100% The Seams Of Me.
Not Just My Body, But My Soul.
I’m Wrecked With So Much Sadness, Loss, Loneliness, Regret.
I’m in the worst Financial Crisis I’ve ever been in.
My Well-Being, falling.
I hurt in so many ways I cannot take one more step, breath without collapsing.
My heart is heavy from the idea that Twin Flames still exist, that my Life will normalize again, and I will reach happiness and success in my Career again.
None of this is even close to my door. *(With the exception of Career. There is always hope in that department).
My Saturday Regular Therapy Session at Noon happened.
My Last Saturday Session with my Counselor will be 8/4/18.
I already have a Replacement Again.
Why does this keep occurring?
Last Year Twice. *(17 Months with the same LPC and left me with two shitty Counselors. Then Late Spring , Replaced With Another And Said Counselor Leaves In September 2017).
My current Counselor and I have been working together for 8 Months.
Through this awful year.
And my last Session is in 7 Days.
August and September are very difficult months for me.
I tried to finish more cleaning/chores.
I did and it almost killed me.
So, exactly at 9:22p.m, I got up and lit my two livingroom candles, fed Cats, and decided I needed a new Film/Movie to watch/view.
I chose Amy.
It’s a Docu about Amy Winehouse from 2015.
I had not heard of its release until last night on Social Media from a friend who was watching the Docu and recommended it *(Her and I have similar taste in the Film Arena).
It was a long Documentary.
Over 2 Hours.
I was not comfortable due to Dysautonomia.
So, the first 45 minutes I was fighting it all just to relax, remain comfortable.
After the Documentary, I watched her Video*(twice) for Back to Black.
I forgot how great of a Song that was/is.
*I did indeed purchase her Album when it was released in 2006.
I was a fan for a short period of time.
I decided to stay in the Music Genre of Film, so I re-watched *(half) Sid and Nancy.
It had been awhile, and I was in the mood.
Then I noticed the time,
Time for sleep.
I made myself head to bed.
I did not want another downward Sunday.
8:23 on the dot I awoke.
5 Hours of slumber and dreams.
Dreams I do not want.
Insert Twin Flame.
Why am I still dreaming about him?
My Dysautonomia was on fire, so I took my Medication and another slice of Medication to sleep.
I found myself awake after only two hours.
Again, with dreams left off from the night.
What the fuck?!
I do not want this.
It hurts unbelievably so.
The Dreams have shifted too.
These were nice dreams.
The realness of the dreams themselves and now the shift, I don’t understand.
As I lie in bed, Black Slacks, Wife Beater, and a Cropped AC/DC T-Shirt, it’s another downward Sunday.
Im tired from lack of sleep
I’m tired of struggling with everything
I’m tired of the past haunting me
And why I can’t let go.
15 10 3 3
Bisquick Farm Thy Neighbor Above.
Don’t Like The Smell Of Pancakes At 8:30 a of m.
Don’t Like The Smell Of Pancakes At Any Time.
And it’s only 10:10.
Full Moon/Eclipse last evening.
I found myself among candles, music, and Cats.
Maybe that’s the way it is meant for me now.
After the night kept passing by and the Full Moon began its decline, I finished re-viewing the rest of the film, Control and then buzzing around on Roku.
Sleep was coming, so I headed to bed without tears.
Awoke to sunrise and not my breakfast.
Realized bowl I superglued was now superglued to rented kitchen counter.
I had to break said bowl *(now in garbage) and a partial ring of Superglue is frozen on the rented kitchen counter.
Listened (partial) to Santigold’s new Album.
She never lets me down.
On my Instagram. Uploading the Boomerang Video from last evening.
Back in bed with one Cat continuously trying to sleep ontop of me.
Not Wearing Pajamas.
Regular Saturday Therapy Session at Noon.
Eyes are heavy.
Listened to Taxi To Heaven.
It’s been awhile.
Interrupted by Phone Call.
Rinse Mop Bucket Out
Water Was Brown. *(Mopped it twice two Saturday’s ago and last Sunday, Swiffler Mop. Why the heck is the water brown)?!
Thank You Pinesol.
Looked At Superglued Kitchen Counter
Vacuuming, Laundry, And More Mopping Needs To Be Done.
Financial Crisis At Its Worst.
I don’t eat anymore.
I’m the only one who knows the major reason why *(Besides Gastroparesis).
Coffee with my Silk Vanilla Almond Milk Creamer/Omelette, Spanish Style/Potatoes/Ketchup/Juice.
Found This BEAUTIFUL Photo On Instagram This A of M.
Someone I Follow.
I Was Going To Edit The Photo To My Liking (with the property name still), But Decided To Let It Be.
In My Existence
All Happening Now.
