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Explicit Moon

Voor Housinga. Ik Mis Je Elke Dag.

I remember. It was after Midnight.
The halls were actually quiet, silent.
I made the decision on the elevator not to stop.
I knocked on your door.
I waited.
I almost walked away, ran away as I always did.

You slightly opened the door.
In darkness,
You were standing there, all of you
6 Feet 4 Inches
Only dressed in a bathtowel.

You said something in Dutch as you picked me up, wrapped my legs around you as you closed the door.
You held me up against the back of your door, as if I weighed light as the night.

I could feel every muscle in your body press against me, I wanted to escape.
I knew it was a mistake.
My mistake.

We met August 2001.
You were working as a Chef at the
Higgins Cafeteria.
I remember you made a comment about my Korn T-Shirt.
You were so serious.
I noticed (besides you being 6’4″), you had Amythest eyes. Truly, purple eyes.
*(You later told me your Father was from Holland, and your eye color ran in your family from The Netherlands).
I made a joke about your Chef’s hat, and you laughed with a secret smile.

We quickly became friends.
You happen to live six floors beneath me, so time was always on our side.

Dormroom Parties, Working-Out at the University Rec Center Together, Just Talking.
That was Us.

I knew you loved me.
But, I couldn’t.
It was Me.
My severe Anorexia, Depression, Health Problems, were in the way of what I wanted to feel.

Then, you shocked me.
One early evening, I went to visit you, and your new Girlfriend was sitting on your bed.
No jealously
*(Something I have only experienced ONCE in my life when I was 18).
I was HAPPY for you.
I wanted someone to love you back.

She cheated on you.
You were devastated.
I was there with you, when you were broken down.
*I wanted to kill her for hurting you, taking advantage of your kindness for women.

I noticed my feelings altering after that night.
I tried so hard to stop my heart, to bury it all away.
I slightly let myself feel.
My fault.
You fell in love.

What led to that night, in your dormroom, was lust. All I could give you.
*(We had been drinking that night, and I NEVER made that the reason for my choice to find you).

You called me:
Mijn Vampire (in Dutch)
*(even that night, you called me that).
**Mijn Vampire because I’m Eastern European.

As our passion began to increase, I stopped.
I knew it was wrong, I was wrong.
You loved me.
I had nothing on the inside, just explicit details of what I wanted from you.

I left.
Taking the elevator back to my
Solo Dormroom.
Contemplating, I don’t think I ever truly loved anyone.

You left our University in Spring 2003 to complete an Internship.
You came to visit me once.
It was April.
Everyone was whispering,
‘Oh those two are back together.’

Again, that April, another fantasy I had to end.
This time, you were upset.
But, the next morning, I held your hand as I walked you to your truck and said
Goodbye.

Years past before I saw you again.
2006 to be exact.
I was leaving the
University Rec Center, and we passed eachother in the parking lot.
You were so happy.
I was taken back, didn’t know how to react.

Then your girlfriend
(Now, Wife)
decided to pay me a visit at my Job.
Jealousy was killing her soul.
I laughed.
Jealousy, is something I never understood or will.

She kept you from me.
I never saw you again.

She found your Social Media Accounts and made you delete them.

We spoke on the telephone
June 2009.
We talked for hours.

Then, we secretly emailed eachother on
LinkedIn for a few years.
*(I remember one particular email, you were so excited when I told you, I went to visit your Motherland, Holland).
Then, You did the one thing I never wanted you to do,
You joined The Armed Forces, then Deploying to Afghanistan.
By then, you were a Father.
*(Now, you have two Sons).

She, your Wife, still keeps us apart.

Doesn’t she know we never made love, gave love, held love?

Our Friendship was that powerful she is afraid that it could become something more.
But, she’s wrong.

Yes, I do miss you, as my
Best Friend.

The sexual passion is long gone.
But, my heart misses your kindness, the way you protected me, your laugh, our Friendship.

Just to talk to you, to tell you what has happened to me,
My Failing Health, how Men have treated me,
You would be devastated.

Ik mis je elke dag. Ik ga dood. Uw Vampire.

*Housinga, I’m currently listening to
Slipknot. I’m still a Metal-Head.

‘It never stops, you can’t be everything to everyone.
What do you want from me?
They never told me the failure I was meant to be.
Overdo it, don’t tell me you blew it
Stop your bitchin’ and fight your way through it.’ People=Shit

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