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The Grind Show

Month Three.

Nothing’s really changed.  I have added a few small pieces of furniture but no guests to see it.
Struggle.  That has been the word of these past two months.

Struggling with Someone so toxic it was dismantling my own life.  I was becoming so detached from his abuse, my ancient Trauma was flooding me with the past. It was exhausting and unravelling. *As I was working today, I noticed a completely random Kohl’s Receipt on the Floor, just lying there with purpose. I knew the receipt was from our Weekend Vacation.  On my Break, I picked it up, and saw the date.  Yep.  That’s the receipt.  Why was it just there, a reminder of a time between him and I that was calm?  In eighth Months that was the only Weekend that worked between us.

Struggling with what occurred during my Birthday Weekend and the continuous death of Family.  The communication is at a one percent. And, I know this time, it will remain like this forever. And I don’t mind.  Anymore.

Struggling from losing Health Insurance due to my Ex-Husband’s serpentine heart, terminating  my Coverage when he is quite aware of my Disability and Declining Health (This includes Signing Documents behind my back, which infuriates me to the point of no return.  I was the ONLY person there for him during his Three Deployments and all of the pain that comes attached to the return from War with no Family (but Me).

Struggling with moving even further away with what little support I had is slowly vanishing.  And due to the fact I educate seven days a week, there is no time for finding anybody out there.

Struggling with new and advanced Health Problems, on my own.  This is not a new concept, but with my current outrageous (and expensive) Health Insurance and waiting months for Tests is causing my Disability to drain and progress.  

It’s all beyond comprehensible.
How am I supposed to just be (within my Disabled self) with constant day to day extreme chaos I call struggles?
Happiness must be something unattainable let alone stability and contentment.  

I’m suffocating and losing the will to keep continuing the survival of it all.

The real question is, why should I?  

“I watched a change in you.                                                           It’s like you never had wings.”   Deftones 

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