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Monthly Archives: April 2018

Illumination 29

Full-Moon Sunday.

If I did not have to rise at 4:30a.m, I would enjoy the view on my front porch with my Cats and a cold bottle.

Another Weekend past/passed.

Both Saturday and Sunday were me knocked down, bed-ridden.

Today, able to get some Laundry and Dishes completed.

Preparing for the up-coming week.

I think this is universal.

Sundays.

A day not for rest, but routines and check-points, so when we rise on Monday, we feel secure, ready.

Seems the Full-Moon has me all over today:

In Dreams, sickness, and messaging an old friend.

As the day continues on, I find myself re-starting my Antibiotic *(I stopped 5 Days ago due to the Side Effects. It was disrupting my being).

But, I need to beat this Infection. It’s been continuous since March 16.

I had 5 doses down before I had to stop, so hopefully what I have left will beat the infection.

If not, return to the Doctor again.

Sunset is in 47 minutes.

It’s strange when you have to find slumber in daylight.

But, I don’t mind my new Schedule.

I’ve Taught earlier then that *(Online) and as an Adjunct, I taught A.M Classes.

Once, I taught from 12:00a.m-7:50a.m

That was brutal.

That didn’t last very long. *(My body was not ready for it).

Return to

Full-Moon.

Nothing too unusual occurred (most Full-Moons bring so much energy or chaos to me).

Hopefully, my Dreams will be peaceful and I will wake with energy and well-being.

Happy Full-Moon.

Hearts, Flames, Sunsets

5:56 post meridiem.

Saturday Blues.

I am so tired.

I slept for 6 hours yesterday *(only to be woken up my new neighbors yelling).

I decided to stay up until after 4:30a.m

A usual Friday Evening.

Watched a Movie, Hung out with my Cats *(another serious stress and choice I have to make), and went to sleep when dreams called.

I woke this morning, completed my ante meridiem routine, and came across something I posted two years ago to the date.

“Listen, Listen To Your Conscience.
She Is Alive Scorching With Desperation.
You Didn’t Make This Fire And You’ve Been Watching It Burn Thinking Of Your Future With One Foot Always In The Past.
You Know, You Must Leave, Leave And Return Home.
Don’t Watch Time Fly
Your Life Is On The Line.”
Season 2

I was re-watching Thirtysomething at the time.

I was also going through something very painful, that I thought was impossible.

But, I made it through the other side, and now as I reflect/look back on that time in my life, I wasted so much of it.

Trying to keep together something that was never meant to be is infinitely a flaw of mine.

Relationships, Friendships, Family, and my Marriage.

During my Twelve O’Clock Therapy Session Today, This Was A Topic, a Point of Exposing, my Flaw, *(which in the end has only caused me a significant amount of pain, destruction, and loneliness).

It makes me feel sick that I gave myself away the way I did, trying over and over to make it all work, to make the other person happy/ok when in reality the person either was broken or just a lousy heart.

I listen to the 1:16 Instrumental opening of Hearts/Wires as I mull over the months I spent trying to even understand why I thought a person as my Twin Flame treated me the way he did.

Hours of tears pouring onto my pillow as I listened to songs that reached inside and made it worse.

As my Session came to an End today, I remembered the dreams I had, and felt myself *(physically ill), emotionally change.

My time is on the line, and I do not have the space anylonger for keeping two people together alive in heart and soul.

The reflection has to be self, and what future I have left.

There are ancient pieces inside me that must be opened and healed before I exit.

My goals, priorities, are still to be the best Educator, Writer, and Person I can be, but my Soul is mine only now. Thou shall never give again.

“Take your silver spoon and dig your grave. Wake up in the morning and see your sunrise loves to go down. Lousy lovers pick their prey but never cry outloud.” Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac

And yes, love is an Illusion. And, I know how to pick up my pieces now.

The Blooming Hour

3:28 post meridiem.

Sunday.

18° Celsius.

From My bedroom window, I see the wind.

Two Flags I have hanging on my porch are shining in the sunlight as the air moves then up and down *(The Flag on the left side of the porch always blows away onto the porch floor).

I could be sitting on my purple lawn chair *(built for a Child. I didn’t realize that until after I purchased it in 2014) with my two Cats (who would love the breeze), but I can’t.

I’m in bed with Antibiotics coarsing through me, Tachycardia, Blood Pooling, and overall feeling like shit.

I don’t have my Work Schedule yet, so my anxiety level is elevated to maximum torture.

