I don’t know how to be happy.
As I listen to WBEZ/NPR, swallow leftover Annies GF Mac N Cheese, I rethink my statement.
I don’t know how to be socially happy.
I joined EIGHT Groups in the past month, and have met ZERO of these faces.
I signed my dog Apache up for a Hike. I already canceled one of his Hikes, and weather was the other reason.
The Hike is 10 hours from now, but I am already nauseous.
I was that Girl.
The light in the crowd.
The smile in the sea.
”I have made the big decision, I’m gonna try to nullify my life.
And you can’t help me.
You can all go take a walk.
And I guess that I just don’t know And I guess that I just don’t know.
I wish that I was born a thousand years ago.
I wish that I’d sail the darkened seas.
On a great big clipper ship
Going from this land here to that on a sailor’s suit and cap.
Away from the big city where a man cannot be free Of all of the evils of this town.
And of himself, and those around Oh, and I guess that I just don’t know
Oh, and I guess that I just don’t know.”
The Velvet Underground
And Yes, Heroin makes you the loneliest person in the World.
(I experienced that long ago).
But, it’s not about drugs.
It’s about People.
People and their shit.
Heart breaking eating selfish shit.
I don’t want it anymore.
I’d rather be dead then continue to manage friendships.
The inconsistency of it all is worse then grinding my soul.
I disagree with this Theory we are Social Beings.
Relationships of any form is the absolute downfall of discovering our true purpose.
To pollute our lives with senseless expectations is devolving.
So I say,
Just let me be in solitude where I am at my best.
When I want human interaction, I will make that choice with heavy decisions.
Yet, I cant.
And in truth, I do know.
I don’t mind.