Good Evening Saturday.
Darkness has settled.
35° and I’m in pure anxiety mode.
I can’t escape my Mind.
Had my regular 1:00p.m Therapy Session
Rx early this a of m due to super Tachycardia.
I still feel the pain from the Tachycardia.
The pain is difficult to describe, but easy to melt away from.
Now, brought on by a decision I have to make in 3 Days *(I’m not counting Sunday).
Not like I have enough of it.
Anxiety that is.
I’ve lost everything in the last Eleven Months, and it continues.
The only way out is a Dead End.
In through the Out Door.
No time this evening on the Enclosed Porch with my Cats.
First Saturday in since April.
I feel sad.
But, with my Health and the level of Tachycardia I have experienced, Blood Pooling, and Anxiety *(Plus the change in weather again), it’s impossible.
I’m not sure how to make my decision.
Too many pieces, components in 1 Day.
It’s almost terrifying.
My Mental Health is in danger.
One wrong way, I will be under.
Woke to Tachycardia, Confusion, Pain, Sinuses.
I was unaware of what day it actually was.
I saw the Cellular Clock:
I slowly got up, Tachycardia taking over.
I had forgotten
Last Load of Laundry
And I was awake at 7:00 a of m. *7:15 maybe.
Tachycardia is like this, everything is shaky, confusing.
I’m still very/quite unsure of the decision I have to make.
Too much in little time and with my Anxiety
It’s making me physically ill and an emotionally wrecked.
I still have things to do
And I don’t know how.
I’m going under and it’s impossible.
Sunday Chores Complete.
I didn’t want to due to what I am feeling, having to leave.
If I could just make $2.00 more, I could stay.
I want to stay.
Even with the last eleven months, and darkness, no friends, I want to stay.
I like my Rented Place.
My Cats like their Rented House.
But, it’s impossible.
You can complete a million different Excel Spreadsheets, and the matter of the fact is I don’t make to pay to live, exist.
I’ve been trying since June, to find solutions.
Now, with a Paycut, and now no more Over-Time period, it truly is impossible.
I just want to Educate and Survive and take care of my Pets.
Is that asking for for the World?
And yes, I was promised a Loan back in June, but it didn’t work out.
Yes, it hurts, but it has passed/past.
So, tomorrow, during the Thirty Minutes I have, I am going to research and see if I can get a Loan.
Then return to making calls regarding Assistance.
I don’t want to walk away, give up.
But, it’s looking that my
Dead End is near.
Sunday, Good Morning.
I’ve made my final decision
I have to leave.
I truly do not wish this.
But, I literally cannot take anymore loss and I cannot keep continuing my existence like this.
Financially is the reason for the choice.
There is no other way unless I made more Capital.
And since June, the struggle to continue here worsened.
Then when I took a Pay Cut in August, I knew it wasn’t going to Work, but
To the point of Suicide.
I am beyond saddened by this
My continuous existence these past eleven months.
I’m drowning even further and without Financial Change
So, in it all,
I don’t want to leave, but to remain Alive, I have to.
This is me.
It was not my plan.
What’s the Lesson in it all?
I know, I can’t continue on like this.
There is a song that burns deep from the past.
It was posted
April 29, 2016 toward me *(Which I look back now and it was about self-reflection).
I absolutely loathed this track of doom.
I found myself searching then listening to it for the first time in probably about a year.
Hearts/ Wires by Deftones.
Now, this listen has a new and entirely different perspective and meaning.
The Day he sent me his “Good-bye Letter,” I met him.
The SAME DAY.
May 24, 2016.
One Door closed.
Another Opened is how I looked at it.
It’s too much coincidence.
This was not by default, but a moment of meant to be.
“Good-Bye Letter” Destroyed Me.
But, light came when he emailed me and my life would change forever.
I’ll never forget the initial email.
I was stoked.
After over a Year of my Disability and having to Work/Educate from home on a Part-Time basis, I would come to have the Opportunity to keep my Career Full-Time. And, with success.
A forbidden love felt by both sides of the Heart.
I was Hired the day of my Interview.
I was already attracted to him.
The Onboard Hiring Process went quick.
Within five days, I was
It was our First Launch.
Beta Version of our Platform, System, Classrooms.
He was my Main Point of Contact during that time of Work.
Sometimes, up to 40 Messages a Day.
But, that is how we came to fix/create something great for the Students and Company and the beginning of our Working Relationship.
I was busy for the first time since I became Disabled, it was easy to finally let-go of the Past and look forward.
And I did.
We went on a Hiatus for an entire Month, with the Promise, it would all return.
I was Educating 7 Days A Week.
Him and I closer than before.
August 24, 2016 happened.
Too Close now.
August 31, 2016 the last time he was apart of me *Truthfully. There was a Call on April 14, 2017. But, I feel now it was a set-up, not genuine. For the purpose of wrongfully Terminating my Direct Boss, which he did seven weeks later. *During that April 2017 Call, he even stated “Wow, has it really been 9 months since we spoke?”
Then after April 2017, the conversations that did take place shifted, darkened.
The last Conversation was
March 22, 2018.