When one is a “Routine” Person/Individual, or has been on a consistent Teaching Schedule, it’s extremely difficult to wait.

My Old Job. My Schedule was always prepared in advance. It had to be. *(Until late November 2017. And we already know how that story goes).

Now, that I’m Disabled, Routine is even more important. It gives me a purpose, a reminder that I am surviving in this.

New Job.

I got lucky.

Last Sunday, my Schedule was sent to me a little after 1p.m. *(Of course when my Truck is broken, unsafe to drive, Engine done).

But, even in all of that tragedy regarding my Truck and the incident between my Mother that same Sunday, I could relax.

I understand where all of this insecurity stems from.

When your Employer for five months erases you, then the Transition due to Construction at my current Job, anyone would feel uneasy about life, income.

But, I want just a piece of normalcy to return to my life.

A fraction of a Routine, so I can manage what is already depleting me *(My Disability).

I received my

New Schedule *(It was always a part of the Plan when I was hired on).

So, I have to be awake in 10 Hours.

While the sun is still blooming.

A Reflection Session

Another Weekend passed/past.

I awoke to sunlight and a cough deep that rattled my bones.

It took an hour for me to collect myself and get up to start a new round of Antibiotics *(That I had to pay Full-Price for).

I’ve taken this Antibiotic before, but it’s been awhile.

From what I remember in my clouded thoughts are the side-effects are not as severe as the latter Prescription.

So, I return to bed as the sun keeps blooming and I spilling with anxiety.

I had a Session yesterday with my Counselor *(Once a week now, sometimes, every other week, which is not ideal, but it has to be for now).

It was a rushed Session due to miscommunication, yet things inside were expressed.

I told my Counselor, time moved fast. Friday made it 4 weeks since my Cat passed away suddenly.

I can’t believe it. Still, that he passed and how time flies now without warning.

*I must have been dreaming because at some point I thought he was here last night.

We ended our Session with better transfer of words of next conversation.

It was after 4:30p.m, and I just wanted to rest before completing house chores, but I couldn’t.

Thoughts, worries, anxiety were together fighting for attention. *(I’m not used to so much Anxiety) I decided to do a load of Laundry and the heavy lifting, Catbox.

As my body was screaming at me, I kept thinking about how I paid 2 Grand *(The last of my Retirement Fund) on Friday.

As I am driving everyday, my Truck began to make these strange “knocking” sounds.

Last Saturday, I took it to the Garage I used in January, and the diagnosis: the Engine was done.

Over.

I need transportation now, so my Truck had to be repaired.

The Technician let me use a Shop Truck while my Truck was being ripped apart, gutted, so I could at least get to work.

Work.

I picked up my Truck 6 days later, only for the Technician to call me yesterday at 8:37 ante meridiem in regards to him not sure if a major bolt not being tightened on the Engine.

So, I had to take my Truck back in *(Was not planning on going anywhere until my 8p.m Grocery Pick-Up).

So, I re-calculated my day after the morning Garage check (The Technician did not tighten the bolt he referred to, which could have led to serious damage to the new Engine I just purchased).

I picked-up my Grocery Errand after then decided to find a Drive-Thru Starbucks.

I have not enjoyed Starbucks since early Summer of 2017.

I made it back, absorbing everything that occurred in the last 24 hours and how I wanted to plan/spend the rest of my Saturday.

Saturday.

As usual, the clock struck sunset and I was alone *(as I have been since late November), and I chose to finish watching Sid and Nancy.

There’s an obsession with this Movie now.

I know some of the Film reasons, but personal I feel that I can get lost while I’m watching and remember at the same time, my own life. Certain situations, College, my deceased best friend.

And before, I know it, the End Credits are rolling once again.

I didn’t want to sleep.

So, I started to view Winchester.

I know the Historical Facts and Story behind the House, and I don’t usually like new movies, but I wanted to stay awake, in the darkness of my own rented house.

As the movie played with my two favorite jar Candles burning, I was daydreaming about how I was able to sit on my Front Porch the evening before. Something I have not been able to do since October.

I layered up *(due to being sick) and watched my two Cats sit on the Window Ledge (separate ledges) and watch the night hours pass. *(We stayed out only for about forty minutes. The weather and me led us back in).

Yes, Two Cats.

The Friday before my Engine was done, I visited a place where I wanted to spend time with Cats that needed a home.

I continuously contemplated on/if I should Adopt.

I wanted a Brother for my other Cat who has never been a solo animal since I rescued him five years ago, and for myself.

