Home » Uncategorized » A Reflection Session

A Reflection Session

Another Weekend passed/past.

I awoke to sunlight and a cough deep that rattled my bones.

It took an hour for me to collect myself and get up to start a new round of Antibiotics *(That I had to pay Full-Price for).

I’ve taken this Antibiotic before, but it’s been awhile.

From what I remember in my clouded thoughts are the side-effects are not as severe as the latter Prescription.

So, I return to bed as the sun keeps blooming and I spilling with anxiety.

I had a Session yesterday with my Counselor *(Once a week now, sometimes, every other week, which is not ideal, but it has to be for now).

It was a rushed Session due to miscommunication, yet things inside were expressed.

I told my Counselor, time moved fast. Friday made it 4 weeks since my Cat passed away suddenly.

I can’t believe it. Still, that he passed and how time flies now without warning.

*I must have been dreaming because at some point I thought he was here last night.

We ended our Session with better transfer of words of next conversation.

It was after 4:30p.m, and I just wanted to rest before completing house chores, but I couldn’t.

Thoughts, worries, anxiety were together fighting for attention. *(I’m not used to so much Anxiety) I decided to do a load of Laundry and the heavy lifting, Catbox.

As my body was screaming at me, I kept thinking about how I paid 2 Grand *(The last of my Retirement Fund) on Friday.

As I am driving everyday, my Truck began to make these strange “knocking” sounds.

Last Saturday, I took it to the Garage I used in January, and the diagnosis: the Engine was done.

Over.

I need transportation now, so my Truck had to be repaired.

The Technician let me use a Shop Truck while my Truck was being ripped apart, gutted, so I could at least get to work.

Work.

I picked up my Truck 6 days later, only for the Technician to call me yesterday at 8:37 ante meridiem in regards to him not sure if a major bolt not being tightened on the Engine.

So, I had to take my Truck back in *(Was not planning on going anywhere until my 8p.m Grocery Pick-Up).

So, I re-calculated my day after the morning Garage check (The Technician did not tighten the bolt he referred to, which could have led to serious damage to the new Engine I just purchased).

I picked-up my Grocery Errand after then decided to find a Drive-Thru Starbucks.

I have not enjoyed Starbucks since early Summer of 2017.

I made it back, absorbing everything that occurred in the last 24 hours and how I wanted to plan/spend the rest of my Saturday.

Saturday.

As usual, the clock struck sunset and I was alone *(as I have been since late November), and I chose to finish watching Sid and Nancy.

There’s an obsession with this Movie now.

I know some of the Film reasons, but personal I feel that I can get lost while I’m watching and remember at the same time, my own life. Certain situations, College, my deceased best friend.

And before, I know it, the End Credits are rolling once again.

I didn’t want to sleep.

So, I started to view Winchester.

I know the Historical Facts and Story behind the House, and I don’t usually like new movies, but I wanted to stay awake, in the darkness of my own rented house.

As the movie played with my two favorite jar Candles burning, I was daydreaming about how I was able to sit on my Front Porch the evening before. Something I have not been able to do since October.

I layered up *(due to being sick) and watched my two Cats sit on the Window Ledge (separate ledges) and watch the night hours pass. *(We stayed out only for about forty minutes. The weather and me led us back in).

Yes, Two Cats.

The Friday before my Engine was done, I visited a place where I wanted to spend time with Cats that needed a home.

I continuously contemplated on/if I should Adopt.

I wanted a Brother for my other Cat who has never been a solo animal since I rescued him five years ago, and for myself.

I was not nor ever looking to replace my other Cat, but I missed having two Cats.

I filled out Paperwork with the thought it would take awhile and that I still have my Retirement Fund and Plans.

The very next sunrise, exactly at 10:04a.m,

*(Ironically, my Mobile was in my hand).

The call was in regards to the visit and Paperwork.

They asked me if I wanted to Adopt him.

In that very moment, I felt strange, lost, didn’t know how to make the choice.

Choice.

Strange because it happened all so fast.

Lost. I do not want to feel that I am replacing him. I still feel his presence. Everyday, I’m in mourning. In darkness, I cry.

He’s always with me.

I replied “Yes.”

On my way hours later to complete the Adoption/Rescue, my Engine was done. *(He was already with me in the Truck).

What was I supposed to be?

Take him back?

I actually thought about it the next day.

But, I can’t.

Now, it’s been almost eight days since he’s been here.

I’m still deciding on my Choice because he’s attacking my other Cat. It’s extreme when it happens.

But, in my strange world, he is already so attached to me. More than any Pet I’ve Adopted/Rescued. *(It started the day after I brought him home. He laid ontop of me and fell asleep. This is the kind of connection I’ve been looking for with the first Pet I Adopted when I was 19).

How can I just “Return” him?

As the unpleasant side-effects from my new Prescription begin, I look back at a piece of conversation yesterday with my Counselor.

I am alone.

I’ve tried to meet new people (especially in March), but nothing.

That’s how I see my new Furson.

He was alone *(He’s only 2.5 years old) for four months and prior to that they don’t know his history.

I wanted the rented house to feel alive again even though there is so much pain.

But, now losing the remainder of my Retirement Fund to major Truck repairs leaves me with once again,

Nothing.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: