Good Morning, Sunday.
What a Weekend.
Too short for sure.
Friday, I ran around like crazy, then actually sat at my kitchen table and finished watching two movies I had paused.
Everything was going well, until my (late) Cat’s Urn fell to the floor and popped open.
I was hysterical.
After EVERYTHING I went through with his premature death, I never wanted to look inside.
Then when I try to close the Urn, it wasn’t working.
Awoke to not recalling what time I went to dreams, still in Work Clothes *(this happened twice this week. On a weekday I was awake at 3:00a.m doing laundry due to opening my eyes and realizing I never changed/took my bath).
Return to Saturday.
7:23a.m, up and doing laundry, took a quick bath and laid down hoping to get some sleep.
My Disability, on fire, I already knew this Saturday would be interrupted.
I was supposed to go on a Date.
Instead of just messaging to cancel without divulging the why’s, I message “Good Morning from Work on Saturday!”
What the f?
I am not telling a complete Stranger that I have a Disability and I physically cannot do anything today.
People don’t care.
I should know.
I was still in-shock regarding the “Bye,” as my Co-Worker was messaging me. *(This Co-Worker only Works/Educates with us during our Summer Program *(That I created this year). And, she Works/Educates downstairs, so really, any time we get to talk at Work is in passing or Field-Trips.
But, she needed my ear yesterday.
And I was there for her, even though I was in so much pain.
I realized it was late *(meaning after 11:30a.m), which is when I always call my Mother.
I called, and she had to call me back.
I missed her call and had to call her back.
We spoke for 38 minutes.
She had to get ready for a Birthday Party. *(Her Best-Friend’s Grandson was turning two).
My Mother sounded well.
Not filled with the Anxiety like last Weekend.
We had a nice talk, and she had to help me again with a Bill I could not afford. *(My Paycheck was missing 9 Hours due to no longer having Sick/Vacation to cover any days we are off *(Like Friday, 07/5, we had off, but I did not get paid).
My Mother had to go, and she wanted me to call her tomorrow, today in the morning *(I told her about the event that occurred Friday Evening and I was overwhelmed and hurt, crying, so she was worried. Worried because of things I have shared and my past/passed mental health and being alone).
My Co-Worker text me throughout the day.
I didn’t mind.
I decided I was going to begin my Saturday at twop.m., completing my Saturday Routine as I finished reviewing The Kids Are Alright *(Love that movie).
I then watched two Episodes on Biography *(I subscribed to the Channel. I am going to cancel it).
By 5p.m I received a message that made me very upset.
I was going to make a quick run anyway, but found myself in 90° Heat for over 30 minutes.
I returned and decided to clean the Catbox quickly. *(It was up to 84° in the house) and took literally the rest of the day into night to reach the set 73.
I quickly cleaned the Catbox and changed and had extra laundry to do.
Now, after 7:30p.m, I wanted to settle in.
I did. Finishing the second Episode on Biography, watching Music Videos, listening to Music, and remembering it is the 75th Anniversary of my Great-Uncle’s Death in WWII.
I made a poor decision and ordered Food *(It was too hot to cook).
And, I should have saved that $18.99.
And the food was not even good.
I stayed awake until 3:00a.m.
I opened my eyes at 7:00a.mish out of a deep slumber and thought about today.
I have a few dishes to do and get ready for tomorrow, but other than that, I want a restful day.
This up-coming Week, In the High 80s and 90s°, and there is a Field-Trip everyday.
So, this week will be hell on my body.
But, I have to do it and just try my best.
Means, extra Rx’s and early nights this week. *(Last Week, I stayed up until 11:00p.m. and since I literally wake a minimum 5 times a night, it’s still not enough sleep).
I ate everyday last week, which is havoc on my body due to Gastroparesis and my Disability.
So, this week will be very trying.
But, it has to be done.
I added the second photo/painting because I feel I need a Vacation/Travel.
But, with living less than Paycheck to Paycheck, it is impossible right now.
I miss Traveling.
I am in hope, I can Travel again soon.
Time is running.
75 Years Ago, Today,
My Great-Uncle Was KIA In France During WWII. *(After being injured).
Original Post Date:
June 6, 2014.
June 6, 2016.
It’s been 72 years to the date, that
D-Day happened in our history.
I have told the story of how my
Great-Uncle stormed Omaha Beach on
June 7, 1944 with the 29th Infantry Division.
How he was wounded.
