Good Morning, Sunday.
About twenty minutes ago,
My Mother told me to
“Leave her alone.”
I called because I wanted to let her know, regarding my Vehicle *(Brakes, gone), and to talk about what we discussed yesterday regarding myself and how to get to Work tomorrow.
It’s okay that she never spoke to my brother that way *(And got to live at home for years, not working).
But, I’m the problem.
And it cycles constantly.
One day, *(like Today), she is angry and speaks such hurtful things, another day,
Tells me she’s sorry and thanks me for loving her after she’s yelling.
Then she proceeds to tell me that she’s going to have a nervous break-down or attack. *(She stated this the other day, but yesterday morning, our Conversation was light).
I’m sorry my Brakes went out, and I had to drive quite dangerously yesterday to the place to drop-off the Vehicle.
I’m sorry I have a
Disability that limits me to what I am today.
I’m sorry I’ve been sick/ill most of my life/journey.
What’s the solution?
Cut me from the equation, and they can live their lives alone/better.
And when I mean cut, I mean the final cut.
It seems to come full-circle once more.
Death being the only way to rest and be happy. *(I know for sure others will. Be happy that is).
But, I will rewind.
Friday, Brakes go out.
But, before, not good news at my new Job regarding the most ridiculous thing, “Course Descriptions.”
I NEVER had a problem/issue before, and this is going back five years.
But, with laws changing, it’s becoming more difficult, and deciding my Undergraduate Courses that I took *(and did well) don’t count anymore is absurd.
So, Friday, was heavy, and my Disability was on fire.
Had to wait until 2:00p.m to get my Vehicle to the place and was still in my Work Clothes.
Return bome *(General Manager gave me a lift), and I just wanted to collapse.
I finally got out of my Work Clothes, took a bath, then had to get my Eldest Cat’s IV Bag ready *(Started on Wednesday, and it is every three days for 6 treatments in total. He’s had 2 so far, and there are hours he seems okay, then there times he’s not).
But, we’re trying.
I’m trying with him.
After his Treatment, and I take care of both my Cats, I began my Saturday.
It was around 4:00p.m.
I just wanted to listen to Music and watch Videos and good ol Television.
Which, I did.
Then around 10ish, I broke down about all the news I found on Friday:
Found Out My Ex-Husband Put My Dog To Sleep Over A Year Ago.
Also, My Ex-Husband Had A Baby With His New Family 2 Months Ago *(He Stated “I NEVER Want Kids, when he was with Me). (She Has 2 Kids From Previous Marriage).
I cried hard.
I’ve been harboring many things inside, and I needed to release it.
I actually have a headache today from crying.
I went to slumber maybe 12:30ish.
Was hoping just to have a Power-Nap, so I could stay up longer, but I awoke the first time around 6:30a.m then after 7.
Took my Meds, tidied up, laundry, Called place where my Truck is at, and it hasn’t even been looked at yet, then the event with my Mother.
So, not a good start to my Sunday.
My new Hours, I wake up early again,
5:15a.m, and my body/brain is not used to it.
But, we shall see how long it lasts *(Course Description issue).
There’s so much darkness, negativity, I just feel it.
More darkness and sadness as I took a break.
Reminders of what once was, and the whys unanswered.
Good Afternoon Tuesday.
Good News or
I got a new Job.
I start tomorrow.
FT Preschool Teacher.
It was a
Second Interview yesterday beginning at 2p..m and almost lasted 2 hours. *(That’s a good thing).
Then, I went to my first
Marketing Meeting for my School.
Another over 2 Hour Meeting.
So, tomorrow my clock is set for 5:15a.m
I know have to drive 24 minutes *(1 way) and I’m worried about the condition of my Vechile.
I just hope it lasts the rest of this Month because I’m trying to find a way *(with help) of getting a new/used car.
I arrived home at 7:50p.m and took out the trash and decided I wanted to Celebrate my New Job.
I went to the Pub/Grille I took my Mother to back in July *(07/06/19) and when my oldest Friend came into town back in January. *I had been there in May and then by myself ten days ago).
The atmosphere was good until a Gentleman arrived to pick up a To-Go Order and then sat two Bar Stools next to me.
He was very handome. Latino.
I have NEVER met a Latino since I moved here, 8.5 Months ago.
We ended up talking, then leaving to go to a place he likes to hang-out with his Amigos.
Then, to his Amigo’s house *(who I did not like, lies and bad vibes).
Then, we go to his house.
By then, I just wanted to go home.
Laundry, take a Bath, Finish my Paperwork, and be there for my sick Cat.
