You were the one Jon.
I know that now, and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.
Jij was de ware. Niet alleen mijn beste vriend, maar die ene. Ik vind het jammer dat ik je heb laten gaan. Voor altijd.
Friday night. 7:50p.m. In-bed with Tachycardia, Dehydration, Slight Fever, Oh And A Colon Manifested With Pain.
A Lot Of Vomiting And Usage Of Facilities Today Due To My Wretched Colon.
Exhausted From Lack Of Sleep (I have not slept for more than eight hours straight, interrupted since July 2016), Work, Chronic Illnesses, Dysautonomia(my Disability), and well, Life.
Existence: “The fact or state of living or having objective reality.” Dictionary
I played a lot today with my existing Nostalgia, when I wasn’t bleeding from inside out.
I remembered a time in my life, College, University, Uni, whatever you call it, I call it some of the happiest and darkest times of my-self.
But, Nostalgia is not necessarily sadness. For me, it brings me a few moments of peace in my decaying present.
So, Friday Nights from 2001-2003, mostly in epic proportion with friendship, music, laughter, and oh yes, drinking. I could out drink them all. 🙂 *(I had a Rule as an Undergraduate, “No drinking during the week.” In 3 years, I broke my rule ONCE).
I thought about my Best Friend Jon. How much admiration and respect he gave among our tangled friendship. (He loved me. I did not).
We walked the same path in College, working hard, partying hard. Metal Heads. Ethnic. Gym Rats. Simpático.
He was my protector, my confidant. He was Jon. I will say there were at times magic between our eyes (Elizabeth Taylor is not the only one with true Amethyst Irises).
Even after a bottle of Jack Daniels (6’4″ Dutch Guy could kill a bottle of Jack and still walk five miles) his smile could still tear me apart. As I, a case of Coors Light.
We would just talk. Drink yes, talk more. It was easier to…, I had a Single Dorm. Yes, Metal in the background. That was a must. Korn, Slipknot, System of a Down, Pantera to name a few favorites.
We both had secrets, sorrow, and this gave our Friendship the foundation we both needed. He shared many personal heartaches, family melancholia, almost a tortured soul. He liked the fact I was a different type of girl, a girl who didn’t mind when he had guys night instead of partying in 1040 Higgins Hall (My Dorm, which was Imploded on July 1, 2017. I was there for it. *He lived in Higgins Hall as well. Fourth Floor. Aka The Zoo it was called). He liked the fact I didn’t cry everytime I drank (NEVER) or need him to hold my hair so I could puke in the hallway (NEVER). He enjoyed it when I could sing like a Metal Head (I was in a Metal Band before College) and know every lyric by memory and heart.
Not your average College Girl by far. Maybe that’s why he loved me. I was unattainable.
And I look back now, and I regret that.
But, those were my issues, my pain, my destruction.
I didn’t know how to love him back. And this something that eats away at what’s left of my own heart.
Present: “Existing or occuring now. The period of time now occurring.” Dictionary
We have not spoken to eachother since 2012. His Wife will not let him maintain any sort of contact/Friendship with me. *They met in College when he began his Master’s Program, ironically I was attending mine too. He left his Program without Graduating, I stayed and received my first M.A as that was the last time I saw him.
Many. If I could love you back, I think we would have ended up together. It was a Destiny not fulfilled. And when Destiny is interrupted by failure, souls are lost forever.
Friday Nights. How you have changed.