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Tunnels Of Tomorrow

All the things I have not come to terms with.  I will never understand.                                           Your Death.  

I found myself at one of our establishments on Saturday’s moonlight.

The last time I made an adventure there, I was alone, but you were alive.

Before, you, IPA Lagunitas  me, predictable. Laughing.  Making my dark days happy.  Your demons, quiet.

I could be me, never some part in someone elses play.  

I learned to let go, just be.  I even was strong enough to let you tease me.  Something I have NEVER been good at (due to the real abuse I’ve taken).

As I sat there with my Boyfriend (Now, Fiancé), I thought of you.

Two out of the four people we knew, are gone. Tending Bar somewhere else or on the wagon.

We had a good time.  I actually ate.  And enjoyed the few moments I could.  We traveled to our Jewel-Osco after.  A place that is so trivial, but still so painful for me.  To walk down the aging grocery aisles without you picking on me, your ‘Sweet Jesus,’ or your laughter is a tunnel of sorrow. 


It’s too hard.  I’m trapped here with fucking Dysautonomia, so much pain, heartache leftover and new abandonment, and your death.

Everywhere I go, there is a piece of you that remains

That’s not all.

I cannot take, live with or rise above anymore.

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