“Much of the pain and suffering in our lives comes from holding onto things too long and too tightly.
The skill of learning to let go and to release and relax into the flow of life is a recipe for greater peace and happiness.” L.
This concept is something I struggle with not just as a Buddhist, but in life, this universe.
My regular Therapy Session yesterday needed an extra 30 minutes due to this exact concept.
As I lie here, Sunday late afternoon, missing my Mother’s Birthday, I reflect on many people in my life.
Things I don’t understand, can’t let go, want answers.
My life default.
Here I am, alone, no one to talk to, sunk in from a super Sinus Infection, chores complete, and just wanting some peace. My mind to stop circling the past as if somehow the circles will rewind time and I can change things or make it stand still.
Moving too fast now.
I want do-overs, repeats, days of the past to return.
My eyes are heavy from lack of dreams and the Infection.
I look at the blank aging walls, two windows covered with blinds, I can see my Enclosed Porch. The sun still beaming in, reminding me another Weekend has past and I did it alone again.
Is there no longer anybody out there?
The irony of this manipulated Album Cover. How the prism breaks, shatters because “a matter of fact, it’s all dark.” Pink Floyd
Is it Saturday?
I’m once again sunk in bed with a Sinus Infection.
This time, no Prescription due to no Insurance.
I’m hoping the few I have left from the last round will be sufficient enough to get me back up.
I’m also overly tired. In the sense it’s unusual.
Yes, I didn’t sleep the greatest this past Work week, but that is not a new concept to my body *(or mind).
With a splash of water and Silk Vanilla Almond Milk Creamer.
Coffee is a Sinus Infection’s Nightmare, but I’m so tired, I need to snap it up and open my body and mind.
I only have one errand to run today and my usual Therapy Session at Noon, but my eyes are closing to erase the things I have to do.
I am Sad.
Sunday, is my Mother’s Birthday.
I wanted to take the Train, but the Tickets were too expensive *(My second Pay from my new Job was incorrect again).
I thought about driving to see her.
I now drive 82+ Miles M-F.
Why couldn’t I make the 111 Mile(one-way)/ 1 Hour 41 Min. Trip?
I haven’t driven a distance in that capacity since early March 2015.
I also haven’t been able to purchase anything for her Birthday either.
For the first time in my Adult Life, I actually do not know what she wants/needs.
I mean, I had not been to my Parents House in 14 Months, and prior to that, it was rarely a short visit Post-Dysautonomia.
I never felt Welcomed.
Two, they made me feel unwelcome, a burden.
They stopped driving to my old Duplex after March 2015.
So, how would or should I feel?
This carousel of emotions is making my stomach churn.
Or, that could be the Infection, Coffee, Dysautonomia.
But, I truly wanted to visit her.
Last year I’m unsure of her Birthday Plans were due to the fact I was relocating/moving in 10 Days after, but the year before, I believe I drove to my Parents House. *In 2015, I couldn’t drive period, so my Father came to pick me up.
Prior to March 2015, I always took her out for her Birthday *(When Schedules collided).
Pedicure, Shopping, Dinner.
Or She would come over for a fabulous meal, gifts, rented movie *(With my Father).
Now, I’m stuck.
I don’t feel well. Really sinking from another Sinus Infection, unusually exhausted, and how am I going to get there?
Plus, no Presents.
So, another Saturday alone?
Laundry, Cleaning, Errands.
This is my life now.
And it’s blue.
Good Morning Sunday.
Up At 2:00ish, then 3, 5, then 8:a of am.
Decided to change into my Sunday gear *(Black shorts with Glitter Gold Stripes, Shades Of Blue Almost Purple And White Plaid Pajamas [it’s from a set], Wife Beater, and an AC/DC Crop Top).
Got Laundry Going *(Two More Loads Today), Then Dishwasher Later.
Everything else is spotless.
My Parents came downbound for a Visit yesterday.
So, I set my alarm for 6:00a.m, but like clock work always, I awoke before the wind chimes could sing.
5:45a.m to be exact.
I bounced out of bed, and with no Coffee or Meds., I began to Mop.
The Kitchen, Twice
The Cats Room *(It’s meant to be a Diningroom, Three Times.
Took A Break.
Fixed up things here and there.
Got Trash and Recycle ready to haul out until a massive Thunderstorm came through.
It was only 8:30a.m.
Decided what to wear and Make-Up (Changed it up a bit), and then tackled emails and listened to a few Guided Meditation Series.
I had my regular Therapy Session at Noon, but at Eleven, I decided to do my Make-Up, so I would be ready for when my Parents arrived.
It has only been their 4th Visit together *(with the exception of Move-In Day, that would be 5).
1. August 26, 2017
2. December 30, 2017
3. April 7, 2018
4. July 14, 2018.
This Visit was great.
