I just realized I am 8 Days behind on my monthly Chapter.
I’m currently in bed beyond what someone could label sick *(Sinus And Ear Infection again).
It took 3 hours just to move to start my Medication again (Last night).
But, something else is going on.
I’ve had Tachycardia for 72 Hours now (very dangerous for someone like myself) and This Sinus/Ear Infection hit me like a wall around 7:00 post meridiem yesterday.
I woke yesterday morning, sick to my stomach. Took Ginger and an over-the-counter Medication.
I felt exhausted, but sick in a way that was alarming.
My Parents were supposed to come down (again).
We’ve been trying to make Plans since March 24, but Mother Nature decided to dump a blizzard where I live.
The following weekend, unfortunately, both my Parents were sick. *(I became sick later on the same day).
So, we planned for April 7.
Well, I had a week of hell at Work, was out on Thursday, received my Cat’s Ashes on Thursday evening, and Friday was a horrific day back at work.
My body cannot sustain much longer (physically), but I’m mentally a ghost.
So, return to yesterday morning. Was supposed to Educate (3 Classes), I could not (even Online).
My Disability was on fire and I just felt so beat-up, that I couldn’t.
I spoke with my Mother at 11:45 in sunlight, contemplating our Reschuduled Plans.
I was sad, angry that I was so consumed from the stress from my Job on Friday, and depleted by my Disability and Stomach Issues.
So, we spoke for 24 minutes, and I made the decision to weather my body’s storm and have then come and Visit *(It’s exactly 111 Miles between us).
They made it down about 2:45 post meridiem.
I had the Day Planned as I did on March 24.
But, tell me why, that particular Saturday I was feeling great. *(The day after my Cat passed away too).
So, I took them to the:
1. David Davidson Mansion Tour.
They actually really enjoyed it.
2. Picked Up Groceries I Had Ordered.
3. Then Took Them On A Tour Of The Town *(My Father was driving [a plus] and they have only been down here three times to visit [my Father Solo on 8/12/17 to help me unpack/put together my new place).
4. Then I surprised them with a Fancy Dinner (Grubhub) since it was after 6.
I feel like Death. Yes, my Disability is always at the starting gate, but my ears, sinuses, and body were in so much pain.
I was so depressed.
I just wanted to spend time with both of my Parents, whom I have not seen together since December 30, 2017.
I wanted to talk about my Job (I was able to tell my Mother over the morning conversation what had occurred on Friday), but I wanted to talk about my late Cat, their lives, catch-up as a Family does.(ESPECIALLY, after my tragic Birthday Weekend. Then I didn’t see them again for four months).
It shouldn’t have NEVER been like that. They are both sixty, working Full-Time(My Father still Manual Labor) and my Mother at a newer Employer that is stressful.
No More Job/Income.
And now the Job I’m trying my best at is literally dismantling my Disability and Health.
So, the discussion was brought up again, that I most likely will have to return home.
Something I do not want.
But, what other options do I have?
After my Parents left,
I changed and listened to Guided Meditation while I was melting into my sheets.
I did not understand.
So, when I saw the Cellular Clock read 11, I forced every particle of myself to start my Second Round of Antibiotics *(That come with very unpleasant side effects).
I made it back into bed, opening my eyes at 2:20 ante meridiem and decided to crawl out of my shelter and take my other Medicaton and then a box of Orange Juice *(I bought a six pack when I began my new Job, knowing my Immune System would need Vitamin C).
Eyes opened again at 7:30 ante meridiem (I think once before, but I was so delirious), and again making my way to my Medication and Water with the very unpleasant side effects.
I have been awake since.
Tachycardia is one to blame.
I’m behind worrisome now.
I have to return to my Job tomorrow *(Schedule is day by day until Friday) and I literally do not know how I’m going to make it.
So, I’m going to rest my bones, my eyes, my mind.
I have my Clock set for Medication Times then prepare for the inevitable.
I am happy I did get to see/short visit with both of my Parents.
There’s been too much darkness in my Life and they have so much of their own afflictions, time is running out.
I am Disabled.
And I worked until I couldn’t get out of bed this morning.
I worked 8 Days *(March 26 to April 4).
*(March 12-13 were Training, so 5 Hours. And March 23 I went in 2.5 Hours late due to my Cat’s passing).
Every day was becoming more and more demanding on my body.
