4:33 post meridiem.
Grueling Temperature. / 81°F
Wrecked from a two month Sinus Infection.
But, the news that shook me today was that my Ex-Husband is getting married (again) in a week.
We haven’t even been Divorced for an entire year, and he gets Engaged in April then will be married in a week. *(because they were together when we were still legally Married).
So, I wanted to share this post I began in January 2015.
To expose the coward, with ulterior motives, selfish, controlling, and deceitful Man he is.
I was informed today that due to my extensive health problems, it is my fault for the Depression my husband is experiencing.
Not to the fact of empathy, but that he has to live alone in his new apartment.
*His reaction to the news when I told him I couldn’t work Full-Time any longer at my former Employer because I was too ill, and that I couldn’t send him any of my regained Unemployment Benefits to him.
*I began a new Job(returning to College Education), but my Health prohibited me from working.
*His response to my Health Problems and why I cannot continue to work.
In the eight years we have been married, he has never asked me once about my Health.
*In February 2010, my Parents had to beg him to take me to the Doctor then Hospital(for my eleventh and twelve Surgeries) and to buy me Gluten Free food (which I then had to cook myself).
In the eight years we have been married, I was an Army Wife for two of the three Deployments. I was left alone at Ft. Hood (no support from the FRG either). I never met his parents (his mother told me in 2006 she wanted Grandchildren and since I had a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy at the age of 23 what use am I). My Parents and Family were always there for him.
Alas, I never stopped supporting him even though it was killing me.
“I am living in hell from one day to the next. But there is nothing I can do to escape. I don’t know where I would go if I did. I feel utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prision. I entered of my own free will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.” Haruki Murakami
For most, a day of relaxation, worship, Family.
For me, reflection of another Weekend spent alone. Literally.
I opened my eyes and thought it was Saturday. I was happy. I thought I had more time to rest.
My newer work Schedule gives Sundays a Weekday feeling.
I have to be in bed at least by 8p.m*(I’ve fallen asleep earlier).
Yesterday felt like another work-day due to waking up at 4:58a.m, then not really catching anymore dreams, I decided to stay busy, Writing, getting ready for my Day of errands then a lot of cleaning. *I almost collapsed vacuuming.
When my body couldn’t take anymore,
The Clock read 8p.m, so I decided to rest and chat via text with someone new.
He actually asked me to go out, but I was so beat I couldn’t lift my arms let alone get ready for a night on the town.
So, we spent a little over 2.5 hours messaging *(breaks in-between) then I went off to my usual Saturday Night Routine,
Film and Bed.
I watched the Film The Big Chill and then an episode of my go to T.V Show.
I wasn’t feeling the best, so I was dragging during the Film.
The Big Chill is my Second favorite film of all time. And, I still find something new in the Film or a different perspective on Characters/Dialogue. *(I did again this viewing).
I used to really enjoy watching my Films and Movies.
Then my (used) DVD Player went out 6 Months ago, so I had to start re-purchasing my Films and Movies on either my Cable Provider or Amazon *(When I had the Finances to).
Obvisiouly, I only re-purchased a hand-full, and that is my Saturday Night.
But, now it’s the only thing I do, and it has become uneventful, depressing.
What to do when no one wants to be a Friend?
“Still Coe thought, maybe it was living in the country that was making [her] cry. It was killing [her] with its silence and loneliness.” MM S5E5
10:21 to be exact.
Birds are chirping, the wind is still.
73° F already.
I’m watching/listening to all of this through my front bedroom window. *The Blinds do not shut 100% since I have lived here, so the World is always there.
I decided to get back to Guided Meditation, but I could not find myself, so I just listened without the silence in my mind.
I started having flashes of my Childhood.
Happy Moments. *(Most were not).
I remember even living in the House of Horrors, there were times of joy.
As my memory traveled back to a place filled with darkness, I saw myself age 8-10.
Saturday mornings were always busy in my house. *Especially, during the Summer months. We had a Pool that needed constant maintenance and a field behind our own yard that needed up-keeping.
Those are the memories that filled my restlessness.
We were not allowed to “sleep-in,” so when it was time to get up, pajamas off, and dressed for the day.
Saturday’s usually meant Breakfast, playing outside *as asked to with the many neighborhood kids that surrounded us, and helping my Father with the Pool.
I loved being there, working along side with my Father. Even though I was terrified of him *(Violent), I knew he was always content when he was outside doing “something.”
I would help him sometimes for hours, forgetting I’m just a little kid! *(He thought of me as a boy).