I was not nor ever looking to replace my other Cat, but I missed having two Cats.

I filled out Paperwork with the thought it would take awhile and that I still have my Retirement Fund and Plans.

The very next sunrise, exactly at 10:04a.m,

*(Ironically, my Mobile was in my hand).

The call was in regards to the visit and Paperwork.

They asked me if I wanted to Adopt him.

In that very moment, I felt strange, lost, didn’t know how to make the choice.

Choice.

Strange because it happened all so fast.

Lost. I do not want to feel that I am replacing him. I still feel his presence. Everyday, I’m in mourning. In darkness, I cry.

He’s always with me.

I replied “Yes.”

On my way hours later to complete the Adoption/Rescue, my Engine was done. *(He was already with me in the Truck).

What was I supposed to be?

Take him back?

I actually thought about it the next day.

But, I can’t.

Now, it’s been almost eight days since he’s been here.

I’m still deciding on my Choice because he’s attacking my other Cat. It’s extreme when it happens.

But, in my strange world, he is already so attached to me. More than any Pet I’ve Adopted/Rescued. *(It started the day after I brought him home. He laid ontop of me and fell asleep. This is the kind of connection I’ve been looking for with the first Pet I Adopted when I was 19).

How can I just “Return” him?

As the unpleasant side-effects from my new Prescription begin, I look back at a piece of conversation yesterday with my Counselor.

I am alone.

I’ve tried to meet new people (especially in March), but nothing.

That’s how I see my new Furson.

He was alone *(He’s only 2.5 years old) for four months and prior to that they don’t know his history.

I wanted the rented house to feel alive again even though there is so much pain.

But, now losing the remainder of my Retirement Fund to major Truck repairs leaves me with once again,

Nothing.

A Vicious Light

10:38 post meridiem.

The house is dark with the exception of two glass candles and the ever remaining stove light.

Today, many many things went very wrong, but I can’t seem to shake the two dreams I had this early morning and 45 minute afternoon.

Why

Why do dreams of him enter my psyche when I hate him and he treated me beyond unkind.

I don’t understand many things anymore in my current existence

But, these two separate sleeping pictures were so intense, real *(as they always have been).

Most are vicious, angry like real life follows me to my silent place and I cannot even turn that off.

Our last real-life conversation was the worst between us.

The way he spoke to me, the words he chose to hurt me, belittle me so he could feel better about himself when indeed if he looked in the mirror it must be so easy for him to have no soul because if he did he would have never spoke to me in a manner of wretchness in times of and my life that are drowning without cause of something I did.

I just wish the dreams would end.

He was never who he pretended to be when we met.

So many words and feelings wasted.

Facade.

Family Consolation

Month 8.

I just realized I am 8 Days behind on my monthly Chapter.

I’m currently in bed beyond what someone could label sick *(Sinus And Ear Infection again).

It took 3 hours just to move to start my Medication again (Last night).

But, something else is going on.

I’ve had Tachycardia for 72 Hours now (very dangerous for someone like myself) and This Sinus/Ear Infection hit me like a wall around 7:00 post meridiem yesterday.

I woke yesterday morning, sick to my stomach. Took Ginger and an over-the-counter Medication.

I felt exhausted, but sick in a way that was alarming.

My Parents were supposed to come down (again).

We’ve been trying to make Plans since March 24, but Mother Nature decided to dump a blizzard where I live.

The following weekend, unfortunately, both my Parents were sick. *(I became sick later on the same day).

So, we planned for April 7.

Well, I had a week of hell at Work, was out on Thursday, received my Cat’s Ashes on Thursday evening, and Friday was a horrific day back at work.

My body cannot sustain much longer (physically), but I’m mentally a ghost.

So, return to yesterday morning. Was supposed to Educate (3 Classes), I could not (even Online).

My Disability was on fire and I just felt so beat-up, that I couldn’t.

I spoke with my Mother at 11:45 in sunlight, contemplating our Reschuduled Plans.

I was sad, angry that I was so consumed from the stress from my Job on Friday, and depleted by my Disability and Stomach Issues.

So, we spoke for 24 minutes, and I made the decision to weather my body’s storm and have then come and Visit *(It’s exactly 111 Miles between us).

They made it down about 2:45 post meridiem.

I had the Day Planned as I did on March 24.

But, tell me why, that particular Saturday I was feeling great. *(The day after my Cat passed away too).

So, I took them to the:

1. David Davidson Mansion Tour.

They actually really enjoyed it.

