Another Sunday Started Off Wrong.
I Wake Up Hours Before My Alarm With A Pounding Sinus Headache, Chest Pains Due To My Disability And The Unknown, And Exhausted As If I Had No Slept In Centuries.
I Have To Teach Six Classes Today. *I already began that part of my day.
I Try My Best To Fall Back Asleep Knowing That Sound That Bell Chiming To Stir Me From A Perfect REM Cycle Will Come Too Soon.
And It Did.
I Was Dreaming First Of John Stamos And How He Told Me He Was Dating Jodie Sweetin. I Said Ok. She’s My Friend I Would Never Step Out Of Bounds In A Relationship. We Hung Out At A House Made Of Glass With A White Structure. The House Was Underneath What Looked Like Weeping Willows Or Maple.
I Was Supposed To Be On A Date With Ming Tsai. I Was Late. Panicking He Would Cancel Or Worse Never Speak To Me. My Mother Kept Interuppting Me Via Telephone And As I Was Rushing Through A Crowd, Not Dressed For The Occassion, There He Was, Smiling, Looking Directly At Me.
I Open My Eyes. Literally In Pain. I Couldn’t Move.
Continue From Sunday.
I Am So Beyond Sick Today, I Can’t Even Walk.
Yesterday Was Frightful. Yes, I Taught All My Classes. But Did Not Get To My Other Job. I’m Falling Behind And I Feel I Will Never Make It.
Return To Dreams.
On Sunday I Had A Break In Between Classes, And I Did Some Meditation. I Fell Asleep After As If I Never Slept Before. (I have not slept for more then eight hours straight since July 2016). Again another dream. This time, Costa Ronin. He and I were dating, seriously. He was funny , a gentleman. The dream felt like time slowed down (something I am begging for). I awoke to my alarm to return to work.
I kept thinking, why am I dreaming of famous people? Unusual for me. Especially, the content: Relationships.
*I received an email this morning. John Stamos got engaged. So, I am predicting the future again, just never mine.
I think the best dream interpretation was with Costa Ronin.
I do find him attractive. I think he’s an amazing attribute to the television series The Americans. But, It’s something else.
He’s Russian. I’m part Russian. We’re both Soviet Era Russians. We Both grew up in other places, countries, cultures. His features are not typical Slavic but more Mediterranean with Russian ways. He’s tall (something I do not like in men).
2:50 a m.
My usual battle, war with sleep.
This time, 3 hours and now awake among the dead.
I know my body no longer knows how to sleep without vices But I need it. Sleep. I can do without the dreams because that’s all they ever really are.*Unless it’s premonition season.
Maybe It’s the unsettling medical news (I’m taming the word) I received or the pressure of my new job or not enough financial means
Being locked away, tormented by my personal demons and people who are demons.
I am tired.
I Remember reading
Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen in one day. I need to start reading again. I have books waiting for me.
But, my life post 03302015, is just not meant to be I am not the same and I have to work 7 Days a week to keep my head above it all still drowning from the continuous pain I experience.
All the Valium in this World couldn’t save me. I guess I’m meant to suffer even beyond my Disability And 15 other Health Conditions.
My Alarm is set to sound in 5 Hours. I will remain in a constant state of twilight as the sun rises and again, Exhaustion will bury my day.
But, I want to see the World, in daylight (something I rarely experience any more)
Let’s see if my body will let me as I know my mind will not.