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Monthly Archives: July 2016

Moonlight Exposure 

​For Vaellaz.

We’ve Been Good Friends Over Five Months Ago.

You Took Me To The E.R When People Were Waiting For Me To Die.  You Took Care Of My Animals, Car, Existence.  

There Are Too Many Shades Of Avidity: We Are The Careless, The Same.

Heartless.

You Had To Return To Latin America For Two.Five Months.

You Came Back.

Now, I Come Back, Temporarily.

You Ran To Me With Suffering And Encumbrance.

Your Infuriating Dreams Regarding How People Could Treat Me With So Much Heartache When My Devotion Was As Deep As My Soul, Killed Your Cause.

You Protected Me When Others Were Hurting Me.  Them Causing Me More Pain Then My Heart Attacks.

*You saw me one day in April with black stained tears.

Noone seen me like that before. EVER.

There Is No Love Between us…

Just Infinite respect.

You are: My Best Friend.

Tu eres mi guardián de protección.

‘I remember long ago
When the sun was shining
And all the stars were bright all through the night
In the wake up this madness


There’s too many people
Making too many problems
And there’s not much love to go around.‘ Disturbed Version

Juan Alejandro

*Originally Posted June 2014.
Edited January 2016.

Another trip to the E.R.
Same monotonous question
‘Any chance your Pregnant?’
I want to yell:
You fucking pig, do you know anything about the persistence of loss?
I watched the blood of my life spill onto my Parents bathroom floor when I was 17.
He was Mi Hijo, Juan Alejandro.
I then had a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy when I was 23.
I’m 34 now. Do the Math you fucking drop out.

Every January 29.
It hits me like fire.
But, different now.
Something happened.
What I did to him.
Never consuming more than 500 Calories. His Father beating me.
Keeping you a secret for eight years.
What I did to me.
I didn’t have a Dilation and Curettage (D&C) after I saw you on my parents grout white tile.
*This Procedure could have possibly prevented my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy at the age of 23.
Endometriosis can be caused by Miscarriages.
*I had Stage IV.

Now, I’m empty, which is fine, ok.
I could break a thousand mirrors, and I still don’t want to be a Mother.

I don’t sing your name.
I keep you to myself.
You would have been 17.
I still know.
It was not your time.
But, I do keep the pain near.

I thought about aborting you.
I didn’t want you to be a product of My
Domestic Violence.
*Tu padre me dolía maneras inimaginables.
Tu padre me dijo que, ‘Si usted tiene un aborto, voy a cortarte la garganta.’
But, as history goes, I lost you on my own.

image

That’s you.
Your looks, like your Father.
But, your happiness, mine.
There are days I rehearse.
Copy someone else’s courage.
But, I know.
He doesn’t deserve to fathom my pain.

As Your Lullaby Goes:
“You, you are, oh you are
The little boy made for me in the stars
In the star, that’s why I can’t let you go
The little boy made for me in the stars
That’s why I love you more the further I go.” Nelly Furtado