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‘Think Twice’

Think Twice is a Song Title by
Eve6 from their 2003 Album
It’s All In Your Head.
How appropriate.

”Life is a difficult assignment. We are fragile creatures, expected to function at high rates of speed, and asked to accomplish great and small things each day. These daily activities take enormous amounts of energy. Most things are out of our control. We are surrounded by danger, frustration, grief, and insanity as well as love, hope, ecstasy, and wonder. Being fully human is an exercise in humility, suffering, grace, and great humor. Things and people all around us die, get broken, or are lost. There is no safety or guarantees.”
                           S.A.R.K

Again, my dream allowance is tittering bankruptcy.

I found myself caught in a cycle of dreams that question the very purpose of it all,
Why do we dream?

”All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.” ~Elias Canetti

I couldn’t agree more.
Unless you’re Me.

It began as the usual experience,
I am bedridden, weak beyond my taking, and I fall.
I was inside a house unknown to my past.
I was crying, hurt.
A boy came from behind the bedroom door.
Derek Rothstein.
Him and I were dating, yet he was tearing me apart.
We had dinner with his father as his dead mother watched from the ceiling.
Derek’s father begged us to stay together, yet gave us ultimatums.
I wanted him, but he remained emotionally unavailable until I woke up.

I attended part of my Middle School and High School years with him.
He tormented me Grade 7.
He would break me down, tear into me, as if I was nothing, disposable.
He would physically bully me.
Ripping the bows out of my hair, giving me fistful of tears.

But, everything stopped once we entered Grade 9.
I became a true Gangster.
My transformation began the year before.
My actions were to expose people like him(including Teachers).
The only words Derek spoke to me where in Grade 11,
”Why don’t you date White Guys?”
As I was waiting for my Colombian boyfriend.
(I gave it all to him when we were in Grade 8. I knew he was ashamed of his Jewish Roots, and I let our Classmates become aware,of his true Identity, since most of his comrades were racist).

I have not seen his face or brown eyes in 15 years, so why dream it all now?
I know nothing of him or his family
(minus his younger sister, who was quite the bitch in High School).
His words of hate never lingered, but in Grade 7, I wanted his death to occur quickly.

Then, like dream lightening, my Jungian diagnosis fell from my head to my heart.
Derek’s appearance is a metaphor
for the people in my current life who cause me pain and still expect my kindness.

Enough.

Derek had no conception of my personal hell I was living when we were adolescents, my physical abuse, my PTSD from childhood molestation and rape, my culture war as an Immigrant, and my failing health.
Do I think he would have changed his behavior toward me if he walked a day with me?

Absolutely not.

People in my current existence, are well versed within my soul, and the acts of selfishness, hurt, burn continue.

Conclusion?
I grin, I will never go down.
I have an 130IQ, Speak 7 Languages(learning two more this year), *4 College Degrees, Have Lived and Traveled the World, and my intelligence and mind are continuously advancing.
My soul is superior from all I have lived and died with.

I am better then any of those individuals in life and spirit.
It’s not Ego, but Truth.

I know now, We dream to remind our sleeping minds of our infinite change.

image

*I will Graduate in 2014 with my Second Master’s.
Then in 2017, my Third Master’s Degree.
May 2017= 5 College Degrees.

*I do hope someone treats his children the way he treated others.
To learn pain is by experiencing it.
This goes for everyone who hurt others for internal happiness.


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