What ended up occurring is a tragedy in itself.
After arguing then weirdness then silence
We ended up sharing eachother, but he decides that it’s okay to choke me so hard, I can still feel it today.
I asked him to stop.
30 seconds later. He’s re-enacting the same event.
I got him off of me and ran outside.
He ran after me and was freaking out.
I asked the Whys etc.
His Responses were bizarre.
I left maybe 15-20 minutes after trying to make sense of it all with him.
It was 5:00a.m
I awoke at 10:25a.m to such pain around my neck and scum.
I felt dirty and angry.
I did try to Proceess it with my Counselor *(Fail).
And I opened up and revealed what happened to my Mother.
Yes, the sharing of eachother was consensual, but NOT the actions.
I’ve completed Laundry, and spoke with a Vet on Call that I have to call back in 2 Hours about trying to find a Game-Plan for my Cat, that can help and is in my Finances *(which is nothing).
So, I’m trying my best to forgot about last evening and this morning and concentrate on finishing Laundry, Reading my new Paperwork, and belping my Cat.
It’s going to be a long and trying week, and I cannot have this inside.
Good Morning, Wednesday.
The News Is As Follows:
My Eldest Cat Was Diagnosed With
Stage II-Stage III Kidney Disease.
His BUN read 180.
The Highest Level For A Feline, 30.
I noticed on Saturday, his dry food bowl was still completely full.
I thought maybe it was the heat. *(It was 83° in the Apartment).
Monday, I called a local Vet I googled.
They told me to wait another 24 Hours.
I called yesterday morning, and brought him at 9:30a.m *(I had to cancel an Interview due to this).
He seemed up-beat, even playful there.
We are new Clients, so we had to wait a bit.
When the Vet completed the
Physical Exam, she stated (“His R Kidney is enlarged).”
He went back for an X-Ray and Blood Work.
Almost 2 hours later, that’s when we got the Results/News.
The Vet said “With no Treatment Plan at all, he would be dead in a week.”
My Mother could not afford to lend me the money for the suggested Plan, so after $450.33 later, my Eldest Cat received a Sub Q Hydro Implant, Antibiotic *(Injection), and a Powder to put on his food to see if that assists in getting to eat again.
I then went to my local Grocery Store, and with finances I don’t have, purchased Eleven Cans of Wetfood, Chicken Broth*(Vet recommended it), and Baby Wipes to clean him *(A few other essentials too).
He still has not eaten, so I am going to try a different approach like I did five years ago, when he stopped eating and almost died.
And take advice from a College Friend whose Cat had Kidney Disease, and her feeding methods she used to help her Kittie.
So, on-top of everything, now I have to deal with my eldest Cat, dying.
He’s only 8.
He’s been with me for 5.5 years now.
He lost his Dog Brother to moving.
He lost his first Cat Brother due to a Premature Death.
My youngest Cat doesn’t understand what is occurring, but is aware something is going on, something is wrong. *(Yesterday morning, my youngest Cat was standing in the bedroom door way, looking at me. I prepared myself for the worst. He led me right to my eldest Cat, who was lying down in a place he never has here).
I knew, I had to take him in.
So, I’m going to try this late morning, to get him to eat and stay with me.
*Photo is from November 17, 2013.
He had only been in my Life for 8 Months.
He’s my Best-Friend.
We’ve been through so much together.
And, I don’t want his Life to end like this.
I Love You, My Beautiful Boy.
An illusion that no human can ever touch or photograph completely.
But, gives hope and wonder in and to our existence.”
Good Evening/Morning, Sunday.
Due To Going To Visit My Father *(Original Post Provided Above), My Job That One, Decided To Eliminate Me As Full-Time To Part-Time, Made The Decision On Friday, August 2 That Visiting My Father Is An “Unexcused Absence,” Therefore Friday, August 2. Was My Last Day.
And I say that with rage.
I was 11 days shy of my One Year Anniversary at my former Employer, Relocated for said former Employer, Everything that has occurred since I moved, then bringing the Program back to life, then asked to Create the Summer Program *(It was featured in the local Newspaper).
The decision is heartless and dictatorial.
The individual that made this decision “thinks” that being in HR for however years has anything to do with this is 100% untrue and is breaking the Disability Act of 1990.
So, with that being said,
I now have lost everything and it makes me so angry at choices and situations now.
I have future Employment, but it doesn’t begin until September, and Financially, I cannot hold out that long.
But, Friday after the decision was made, and I left, no tears were shed.
