5:56 post meridiem.
I am so tired.
I slept for 6 hours yesterday *(only to be woken up my new neighbors yelling).
I decided to stay up until after 4:30a.m
A usual Friday Evening.
Watched a Movie, Hung out with my Cats *(another serious stress and choice I have to make), and went to sleep when dreams called.
I woke this morning, completed my ante meridiem routine, and came across something I posted two years ago to the date.
“Listen, Listen To Your Conscience.
She Is Alive Scorching With Desperation.
You Didn’t Make This Fire And You’ve Been Watching It Burn Thinking Of Your Future With One Foot Always In The Past.
You Know, You Must Leave, Leave And Return Home.
Don’t Watch Time Fly
Your Life Is On The Line.”
I was re-watching Thirtysomething at the time.
I was also going through something very painful, that I thought was impossible.
But, I made it through the other side, and now as I reflect/look back on that time in my life, I wasted so much of it.
Trying to keep together something that was never meant to be is infinitely a flaw of mine.
Relationships, Friendships, Family, and my Marriage.
During my Twelve O’Clock Therapy Session Today, This Was A Topic, a Point of Exposing, my Flaw, *(which in the end has only caused me a significant amount of pain, destruction, and loneliness).
It makes me feel sick that I gave myself away the way I did, trying over and over to make it all work, to make the other person happy/ok when in reality the person either was broken or just a lousy heart.
I listen to the 1:16 Instrumental opening of Hearts/Wires as I mull over the months I spent trying to even understand why I thought a person as my Twin Flame treated me the way he did.
Hours of tears pouring onto my pillow as I listened to songs that reached inside and made it worse.
As my Session came to an End today, I remembered the dreams I had, and felt myself *(physically ill), emotionally change.
My time is on the line, and I do not have the space anylonger for keeping two people together alive in heart and soul.
The reflection has to be self, and what future I have left.
There are ancient pieces inside me that must be opened and healed before I exit.
My goals, priorities, are still to be the best Educator, Writer, and Person I can be, but my Soul is mine only now. Thou shall never give again.
“Take your silver spoon and dig your grave. Wake up in the morning and see your sunrise loves to go down. Lousy lovers pick their prey but never cry outloud.” Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac
And yes, love is an Illusion. And, I know how to pick up my pieces now.