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The Vanishing Kind

It began 

April 1, 2017.  

Second time

June 5, 2017.

The last

July 10, 2017.

Why did I let this happen?

Eight months of verbal and emotional torture?  In Disability, Charges, Heartache, Violated.

It seems manifested from a dream as now the reality night shades pulls the sadness back over my soul.  

I have been far removed from this situation (for many reasons).

I loved him.  Even when he was inpatient with my Dysautonomia or my progressiveness as a Woman.  

I watched him become more withdrawn, delusional and I never understood.  

I was faithful, honest, giving him my soul in our future commitment as husband and wife.

Now, I have been educated.  

He has Bi-Polar with Major Psychosis.

He has never been treated, but diagnosed by multiple Psychologists.

So What do I do when I am try to fill the holes inside from my own pain, but in return all that I got was:

Bipolar Disorder:

“Mania is a distinct period of at least one week of elevated or irritable mood, which can range from euphoria to delirium, and those experiencing hypo- or mania may exhibit three or more of the following behaviors: speak in a rapid, uninterruptible manner, short attention spanracing thoughts, increased goal-oriented activities, agitation, or they may exhibit behaviors characterized as impulsive or high-risk, such as hypersexuality or excessive spending. To meet the definition for a manic episode, these behaviors must impair the individual’s ability to socialize or work.  If untreated, a manic episode usually lasts three to six months.

People with hypomania or mania may experience a decreased need of sleep, speak excessively in addition to speaking rapidly, and impaired judgment..Manic individuals often have a history of substance abuse developed over years as a form of “self-medication”. At the more extreme, a person in a full blown manic state can experience psychosis; a break with reality, a state in which thinking is affected along with mood.

Symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, irritability or anger, loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, excessive or inappropriate guilt, hopelessness, sleeping too much or not enough, changes in appetite and/or weight, fatigue, problems concentrating, self-loathing or feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts of death or suicidal ideation. In severe cases, the individual may develop symptoms of psychosis, a condition also known as severe bipolar disorder with psychotic features. These symptoms include delusions and hallucinations.” http://www.wikipedia.org and The DSM-5.

These behaviors were active on a regular basis.  I knew something was wrong with him, but I thought he was just Depressed.   But, the shift in his manic episodes became aggressive.  Attacking me verbally and emotionally many times while under the influence of alcohol. *He would end up in a severe car accident, not remembering anything until I put his pieces back together (as I always did).


“Behavioral: disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, hostility, hyperactivity, hypervigilance, nonsense word repetition, repetitive movements, restlessness, self-harm, social isolation, lack of restraint, or persistent repetition of words or actions

Cognitive: thought disorder, confusion, belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, belief that thoughts aren’t one’s own, disorientation, memory loss, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, thoughts of suicide, unwanted thoughts, or difficulty thinking and understanding

Mood: anger, anxiety, apathy, excitement, feeling detached from self, general discontent, limited range of emotions, or loneliness.”

The DSM-5.

Instead, I look back at how he found me, not once but twice. It can be called ‘Destiny,’ but these emotion particles have become truths of nothing.  

Not on or in my Journey.

My holes of loss have only grown into infinite depths of eternal suffering.

I just wanted love.

Instead I slowly drowned inside his misery, delusions, abuse.

Not anymore.

I cannot fix what is already broken.

Maybe one day when you are ready, and you build your mind and have a strong heart, don’t come find me.


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