2. Picked Up Groceries I Had Ordered.

3. Then Took Them On A Tour Of The Town *(My Father was driving [a plus] and they have only been down here three times to visit [my Father Solo on 8/12/17 to help me unpack/put together my new place).

4. Then I surprised them with a Fancy Dinner (Grubhub) since it was after 6.

Then bam.

I feel like Death. Yes, my Disability is always at the starting gate, but my ears, sinuses, and body were in so much pain.

I was so depressed.

I just wanted to spend time with both of my Parents, whom I have not seen together since December 30, 2017.

I wanted to talk about my Job (I was able to tell my Mother over the morning conversation what had occurred on Friday), but I wanted to talk about my late Cat, their lives, catch-up as a Family does.(ESPECIALLY, after my tragic Birthday Weekend. Then I didn’t see them again for four months).

It shouldn’t have NEVER been like that. They are both sixty, working Full-Time(My Father still Manual Labor) and my Mother at a newer Employer that is stressful.

And Me.

Disabled.

No More Job/Income.

And now the Job I’m trying my best at is literally dismantling my Disability and Health.

So, the discussion was brought up again, that I most likely will have to return home.

Something I do not want.

But, what other options do I have?

After my Parents left,

I changed and listened to Guided Meditation while I was melting into my sheets.

I did not understand.

So, when I saw the Cellular Clock read 11, I forced every particle of myself to start my Second Round of Antibiotics *(That come with very unpleasant side effects).

I made it back into bed, opening my eyes at 2:20 ante meridiem and decided to crawl out of my shelter and take my other Medicaton and then a box of Orange Juice *(I bought a six pack when I began my new Job, knowing my Immune System would need Vitamin C).

Eyes opened again at 7:30 ante meridiem (I think once before, but I was so delirious), and again making my way to my Medication and Water with the very unpleasant side effects.

I have been awake since.

Tachycardia is one to blame.

I’m behind worrisome now.

I have to return to my Job tomorrow *(Schedule is day by day until Friday) and I literally do not know how I’m going to make it.

So, I’m going to rest my bones, my eyes, my mind.

I have my Clock set for Medication Times then prepare for the inevitable.

I am happy I did get to see/short visit with both of my Parents.

There’s been too much darkness in my Life and they have so much of their own afflictions, time is running out.

Girl Down

I tried.

I am Disabled.

Dysautonomia.

And I worked until I couldn’t get out of bed this morning.

I worked 8 Days *(March 26 to April 4).

9-6p.m

*(March 12-13 were Training, so 5 Hours. And March 23 I went in 2.5 Hours late due to my Cat’s passing).

Every day was becoming more and more demanding on my body.

Physically

And, mentally.

On Tuesday, April 3, I received a phone call on my 1 Hour lunch break at exactly 1:34p.m

It was the Vet. calling me with the Preliminary Results From The Necropsy.

We spoke for 16 Minutes and 27 seconds.

This Conversation took place in Public and on Speaker Phone.

I am not okay with the Results because I was right.

Now, I’m in a place more alone than ever since I moved here and I have no one.

No one to express my pain to.

No one to talk about how I feel about everything that has been occurring these last five months.

No one to hug and tell me I am not alone.

Just a hug, an embrace would help ease my sorrow.

Now, I tried to work/educate outside my home Full-Time *(Something, I have never done since I became Disabled).

Yesterday, was my body’s breaking point.

I was so sick, my chest was caving in most of the day, blood pooling, fatigue, weak

All of what Dysautonomia does to me, but heightened due to the stress from aniexty about work/Income then a sadness for my Cat’s passing, pushing me under.

I woke today at 6:15 ante meridiem knowing, feeling my body and mind can not continue.

But, now this leaves me with nothing.

It’s 9:46 now.

This cold and cloudy Thursday, and I should be at work.

I feel defeated, broken, lost.

I want to close my eyes and wake to my old Job/Career and my Cat sleeping next to me.

These are not things one asks for in material, fantastical, dreams.

These are existence, survival.

Life.

Every night tears flood my pillow as I beg for my Cat to come back, that I’m sorry.

It’s been almost two weeks (tomorrow) since his premature passing and I feel it happens every day when I wake up *(I found him where I put my feet on the floor every morning when I get out of bed).

I feel there is a stillness, permanent ache in this house now.

No Job/Income.

No Cat *(Yes, I have another Cat, but in eight months I have had to say Goodbye to two animals and my Cat was my shadow, my soul.

Me.