On Tuesday, April 3, I received a phone call on my 1 Hour lunch break at exactly 1:34p.m
It was the Vet. calling me with the Preliminary Results From The Necropsy.
We spoke for 16 Minutes and 27 seconds.
This Conversation took place in Public and on Speaker Phone.
I am not okay with the Results because I was right.
Now, I’m in a place more alone than ever since I moved here and I have no one.
No one to express my pain to.
No one to talk about how I feel about everything that has been occurring these last five months.
No one to hug and tell me I am not alone.
Just a hug, an embrace would help ease my sorrow.
Now, I tried to work/educate outside my home Full-Time *(Something, I have never done since I became Disabled).
Yesterday, was my body’s breaking point.
I was so sick, my chest was caving in most of the day, blood pooling, fatigue, weak
All of what Dysautonomia does to me, but heightened due to the stress from aniexty about work/Income then a sadness for my Cat’s passing, pushing me under.
I woke today at 6:15 ante meridiem knowing, feeling my body and mind can not continue.
But, now this leaves me with nothing.
It’s 9:46 now.
This cold and cloudy Thursday, and I should be at work.
I feel defeated, broken, lost.
I want to close my eyes and wake to my old Job/Career and my Cat sleeping next to me.
These are not things one asks for in material, fantastical, dreams.
These are existence, survival.
Every night tears flood my pillow as I beg for my Cat to come back, that I’m sorry.
It’s been almost two weeks (tomorrow) since his premature passing and I feel it happens every day when I wake up *(I found him where I put my feet on the floor every morning when I get out of bed).
I feel there is a stillness, permanent ache in this house now.
No Cat *(Yes, I have another Cat, but in eight months I have had to say Goodbye to two animals and my Cat was my shadow, my soul.
8:23 ante meridiem.
Like mental clock work.
Thunder collapsing all around me like I was in a white squall.
I couldn’t breathe, heart rate in Tachycardia.
Someone call for help.
I re-organize my sight. My mind is racing.
Tears flood the aging bed.
Drowning in stillness.
My Cat, gone
Why is this darkness, cloud following me, hurting me, ripping my life apart?
He was only 4.5 years old.
I only spent 7.5 Months with him before I became Disabled.
This August, would have been 4 years together.
My Shadow, My Soul, My Little Boy.
Remember, *I Had To Do This Eight Months Ago With My Dog. Let Him Go After 9 Years.
Yes, He’s Alive, But I Haven’t Received:
Now, my Cat passes away?
Well, in 5 Days, it’s three years.
Three year Anniversary of being Disabled.
And now, I have to Teach outside my house since I have no steady income, so I should be dead soon.
Maybe he knew.
All the terrible things, crumbling around us and me back in December making my way to stand on the Railroad Tracks.
Well, I have a week to wait
Wait for the Necropsy Results.
I have to call Cremation tomorrow.
My baby is sitting in a Veterinary Morgue, and I don’t know why.
When I was holding his body at the Emergency Clinic, He felt alive.
I kept whispering, Buddy, please
Please come back.
I wanted his spirit to know I was there, begging for him to come back.
He had a tear in one of his eyes.
I wiped it away and closed it.
Now, everymorning I wake up, the first thing I see is his body.
That’s where I found him.
Now, this room, this house will never be the same.
March 23, 2018.
My Furson Leonardo Foltok Passed Away Suddenly.
I Woke To My Other Cat (Jackson) Pouncing On Him.
I Was Half Asleep, Just Thought They Were Fighting.
Then (Jackson) Wouldn’t Stop.
I Rolled Over, And Leonardo Was Lying On The Floor Next To The Bed.
I Picked Him Up.
He Was Warm, But, Not Moving.
I Rushed Him To The Only Emergency Animal Clinic, And They Told Me, He Must Have Just Passed. *(I was woken up at 5:30a.m).
He Was Only 4.5 Years Old.
So, They Called It An Acute Death.
But, They Don’t Know Why He Died, So I Sent Him To U of I For A Necropsy.
*(It’s the only location that does it within the area).
It Will Take A Week For Results.
I Have To Know Why He Passed Away.
*The Second Clinic I Took Him To *(where he will be picked up)
Did A Paw Print And A Little Kitty Glass Vile Of His Fur.
Free Of Charge.