Spent 4 weeks in a French Medical Tent.
Then was killed in combat on 07/13/1944.
Laid to rest in France.
Easky, County Sligo, Ireland.
But, this is not the story I’m going to tell.
March 1, 2008.
Haining, Zhejiang Province, China.
Oasis Bar & Grill.
I was accompanying three co-workers of mine, at a local pub rat from Australia.
We arrived to Techno music blaring, people dancing, pool playing, and many drunk foreigners.
My eyes met another foreigner.
I sat across from him as he spoke with a heavy European accent.
We shook hands, opened a bottle of Chinese red wine, and exchanged life stories.
His name, Thoerge Kerntopf.
He went by Thor.
He served in the Bundeswehr.
Deployed to Somalia and Bosnia(where he was wounded. I noticed the ear and face scar, but he provided me with the details of his war paint).
He resided in Indonesia with his wife
He was on a business trip.
Some how, after a few bottles of wine, the past began to secrete, pouring in slowly.
I asked him if he was from Berlin.
His accent was noticeable.
He said his family was.
In my head, the numbers began computing.
Years. Plus. Minus.
I didn’t want to know.
I asked about his Family.
He became quiet.
Maybe the wine was killing him.
He then said
“It’s something we don’t bring up. We never talk about it.”
I blurted, “My Great-Uncle was 19.
He lost his Mother when he was 11.
He was my Great-Grandfather’s only son.”
His eyes lowered with tears.
He said he was sorry for my pain.
He then whispered, “We were supposed to meet. Think about it.”
Then I knew.
He opened his heart.
“My Grandfather was a Nazi.
I don’t talk about it.
It’s a secret within my Family.
This is why I joined the Army.
I wanted to help others.
It took every molecule of my lineage not to cry.
My first thought?
His grandfather killed my
My face turned a deep shade of red.
I was sweating anger.
Thor sensed my change.
He grabbed my hands.
He again told me this meeting was
He asked me to have a late night dinner with him.
I was floating.
I couldn’t breathe.
I said Yes.
Midnight Noodle shop at 3:00a.m
We took the food to go.
We ended our destiny in his hotel room.
He took his black shirt off.
He laid down.
Closed his eyes.
I opened a Rum Breezer.
I sat on the opposite side of the room.
I couldn’t move.
He said in his German Accent
“Sarah, you healed me.
Please lay next to me.
I just want to lay here and hold your hand.”
And I did.
The next morning it hit me.
I was further away from my own forgiveness as I wept in my dormroom.
I called my Husband.
I told him everything.
He was quiet.
I then confessed,
“I could have killed him.
Revenge for the pain my family has suffered. Revenge for my People.
For my Great-Uncle.”
That broke the shocking silence.
I never saw Thor again.
I left China a month and a half later due to my husband being re-deployed to Iraq.
Sometimes, I don’t know what or how I
feel about March 1, 2008.
But, two people, long ago enemies, held hands with certainty.
Forgiveness is a possibility.
Maybe one day I can.
“Brothers, sisters, where are you now?
As I look for you right through the crowd.
All my life here I’ve spent,
With my faith in God the Church and the Government.
But there’s sadness abound,
Some day soon they’re gonna pull the old town down.
One day we’ll return here.
So come back Billy, won’t you come on home?
Come back Mary, you’ve been away so long.
The streets are empty, and your mother’s gone.
The girls are crying, it’s been oh so long.
And your father’s calling, come on home.
Won’t you come on home, won’t you come on home?
Come back people, you’ve been gone a while,
And the war is raging, through the Emerald Isle.
That’s flesh and blood man, that’s flesh and blood,
All the girls are crying but all’s not lost.
The streets are empty, the streets are cold.
Won’t you come on home, won’t you come on home?
The streets are empty,
Life goes on.
One day we’ll return here,
When the Belfast Child sings again.”
Dedicated to my late
Great-Uncle Charles ‘Brother’ Moffatt who was killed in action on
July 13, 1944.
August 3, 2016
Last Night I Had To Quit Half Of My Hours At KSU.
I Spoke W/ My Boss Today (who covered my 2:10-4:00a.m Class), And She Said The Following:
‘Yes, I actually took over yesterday and they were asking where you were, and were hoping you would continue teaching them for the rest of the classes, so I’m really glad it’s going to work out. :)’
Bridging The Cultural Gap Is VERY Important To Me.
