I made it to my Parents House after over 14 Months.
I awoke earlier than expected last Saturday morning, but it gave me time to calm things down. *(I began packing the night before, but I was filled with so much anxiety and exhaustion.
I scheduled a Taxi, and she was almost 30 minutes early *(she was sweet. Telling me not to rush, take my time. She must have felt my vibe).
I wanted to be at the Trainstation early, but I was too early.
Finally, Boarding Call and I was sitting in my seat on a packed downbound train, leaving this town for the first time since I re-located and on my way to visit my Family.
That was what I was thinking about on the Departure up North.
How, it had literally been over fourteen Months since I stepped foot in my Parent’s house.
The Train ride seemed slower than I remembered.
But, my stop *(second to last) Arrival to the New Platform *(It was under construction the last time I took that Train Service)
And to my serious surprise, both of my Parents were there.
They came toward me as I dragged my heavy suitcase, and my Mother embraced me *(telling me “Don’t forget your Dad.”) *I was not feeling well and in exhaustion overdrive, I didn’t realize I didn’t hug him.
The car ride home was usual. Arguing about directions etc, but after 35 minutes, I was walking into my Parents house as if I were a ghost.
It was still late morning *(My Train arrived at 11:19a.m).
So, we sat around the kitchen table, talking for awhile then both my Parents decided to take a nap.
I went into my old bedroom *(which is now filled with a lot of my Brother’s things) and I began looking for stuff I needed for Work.
I didn’t realize I spent a few hours sitting on the worn pale blue carpet, closet doors ajar, and me, on a mission searching for what I was looking for. *(I did and was stoked).
Then, it hit.
I began to get sick again.
So, I laid in my adolescent bed and tried to rest my bones, but I knew it was impossible.
One, I was freezing from what sickness had begun again
Two. My Compression Stockings were done.
I was feeling worse by the time company came *(A Family member I had not seen in a few years) and dinner for the Birthday Boy.
I had to pretend I was okay, and eat.
Slowly manage to eat 2.5 very small slices of Gluten Free Cheese Pizza.
The usual chain reaction occurred: Tachycardia, Stomach Ache, Dizziness.
But, I made sure to stay Hydrated *(I was drinking the mini Nestle Water Bottles as if I was alone in the desert.
We all gathered around the largest Flat-Screen t.v. ever and watched Game 7 Rockets vs Warriors *(I was rooting for Golden State).
It was after 9:30p.m and my Uncle had to leave and it was nice seeing him. I was trying to remember while we were visiting, when was the last time I saw him *(After the Birthday Boy Dinner, My Uncle and I sat around my Parent’s twenty-seven year old Dining Room Table, chatting, catching up. And I told him about Leo and when I spoke about how I received the wrong Ashes, I started to choke-up *(Not like me. My Uncle has never seen me cry).
We finished watching the Game, and I just felt so weak. Luckily, I came prepared with my Regular Meds and Antibiotics.
So, I took an Antibiotic and my other Meds and I stayed awake *(alone) until 12:23a.m.
I climbed the two short set of stair cases to a sleeping house and made my way to my old bedroom.
Of course, I awoke at 7:25a.m, but was able to manage about two more hours of R.E M.
Sunday morning, sitting with my Parents at their kitchen table as I drank my first cup of coffee in WEEKS.
I was jittery, but felt better from the evening before *(Minus the exhaustion and Compression Stockings).
My Parents and I just sat and enjoyed a hot Sunday morning *(My Mother busy with her Sunday Routine at the kitchen table) as my Father ate his Breakfast.
It was already after 11:00a.m and my Father and a few errands to run, so I joined him.
After errands were completed, we drove over to the House of Horrors.
It was unrecognizable from the last time I drove by with intentions.
We drove through the entire Neighborhood, including seeing my old Elementary School *(a lot of change too), my childhood Best-Friend’s home *(looked to be abandoned), My old Babysitter’s house, and other old homes of childhood friends whom either moved away then or later.
While my Father and I were on our “Road Trip,” we talked a lot.
I am my Father’s daughter.
We are so much a like in Character it’s unbelievable. I say this with a heavy heart due to the Violence growing up *(even as an Adult), no apologies, and the sexual abuse that occurred and I was left alone to defend myself *(No, my Father is not the induvidual(s) who committed those horrific acts of abuse. But, his Co-Worker’s Son was, and they remained Friends after I told my Parents who the individual was that tortured me when I was eight.
We ended our “Road Trip” at Starbucks *(picking up a surprise beverage for my Mother too) and headed back.
The rest of the day was spent just at the kitchen table, either talking to my Mother or Father.
I had forgotten that it was Sunday, and my Train was departing at 7:57a.m, which meant a wake up call at 5:00a.m.
Dinner plans had changed, and it was decided the real Birthday Dinner would be this Sunday.
So, once again, I accompanied my Father on the errands run, but this time the Conversation was serious.
As we were heading back, I told my Father my Secret. That I wanted to move*(another State), had a Job Interview, but now I can’t due to the fact my Retirement Fund is gone. *(Thank you to my Ex-Husband for letting my Truck Rot and me having to purchase an Engine and Radiator for $2,000).
I started to cry.
I have been holding it all in since my Retirement Fund was depleted, my Cat passing away, my old Job, and living the way I do now.
We sat in the Driveway as my Mother came flying out of the house asking What’s Wrong as if my Father and I had been fighting.
I told her I was talking, telling a secret.
I went inside, the two short set of stairs, and into my old room, closing the door behind me as I sat on my old bed and began to weep.
I sat there, alone letting it out, day old mascara flooding down, as my Mother entered and saw the black lines down my face.
She told me “This is not the time for this. And go wipe your face. You have black all over it.”
So, I did and joined everyone downstairs in the ancient Familyroom for the real Birthday Dinner *(while we watched a Film I had never seen: To Live and Die in L.A.).
I surprised everyone by purchasing the Birthday Boy Dinner. *(Finances are extremely difficult/crucial right now).
I ate again. This time, just French Fries *(from a place my Father wanted me to try) with a side of my own concoction of Mayonnaise and Salsa.
The Film was excellent as the company was, but in the back of me, anxiety was brewing.
I could not Schedule a Taxi in advance like I did for when I departed, I had to be awake at 5:00a.m, so much to do when I did return, and no Holiday Pay.
I ended up going to bed a little after 10:30p.m *(I was the last one awake again), and Monday morning was very difficult in regards to my Dysautonomia and Compression Stockings.
I returned to my Rented Home a little after 9:27a.m *(I was able to book a Taxi within 5 minutes, so that helped relieve some stress).
But, when entering the door way, and walking through as I pulled my even heavier suitcase, I felt a darkness I did not feel when I was visiting my Parents House. *(Sadness, yes).
My Mother wanted me to message her when I got in, and I told her what I felt and my anxiety level regarding everything I had to do that day.
She told me things, but did not respond to the darkness comment.
Even though it was a Holiday *(No Educating), I had so much to do, It did not feel like a Holiday.
But, I achieved everything I needed to accomplish, and I spent an hour on my enclosed screen porch with my two Cats. It was a nice time.
That’s how I describe Last Weekend.
I really had a nice time visiting with my Parents.
That seemed to be the theme of the visit.
How fast my stay was, My Parents getting older *(My Mother making a morbid comment. Talking about death as she has never before).
My own Time.
My Disability. *(And my other Health Problems).
My lack of Finances.
Reflecting on my life and how I feel I’m moving backwards instead of forward to my future.
But, in the end, I did enjoy my time after fourteen months.
And, I don’t want time to pass by like that again.
This Photograph is of a D Train I took when I was Living/Teaching in China.