I’m Educating, Teaching 9 Hours Today (would have been 10, but a Student in Venezuela needed his Class Rescheduled).
During the 2017 Calendar Year, I have taken off 8 days. *Four for two Surgeries. 1 Personal (Dysautonomia Anniversary). 1 Semi-Personal, to watch my Undergraduate Dorm being Imploded. 1 to move(that was the last day). The other day was a mistake, but we live and learn. *(For my Ex’s Birthday. My Birthday was ten days ago, and the last thing he said to me was Goodbye Kurva(whore) after pretending to celebrate my Birthday).
I put on Mr. Mister as I wait for my next Class. Songs to keep me in reflection as I am dealing with circumstances no one should have to experience.
The Summer of 1993. I was a latch-key kid, so home alone, with a Volunteer Job at the local Public Library.
Everyday, I had a Routine:
I would wake up, make a 32 ounce Ice-Tea, watch The Price Is Right (man I was good at calculating the Showcases) then a quick snack, always the same: Jalapeno Nacho Cheese Sauce with Tortilla Chips, get ready for the Young and the Restless. There was my escape. At twelve years old, I understood Adult Relationships, love, pain. There were two Characters: Danny Romalotti and Brad Carlton each giving my young soul an opportunity to know what kind of woman I wanted to be.
Danny was this Rocker, didn’t quite fit into the shows bourgeoisie of Characters. Like me, I was a loner. He dated this beautiful blonde Attorney that obviously was not a match, but I thought cool this guy is a musician and lived among people who judge him and he still keeps going, his heart alive.
Brad was a Business Man (originally casted as a Gardener, right). Brad was dark, sometimes borderline between good and evil. His ambitions what were I liked (and the fact he was the most beautiful man on day-time television at that time). He fought hard, always defending himself. Also, somewhat a loner, wander. He had many relationships during his run on the show, but nothing in comparison to Danny and Cricket.
Maybe that’s why I was drawn to him. What really matters in life? Love?
I knew then, We design our own lives. A part of this design is love. It is not natural to our being. Love creates manipulation, power, and most of all, misery. All that is left are regrets. Why chose to design our lives already broken?
I want peace, freedom Contentment for my Soul. You will never change my mind. That’s my design. I want to end in solo creativity.
Now, fast forward.
My last Relationship ended (for the fourth time) due to abuse. We were never ok together, but as I do, I stay to see if the heart fixes what’s inside. To only be left with my own pain deeper, further from self or any type of peace. *When you can count the days on one hand when you were genuinely happy, this is not natural or compatible.
As a Character on a show, I have been written off from the same storyline.
My ending: Almost occurred on Christmas Morning 2016: I’m lying in my Grand King Hotel Room inside the MGM Grand. The view from our 13 Floor Window is spectacular. I can see the Grand Canyon and the Strip.
But, that’s about all I can see.
Dysautonomia has proven to infinitely ruin me, my dreams, my life.
There are no good moments left for me.
Instead, I see myself jumping out the window, but I’d rather die somewhere else. (Preferably, Sicily).