Nothing to report there. Blank page as always.
Started educating at 7:30 ante meridiem. On about 4.5 hours of what is defined as sleep. Had an 11:30a.m Meeting (Class before was moved to tomorrow) then 4 Hours of down-time before returning to my work clock.
I started a new style of Meditation.
It’s NOTHING like the Traditional Buddhist Meditation I was taught and practiced since I was 22.
It makes me sleep. Strange.
Buddhist Meditation is hard on the mind (and body at times).
This new Meditation is Guided, but it’s not centralized around the concept of any particular Faith (Buddhism).
I’ve Completed most of the ‘Weekly Themes’ that are offered, but there is one Guided Meditation I have found that literally flies me to dream.
Meditation is not supposed to be a support system for failure to sleep.
But, I find myself at peace (good) but more exhausted (bad) when I return to work.
The Specific Meditation is titled: Keeping Balance. It’s a sixteen minute complete Guided Meditation, yet transforms me into miles away from all my pain.
Today: I reflected on my 20 year old self (Something Buddhists do).
The Reflection took place exactly 17 years ago, me at 20, working at an RV Store, attending a Community College (I had already been excepted to other Universities but time before would not allow me to attend).
I was bored with my life, giving up (again) wanting more, to move on.
A familiar theme that would take over my life.
I hated my Job at the RV Store, I loathed the town I lived in (and with my family), and yearned to get started again with my Academic Career.
Instead, I opened at 8:30a.m and usually worked to 5:30p.m, headed ‘home,’ and and waited for my friend Chris to call so he could take me out of my misery.
I used to love the sound of his F-150(minus that it’s a Ford). That sound meant an adventure was awaiting us outside our tired lives.
Chris and I met at the only Class I was taking that Fall Semester, ENG. 101/ Composition.
We hit it off well. Both Metal Heads, Working Dead End Jobs, Taking this ridiculous Class and living with family.
He knew how to make me forget where I was and reminded me of where I needed to be.
This involved a lot of pot consumption and long rides on I-55. (I actually got in and lied down in the metal utility cabinet that was attached to his truck’s flatbed). ON THE INTERSTATE.
Places like the I & M Canal were another infamous hang out or Papa’s Pizza (different town then we both resided in).
Extra Large Pizza, Fried Mushrooms, And Pitchers of Soda.
We would just talk.
He missed his life in Florida, Family Friends, weather.
His sadness was worn on his sleeve and be never hid his emotions (we were not in that kind of Relationship, so I found it refreshing that a 18 year old guy could be open like that).
I just vented about my ridiculous job and being stuck. I never revealed who I really was.
I just wanted out. I was burying myself in constant highs then anger then sadness.
When I woke abruptly from my Keeping Balance Practice, I thought, I’m in the exact same place.
Now, Disabled, so I can’t never get out.
Teaching 7 Days A Week (for almost fifteen Months now), Hours are down, I’m killing myself, living in a town I have already grown to dislike, and currently experiencing new health problems.*(I actually will be in the Hospital tomorrow morning before I Educate).
As I’m preparing for my next Class, I would say
This is what I want:
To cook again, drive, and not have to kill myself over financial support.
Now, I lay, broken after educating then heavy cleaning (C-2-C-5 and my Back are literally crumbling).
The Sun is down. Darkness has set in and I’m no where near a peace of mind that is sleep.
I’m forbidden to ever live a normal continuous existence again.