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Midnight Colors

Something shook me. I open my eyes. Darkness, cold. I look at my mobile clock, 12:42 ante meridiem.

Shit, I’ve been in slumber for five hours. Not my plan. *I did get to the Shoveling I was dreading earlier, but everyting was so frozen I could only clean the back staircase, walk way and stairs that lead to the sidewalk. I salted the Driveway and sidewalk leading back up to the staircase. The Salt looked like grinded up kosher salt, so I hope it works today.

My Tux was talking as I adjusted my eyes and pissed I slept that long.

Yes, I got Vacuuming, Dishes, and the bit of Shoveling completed, but I didn’t complete and work. *There has been a reason why I have slowed down at my very Part-Time Job. One, the amount of Work I finished from 1/3-1/14 was extreme (in a good way), but the pay was insulting. I know I have to get back in the game, but it’s as if I try and it still equals a failure.

Now, back to my epic nap.

Partially responsible?

Medication. I only took 1.5 MG and as I stated before, My Tolerance has become abstract(Feb. 4, 2018).

So, after getting up to see the ruckus my Tux was making, I took a 2MG to stabilize my insomnia and Disability.

I don’t like losing time to useless sleep.

And that’s what it is.

There is no reason to sleep from 7:28p.m-12:42a.m

Things could have been accomplished, but the way my Health was today, fucking impossible.

Now, it’s 2:15 in the morning.

My alarm sets to go off in 7.45 Hours, and I know the 2MG will have zero affect or effect (which means I’ll be sick tomorrow), so I have to occupy my mind to slow it down.

Too much reflection and sickness today, which in the last 2.5 Months have triggered great stress and anxiety(something I’m not accustomed to battling).

Also, the Anniversary of my TAH is 24 Hours. This date used to haunt me to the point of debilitation. I would take the day off from Teaching and do something nice for myself (usually a Pedi), but having a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy at the age of 23 can no longer compare to 03302015, the date I became Disabled.

Even when my Job was solid, I still couldn’t do anything nice for Myself.

Pedicures are out.

In 2016, I had multiple (partial) amputations on both feet.

This is due to Dysautonomia and having to wear Compression Stockings everyday.

Last year: 2/13/17, I taught 6 Classes. Kept my mind active, and that I couldn’t do anything for myself.

2/13/16, fell on a Saturday, but I was already Disabled, so nothing.

2/13/15. I was combating the Staphylococcus Infection (going on Month 5), I couldn’t get out of bed. *(The Staph Infection would ultimately lead to a major part of my Disability).

Now, as I look at the hourglass of this haunting anniversary, I haven’t taken the day for myself since 2/13/13.

I guess you can’t always get what you want no matter how much suffering you endure.

Lights out. No dreams waiting.

Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
Watch lights fade from every room.
Bedsitter people look back and lament
Another day’s useless energy is spent.” The Moody Blues

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