This Is One Of The Most Conservative Universities In The World, W/ A Conservative Religion/Culture.
And, They Asked About My Well-Being.
What It Takes In This Existence, Is To Be A Citizen Of The World.
My Late Great-Uncle(who gave his Life to stop The Holocaust) And Gloria Steinem Would Be Proud.
My (late) Great-Uncle Gave His Life Against The Nazi Regime At The Age Of 19
(After being wounded at Normandy).
He Was Aware of The Atrocities Against The Jewish People, Catholics, Gypsies, The Disabled, And Anyone Who Was Against The Party.
His Own Country, Being Destroyed For Thousands Of Years, Felt As The Only Son (and his own Mother passing away when he was only Eleven Years Old).
He Knew This World Was Being Destroyed By Hate.
The Horror He Witnessed/Experienced, He Recorded It In Letters And Sent Them To His Girlfriend.
He Crosses Through France With G Company/175th Infantry 29 Division.
Anne Frank Heard Over The Radio, That ‘G Company Were On Their Way To Liberate Amsterdam.’
I HEARD THIS RECORDING AT THE ANNE FRANK HUIS.
I Kept It All In.
When I Arrived To Barcelona That Evening, After A Wonderful Meal At Our Hotel In Castelldefels, I Went Into The Bathroom And PHYSICALLY Collapsed.
My Friend Came Running In.
I Was Weeping Hysterically.
I Told Her
‘She Was Talking About MyGreat-Uncle Over The Radio.’
He Was Coming For Her.
That Moment, I Knew Besides My 3x Great-Uncle, Count Gyula Andrássy, It’s In My Blood To Make This World A Better Place Through Education.
I Will See You One Day ‘Brother.’
You Are My Hero.
Good Morning, Sunday.
How I have been in slumber for approximately four-five hours.
What a waste of a 4 Day Weekend.
Why am I cursed, doomed to never enjoy time off when it’s not during a Work/Educate Day, and I have to stay home due to illness, etc?
Thursday, I watched 1 movie, and was in dreams by 5p.m. only to wake at 9:23p.m, sick.
Friday, spent the entire day/evening in bed quite ill.
Took 3 doses of Antibiotic.
Woke at my usual 5:23a.m on the dot, but didn’t get up until after 7a.m.
Completed my Saturday Routine, and then some since my Mother was coming down for a serious Visit.
I still wasn’t feeling 100%, but I tried.
She arrived a little after Noon, but I missed two phone calls and her knocking on my front-door while I was hurrying, cleaning the bathroom to her liking.
She was waiting for at least 6 minutes.
She brought up three things she purchased for me *(which I am forever grateful), and we didn’t sit long.
Her Anxiety was cracking.
So, we departed first to my local Starbucks *(We shared a Venti) then off to another Town to Kohl’s. (I had forgotten awhile back, I received a $25.00 Gift Card from my Mother to Kohl’s, but after the Car Accident, I can’t drive far).
So, I was able to get another new pair of Pants for Work/Educate and two Tops.
The Tops can work all year round, and the Pants, Spring-Autumn.
She purchased three items for my sick Father.
We were at the Store for awhile due to being separated *(I had never been to this location), and I tried a few things on and was indecisive on what to purchase.
Kohl’s used to be my playground.
I had to wear Suits, and Dress Clothes when I was an Adjunct Prof. so closet was filled with many, many brands from Kohl’s.
Now, that I look back, I had not been to a Kohl’s since December 2016.
After my Mother and I departed from the store and memories of how I used to be, We got lost, and then we returned to my town about 20 minutes later.
We went to my local Grocery Store where she helped purchase 6 additional items for me. *(Two extra,for my Cats, her Furgrandsons).
We loaded up my Father’s old Jeep *(My Mother drives it now), and hurried off to eat somewhere local).
We went to the Pub/Grille that I hung-out at with my oldest Friend when he was randomly in town back in January *(January 7 to be precise).
I did go on a Date there back on May 3rd with Him *(our last Date too), but that was not a pleasurable evening between Him and I.
So, I took the memories from my oldest Friend and I, and my Mother and I had a good time. *(At first, I thought we would have to change Restaurants, but then she settled, Anxiety better, and enjoyed her time).
After dinner *(which was quicker than usual due to my Mother’s Anxious Schedule), we returned to my place, we unloaded the few bags, and she just freaked *(A word used throughout my childhood and adolescents by my Father)
She was in such anxiety that she was departing an hour later then she anticipated, and her nerves wrecked me.
