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Another Downward Sunday

Shredded.

100% The Seams Of Me.

Not Just My Body, But My Soul.

I’m Wrecked With So Much Sadness, Loss, Loneliness, Regret.

I’m in the worst Financial Crisis I’ve ever been in.

My Well-Being, falling.

My Soul,

Failing.

I hurt in so many ways I cannot take one more step, breath without collapsing.

My heart is heavy from the idea that Twin Flames still exist, that my Life will normalize again, and I will reach happiness and success in my Career again.

None of this is even close to my door. *(With the exception of Career. There is always hope in that department).

Yesterday.

My Saturday Regular Therapy Session at Noon happened.

My Last Saturday Session with my Counselor will be 8/4/18.

I already have a Replacement Again.

Why does this keep occurring?

Last Year Twice. *(17 Months with the same LPC and left me with two shitty Counselors. Then Late Spring [2017], Replaced With Another And Said Counselor Leaves In September 2017).

Now, this?

My current Counselor and I have been working together for 8 Months.

Through this awful year.

And my last Session is in 7 Days.

August and September are very difficult months for me.

Why Now?

Yesterday Evening.

I tried to finish more cleaning/chores.

I did and it almost killed me.

So, exactly at 9:22p.m, I got up and lit my two livingroom candles, fed Cats, and decided I needed a new Film/Movie to watch/view.

I chose Amy.

It’s a Docu about Amy Winehouse from 2015.

I had not heard of its release until last night on Social Media from a friend who was watching the Docu and recommended it *(Her and I have similar taste in the Film Arena).

It was a long Documentary.

Over 2 Hours.

I was not comfortable due to Dysautonomia.

So, the first 45 minutes I was fighting it all just to relax, remain comfortable.

After the Documentary, I watched her Video*(twice) for Back to Black.

I forgot how great of a Song that was/is.

*I did indeed purchase her Album when it was released in 2006.

I was a fan for a short period of time.

I decided to stay in the Music Genre of Film, so I re-watched *(half) Sid and Nancy.

It had been awhile, and I was in the mood.

Then I noticed the time,

3:23a.m

Time for sleep.

I made myself head to bed.

I did not want another downward Sunday.

8:23 on the dot I awoke.

5 Hours of slumber and dreams.

Dreams I do not want.

Insert Twin Flame.

Why am I still dreaming about him?

WHY?

My Dysautonomia was on fire, so I took my Medication and another slice of Medication to sleep.

I found myself awake after only two hours.

Again, with dreams left off from the night.

What the fuck?!

I do not want this.

It hurts unbelievably so.

The Dreams have shifted too.

These were nice dreams.

The realness of the dreams themselves and now the shift, I don’t understand.

3:57p.m

As I lie in bed, Black Slacks, Wife Beater, and a Cropped AC/DC T-Shirt, it’s another downward Sunday.

I’m tired.

Im tired from lack of sleep

I’m tired of struggling with everything

I’m tired of the past haunting me

And why I can’t let go.


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