They got to Meet their new Grand-Furson, Zeta.
They miss their other Jackson *(He loves them).
And we had an adventurous day out and a nice, but short visit after.
They arrived a little after 1:00p.m and were on the road a little after 6:00p.m.
Most of the Visit was spent out.
They ate Lunch, then we ran two errands together.
I could tell my Parents (My Mother especially) was happy with the cleanliness of my Rented House.
Their last Visit, the Rented House was a wreck. *(I had just re-started my Former Job, was super sick and Leonardo had just passed 16 Days prior to their last Visit. And his Ashes were not really his Ashes their last Visit).
I was not feeling 100% yesterday.
Sinuses and Dysautonomia, but I gave my all.
The time I enjoyed the most/heartfelt was when we all sat on my Enclosed Porch with both Cats.
They could see how both my Cats enjoy their time playing, watching, relaxing.
And my Life.
All I do, am now.
I Teach M-F, Driving Roughly 410 Miles M-F, Then Saturday, Chores and my Saturday Evening Film Routine. And Sunday, Relax and Chores if I didn’t complete any from Saturday.
No one to talk to.
My Mother said something to me during our first Errand “You Lost More Weight Since Last Time We Saw You.” *(Late May, when I took the Train).
So, my Parents purchased (for Me) Chicken*(To Cook), GF Pizza, And Doritos at our second/last Errand together.
I take it as a compliment since she is behind my 12 Year Battle (then recovery) with Anorexia-Nervosa.
I know I have. *(Weight that is).
But, look at the circumstances.
Not just these past eight months, but just the past two months.
Too much happening/occurring in my life.
And as of right now, 9:13 ante meridian, I have the least amount of Finances since I was 25.
But, her comment made me happy. It’s uncommon to hear nice things about myself in entirety from my Parents.
And, I’m at a point in my life, I’ll take what I get, even in its rare form.
My Sunday Morning was interuppted of things I will not speak of.
Now, I will return to Guided Meditation, preparing for a busy week, and maybe a Sunday Treat.
Oh yes, let’s not forget, Laundry.
Being Alone Has Taught Me:
Love, Is A Commercial Emotion.
There Is No Forever Love, Commitment. Human Beings Are Not Wired For The Capacity To Love Eternally.
It’s All Fashion, A Thirty-Second Spot On Your Television.
“I know when to go out
and when to stay in.
Get things done.” David Bowie
6:23 a of am when I opened my eyes.
Apart of why I started this Blog. *Spring Semester 2013, I was only Teaching Tuesdays/Thursdays. So, I wanted to keep working on my Book. And to write on the days I was not Educating.
MondaysWednesdaysFridays was born.
Now, back to present.
Could I ever imagine things could get worse?
My first Paycheck from my new Job was short. A lot.
I could not fulfill the arrangement I made with my Current Landlord, and my Finances are in a state of emergency, which has led my Depression to the end of its time.
Today, is actually a Holiday.
I do not get paid today like most.
So, My next Paycheck will be short too.
I can’t make it anymore.
I receive no OT, Spending $150.00 a Week on Gas, and it’s literally impossible to survive.
I’m striking out on finding a place near my new Job as well.
Last evening, I didn’t get settled until after 7:45p.m.
I had to wait for my Landlord to come.
I wanted to just sit on my Enclosed Porch with my Fursons and relax.
But, I physically couldn’t.
So, I completed a load of laundry and watched (for the Fourth Time)
David Cassidy: The Last Session.
I watched it again *(just after re-viewing it this past Sunday) due to the significant amount of tragedy we both share.
There’s a 40 year old Interview of him stating “I was in the bathtub alone and there was a collapse.”
My collapse was, Texas 2008.
I was alone.
Driving 190 Miles A Day for 9 Months to my Job, No Friends *(with the exception of my Dogs), and my Ex-Husband Deployed again.
I returned to the States in 2008 from China.
I was on this cosmic high that it would be easy to find a Job now and live a better life until he returned home.
I was Unemployed for four Months.
First Job in Texas fell through after 6 Weeks due to no Budget *(I was hired to Manage/Develope an ESL Program), but with luck the CEO of the Schools found a place for me at another school as an ESL Teacher.
So, I drove 190 Miles a day *(4 days a week. We had Fridays off) for the following nine months.
But, inside, I was unraveling.
Chapter 1 of my Collapse.
Chapter 2 would be 2012 when I isolated myself that year.
Then Chapter 3 would be 2016.
Chapter 4, 2017-Present.
My eyes are closing as it is only 8:35 ante meridian and the weather is already torching the sunrise through my windows, burning me.
I wanted to sleep today.
To forget, it is a day off for a Holiday, but I do not get paid for it and the Financial Emergency I’m currently in that is drowning every particle of my existence, and just to have peace today.
