Better at it.
I just spent about an Hour and 15 Minutes Messaging with someone I’ve known for 24 Years now.
I reached out due to an adorable Video she posted of her young daughter.
I miss talking to her.
I have other people in my life where Time is the connector.
*I used to think that concept, Time, would solve many things. It does not. **Take for example my Best Friend of what would be 24 Years now as well, we are no longer Best Friends. And it’s on her. But, I let it go a long time ago. I had to.
So, this early morning’s Messages were catching-up, and listening.
She’s going through a lot, and I wanted to know where she is at with all of it.
I’m glad we got to talk. Even if it’s through Messages.
It also helped me personally.
She is unaware of this.
Personally to be better at it.
The Secret I’m not ready to give away yet.
So, last evening, I returned to my usual pattern, Alone.
I watched When a Man Loves a Woman and about a 1/3 of Home Alone.
The sad thing is, I actually had plans, but no Fiances. *I was invited out on Friday and Saturday.
So, return to Re-viewing Gilms/Movies.
I completed When a Man Loves a Woman and forgot how good some of the acting is. *Mostly by Andy Garcia and a very young Tina Majorino.
I started to watch Jackie, but I needed something happy.
I don’t celebrate Christmas, but there are a few Holiday Classics, like
Home Alone, that I still enjoy re-viewing.
*I saw it’s original Release in the Theatre. As everyone else, my obsession was the House they used to Film the Movie in.
As Working-Class, that House was a dream that would never come true.
Just like in the movies.
I ended up falling asleep *Not sure on what hour, and awoke a few times after, deciding to Message my Friend at 8:57a.m *(I saw she was “Online”).
Now, I have my Sunday Routine to complete and try to be better at it.
I saw this photo on my Friend’s Best Friend’s Profile.
The Left, is the Original.
I thought about Memories, and how to keep going through it all with my Secret and I wanted to create an image that fits.
Well, in honesty yes, but no one wants to listen.
So, after an almost full week of Split-Shift *(I did not Teach Friday morning), I am awake now on Saturday at 3:00a.m.
I was reminded,
One, it’s Saturday
Two, I literally have $29.00 to my name until next week.
I’m tired of this.
So, today means nothing but completing my Cleaning List and Maintenance coming by.
I was invited out last night. And tonight.
And this is all the worse for my soul.
I’m going to continue to lie in bed, listen, then get to the
After Maintenance is finished, I’ll find myself scrounging for change to buy a Roll of Paper Towel and back to bed.
So much for change.
Everything remains the same.
Remembering what once was and can no longer be.
Just imagery now.
Cannot find slumber.
Had dreams from 4-6:00p.m
Something I’ve been doing for awhile now.
I’ve come out from within the last 3 hours of why.
1. I made some choices now that I cannot change.
2. I miss people and pets that I can never get back.
3. As I stated earlier, this juncture in my life, I should not have to be to the point of asking for Assistance. And I had to this evening *(40 Bucks).
4. My Anxiety.
I know the “Why” now.
It is this list and the secret I carry around inside.
I have a Friend who Writes exceptionally well, and I Follow her Page.
When I read her Posts, I dont get envious/jealous, but I think “That’s how my life used to be” moment(s) and I am sad.
I’m elated for Her Success and what she does and will do.
But, it’s Me.
And what I was.
If I could turn the page back, I would start in Chapter Twelve Years Ago.
One of the biggest mistakes in my life was getting Married Twelve Years ago.
Now, turn the page.
He forged my name so he could re-marry someone else. *(This relationship stared at least 2 years prior).
Him and I had not been Divorced a Year, and he was already Re-married.
Something I have never said outloud.
Yes, I’ve spoken about forging my Name, and the anger and sorrow that came from it.
But, that’s all.
I also don’t speak about my Parents in-regards to missing them.
Maybe that’s why it hurts to know things and when I speak with my Mother I often become emotional.
And of Course,
I just received an email stating I owe $497 on my Cable*(I Paid $113.00, 4 days ago). And of course, that Department is not available until tomorrow.
Here I am trying to open and this is not what I needed.
But, I’m going to continue.
I can’t find dreams anyway, might as well.
So, returning to the List.
I thought my mourning for my late Cat was complete.
I sent pictures of him today with so much sadness as he had sadness in his eyes as if he knew, could feel his illness worse.
Time is supposed to change, heal right?
It’s been eight months since he passed onto the Rainbowbridge, and I still have moments of overwhelming pain for him and knowing what happened to him.
See, when I first Rescued/Adopted him, he was your typical Cat.
