Also known as Leukeran.
I first experienced Chemotherapy in 2006. I began my Chemo Cycle late Spring until late Summer.
A Graduate Student, working a Manual Labor job (for $6.25 a hour), and barely breathing.
I was 25.
NO ONE was aware I was going through Chemo.
(I did not experience Alopecia in 2006, which helped secure my secret).
I felt if I disclosed my pain, nothing would change.
Not One person (other then Family), has cared for my health/illnesses/diseases.
Why start a new chapter then, or now?
Remission was delivered, and I continued dying and living the best ways I could.
In 2006, I had what is called
”Traditional chemotherapeutic agents act by killing cells that divide rapidly, one of the main properties of most cancer cells. This means that chemotherapy also harms cells that divide rapidly under normal circumstances.” http://www.wikipedia.org
Leukeran is a Cancer Drug from the 1950’s.
An ancient killer giving me live, a promise of one more tomorrow.
I’m not going to xerox my pain for you.
Inviting you inside my body while on Chemotherapy is a desolation you don’t want.
Seven years later.
” Chemotherapy does not always work, and even when it is useful.”
My Hematology/Oncology Specialist.
Non issue since I had a
Total Abdominal Hysterectomy on
My brain is tired.
Ripped at the genetic stitching.
My heart, gutted.
I am detached.
But, I will never surrender to the Death.
It murders young blood.
“Are you hungry? Are you sick? Are you begging for a break?
Are you sweet? Are you fresh?
Are you strung up by the wrists? We want the young blood.
Are you fracturing? Are you torn at the seams? Would you do anything? Fleabitten motheaten? We suck young blood.
Won’t let the creeping ivyWon’t let the nervous bury me.
Our veins are thin
Our rivers poisoned.”
Undertheweather has become my personal rights.
I woke from Night Terrors, in physical sickness and a bleeding heart.
The blinds are a burnt orange, peeling shadows from the cracks of many sunrises.
I can see the greens of the Peonies, water drops still after last night’s thunderstorm.
The oranges slowly fade to grays, then white.
My love is ready. Those heavy decisions were folded, put away with my dreams.
My body is pain, a highway of discomfort.
I am detached from what most live.
It’s not easy, and I am aware of what I have become.
Yet, my solitude rests in a place I like it to be.
Someone once told me
* ”You’ve got to live with what you can’t rise above.”
I live with everything inside a nothingness that is beyond what is above.
Here comes the rain.
It never lets me sleep.
The colors flood into a darkness, still from mothernature’s reflection.
Today, I hope for a better ride in this weather that’s keeping me under.
I don’t know how to be happy.
As I listen to WBEZ/NPR, swallow leftover Annies GF Mac N Cheese, I rethink my statement.
I don’t know how to be socially happy.
I joined EIGHT Groups in the past month, and have met ZERO of these faces.
I signed my dog Apache up for a Hike. I already canceled one of his Hikes, and weather was the other reason.
The Hike is 10 hours from now, but I am already nauseous.
I was that Girl.
The light in the crowd.
The smile in the sea.
”I have made the big decision, I’m gonna try to nullify my life.
And you can’t help me.
You can all go take a walk.
And I guess that I just don’t know And I guess that I just don’t know.
I wish that I was born a thousand years ago.
I wish that I’d sail the darkened seas.
On a great big clipper ship
Going from this land here to that on a sailor’s suit and cap.
Away from the big city where a man cannot be free Of all of the evils of this town.
And of himself, and those around Oh, and I guess that I just don’t know
Oh, and I guess that I just don’t know.”
The Velvet Underground
And Yes, Heroin makes you the loneliest person in the World.
(I experienced that long ago).
But, it’s not about drugs.
It’s about People.
People and their shit.
Heart breaking eating selfish shit.
I don’t want it anymore.
I’d rather be dead then continue to manage friendships.
The inconsistency of it all is worse then grinding my soul.
I disagree with this Theory we are Social Beings.
Relationships of any form is the absolute downfall of discovering our true purpose.
To pollute our lives with senseless expectations is devolving.
So I say,
Just let me be in solitude where I am at my best.
When I want human interaction, I will make that choice with heavy decisions.
Yet, I cant.
And in truth, I do know.
I don’t mind.