I wrote about it.
How two people who worked together so closely, now enemies, broke my Soul.
Our last Messages took place
April 7, 2018.
Things for me had changed, Employment wise and I couldn’t just Teach 4 Hours a Week, which was what was only being offered. And I was tired of not understanding why and what happened to it all.
*There were a few emails exchanged in June, which was the last form of communication between us.
He removed me as a
Contact this past Wednesday.
That’s why the Song.
How he grew so far away, distant, angry, abusive, hateful, hurtful.
Is a mystery to me.
And I am truly saddened how it all ended.
My Hard Work, vanished.
Our Relationship, erased by his own choices on how he decided to treat me after.
I let go, but to see being removed hurt and brought back specific moments and all my Hard Work and Dedication.
Fits the empty parts that still linger, remain.
But, it’s all over.
Two years ago, seemed impossible.
Both Career and Relationship.
I hope he remembers how much I gave and Educating 7 Days A Week, 17 Months Straight.
And how he treated me.
And how much I loved him through it all.
And I know, he felt something at one point.
I hope he remembers that too.
“No vision or dreams about you, came true for me.” Hearts/ Wires by Deftones
Good Morning Unsually Cold Saturday.
With Snow Yesterday!
Eyes Open at 6:45 or 7:45 a of m.
I actually cannot remember.
I believe it was 7:45.
As I lay under, I hear my Tachycardia, Leg Pain, Anxiety.
All crying out.
And I’m lost.
Strange dreams of the past and under the weather is what I awoke to.
I didn’t want to be here.
I wanted to open my eyes and see my Adolescent Bedroom.
I wanted to drive far and away but I couldn’t.
Physically nor Financially.
Something that I am far removed, tired of the worry, stress, fear, anxiety it has and is causing me.
I cannot keep continuing like this.
I will be buried.
It makes me remember, reflect to my Childhood watching, listening to my Mother and Father fight/argue/scream about money.
My Father putting in 40+ Hours a week as a Heavy Machinery Technician.
My Mother trying to find work.
Then before we left the
House of Horrors,
She was working Full-Time.
It’s strange to think she worked PT Nights at a Video Store.
I have little recall of it, but a few instances when she would come home and anger quickly filling the air due to us still being “up.” *My Father let us stay “up” quite late and watch t.v with him.
If I could return to my Childhood,
I would have led a very different journey, path to Adulthood.
I never would have gotten Married.
Chosen more Degrees and choosing to obtain a State Teaching Certificate/License.
I look back.
Just ten years ago.
Life was quite different.
Now, I am disintegrating.
Who would have known this would be my continuous existence.
I regret some poor choices I made, mistakes I made.
As I listen to Big Log by Robert Plant, I am haunted how true these lyrics have become. *(I’ve loved this track since I was eighteen).
To just let-go is impossible.
It literally is not working,
And, I need to find a change immediately, or
I will be gone.
“The Eyes That Just Stare, And The Glance At The Clock
And The Secret That Burns
And The Pain That Won’t Stop
And It’s Fuel Is The Years.” R. Plant
I’m used to feeling alone
I know what that’s like
But, now I find out there’s this whole new level.
Why do people have to Die?
To make life important. S1E13 SFU
Profound on a level most of the World could not grasp.
Unless your a Suicide Survivor or Death Survivor.
If my First Suicide Attempt was complete, I would have been 17.
There’s a major difference in giving in and actually wanting it, The End that is.
In through the Out Door.
Now, 5 Attempts Later in 20 Years, this Profound dialogue speaks to me in a way that I never could imagine.
If I died at 17, how would that make life important?
Forever immortalized young?
There would have been no important aspect to any of it.
People move on, forget.
That’s what is truth.
Now, fast forward to my last attempt which was 29 Days ago.
I even told my Mother two Weeks after *(I did sustain injuries) and she didn’t want to talk about it.
I brought it up yesterday morning to talk about it.
“I’m done for today.”
Not even to my own Mother.
So, no, the message is inaccurate.
There is nothing important unless you are important.
I am not.
And that had been made crystal clear by my Mother, Friends, Former Boss(es), and my Landlord.
All in 48 Hours.
So, Thank You.
Thank You for making it easier to complete my journey of Suicide.
It’s My Own Design
It’s My Own Remorse.
Nothing farther than the truth.
Good Late Morning Saturday.
How are you on this cloudy but unusual warm morning?
Not well you say?
Why is that?
You’re dying, fading out, away?
And no one to save you?
You’re in Hell.
Oh you didn’t know?
You’re in Hell.
Until your last second of your existence.
There is nothing before nor after.
It’s in-between that counts, and you failed.
The choices you made is why you’re in Hell. You chose to be here and that is how it works.
The mechanism of life.
You will never be happy.
You will never experience continue success.
You will never live above Capital expectations.
But, you will experience 25 Surgeries, Severe Health Problems, Disability, And Expected To Live 100 Percent In Truth And Perfection no matter the pain and loss you endure.
Everything is removed. Literally.
Including my Heart. In Mind.
So Saturday, what are you going to do with the rest of your day?
Kills you doesn’t it.