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Still

The Government is making me attend a
Psychological Exam this upcoming Monday for my State Disability Claim.
*I already completed the Physical Exam on Tuesday.

I an aware of the Why, but I do not trust the unknown process.

See, I’ve lived in two different Psychiatric Facilities
(One Private, One Ward), and if you say the wrong things, you are locked away.
In places were Electric Shock Therapy is still performed, children are in padded rooms with their eyebrows cut off, the Schizophrenics walk around wearing only gowns talking to themselves while glaring madly at you.

The last time I lived In-patient was February 2000. Involuntary Status.
A fourth floor Psych. Ward inside a run-down Hospital.
I spent Valentine’s Day in there.
All the nut jobs and crazies(yes, very different) gave each other homemade Cards while the Heroine Addicts complained about Detox, the bad Mothers sobbing that their children were taken away by the State, the one’s with Brain Injuries wearing the same clothes daily and continuously Sleeping, and then me.
*I only spent 4 days there. 4 Days of persistent hell. Pain burned inside me that I can never erase. My scars of a time in my life that was unnecessary.

Why would I want to revisit that grave?
Tell some State Doctor how I’m feeling or what I’m working on with my Therapist?
*I begin my PTSD Processing and Cognitive Therapy next week with my current Counselor.
This means Opening the door to my Childhood Trauma (Repeat Molestation and Physical Abuse) for the first time in my life.
This treatment engages multiple channels. One does not jump head first into memories never operated on.
And, this State Appointment is interrupting my pain, causing me to want to walk away from Therapy altogether.

Why can’t it all be still, and let me find my way home?

image

Something they don’t want me to have.


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