March 30, 2016.
I Began this opus in January.
I did not think I could write, even a paragraph.
This is not complete.
It never will
What do you call Self Destruction?
Is it distinction, misery, death, art?
Well, on March 30, 2015, my life ended.
Does that count?
It was a Monday, had a Job I loved, a new Career path for me as a Professor of Applied Mathematics.
As I was driving the 20 miles (one way) something was happening to me, my heart was racing, left arm going numb, right side of my being giving away.
I park the truck, and as I step down, I collapsed on the unpaved parkway.
I picked up my teacher belongings and somehow made my way through the Industrial site.
Sweat covering my eyes, I walk into my office as my Boss awaits our afternoon meeting.
I sit, what I didn’t know was Tachycardia pouring over my keyboard.
I think I’m having a Heart Attack.
I excuse myself.
Semi concsious, I find myself in the Womens bathroom stall, my body changing.
I couldn’t control my mind as my heart rate was killing me softly.
Waves of movements, time nauseating me.
I couldn’t move myself from this.
I kept telling my Soul, you have had 16 Surgeries, you were on Chemotherapy twice, move.
Instead, my life was ending.
I crept back to my Office, my Hipster Boss was waiting with a smile.
I can I tell her I’m dying and I have no fucking clue why.
I look at her, my fierce blue eyes weakened from the pain, I ask her quietly to find an Ambulance.
I change my mind, as her and my other Boss drive me to the local E.R.
Waiting, waiting, waiting, as I sat dying.
My male Boss in panic.
My female Boss calling my Mother.
I’m on the table, hard to breathe, and I hear:
‘Is there a chance your Pregnant? ‘
I wanted to yell
You fucking pig, do you know anything about the persistence of loss?
I watched the blood of my life spill onto my Parents bathroom floor when I was 17.
He was Mi Hijo, Juan Alejandro.
I then had a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy when I was 23.
I’m 34 now, do the math.
No. No, I am not Pregnant I hastily replied.
But, All I literally could think of was:
‘”So withdrawn and feeling numb
Watching life come all undone
I am down on my knees
Praying beyond belief
The silence deafens my ears
And welds the shackles
Onto my fears
I have lost all faith.'” FF
Why is this happening to me again?
Hasn’t my body been through enough?
An Influenza Test, Chest X-Ray, Ultra Sound (All negative)
I was left with nothing, not even a Doctor to evaluate me.
2 days later, I was Inpatient.
5 MRIs, Multiple X-Rays, and Labs.
So, it was left to believe I was mentally unstable, dreaming all of this pain up.
The Neurologist assigned to my treatment actually told me
“It’s in your head. There’s nothing wrong with you. All the Tests came back Negative.”
This is a problem for me.
But, before I could state my case, a
Psychologist was standing at the foot of my hospital bed, with an Intern.
He had my Medical Files from my Hematologist.
‘You have been through a lot. Your Medical Conditions are very serious and all of them together (12) must very difficult for you.
How do you cope?
What is going on now?’
I looked at him with all the pain I felt knowing damn well he had copies of my Sealed Medical Files, and I thought
as I kept my mouth shut.
In silence, in between, no one believed me (more tests, Neck Surgery for my Occipital Neuropathy, and E.R Visits), until
May 29, 2015, when Dr. Aguilar, a top Electrophysiology diagnosed me with
It’s been almost a year.
They tell me, You will never be the same little girl.
I’m fading into a ghost of what was self.
No one hears me crying as the door locks. I’m supposed to be the forever Soldier beyond those walls that are crumbling.
Dysautonomia has left me disabled, hurt, dismantled, sick, alone.
You’ll never understand what it’s like to already be chronically ill, then even within all your life long medical suffering, you truly become a hostage in your own body.
I’ll never understand.
This is not a dream.
We are unable to transmit to your existence.
The interference is your health.
If you are receiving this, your soul is still running.
It recognizes you have never been defeated.
0 3 3 0 2 0 1 5
says your consciousness is fading away.