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Girl Down

I tried.

I am Disabled.

Dysautonomia.

And I worked until I couldn’t get out of bed this morning.

I worked 8 Days *(March 26 to April 4).

9-6p.m

*(March 12-13 were Training, so 5 Hours. And March 23 I went in 2.5 Hours late due to my Cat’s passing).

Every day was becoming more and more demanding on my body.

Physically

And, mentally.

On Tuesday, April 3, I received a phone call on my 1 Hour lunch break at exactly 1:34p.m

It was the Vet. calling me with the Preliminary Results From The Necropsy.

We spoke for 16 Minutes and 27 seconds.

This Conversation took place in Public and on Speaker Phone.

I am not okay with the Results because I was right.

Now, I’m in a place more alone than ever since I moved here and I have no one.

No one to express my pain to.

No one to talk about how I feel about everything that has been occurring these last five months.

No one to hug and tell me I am not alone.

Just a hug, an embrace would help ease my sorrow.

Now, I tried to work/educate outside my home Full-Time *(Something, I have never done since I became Disabled).

Yesterday, was my body’s breaking point.

I was so sick, my chest was caving in most of the day, blood pooling, fatigue, weak

All of what Dysautonomia does to me, but heightened due to the stress from aniexty about work/Income then a sadness for my Cat’s passing, pushing me under.

I woke today at 6:15 ante meridiem knowing, feeling my body and mind can not continue.

But, now this leaves me with nothing.

It’s 9:46 now.

This cold and cloudy Thursday, and I should be at work.

I feel defeated, broken, lost.

I want to close my eyes and wake to my old Job/Career and my Cat sleeping next to me.

These are not things one asks for in material, fantastical, dreams.

These are existence, survival.

Life.

Every night tears flood my pillow as I beg for my Cat to come back, that I’m sorry.

It’s been almost two weeks (tomorrow) since his premature passing and I feel it happens every day when I wake up *(I found him where I put my feet on the floor every morning when I get out of bed).

I feel there is a stillness, permanent ache in this house now.

No Job/Income.

No Cat *(Yes, I have another Cat, but in eight months I have had to say Goodbye to two animals and my Cat was my shadow, my soul.

Me.


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