Nothing is made for me. These days I just wait for the darkness to set, not even a sunset, but total darkness.
My Life-Line cut.
Where do I go? I have nothing.
Disability keeps me inside while the World keeps moving.
I want to go too.
Even before I became Disabled, I fought 14 Chronic Health Problems, hard.
Adjunct Instructor. Assistant Director Of An Entire College Department. SME (Subject Matter Expert). Certified Translator. World Traveler/Educator.
Even on my worst days, I could still drive get to my destination, my passion.
Alone in this Disability. No fashion of support. Yet, I keep trying.
But, I’m running out of my survival. I think I’m better suited underground like I was supposed to be 30 years ago.
*The Doctors still cannot believe I survived that Suicide Attempt.
I am not afraid.
There’s a Bridge close to my house.
If I jump, I am leaving nothing behind
I have no Health, Savings, Kindness, Love.
It was all raped from me along time ago, and what was left was stolen by people who are false, soulless, cowards.
And as the train speeds up
I know I never gave up
Neither did I deserve the pain I have endured.
I’m not afraid.
So, my intelligent and beautiful cousin owns a DIY Blog. It’s very enthusiastic, creative, and helpful. *(Darn those English Majors. 🙂 I was one too).
So, in my current state of No Work (After Educating 7 Days A Week for almost Sixteen Months straight) and I’m Disabled, I thought I’d give a crack at the DIY Arena, but with a Beatnik approach(as I myself am a Beat).
First, when Disabled (and not just Disabled, but 14 Chronic Health Problems) one has to learn how to survive due to lack of support in any fashion.
Due to Gastroparesis (apart of my Disability)
- Gastroparesis: “A condition that affects the stomach muscles and prevents proper stomach emptying.
Fewer than 200,000 US cases per year.” Mayo Clinic
I don’t eat very often. And when I do eat, it’s with the help of a Prescription.
I stock up on Foods like:
Romaine Lettuce ($2.99 For 2 Bags) Carrots (2 Pound Bag For $2.99) Potatoes (5 Pound Bag For $4.99) Block Of Cheese (What’s On Sale) Rice (32 Oz Bag For $3.39) Salsa/Medium (16 Oz Jar For $2.78) Hot Giardinieras (16 0z Jar For $4.49) Onions (3 Pound Bag For $1.99) *I’ll purchase Tomatoes, Mushrooms, And Olives When On Sale. (Jarred of course).
*Everything Has To Be Gluten Free. I Have Severe Celiac Disease.
Here’s An Example Of What One Can Do With The Basics (okay, I attended Culinary Arts College, but still).
Homemade Spanish ‘Bruschetta’ Over Rice Pilaf.
Poor People’s Salad. *No Dressing. Just Salt/Ground Black Pepper.
These Meals Are Dated About 2 Months Apart.
This Candle Was Purchased At Target (Sale) And Burned Down To The Wick’s End. I Have Two Of These Candles In The Living Room With No Other Lights On. *(A Stove Light in the kitchen stays on that only produces 13w).
I Keep The Heat Off Unless Truly Necessary. Yesterday I Wore:
1. Shorts Yoga Pants Skinny Jeans
2. Wife Beater Shirt Velvet Pink Floyd Tee Hoodie
3. Compression Stockings (a must for my Disability) Thick Gold Toe Socks. Old Boots
No Heat Necessary.
These are some tricks to keep the finances at ground, but still surviving without any support.
My Life In Bottles.
To keep my mind at ease while I’m sinking in the pain and stress upon me, I’ve been viewing a movie I like *(I’m a Film buff/snob).
The movie is titled Mermaids after the Book by Patty Dann.
I originally saw this movie in May 2000 when I was inpatient at the Hospital due to unknown reason(s) of organ(s) failure.
One afternoon, after lunch, a nice woman came into my private Hospital room with a VHS Cart. She asked of I would like to watch a movie, and in my weak state, I agreed. *(My Father was visiting, so my choice reflected his presence).
After reading the back of the aged vhs box, I chose Mermaids. *(I’m partial to anything Christina Ricci is in. It was her first movie role. She played Kate Flax).
I watched the movie (alongside my Father) and took to the Plot right away. The early 1960’s: Fashion, Gender Roles, Classic Cars, Era Of Time, Family Relationships.
On July 10, 2015, I found/ordered the DVD from Amazon. (It’s a ‘hard to find’ DVD, so that’s why the wait).
How Ironic, I had been Disabled for about four months when I purchased it.
I knew it would make me happy as it did 15 years prior.
I watched it a few times before I was forced to relocate this year.
Now, I’ve viewed it three times in a month. I know subconsciously, I’m looking for something, wishing.
My life is deleting and I do not understand these circumstances. I just want to Work/Teach, Pay Bills/Survive, Afford My Health Insurance/Disabled And Chronic Health Problems/New Health Problems, Keep My Cats/I Love More Everyday/Alone.
