I woke with a purpose today. Even on three hours of sleep. But, that purpose has already moved on.
The physical pain I am in is so wretched, I just want to Sleep, but due to Daylight Savings Time, my Schedule is pushed back an hour.
That’s fine. I used to Teach starting at 5:30a.m for a month straight (up to 14 Classes a Day). That Job seems so long ago. Everything does post Dysautonomia. *(That Job was in 2015).
My worries have become anxiety. A feeling and concept I had as a child-adolescent. Then mid-teens to early twenties. Then. It just faded.
Anxiety: “A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.” Mayo Clinic
I would stand in-front of the mirror making sure my ponytail had no “bumps.” If it did, I couldn’t go to school (in my mind). I saw my reflection and all I did was worry. I was eleven. This cannot be normal.
Now. Anxiety seems like a partner. It’s always there. Sometimes more present then I consciously recognize.
I think it’s also depression mixed in with my battle with insomnia and my demons.
My Disability will forever keep me down, but there is something else inside.
My ten minute reminder for Work just scrolled across (It’s not that I’m forgetful, it’s just apart of the Schedule I use).
Strange. I have a six hour break today (a few Cancellations), and I have set my mind to sleep.
I will use Guided Meditation (I have access to new Meditations in Sets/Series, and I will try my best to truly Meditate then Relax to Sleep.
But, I know from the physical pain I’m experiencing now, and the anxiety that corses my veins will give me limited time to be free.
I completed my morning tasks (Educating, Dishes, Laundry started, and Medication).
I’m on my (rare) long break now.
I feel so ill (strangely after drinking Evian for Breakfast. I used to drink 1.5 Liters of Evian Water a day for a year, and I stopped consuming it due to moving and not having the luxury of finding it in Liters). My stomach is in IBS knots, I’m sweating as if I’m breaking a fever, and my usual Disability pains.
How do I relax let alone sleep?
My Cats are quietly fighting as I am once again filled with anxiety.
I can’t even drink water now without becoming sick to the point of exhaustion.
All I can put into imagery is number of hours of work, picking up Groceries tonight, and my Appointment tomorrow (I saw the MRI Images on Friday. It was horrific).
My eyes are heavy and I’m screaming in silence “Is there anybody out there?”
As soon as I started to drift (on my own) my Boss messages me: I’m losing another 8 Hours this month and discussed the ‘Why’ of cancellations. *My Schedule is still empty for the Month of December.
See what I mean.
How to remain within all of this is impossible.