I mean, brought to tears after she left.
I sat on my *(late) Grandfather’s Couch/Futon, and had to put on music to drown out the tears that fell. I actually had to grab a kleenex tissue to keep my Make-Up from running.
I waited for 8 minutes to pass before I called her.
She was driving, and I was quite upset about how she left.
She apologized, and we spoke for a few minutes.
She messaged me when she made it back north, and sent a “Sorry” message along with making it back.
I decided to try and relax with my Cats, but unfortunately my Saturday evening was interrupted by someone needing help.
I did help, but was not happy that I couldn’t just sit and be still, enjoy my hours, my time.
Awoke to a 7a.m call.
I will return to the book I am currently reading, Zodiac, and try to enjoy my last day of a busted 4 day Weekend.
What’s on the record player?
Queen, A Kind Of Magic. 1986.
Who Wants To Live Forever.
I listened to this as the kleenex tissue held my Make-Up together as tears tried to fall.
Family is difficult.
Mine has always been.
And, it still holds me in a dark place when moments like yesterday occurr when time is running.
No matter how you look at the image, the reflection/pain remains the same.
Good Afternoon, Friday.
A perfectly wasted Friday.
Not to mention, a 4 Day Weekend.
I can never win.
I get a 3 or four day Weekend, and I become ill to the point of bedridden.
Sinuses, Throat, Ears.
And just feel blah.
And I’m disappointed because I was going to take today, and rest anyway, but not sick to the point of needed Meds.
And I have plans to see my Mother tomorrow.
And this is a much needed/serious trip/visit.
So, all in all,
Watched the latest Jo Koy Special: Comin’ In Hot. Netflix.
Cooked GF Ramen, HOPING it would make me feel better.
Strange and bizarre Dreams.
But, that’s the day light for ya.
Did Dishes from earlier.
Now, back in bed.
It’s 77° in the house, and I feel hotter.
I’m just tired of wasted days.
Especially, how hard I worked/Educated this 3 day Week.
In 3 days, I went on two Field-Trips *(1 was for five hours in 87° Weather), and in three days, I Worked/Educated, 29 Hours. *I was granted permission to work Overtime, Tuesday and Wednesday on the count I an not getting paid for Today due to Zero Vacation time.
And, my Landlord just stopped by *(Randomly) to pick-up Rent.
So, I had to drag myself out of bed and I could feel, I am getting worse.
So, good call on the
I am going to take my Rx sooner than later, and another dose of the Antibiotic and hope it works/helps fight this stupid infection.
How I feel.
Great Album Cover, and one of my favorite Albums in general.
Talking Heads, Remain In Light. 1980.
Remain in light.
I want a the rest of my Weekend to be stellar.
Good Almost Late Morning Sunday.
What a Weekend and Week.
I’m wrecked in everyway, shape, form.
Work/Educate has become a cryptic puzzle now that I must just do my Work and try my best because it’s not good enough now.
I spent the entire Weekend indoors, in this Apartment, in this bedroom and livingroom *(kitchen too, Friday and last night).
So much pain *(New Problem, Elbow).
I had to take a break completing my Friday Errands.
I ended up sleeping on my (late) Grandfather’s Couch/Futon and waking to a angry 17lb Cat, meowing so loud, I was woken from a REM Cycle.
It was 5:22a.m.
I moved to the bedroom, the bed.
I couldn’t fall back into slumber, and still in my Work Outfit, I decided
And I did.
By 8:05a.m, I was drained.
Like someone, something was extracting all my energy from my body and mind.
I fell into dreams for an hour.
But, that’s the day-light for you.
I called my Mother at 10:24a.m and we had to speak.
A LOT is happening/hurting in my immediate Family right now, and we needed to speak, talk about painful occurrences.
Past hurt and death some how entered our talk, and it brought unwanted crying.
After, I still felt this strange sensation of my energy being depleted, I tried to “rest.”
What is Rest?
I can never find it.
I reached out to my Specialist 25 minutes past our hour, and nothing.
So, I decided to begin my Saturday,
Back to alone.
I finished watching Zodiac *(I FINALLY found the Book! I started reading the Non-fiction Crime Novel on Friday, and read 40 more pages yesterday).
I then watched What Lies Beneath.
I love that movie.
Michelle Pfeiffer is fantastic in that movie *(And doesn’t age)!