I went out looking for Work and then went to the Grille/Pub to mourn my loss *(The place I went with my Mother and oldest Friend), and came home exhausted and had an early evening due to an unexpected early Saturday rise.
6:30a.m awake, got ready and within a few hours found myself at my Future Employer, Painting for about 4 Hours.
We have an Event next Weekend, so were in crunch mode.
My new Employer, is a fantastic person, and has visions of great success for our new School, and myself *(for my new Employer’s self too).
Being busy on Saturday helped remind me of what is to come and recall who I am.
Yes, another loss, and I know I will grieve this Sunday, but it felt good that I was a part of building our new School.
When I arrived home, I was beat.
I quickly ran an errand, took a bath, laundry and prepared to leave to visit my Father.
I was able to get up North and that’s where I will be until this afternoon.
Monday holds a busy day:
and a Marketing Meeting at future Employment.
I am a Schedule individual, so I need to stay busy and productive.
I am in-hope that I can find a Job/Employment to hold me over until September, and I will be doing just that as I still prepare for future Employment.
I’m not giving up on my new School.
The dream is almost there.
Good Afternoon, Thursday.
Two years ago, I was moving, still had a great Job, my Cat was alive, my Family was alive, and I was okay.
I am sitting in a Hospital, visiting my Father while I am counting down the hours I have to depart. *(Not in a sinister way).
Everything is upside down, and I am overwhelmed physically and emotionally.
After yesterday, I couldn’t catch my breath, and this morning receiving the news that I should come today and not wait until the Weekend *(Or even Friday),
I literally cannot catch my breath.
What is happening?
Yesterday, I just wanted to lay on electricity and taste all the seasons at once and everything stand still, erased.
Now, I have more on my back without the support I need and I am just tired.
I am excpected to just take it all and without support.
The girl has become a ghost and the wall is in ruins.
But, like I posted yesterday, if I had pockets, they would be empty with hope.
Good early Evening Sunday.
I managed to get a little cleaning done and about 4 hours of two separate chapters of slumber.
I also spoke with my Mother.
This morning, 80 Minutes.
1.5 Hours ago for exactly 36 minutes.
That was the rough conversation, when she yells/screams at me with impatience and not letting me help her to understand where I am at.
She apologized as I began to weep.
Yes, she can still level me.
But, I think it’s due to being more vulnerable than ever.
I’m open to being hurt.
Before, I was impenetrable.
The largest brick-wall ever masterfully constructed around my heart.
But, I think/know, my Disability changed that all *(as well as my Divorce), and consistent loss.
Now, I am patiently waiting for the rest of my Rx to reveal all great side-effects.
I’m hoping for sooner rather than later.
As I wait, I read my
Monthly Horoscope via Elle.
It usually is spot-on, but only a few things have been accurate.
I still have books to finish, so next Sunday, I plan on pushing through Zodiac.
I have only three weeks left of Full-Time Work *(And it’s Summer Camp).
I’m still in shock about what happened and I don’t know how to deal/process it.
Yes, another loss.
Two years of consecutive loss.
And this truly was my last thread at any hope, my Job, to remain positive even though I’m struggling.
Now, it’s all gone.
And I’ve lost everything.
It’s extremely hard to go into Work/Educate now, knowing the clock is ticking, and it takes everything out of me to keep my soul in check. I don’t want my Students to EVER know my sadness.
I don’t know why these things keep happening, or what the big lessson is, but after truly losing everything, what is expected from me?
This is what’s left.
And I don’t know how it will all survive.
Good Morning, Sunday.
Awoke to 2.5 hours of slumber and my youngest Cat sleeping on my arm.
I managed another hour, but have been open eyes since.
In deep Depression.
Monday, July 22, I was told my Position went from Full-Time to Part-Time beginning in 3 Weeks.
I was told others would be effected too.
But, as far as I know, I am the only one.
And, that makes me angry, hurt, sad.
So, what to do?
Have to find more Work/Educate.
Back to this Weekend:
Friday, was good. As in I was okay with being alone and was not thinking about the news I received.
It hit like a brick wall.
So, I began my Saturday at 8:20ish.
I didn’t care.
I finished reviewing Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas then I decided to just watch regular ol Television.
I found myself engaged with a Television Series I promised myself after early 2014, I would never watch again.
And I didn’t.
Now, I’m caught in nightmares, the past, and uneasy.
I took a slumber break at Noon and I told myself, I would wake at 4.
Did not return to dreams until 3:00a.m.
Now, I am waiting for rest and my phone to charge so I can contact the people I need to.
This depression is bad.
And, I see myself only going down further.
Another tale of loss.