I just spent an hour with my two Fursons on my Enclosed Porch.
My Boys, Happy.
Me. I decided I needed a pick-me-up, so I brewed one Cup of Starbucks Creme Brulee K-Cup With Extra Water, Almond Vanilla Coffee Cream And 1 Teaspoon of Coolwhip.
Yes, very sweet *(Unusual for me. I don’t consume Sugar).
I needed space, time away from it all, everything, go be silent with all the pain and loss falling on me.
Now, I’m lying down under my comforter (that used to be so beautiful) and my eyes want to sleep.
I don’t know how, my heart is racing from the caffeine *(I never drink coffee after a certain time of the day due to my Tachycardia).
Three Days Later.
I received the most atrocious, heinous, wretched, attack via email from my former Boss.
She sent this email out on Sunday, and it was forwarded to me on Monday at 8:37a of m.
I then spent the next Six Hours dealing with Legality.
My Monday was supposed to be filled with action. Me up and looking for the World again.
Instead, I’m shredded on a level I have never experienced.
It brought back all the sadness from losing that Job and how I had already moved on *(Getting a new Job, starting that Process) and emotionally, trying to remain positive and looking forward.
Yesterday, I had an extremely busy day, but I kept a conversation inside I had with a Close friend on Monday afternoon (2 Hours. First Hour Him. Second Hour Me. That’s how we usually catch-up).
He said something that almost haunted me, and when I woke this morning to the sun blazing, my stomach in knots, and tired, his words hit me
“I’m alone most of the time.”
He is Married to a wonderful Woman, but unfortunately my good friend is Disabled.
He does spend his days mostly alone.
And when I became Disabled 03302015, and after I settled back into what would be my new life, he and I talked for hours *(we knew eachother a few years prior).
After my old Job went away late November 2017, I was utterly alone.
I had little Work from January-February 2018/Online, yet still alone.
Then, I find a Job in this town.
I’m out of the house 40 Hours a Week.
Still alone. (With the exception of my two Cats. One Cat passing away).
But, just being in the World again (Until May 29) was a blessing in a disguise.
No, I did not be-friend anyone outside my Job, but I was Teaching and still had the components of interaction).
It’s been six long days and twilight since my Termination, and after receiving the email two days ago has ripped open all my pain, hurt, sadness, doubt all over again, pulling me further down that makes May 29 more worrisome *(May 29. I have only shared it with Four People. Should have been 3).
Now, it is late morning, my mind and body, tired. My routine has been off, so my insomnia and dreams are off as well.
Tachycardia, Legs, Chest, Eyes Closing.
When I looked at the red digital numbers on the stove, I thought to myself, I would already have almost completed my Work Day.
It’s like everytime I move forward, I can’t.
Example, Retirement Fund, Was Accepted Then Depleted In Three Weeks.
My Cat’s Ashes. I was sent the wrong Ashes. *(I had them for weeks).
Now, for the first time in Twelve years(in my Career as an Educator), I am Terminated from a Job. I try to move on, but then the email on Monday.
And I’m tired.
I’m tired of struggling beyond max capacity these last 7 Months.
Six Days Later.
These last 6 Days have been sad but true.
I asked for help and the help never came.
It shows me how alone I truly am.
I return to the Workforce in two days.
I’m in hope my Body can manage.
That’s all I have to say.