Prehaps I better start from the beginning.
I found myself in the basement of a cryptic/private bookstore in the most Bourgeoisie town in all of the state.
I remember getting lost among the most terrifying collection of books.
But, it goes farther back, to my childhood.
When I was eleven, I wanted to be a Mortician.
I also yearned for a copy of
‘The Rececently Deceased,’ a fictitious novel in the film Beetlejuice.
I have come back from The Dead.
The Kosovo War.
I knew there was no God at age 5 and after my time as a Blueprint Specialist (and Classified Work)for the HDF, there was only death.
So, I wore all black. Not just any black clothes, but beautiful put together ensembles.
I purchased The Satanic Bible
(in arrived in a brown paper bag when I picked it up at a different bookstore).
I built an Altar.
Bought a new Ouij Board
(I had one from the 1970’s), and started my practice as a Satan Worshipper.
*My Conservative Albanian boyfriend at the time, Xajë, told me to keep that shit to myself.
I held Seances.
I was good.
It’s inside me. Generations of Tarot Card Readers, Gypsies, Warlocks.
It was Real.
I was Real.
Things shifted when I met a woman from Portugal(a Gypsy herself) who was married to a Romani.
She warned me, too much dark matter would cause a disturbance in my life.
I shrugged it off.
Strange and hurtful occurrences began.
I never put her advise to these painful experiences.
My brother secretly shared some of my behavior with my Mother
*(He was only fourteen at the time. Young, ambitious, but afraid of his much older Sister).
My Mother out of fear and her own religious convictions expressed her anger and told me that any such literature will be removed from her house if she finds it.
*(She never did. It all sat in her house, locked away.
I discarded it all in 2010).
I was in a Coma from
June 22-25 due to a
Heart Attack (not my first)
at Belgyógyászati Klinika és Kardiológiai Központ/Invazív Kardiológiai Részleg.
I was told when I awoke that Saturday, I said strange things such as People=Shit.
And I wanted my
Buddhist Healing Bracelet torn off my left wrist *(It’s been attached to me since
May 4, 2016 from my Temple).
My Mother, almost passing out from my slumber outbursts stated
‘Oh my God, please tell me your not Satanic again.’
I laughed. Hysterically.
I did reveal a secret I’ve been carrying for 18 years to her, a confession.
See what a Coma can do to the Soul.
Oh Mother, don’t you know your daughter has always been a dark soul with no remorse and lives a life of perfection on the outside but is the greatest prevaricator ever created.
*(Thanks to being sexually assaulted at age 4 then 8(for a year) then 17.
All different people).
These Verses are overwritten, played out, destituted for fashion.
It’s a phase of life when one has become disconnected from reality due to circumstances like War.
It’s a bridge to what was left of one self before the tragedy, when the displacement occurs.
‘The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.’ John Milton, Paradise Lost