Plus the change in weather again), it’s impossible.
I’m not sure how to make my decision.
Too many pieces, components in 1 Day.
It’s almost terrifying.
My Mental Health is in danger.
One wrong way, I will be under.
Woke to Tachycardia, Confusion, Pain, Sinuses.
I was unaware of what day it actually was.
I saw the Cellular Clock:
I slowly got up, Tachycardia taking over.
I had forgotten
Last Load of Laundry
And I was awake at 7:00 a of m. *7:15 maybe.
Tachycardia is like this, everything is shaky, confusing.
I’m still very/quite unsure of the decision I have to make.
Too much in little time and with my Anxiety
It’s making me physically ill and an emotionally wrecked.
I still have things to do
And I don’t know how.
I’m going under and it’s impossible.
Sunday Chores Complete.
I didn’t want to due to what I am feeling, having to leave.
If I could just make $2.00 more, I could stay.
I want to stay.
Even with the last eleven months, and darkness, no friends, I want to stay.
I like my Rented Place.
My Cats like their Rented House.
But, it’s impossible.
You can complete a million different Excel Spreadsheets, and the matter of the fact is I don’t make to pay to live, exist.
I’ve been trying since June, to find solutions.
Now, with a Paycut, and now no more Over-Time period, it truly is impossible.
I just want to Educate and Survive and take care of my Pets.
Is that asking for for the World?
And yes, I was promised a Loan back in June, but it didn’t work out.
Yes, it hurts, but it has passed/past.
So, tomorrow, during the Thirty Minutes I have, I am going to research and see if I can get a Loan.
Then return to making calls regarding Assistance.
I don’t want to walk away, give up.
But, it’s looking that my
Dead End is near.
Sunday, Good Morning.
I’ve made my final decision
I have to leave.
I truly do not wish this.
But, I literally cannot take anymore loss and I cannot keep continuing my existence like this.
Financially is the reason for the choice.
There is no other way unless I made more Capital.
And since June, the struggle to continue here worsened.
Then when I took a Pay Cut in August, I knew it wasn’t going to Work, but
To the point of Suicide.
I am beyond saddened by this
My continuous existence these past eleven months.
I’m drowning even further and without Financial Change
So, in it all,
I don’t want to leave, but to remain Alive, I have to.
This is me.
It was not my plan.
What’s the Lesson in it all?
I know, I can’t continue on like this.
There is a song that burns deep from the past.
It was posted
April 29, 2016 toward me *(Which I look back now and it was about self-reflection).
I absolutely loathed this track of doom.
I found myself searching then listening to it for the first time in probably about a year.
Hearts/ Wires by Deftones.
Now, this listen has a new and entirely different perspective and meaning.
The Day he sent me his “Good-bye Letter,” I met him.
The SAME DAY.
May 24, 2016.
One Door closed.
Another Opened is how I looked at it.
It’s too much coincidence.
This was not by default, but a moment of meant to be.
“Good-Bye Letter” Destroyed Me.
But, light came when he emailed me and my life would change forever.
I’ll never forget the initial email.
I was stoked.
After over a Year of my Disability and having to Work/Educate from home on a Part-Time basis, I would come to have the Opportunity to keep my Career Full-Time. And, with success.
A forbidden love felt by both sides of the Heart.
I was Hired the day of my Interview.
I was already attracted to him.
The Onboard Hiring Process went quick.
Within five days, I was
It was our First Launch.
Beta Version of our Platform, System, Classrooms.
He was my Main Point of Contact during that time of Work.
Sometimes, up to 40 Messages a Day.
But, that is how we came to fix/create something great for the Students and Company and the beginning of our Working Relationship.
I was busy for the first time since I became Disabled, it was easy to finally let-go of the Past and look forward.
And I did.
We went on a Hiatus for an entire Month, with the Promise, it would all return.
I was Educating 7 Days A Week.
Him and I closer than before.
August 24, 2016 happened.
Too Close now.
August 31, 2016 the last time he was apart of me *Truthfully. There was a Call on April 14, 2017. But, I feel now it was a set-up, not genuine. For the purpose of wrongfully Terminating my Direct Boss, which he did seven weeks later. *During that April 2017 Call, he even stated “Wow, has it really been 9 months since we spoke?”
Then after April 2017, the conversations that did take place shifted, darkened.
The last Conversation was
March 22, 2018.
I wrote about it.
How two people who worked together so closely, now enemies, broke my Soul.
Our last Messages took place
April 7, 2018.
Things for me had changed, Employment wise and I couldn’t just Teach 4 Hours a Week, which was what was only being offered. And I was tired of not understanding why and what happened to it all.
*There were a few emails exchanged in June, which was the last form of communication between us.
He removed me as a
Contact this past Wednesday.
That’s why the Song.
How he grew so far away, distant, angry, abusive, hateful, hurtful.
Is a mystery to me.
And I am truly saddened how it all ended.
My Hard Work, vanished.
Our Relationship, erased by his own choices on how he decided to treat me after.
I let go, but to see being removed hurt and brought back specific moments and all my Hard Work and Dedication.
Fits the empty parts that still linger, remain.
But, it’s all over.
Two years ago, seemed impossible.
Both Career and Relationship.
I hope he remembers how much I gave and Educating 7 Days A Week, 17 Months Straight.
And how he treated me.
And how much I loved him through it all.
And I know, he felt something at one point.
I hope he remembers that too.
“No vision or dreams about you, came true for me.” Hearts/ Wires by Deftones
Good Morning Unsually Cold Saturday.
With Snow Yesterday!
Eyes Open at 6:45 or 7:45 a of m.
I actually cannot remember.
I believe it was 7:45.
As I lay under, I hear my Tachycardia, Leg Pain, Anxiety.
All crying out.
And I’m lost.
Strange dreams of the past and under the weather is what I awoke to.
I didn’t want to be here.
I wanted to open my eyes and see my Adolescent Bedroom.
I wanted to drive far and away but I couldn’t.
Physically nor Financially.
Something that I am far removed, tired of the worry, stress, fear, anxiety it has and is causing me.
I cannot keep continuing like this.
I will be buried.
It makes me remember, reflect to my Childhood watching, listening to my Mother and Father fight/argue/scream about money.
My Father putting in 40+ Hours a week as a Heavy Machinery Technician.
My Mother trying to find work.
Then before we left the
House of Horrors,
She was working Full-Time.
It’s strange to think she worked PT Nights at a Video Store.
I have little recall of it, but a few instances when she would come home and anger quickly filling the air due to us still being “up.” *My Father let us stay “up” quite late and watch t.v with him.
If I could return to my Childhood,
I would have led a very different journey, path to Adulthood.
I never would have gotten Married.
Chosen more Degrees and choosing to obtain a State Teaching Certificate/License.
I look back.
Just ten years ago.
Life was quite different.
Now, I am disintegrating.
Who would have known this would be my continuous existence.
I regret some poor choices I made, mistakes I made.
As I listen to Big Log by Robert Plant, I am haunted how true these lyrics have become. *(I’ve loved this track since I was eighteen).
To just let-go is impossible.
It literally is not working,
And, I need to find a change immediately, or
I will be gone.
“The Eyes That Just Stare, And The Glance At The Clock
And The Secret That Burns
And The Pain That Won’t Stop
And It’s Fuel Is The Years.” R. Plant