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The Vanishing Kind

Originally Posted:

July 10, 2017.

It began 

April 1, 2017.  

Second time

June 5, 2017.

The last

July 10, 2017.

Why did I let this happen?

He came back, swerving like a snake, manipulating me once more with his tears and false pain. *Even managing to destroy what was left of my already sorrowful Birthday weekend. And after 17 days of not speaking, he continues to verbally assault me on a Social Media Platform.

Nine months of verbal and emotional torture?  In Disability, Charges, Heartache, Violated. 

It seems manifested from a dream as now the reality night shades pulls the sadness back over my soul.  

I have been far removed from this situation (for many reasons).

I loved him.  Even when he was inpatient with my Dysautonomia or my progressiveness as a Woman.  

I watched him become more withdrawn, delusional and I never understood.  

I was faithful, honest, giving him my soul in our future commitment as husband and wife. *That was NEVER going to happen.  His insecure soul could never let him trust as his delusions ran his heart.

This all still stands true.

But, now I’m remembering all of the times I tried beyond my physical and emotional capacity.

I remember the first time I cooked him dinner.   He didn’t even wait for me to sit down.  He devoured his food like an animal (He has absolutely no manners) as we watched his favorite movie, Jaws.

All at my house.  

Everything, at my house.  (Minus the two times I drove to a dingy motel (where Sexual Assault took place) once when I took him on a Weekend Vacation to one of the most iconic and swankiest Hotels in the Country).

*That was when he chose to let me pay for EVERYTHING, even though I couldn’t afford to.
Now, I have been educated.  

He has Major Psychosis.

He has never been treated, but diagnosed by multiple Psychologists.

So What do I do when I am trying to fill the holes inside from my own pain, but in return all that I got was:

Psychosis:

“Behavioral: disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, hostility, hyperactivity, hypervigilance, nonsense word repetition, repetitive movements, restlessness, self-harm, social isolation, lack of restraint, or persistent repetition of words or actions

Cognitive: thought disorder, confusion, belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, belief that thoughts aren’t one’s own, disorientation, memory loss, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, thoughts of suicide, unwanted thoughts, or difficulty thinking and understanding

Mood: anger, anxiety, apathy, excitement, feeling detached from self, general discontent, limited range of emotions, or loneliness.”

The DSM-5.

These behaviors were active on a regular basis.  I knew something was wrong with him, but I thought he was just Depressed.   But, the shift in his manic psychosis episodes became more aggressive. Attacking me verbally and emotionally many times while under the influence of alcohol. *He would end up in a severe car accident, not remembering anything until I put his pieces back together (as I always did). *He broke into my Mobile Phone, literally copied everything off of it.  He called my Doctor and asked to meet him because he thought we were having an Affair.  He called my current Landlord after he took photos of my Lease.  And the killer, he called my Ex-Husband.  

Now, I look back at how he found me, not once but twice. It can be called ‘Destiny,’ but these emotion particles have become truths of nothing.  

Not on or in my Journey.

My holes of loss have only grown into infinite depths of eternal suffering.

I just wanted love.

Instead I slowly drowned inside his misery, delusions, abuse.


Not anymore.

I cannot fix what is already broken.

Maybe one day when you are ready, and you build your mind and have a strong heart, don’t come find me.

Goodbye.


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