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Burden Of Vice 

Dedicated To:
Gia Marie Carangi 

1960-1986

“Like my world

I’m on fire

I’m full of desire yeah

No more preachin on your part

[…]

And you can call me names

Oh oh yeah

And nothings gonna change the way I feel

And no ones gonna slow my gentle groove

[…]

And nothings gonna take the power away

And no ones gonna change the way I feel

No way

And no ones gonna slow my gentle groove

Till kingdom come

The work is done.” MLB
What does it mean to have a Vice, a Burden, a Devotion?

Gia had it easy.  A Career given to her, and she threw it all away with her burden and vice.

I do not feel empathy.  She chose to self-destruct and contract AIDS (something I cannot even begin to discuss as someone who has been sick from the beginning of my time here and now Disabled)
My answer?

Devotion.

Even then at eight, I was that sad.  I suffered deeply from Chronomentrophobia and Men. I think those go hand and hand you know.  Time was erasing my childhood due to what grown men had done to me. With that first moment, I knew I was in trouble.  It runs deep.  But, I could never imagine the devotion would last thirty years.

A burden carries over into Career, Relationships, Family.  This has never been my experience.  

Vice is such an overrated term today.  The original concept of suffering from a serious vice has been weakened by pathetic excuses for unnecessary social impairment  i.e Videogames, Social Media.

A Devotion takes such an effort it literally is all that matters no matter the circumstances i.e Disabled.  

Circumstances: no work, no income, Disabled, Chronic Health Issues Progressing, I am on fire. And the Bridge above the Train Lines are visible from my kitchen windows.  

I can just slip out the back door, walk the 1,000 feet or so, follow the broken pavement to the half-moon bridge and there would be no more circumstances.

And NOONE can take that power away from me.

It takes Devotion to kill yourself.  I survived all four attempts (wasn’t supposed to at 17.  Doctors still baffled).  

Gia chose Heroin and her ultimate mistake, to use a contaminated needle to continue her burden of vice.  

Fucking Stupid.

If I had $2,000-$3,000 to spend (that was her daily habit) I could afford not to lose my house, my cats, and pay my Health Insurance that I need desperately.

This is why Devotion is not the same.

I have sincerely struggled and suffered from tragedy since my fractured childhood, but I kept going even surviving the savage God, Suicide x4.

But, in 2008, my devotion became more than me.  My life then, Ex-husband Deployed again to Iraq, I was driving 190 miles a day to my Job, My Chronic Health Problems failing, and I was (literally) alone in that small Texas town.  

Fast-Forward to 2012. He had been back from Afghanistan for a year, stationed in Hawaii as I returned to the Mid-West.  My body, sick.  New Chronic Health Problems.  But, I was a successful Adjunct Instructor with a terrible secret, Devotion.

No one ever suspected, knew my pain.

Gia let everyone around her feel her soul.  She never hid her burden of vice. And no one gave a shit.  

Even at her Funeral, not one individual from her world (Modeling) attended.  How empty is that?

This is why my Devotion remains inside.  I wouldn’t call it a secret (my Parents know as my former Therapist from December 2015-March 2017). 

The thing Gia and I do carry is it only continues to grow when you’re broke as in financial hell.  Being Disabled with no Income is an equation for my Devotion to make a killing.

And no one can change that.


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