But, I felt proud that I was his helper.
We talked a lot.
He would tell me stories about Panama, his time in Special Ops, his own Childhood(horrific), and how to fix things.
We would work on the Pool, skimming, Water Pump, Then if needed mowing the lawn (which he taught me how to and would let me do it by myself. With his supervision).
I felt lucky.
My Father spent time with me unlike some of the kids in our neighborhood, who had Dads, but a few of their Dads had better Jobs, so they stayed inside on Saturdays.
I spent more time with my Father then my Mother on Weekends.
And that’s what I did not comprehend.
Why is he so violent when I’m his helper?
If I wasn’t being his little helper (My Mother’s words), I would listen to music and play in my bedroom with my Paperdolls.
My favorite childhood toy of all time.
I actually have Journals, Stories of the Families I created.
The depth of detail in Characters is shocking. To look back and think I was 9 or 10 when I wrote that.
It was my way of escaping the pain from my day to day Childhood and the Trauma I experienced.
If we had to play outside, it was with the same group of kids. We had our own Saturday routine.
Ride Bikes, Hide and Seek, And if we could, play on someone’s Swing-Set/Jungle Gym.
We had one.
A typical metal Swing-Set:
Two swings and a small slide, so it was better when we could go over and tumble down the huge slides and swing to the sky on the larger wooden sets *(Two families in the neighborhood had these Swing-Sets, but were strange about kids playing on them).
During the Summer Months, My Father tried to BBQ on his Charcoal Grill as much as he could.
I secretly hated it.
I never ever like BBQ.
And it was always the same anyway,
BBQ Chicken or Hamburgers.
Dinner Time is when it would hit that I wanted to live in someone else’s Family (particular my Childhood Best-Friend, Amy. Or live with my Nagyapa aka Grandfather).
Even on Saturdays, fighting was always at the Dinner Table.
Either my little Brother was in trouble for poor table manners and not eating, money, and my Father spending too much time outside *(My Parents rarely did anything together/spent time together when I was a child).
Post Dinner, would be return to play outside(where I was free again) then baths then a small amount of television as a Family, then bed-time.
Those moments I can see as if it was yesterday, but are a life-time ago.
If I could return to those specific moments, with the future inside, I most definitely would have ran-away or tried harder to return and live with my Grandfather.
I did try to run-away multiple times.
First time, I was 7.
I actually hopped right out my bedroom window.
But, those are not the memories I want to close with today.
I will take the small cracks in time that made me feel happy (as every kid should) and keep them infinitely.
Those are true Childhood Dreams.
I awoke today at 4:58 ante meridiem to an aching Bladder and Sinuses that are making me feel as if I’m on the Tilt-a-whirl.
My Mind has now adjusted to my new Work Schedule, so like Clock Work, I open my eyes in darkness. *It’s not the first time I’ve been awake, preparing myself for my day when the World is still asleep.
But, nine months.
I paid my Rent for the first time with my paycheck from my current Job.
The mass decrease in finances is beyond a burden, but I have to, I will make it work.
I actually taught 10.88 Hours yesterday.
They needed me due to low Staff count, and I managed to pull through the other side from 6:30a.m-6:09p.m. *We have a Time Log System, so that’s why the clock accuracy.
I actually ran an errand after and made it home and did not lay down to rest my body until 7:46p.m.
But, I was restless. I could not calm my Mind. *I have not been using Guided Meditation as much due to my current Schedule and my mourning for my Cat.
So, I decided that I would enjoy an hour on the Screened Porch with left over Tea Candles from Halloween, cold bottles, and my two Cats.
The weather was still bearable for a night of watching people pass and thinking.
I did make it the hour, and decided to stay awake and watch a Film, Prozac Nation.
I have viewed it many many times before *since 2005/2006, but again was restless.
I didn’t finish the Film, instead jumping around on my Roku to my go-to Television Show (which has now been re-booted).
I am not sure what hour dragged my exhausted bones to bed, but I am tired.
I’m preparing for another Weekend alone. With two quick Grocery runs and catching up with major house cleaning.
A Co-Worker yesterday filled me in that we are “Work Friends.” I was in hope that I found someone in this town(s), but to my dismay,
I look at my reflection now *when I’m getting ready for Work, and I see someone I don’t recognize.
Maybe it’s the last 5.5 Months of everything that has occurred.
Maybe, it’s my Health
Maybe, it’s my loneliness.
Time is moving without me and I don’t understand why.