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The Pedagogue Melancholy Effect

After This Late Afternoon, I Know Where I Stand At The Company I’ve Dedicated Myself For 22 Months/7 Days A Week.

My COO made sure I don’t matter even in how passionate I am about Education and how devote I am even in Disability.

He made sure that I felt as if everyting I ever accomplished in the 22 Months is short of nothing and that everyone is struggling too even though he is a Millionaire (as well at the entire Student Body and Upper Management).

Thank You for trying to make me feel worthless when my life is crumbling, ripping at the seams, but you would never understand.

1. You’ve never been an Educator.

2. You’re extremely wealthy.

3. You’re not Disabled.

Remember that as you look at your soul.

Original Post:

February 10, 2018.

Good evening, after a very difficult time of life, I decided not to take my Medication that induces sleep and releases me from my Disability (partial to some at it’s finest release).

I chose to watch a Film I watched, (in segments the last view) ‘Children of a Lesser God.’

I made the decision to watch this film (I own it on Amazon Prime/Roku) because I am struggling with the fact I have been an Educator for twelve years now (even Post-Disability) and my current Position is bleeding me dry. *Also, in reflection. When I was ten, I had a friend, Jennie. She was Deaf. She taught me a lot of ASL. People tormented her and I had already been tortured myself, so we had a secret bond.

I remember, August 1, 2016, we launched Version 2.0 of our Work and as the Educator, I was stoked. Not just how many hours I was teaching (Average 45-52 Hours a Week/7 Days A Week), but what we had to offer to our Students. Then to watch them evolve and become Graduates and continue on to the University of their Dreams was not just a part of my Career but was subconsciously healing me (My internal emotional pain from my Disability).

My hard work extended into 2017 (7 Days A Week) all the way to late November of 2017. Performing at the top level among my colleagues (Performance Reviews), I felt I would remain in this Position forever.


It just stopped. As I have reiterated before, no reason, explanation, direction, just stopped.

Now, if one is unfamiliar with ‘Children of a Lesser God,’ (it was a Play first then adapted for the Screen by the Playwright, Mark Madoff.

James Leeds(William Hurt), The Speech Pathologist Teacher whose passion was to change how students were learning. He wanted his students to speak and have the chance to utilize both Speech and Sign Language as tools to communicate.

He was brilliant at it. He truly cared about his Profession as an Educator and his students lives.

I am the same.

I have given my life to my Career, and I am Disabled now, and I never stopped Teaching.

I can’t. *(Educators and Principals run in my Family/Maternal).

I can no longer teach in a physical Classroom, so my options are the 1% of the Academic Job Market.

I do not posses a PhD *(another dream of mine crushed), so I cannot Teach for major Universities Online.

But, I got lucky. I started with the Test Prep. world before I was Disabled, and that led me into a Full-Time Career again Online.

But, the way I have been treated these last three months, is burying me.

I wrote this a year ago:

Good Morning.
I’m Headed To My First Interview(45 Minutes) Since July 2016. It Saddens Me.
See You Soon Korea.

“I’m locked inside here
Want to stay
With people who aren’t here
All the way
The hurt doesn’t show
But, the pain still grows.
We were a Family.”

*There was an Incident at my Job (the only one I ever had) when I thought it was over by the way my COO and former Direct Boss spoke to me. **Within a Month, things normalized between myself and my former Direct Boss.

But, the second part of that Post is beyond painfully accurate today.

I know, no Job is guaranteed, but when One works as hard and is as dedicated as I am even with the lack of gratitude and now, financial crisis, it is pushing me into a position without future options.

I never left the Classroom. It left me.

Not my Students, but by people who have never been educators, guides and have never experienced the magnificence of changing someone’s life.

I still give my 100% everyday, but I’m losing the pedagogical race from the Capital war.

And it’s killing me.


How will they remember me?

I hope they know

I gave a piece of my heart to every Class I’ve ever taught since 2006.

Even in Disability.

Teacher of a Lesser God.


  1. Amanda wathen says:

    Moving. I wish there were more teachers out there who gave their all and their heart like you do.
    Thank you for your service.
    I am going to keep reading.
    Sending love to you and tears for your disease.

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