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Holding Back The Years

I’m in such great sadness.  I never thought the last time I would see you, would be your grave.

I said Goodbye to you today (almost 11 months after your death, your Suicide).

As every month past and passed, the seasons changed, I kept telling my Heart that I needed to let go. Many nights, crying as I replayed that entire week before your death.

After November, my time was consumed by abuse and me being stuck.  As I wrote to you before on your seven month death anniversary: *You would be so ashamed of where I am at. Giving in, tortured by someone else’s pain who sees me as a dishonest painful Woman, individual, Soul.  And as I uncover my mirror you know that’s Far from all truth.

I spent fifty minutes with you today. Crying in all black as I pulled up and could see your Monument.  I couldn’t breathe.  I have never wept inside a cemetery before.  And how I found you, yes I called the Memorial and they told me approximately where you are buried, but I have never been there and driving with my Disability is wretched, but I followed her directions but the rest was as if you led me to you.

I told you today, I was sorry for not being able to come to the Funeral or to see you sooner.  I played our song, I talked about what’s been happening and how I have to leave this town and will never return.  I apologized for not bringing flowers, so I left my faux pearl necklace hanging on an Angel in front of your tomb (someone left a similar necklace on a Cross on the right side of your Monument).  I asked if you were at peace wherever you are and to look after your Son and Family.  I cried as I spoke about our Friendship, how you were my only friend in this town, my Best Friend and how I miss you everyday.  I thought about you underground (I know what happened at the Funeral Home) I cried and said I was sorry they did that to you. I gently touched the black marble as I looked at your picture and what is engraved next to that infamous smile. The years, showing how young you were (26). 

I didn’t want to leave, but I told you I had to go back to work.  I told you I loved you as I kissed my hand and put it across your picture and held it there as I wept and said Goodbye for the last time.

I walked away and as I got into my truck I looked back and cried.  *A grounds keeper asked me if I was leaving as if our time was over.

On the drive home (A home I have left for 48 hours), I thought about my own Suicide Attempts and what if that was me.

Would people come visit me?  Leave behind memories?  Talk to me?

Vaellaz, I’m sorry it took me almost 11 months to visit you and say my peace, my last Goodbye.

My Soul is better that I did.  

I cannot bring you with me when I leave here.

I will always miss you and love you, but the Pain must remain behind.

“Chance for me to escape from all I know
Holding back the tears
There’s nothing here has grown
I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
Nothing had the chance to be good

Nothing ever could
I’ll keep holding on.”  Simply Red


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