*I got to hold him in the towel they had at the Emergency Clinic For Almost 35 Minutes.
I Don’t Know How I Will Be Without Him. I feel more alone than ever.
He Was My Shadow, My Soul.
The Only Pet To Chose Me.
He Was Literally With Me 24/7 Since We Moved Here.
Leonardo, Why Did You Leave?
I Love You Forever.
My Little Boy.
After This Late Afternoon, I Know Where I Stand At The Company I’ve Dedicated Myself For 22 Months/7 Days A Week.
My COO made sure I don’t matter even in how passionate I am about Education and how devote I am even in Disability.
He made sure that I felt as if everyting I ever accomplished in the 22 Months is short of nothing and that everyone is struggling too even though he is a Millionaire (as well at the entire Student Body and Upper Management).
Thank You for trying to make me feel worthless when my life is crumbling, ripping at the seams, but you would never understand.
1. You’ve never been an Educator.
2. You’re extremely wealthy.
3. You’re not Disabled.
Remember that as you look at your soul.
February 10, 2018.
Good evening, after a very difficult time of life, I decided not to take my Medication that induces sleep and releases me from my Disability (partial to some at it’s finest release).
I chose to watch a Film I watched, (in segments the last view) ‘Children of a Lesser God.’
I made the decision to watch this film (I own it on Amazon Prime/Roku) because I am struggling with the fact I have been an Educator for twelve years now (even Post-Disability) and my current Position is bleeding me dry. *Also, in reflection. When I was ten, I had a friend, Jennie. She was Deaf. She taught me a lot of ASL. People tormented her and I had already been tortured myself, so we had a secret bond.
I remember, August 1, 2016, we launched Version 2.0 of our Work and as the Educator, I was stoked. Not just how many hours I was teaching (Average 45-52 Hours a Week/7 Days A Week), but what we had to offer to our Students. Then to watch them evolve and become Graduates and continue on to the University of their Dreams was not just a part of my Career but was subconsciously healing me (My internal emotional pain from my Disability).
My hard work extended into 2017 (7 Days A Week) all the way to late November of 2017. Performing at the top level among my colleagues (Performance Reviews), I felt I would remain in this Position forever.
It just stopped. As I have reiterated before, no reason, explanation, direction, just stopped.
Now, if one is unfamiliar with ‘Children of a Lesser God,’ (it was a Play first then adapted for the Screen by the Playwright, Mark Madoff.
James Leeds(William Hurt), The Speech Pathologist Teacher whose passion was to change how students were learning. He wanted his students to speak and have the chance to utilize both Speech and Sign Language as tools to communicate.
He was brilliant at it. He truly cared about his Profession as an Educator and his students lives.
I am the same.
I have given my life to my Career, and I am Disabled now, and I never stopped Teaching.
I can’t. *(Educators and Principals run in my Family/Maternal).
I can no longer teach in a physical Classroom, so my options are the 1% of the Academic Job Market.
I do not posses a PhD *(another dream of mine crushed), so I cannot Teach for major Universities Online.
But, I got lucky. I started with the Test Prep. world before I was Disabled, and that led me into a Full-Time Career again Online.
But, the way I have been treated these last three months, is burying me.
I wrote this a year ago:
I’m Headed To My First Interview(45 Minutes) Since July 2016. It Saddens Me.
See You Soon Korea.
“I’m locked inside here
Want to stay
With people who aren’t here
All the way
The hurt doesn’t show
But, the pain still grows.
We were a Family.”
*There was an Incident at my Job (the only one I ever had) when I thought it was over by the way my COO and former Direct Boss spoke to me. **Within a Month, things normalized between myself and my former Direct Boss.
But, the second part of that Post is beyond painfully accurate today.
I know, no Job is guaranteed, but when One works as hard and is as dedicated as I am even with the lack of gratitude and now, financial crisis, it is pushing me into a position without future options.
I never left the Classroom. It left me.
Not my Students, but by people who have never been educators, guides and have never experienced the magnificence of changing someone’s life.
I still give my 100% everyday, but I’m losing the pedagogical race from the Capital war.
And it’s killing me.
How will they remember me?
I hope they know
I gave a piece of my heart to every Class I’ve ever taught since 2006.
Even in Disability.
Teacher of a Lesser God.
A Noun but an Adverb that is attached/labeled to my Blog.