But, after March 2015, and I was gone for up to two weeks once, and when I returned permanently, he became my shadow and our Bond was formed. *(Yes, we had a bond prior, but it was different).
He was my Shadow until the day he died.
Now, the List continues.
I have overwhelmed Readers with my Financial Situation, so I won’t repeat, but it’s hurting.
I’m not Free like I was supposed to be after re-locating here for Financial reasons.
Okay, yes, it takes time *(I’ve only dwelled here a Month), but I need to be Free again.
I know that will take away a lot that I carry, including Anxiety.
I’m not trying my best. With what I stated a few lines above, yes, will help.
But, there’s more to it.
Something I am not ready to give away yet.
I need to dream.
I have to awake in six hours for Work/Educate.
Not much to say.
Maybe it’s due to what I’ve been going through this past Week.
Maybe it’s yesterday/last evening.
Maybe it’s everything.
I turn my eyes to the left and I can see bare trees and a white sky.
Stillness after the insane weather that occurred last evening.
Laundry has stopped.
Cats are sleeping.
I’m lying here and I myself in some sort of stillness and silence.
I haven’t taken my Medication yet and I can feel my Stockings are in need of change *(new).
But, that will have to wait for 10 more Days *(The Stockings that is).
I’m burned out on trying anymore Financially.
It is what it is.
This juncture in my life, I should not have to be to the point of asking for Assistance.
I even re-located due to the fact of not making ends meet due to not making enough income.
I don’t have the mental nor physical strength to understand, fight why this is the way it is.
I just have to try every day, and accept this.
As both of my Cats are snoring, I look at how beautiful they are.
Today, I will try my best to just complete my Sunday Routine and hopefully can dream.
No crystal ball.
I truly feel I did not have off Two Days.
It just seems the Saturday, Sunday Routine was all I got.
I didn’t get to where I wanted to be, do. finish.
I wanted to sleep, complete my Training, be by myself, and attend an Event*(Saturday).
My Health was in knots on Thursday until I was twisted with so much Anxiety in regards to attending the Thanksgiving Dinner I was invited to, I Miss the Dinner completely and sit by a Bonfire for 4 hours, cold and tired.
Health even worse.
Maintenance Guy comes.
Still not fixed.
Restless in regards to having Company.
Company arrives, stays for 3 Hours.
I end up staying awake late.
Health beyond wrecked.
Took Rx to assist with Rest.
Assists with Symptoms, but turns me into a zombie.
So, lie in bed for 3/4 of Saturday.
Had regular 1:00p.m Therapy Session. Finished a Borrowed Book and did not attend said Event. *(Invited by same Co-Worker from Thanksgiving).
Watched the rest of what I started Friday Afternoon then The Devil Wears Prada.
Didn’t complete watching movie and was back to slumber at 11:57p.m *(Early Saturday for me).
6:04a.m eyes see.
No Break for the next Month/4 Weeks. *A Break in Split-Shift. When there is a Full-Day, I go in at 9 instead of 6:15a.m.
Maintenance Guy is to return sometime today.
I finished my Sunday Routine on Saturday *(Minus a few minor details like Coffee), so hours to Myself?
In-bed by 7p.m.
12 Hours to go.
Eyes are heavy.
It’s wish fulfillment to actually find myself in steady REM.
Guided Meditation and hopefully Hours to myself will lead to a peaceful Sunday.
In bed with Tachycardia, Leg Pain, Sinus Pain.
Exhausting, emotionally *(maybe a little physical too).
I had Company over.
My Assistant Teacher and her Boyfriend *(they’ve been together since Highschool. It’s sweet. Truly).
We never set a point in time of arrival, so when she messaged me yesterday at 3:04p.m to keep me in the loop of that she’s still coming over, I wanted to say “No. I want to be alone.”
4.25 Hours later, and they’re here.
I, looked a mess. I didn’t want to get all dolled up two days in-a-row.
I apologized for my appearance and up the ancient Staircase to my place we went.
They stayed until 10:25p.m
The Original Plan was for her to stop over and pick out clothes I no longer need/have use for/taking up space forever.
We got to that, but much later.
She, her Boyfriend*(I’ve met before, so no awkward moments of “Now, what do I say.”), and I just hung out and talked.
I didn’t know she had Training this morning *(8:00a.m), so I wouldn’t have bored them with stories. *I truly don’t think they were bored. But, I am just not used to having people come in my home and actually see them on a regular basis).
She’s young *20. So, it’s strange sometimes since I am old enough to be her Mother.
We really do Work well together.
Ever since she became my permanent Assistant Teacher, we just clicked.