I took a break about almost 95% through the movie due to restlessness and my mind.
Getting stuck in my mind was a tough one yesterday.
I did end up completing the movie, listened to music, watched t.v, and quickly cooked something for the Week *(The Temperature would not dip below 81° in the house for hours).
I ended up in dreams after 2:00a.m.
GREAT, fantastical dreams.
I was in a serious Relationship with Nikki Sixx.
The Nikki Sixx now.
Happy, Healthy, Clean.
We were together, happy *(It’s from the recent photographs I have seen of him and his Wife, they look very happy together, and he stated “I like being married.” *He’s been married before, but maybe all the years passing Clean, it changed him for the better).
We were going to his Gigs *(His Band Sixx:A.M.), Meeting People at gatherings, laughing, cooking.
It was nice.
For 61, he looks great. Especially, after all the partying he did.
I awoke to my youngest Cat trying to burrow under my forearm.
I tried to reenter, establish the Dream as my eyes became heavy once more, but no such luck.
Very irritated, agitated, angry.
So, I spoke with my Mother, I washed the dish that I used last evening to cook, and fed the Cats.
I will return to my Book, until it’s time for Rx and hopeful dreams.
I just listened to
The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack by Sixx:A.M. 2008.
The Soundtrack is good. Different.
Better than what was supposed to be from a Music lover and historian.
I posted two exceptionally well written quotes that mirror my own destiny.
That’s all I have to say.
Good Afternoon, Sunday.
I spoke to my Father for maybe a minute.
He is busy. Recovering too.
I spoke with my Mother for 70 minutes.
We did not speak yesterday, so it was a nice talk. *(Moments of sadness, but not with eachother).
My Mother is surprising my Father with a Father’s Day dinner later today. *(He doesn’t know the location, but will like the place).
I tried recalling memories of Father’s Day when I was a child.
I truly couldn’t.
I had to ask my Mother.
She really couldn’t remember either.
That made me sad.
*I do wish I could see my Father today. It’s been years, since we celebrated Father’s Day together.
This Weekend itself has been touched with bits of sadness.
Friday Night, I fell asleep, still in my Work clothes, but busted my ass getting a lot completed.
Awoke to a 6:23a.m call and just started moving from there:
By 8a.m, I decided I wanted to actually start my Saturday, so I finished watching Saving Private Ryan and The Godfather Part II.
By 1p.m, I was spent.
So, I went to bed.
I awoke 3 hours later from a deep slumber and awoke many times after, then awoke to Tornado Sirens at 10:25p.m.
After the calm, I tried to lay back down, but couldn’t.
I called him back and he told me he wanted to be alone due to what happened at his Job.
Plus, I wasn’t feeling the greatest.
*He and I have not seen eachother in two weeks.
That’s the longest since we’ve met.
But, I think it’s good right now.
I’m in a different, sad place and he has changed.
We do message eachother during the week.
Either early morning, on my Break, or before I head to sleep.
But, even our messages are different *(with the exception of this past Tuesday. He sent a Morning Message, how it used to be. I’ll be honest, it was nice).
So, after the calm, and being restless, I decided at 11:25p.m, I would finish reviewing The Godfather Part III.
Now, the Trilogy is complete.
I have not seen these Films back to back like this in probably over 15 years.
Then I began Vicky Cristina Barcelona.
About half way through, boredum and sadness, missing my Travels *(I’ve been to Spain. Barcelona and Castelldefels).
I began, Control.
About half way through the Film, I took a peek at the hour, 4a.m
I’m trying to stay up later since my Summer Schedule is different and assist with Sunday Anxiety.
I found dreams, only to awake at 8:50a.m
I did the Dishes, tidy up, and was hoping for a low-anxiety day.
My Eldest Cat vomited again, all over the kitchen.
I have to take him to the Vet.
*My Mother offered to pay.
And my stomach interrupted my conversation with my Mother for the second time *(First was Cat Puke and re-cleaning).
Now, I need to charge my phone so I can return the many missed calls to my Friend, and hopefuly have a good Sunday.
I feel so underappreciated and alone.
Yes, I am alone.
But, I feel it in my Soul.
It’s saddening to think I don’t have any friends here.
And every Weekend is the same *(except when he was in the picture).
I ask, when will I find someone that I can call a Friend, or when will I find a Person I am happy with and it sticks?
As Don Henley says “Time is ticking, ticking away.”