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Burden Of Vice 

Dedicated To:
Gia Marie Carangi 


“Like my world

I’m on fire

I’m full of desire yeah

No more preachin on your part


And you can call me names

Oh oh yeah

And nothings gonna change the way I feel

And no ones gonna slow my gentle groove


And nothings gonna take the power away

And no ones gonna change the way I feel

No way

And no ones gonna slow my gentle groove

Till kingdom come

The work is done.” MLB
What does it mean to have a Vice, a Burden, a Devotion?

Gia had it easy.  A Career given to her, and she threw it all away with her burden and vice.

I do not feel empathy.  She chose to self-destruct and contract AIDS (something I cannot even begin to discuss as someone who has been sick from the beginning of my time here and now Disabled)
My answer?


Even then at eight, I was that sad.  I suffered deeply from Chronomentrophobia and Men. I think those go hand and hand you know.  Time was erasing my childhood due to what grown men had done to me. With that first moment, I knew I was in trouble.  It runs deep.  But, I could never imagine the devotion would last thirty years.

A burden carries over into Career, Relationships, Family.  This has never been my experience.  

Vice is such an overrated term today.  The original concept of suffering from a serious vice has been weakened by pathetic excuses for unnecessary social impairment  i.e Videogames, Social Media.

A Devotion takes such an effort it literally is all that matters no matter the circumstances i.e Disabled.  

Circumstances: no work, no income, Disabled, Chronic Health Issues Progressing, I am on fire. And the Bridge above the Train Lines are visible from my kitchen windows.  

I can just slip out the back door, walk the 1,000 feet or so, follow the broken pavement to the half-moon bridge and there would be no more circumstances.

And NOONE can take that power away from me.

It takes Devotion to kill yourself.  I survived all four attempts (wasn’t supposed to at 17.  Doctors still baffled).  

Gia chose Heroin and her ultimate mistake, to use a contaminated needle to continue her burden of vice.  

Fucking Stupid.

If I had $2,000-$3,000 to spend (that was her daily habit) I could afford not to lose my house, my cats, and pay my Health Insurance that I need desperately.

This is why Devotion is not the same.

I have sincerely struggled and suffered from tragedy since my fractured childhood, but I kept going even surviving the savage God, Suicide x4.

But, in 2008, my devotion became more than me.  My life then, Ex-husband Deployed again to Iraq, I was driving 190 miles a day to my Job, My Chronic Health Problems failing, and I was (literally) alone in that small Texas town.  

Fast-Forward to 2012. He had been back from Afghanistan for a year, stationed in Hawaii as I returned to the Mid-West.  My body, sick.  New Chronic Health Problems.  But, I was a successful Adjunct Instructor with a terrible secret, Devotion.

No one ever suspected, knew my pain.

Gia let everyone around her feel her soul.  She never hid her burden of vice. And no one gave a shit.  

Even at her Funeral, not one individual from her world (Modeling) attended.  How empty is that?

This is why my Devotion remains inside.  I wouldn’t call it a secret (my Parents know as my former Therapist from December 2015-March 2017). 

The thing Gia and I do carry is it only continues to grow when you’re broke as in financial hell.  Being Disabled with no Income is an equation for my Devotion to make a killing.

And no one can change that.

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