But, I was reserved. Due to what occurred at my previously Jobs.
But, after time traveled, we got closer.
See, our Classroom is the only one above, so literally there is just Her and I and our Assistant Director *(who doesn’t use her Office anylonger) and a very small Classroom dedicated to Enhanced Learning, and that Teacher.
So, we’re isolated in terms of Location and the other Teachers, Assistant Teachers, Substitutes, etc.
So, as I let my guard down, I think she did too.
She opened up about her Homelife, Past/Passed, Relationships, Friendships, Working were we do *(She’s been an Assistant Teacher here for 2 Years), and everyday life stuff. *Come to find out early in our Working Relationship, I know her Family. I used to be her younger half-brother’s Transition Teacher *(he was Transitioning into our Classroom, but I saw him everyday as we all Monitored the Playground or Gymnasium).
I thought well, I think it is my destiny to relocate, move to this town.
And since I have, I have not had One Weekend Alone.
Compared to 15 Months, and only had 5 Visits from my Parents, 2 from my Former Friend, A Dinner Party, and 5 different Individuals that came over once. *(One came over twice).
That’s nothing when it comes to Company, Friendships.
So, return to last night.
After they left, or as I would prefer, parted, I felt a strangeness overcome me.
I didn’t realize how much Clothes I had actually given away *(A few, I regret. Meaning, for memories. And a Tee I have to get back *if she took it because my Parents bought it for me from Florida when they began their yearly pilgrimage to Fort Myers Beach.
And I gave away Classic Dvds to her Boyfriend. *Only One, I regret giving away now. The Rest, No. But, I would not ask for it back.
I still have an overly sense of strangeness from having Company over.
Maybe because I looked a hot mess *(No like myself to be present that way), Maybe I wanted to be alone yesterday, Maybe because we do Work together, I don’t want to get my feelings hurt.
Okay, so I cried in-front of her on Wednesday *(after Work, but we were still in Our Classroom).
I have not cried infront of someone in over a Year. *(I only cry on the Telephone. To my Mother, once to my Father, and my Therapist) this past year.
But, I felt I could.
A wall of trust.
We have both built.
*I’ve seen her cry many times.
But, this was different. This was Personal.
*Okay, yes, she cried once for Personal Reasons, a Funeral she had to attend.
But, for me, this isn’t like me.
I just couldn’t hold it in anylonger.
I’m tired of being alone.
Yes, I did want to be alone yesterday, but part of that is my Health.
So, after Wednesday, I thought, oh my
I can’t believe I did that.
I am so embarrassed.
But, as she hugged me on Wednesday Evening as I cried, in that split moment of raw emotion, I was not embarrassed, ashamed.
I let myself go, be.
Just like last evening.
And after they did leave,
Yes, I returned to being alone.
And it hurt.
Yes, I’m using this portrait twice.
I don’t do so, but it fits.
It’s an Illusion.
A Rainbow is an Illusion caused by reflection.
Something I live with everyday.
It’s a Television Show I give, and now have to give on the Weekends.
Day Off For Thanksgiving AND Friday*(Today).
Tachycardia really has me down.
As the other pains that come with it all.
I wanted to have a real Rest Day.
But, Maintenance is coming in an hour or less and I have an Errand to run by 3p.m
When I have been resting, in frequency of about 1.5 Hours at a time, I have experienced the most bizarre dreams.
I know the stigma of “Daytime” dreams are usually strange, but these are bizarre due to the realness of them all.
And, it’s making me more fatigue.
I can feel it.
First Time in 3 years I didn’t have to Teach.
I don’t celebrate it, but the fact of having a common Holiday off is still nice.
I wasn’t alone either.
I was invited by a Co-Worker.
I missed Dinner, so we sat outside by a Bonfire and I hung out with her Daughter and future Son-in-Law.
I did spend some time with my Co-Worker as she was cleaning up *(I offered to help of course).
I left a little after 9:00p.m.
I felt awkward.
My Co-Worker had gone to bed and I was out by the Bonfire as her Daughter and Daughter’s Fiancee were speaking to his Mother via Cellular.
I came home to a dark house, changed, Laundry, messaged my own Mother, and started re-viewing Children Of A Lesser God.
It’s quite a long Film, so I will finish it today/tonight.
I don’t remember the exact hour of my slumber, but it was after 2 Microwave Bags of Popcorn and 1:00a.m
To usual pattern,
7:23a.m read the time and I got up, listened to Music, Took Medication, and tried to rest.
I am not sure what kind of evening I want, but I do know my body is down as is my heart.