Tachycardia, Blood Pooling, Headache, Had Extreme Vision Issues last night *(haven’t experienced that in months).
I will return later as my mind is calling my dreams.
I meet the moment of sleep, it invites me in, but my anxiety keeps sleep at the door.
So, I play The Cowboy’s Lament by Jewel.
The first time I heard it was May 11, 2018. I had a tear fall as I sat in the darkened room.
The song made me feel and think about my Leonardo. My Sweet Boy.
And now, how’s it’s been over 3 months since his sudden passing, and how his Spirit is here in Ashes.
How I want to be with him.
I’m so alone Leonardo and Mommy is struggling more than ever.
Mommy is in trouble, mentally that someone called 211 in-concern.
I was going through David Cassidy’s Music Catalog, and came across a song that is supposed to be heard as up-beat, happy. But, there is a deep sadness in his voice. He was 24 at the time the Album was released.
Three days later.
I return to this post.
I’m now in the first stage of another Sinus Infection.
I’m worn down, ears, throat, and obvious, nasal all hurting and uncomfortable.
I definitely cannot afford to get sick now and miss work.
Last evening, Friday I didn’t rest my bones until after 8:30p.m
Long drive home, two errands, cleaning.
I decided to sit out for a short hour on my Enclosed Porch with my two Cats.
The weather, dramatically changed.
It was almost 30° Cooler than on Wednesday.
I think the change affected my new Infection.
I also returned to
David Cassidy: The Last Session.
I made it half way and paused where I wanted to.
I wanted to re-view certain clips of the Special.
What I’m going through.
I was not feeling well *(The new Infection had already started it’s race), so I zoomed around on my Roku then to bed.
Only to sleep at 5:45a of m.
I did manage an extra hour.
I have my Regular Therapy Session in forty minutes then a list of chores but I don’t want to aggravate the new Infection and waste tomorrow.
So much *(chores) has to get done today too.
Too much is happening in my life
And now, I am sick again.
I need something and someone.
I couldn’t even make it a full year.
On June 25 I had to inform my current Landlord that I cannot afford Rent *(in whole) this Month.
I asked if I could arrange two payments this Month.
He agreed since during my eleven months here, I have never been late on paying Rent nor had to ask for an extension.
I am supposed to get paid in 2 days from my New Job, and I have a lot of crunching to do. *(No Over-Time and $150.00 in Gas already is two against me).
So, Month Eleven. On the dot.
I spent last evening alone (As usual), but was actually invited to an Event. But, it was an Hour away and my budget cannot afford it and my Finances are weak.
So, again, Saturday evening was spent partially on my Enclosed Porch with my two Cats and Outdoor Candles *(My beautiful two sets of LED Lights are fractured. My Wild Child broke one by climbing up the Enclosed Porch to pursue the cord then as he jumped downward he caught the cord and it withered off. The other set? Just stopped working. So, I purchased two[On-Sale] LED Citronella Candles. The LED part of the Candles worked twice. Last night just flames. **The other Candle is a cheap Outdoor Candle that has a wire handle. I though about mounting it on the porch, but Wild Child would probably destroy that too).
We spent about 2 hours on the Enclosed Porch.
The Weather had calmed and a breeze came through to offset the 90° all day temperature.
My Cats seemed restless, almost bored last night.
I was surprised, shocked a little. But, maybe they know, feel something is going on. This is not our home anymore.
Yes, I am trying to re-locate closer to my new Job.
I have already looked at 1 Apartment, and tomorrow, I go look at a House I’ve been trying to see all this past week.
The House has an Enclosed Porch, but with Windows. 🙂 *(Something I’ve dreamt about for most of my life).
I am hoping this will work.
I will be receiving some Financial Help from my Parents since
One, My “Sister” decided not to help me then disappeared from my life.
Two, Can’t move home/My Parents House. It’s been made clear as a diamond that I am not worth as much as others.
If it doesn’t work out, I have a week or so to search and find a place.
If not, I’m stuck here in worse Financial shape in my entire Adult life.
That means there’s only one solution if that occurs.
Sunday. Now, dedicated solely to prepare my body for Driving.
I like my new Job.
I really do.
I like who I work for and work with.
If I can make it to a place closer, things would be easier on my Health and Finances 100%.
It would be the turn of luck I need after all of this darkness and tragedy these past eight months.
I am truthfully hopeful regarding tomorrow and the week.
I’m not praying*(The Buddhist way), asking out loud for help(light), but in true hope with 100% of my being in posititivity.
Walking in with open eyes and a clear heart
That my future could turn.
Release me. I need the road to transformation not just for my physical self, but emotionally, financially, and for my two Fursons who need me.