Middle of the Week, sometimes no where.
Sometimes, in pieces.
8:23 ante meridiem
I am so sick, I cannot find myself.
After 2.5 hours of routines and I Rescheduled my Follow-Up for tomorrow morning *(No way I could drive).
Clean up a disastrous kitchen, memory is returning.
Then as the moon aligns, I message a friend who has been a part of me for twenty-three years. *(Technically 24, but we were not friends yet).
Her and I have been trying to find time to catch-up via telephone. *(I haven’t seen her in the flesh since 2003).
Today, was the day.
We spoke for 1 Hour 5 Minutes Facebook Call Then 2 Hours 34 Minutes Mobile Talk.
It has been about 4 years since we talked that long voice to voice.
I was stoked to hear her.
First, her accent heavier then when she lived in Chicago, but an accent I’m familiar with.
But, it was her.
The same girl I saw in 1994 wearing a blue dress with a flower print and white dress flats *(I knew by her attire, she was not from Chicago).
She had long beautiful brown hair and big brown eyes with this contagious smile *(that her daughter now has).
I was sitting kitty corner at another lunch table, and I heard her spoke.
I thought My God, she sounds like my Father.
Sure enough, that accent I would come to know is the same accent my Father (still) has.
I will never forget the first day I saw her.
Sophomore year began, and we became friends. School Mates.
But, by Junior Year, she was my Best Friend. *(More to that chapter, but that’s between us).
She moved away after we Graduated from High School.
I was sad. Sad in many forms. I knew she was moving back to her home-state, but I was hoping for more time.
More time to discuss actions, situations that occurred in High School, to be together at our usual spots *(She had this great classic Red Bronco), more parties, alone, just us two talking.
We did have a final get-together before she left.
It was four of us at a Campground.
I want to say it’s Blackwell, but for some reason I thought it was Blackburn.
It was an infamous place to hang out in the 1990’s.
So, the four of us (Her, myself, a guy from HS she was seeing, and another a year ahead of us. Kind of like a “Double Date.”
We had fun.
But, inside, my spirit wanted the present to remain, her not to go.
After she left, we became
Pen Pals. *(Pre-Internet Days).
I though it was a fantastic idea.
I loved writing her letters, sending pictures, receiving the same. Sometimes Mix C.D.s or drawings.
Her envelopes were this magnificent fuchsia, so I always knew when distant moments with her had arrived *(I still have every single letter she has ever written me. Going back to Junior Year of High School).
I was always eager to see what was inside, where she was at in life.
We kept corresponding through letters for over a year.
Then, I moved away (again), then as my future had begun I was off to University (again).
We always managed to maintain our Friendship no matter the dislocate of lives being lived or becoming adults and ever changing circumstances.
Today, was an example of how two people can continue a Friendship *(without physically seeing eachother in almost fifteen years), but are able to find the space that we shared and catch-up with.
I don’t miss many people in my life.
But, she is one of them.
And I hold on to that, and know no matter how sick I become or where her journey takes her, that Friendship is permanent.
What A Day…
Meetings, Educating, Fighting These Infections (Sinus and Ear Infection…Not Winning This One).
So, I could say
Once again, disappointment, deception, crossing the line occurred, but I’ll leave it closed.
I’m exhausted from it all.
The only man worth caring about is Dead, so let’s leave it at that.
My New Book arrived today
the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom.
I’m almost finished with tuesdays with Morrie, so I’m looking forward to this read. *I have a few more books in my Purchase Line:
And a few others (all Non-fiction as I write/have small Published and will largely Publish soon).
Today, I started my Process of Certification in the State of Michigan.
I just feel, this is where I’m supposed to be.
I start the process with:
Michigan Online Educator Certification System.
If everything plays on track, I can complete and receive paperwork in two months.
Something I need.
I’m enthusiastic, overwhelmed, but passionate.
It’s who I am.
And I know Change in many forms will occur with this shift, Chapter in my life.
I just need to focus, fit all of the pieces together, become awakened from the darkness that I’ve been carrying since 03302015 and September 9, 2016.
What’s most important is yes, my Disability, but I need to leave
And the future is conscious, calling to me.
Being in a commitment is still apart of me that would be kind, fitting.
But, I have met too many cruel souls the last few months and I do not need comfort in knowing that’s what I deserve.