In the movie, ‘Change’ is a theme: Moving, Relationships, Era Of Time, An Accident.
How can I make it easier?
Like the movie.
I’m being erased above ground and I have to experience without help, watch it all disappear like Kate drowning.
Good Morning Saturday.
The Wind has kept the House At 60° (as well as leaving the furnace on ‘off’ due to my Current Career situation). *My cough has returned most likely to sleeping in layers with no heat and the amount of stress laid upon me. I was supposed to have a Chest X-Ray, but have not due to Costs. (Checking. Seems to be shifting).
Only educating for two hours.
Alone, Cold, Restless.
Nothing new but different.
I’m always alone on Saturdays. I usually work 5 Hours then rest then clean. It makes me miss my Dog.
Before I became Disabled, Saturdays meant road trips, long walks, adventure.
Just him and I.
He was my Best Friend.
I still have/had many (chronic) Health Issues, and the days that were long in pain and brought tears to my eyes, he would literally lick them away (I loved my Dog but that was the ONLY thing, never ever face touching. Not for me. But, only when I cried).
My Best Friend And I Are No Longer Friends. Twelve Years Of Friendship Thrown Away In One Day (5 days ago).
But, this Friendship had been diminishing the day I moved here (She wanted me to move here. She looked at properties for me).
Something I will never understand. *Or the few individuals aware of what occurred.
I remember when I was forced to leave my Residence of six years, she suggested “Why don’t you live here. I can help you with Doctors Appointments. Etc.”
Within 30 Days, I had a place in motion, Signed-Lease, Moving Date.
Her and I were ecstatic.
I had not physicsally seem her in about a year. And we both have similar pain in our lives that make our connection deeper.
Almost four months have past, and I’m in worse shape then before I moved here. (I had another place in a different city, closer to where I was, but, I moved here without ever imagining all of this happening i.e Job, Ex, Friendship, Health).
It’s sad hard on my Soul.
I like it here. I bought two new pieces of furniture (with lots of decorations).
My Cats are happy. They have more area to roam, play, be free (With a new CatLitter Penthouse, Toys, Scratch Boxes, and more Love).
I was getting to know the town(s) (since I educate until late nights, I had to use my GPS for almost three months to get anywhere). *Yes, I’m not supposed to drive, but my support system…you already know.
Still Educating Seven Days A Week (for fifteen months straight), losing so much this past year, *losing everything when I became Disabled almost three years ago.
But, kept going. Working hard because I love what I do and to survive.
I am facing having to move (financial), not working (with no given reason as to why), having to re-home my Cats (after giving away my Dog of nine years, almost five months ago), and losing a Best Friend when she was in the wrong (and walked away months prior). All on-top of new Health Issues (And Old Health Issues).
I tried my best. And I do not understand these circumstances nor deserve to be broken.
It’s 6:19 a .m
I awoke to a massive right temple headache, which is still occurring.
I can’t even place my head on my pillow. The pain is that intense.
I have a Follow-Up today (in 3 and half hours) with my new Doctor (who specializes in Internal Medicine) for the results of my MRI and MRA I had this past Friday.
By the pain I’m in, the images I saw(on Friday), and the Neurologist he is working with, I am prepared for terrible news.
My insomnia has progressed to a state of emergency.
My Disability is crashing.
Last evening I was so stressed from anxiety(Work and missing a Meeting due to being so ill, my Neighbors, driving and again waiting beyond for my Grocery Pick-Up)
I lost it (after having to clean up cat vomit).
I’m not like everyone else.
Cleaning takes every ounce of my energy due to my Disability/Dysautonomia.
So, after spending the Weekend Educating and Cleaning, I just couldn’t take it.
Surprisingly, MRI/MRA results: ‘Negative.’
So, this leaves with more unanswered questions and anxiety.
I will return to the Hospital this Friday.
Headache still alive.
I woke with a purpose today. Even on three hours of sleep. But, that purpose has already moved on.
The physical pain I am in is so wretched, I just want to Sleep, but due to Daylight Savings Time, my Schedule is pushed back an hour.
That’s fine. I used to Teach starting at 5:30a.m for a month straight (up to 14 Classes a Day). That Job seems so long ago. Everything does post Dysautonomia. *(That Job was in 2015).
My worries have become anxiety. A feeling and concept I had as a child-adolescent. Then mid-teens to early twenties. Then. It just faded.
Anxiety: “A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.” Mayo Clinic
I would stand in-front of the mirror making sure my ponytail had no “bumps.” If it did, I couldn’t go to school (in my mind). I saw my reflection and all I did was worry. I was eleven. This cannot be normal.
Now. Anxiety seems like a partner. It’s always there. Sometimes more present then I consciously recognize.
I think it’s also depression mixed in with my battle with insomnia and my demons.
My Disability will forever keep me down, but there is something else inside.
My ten minute reminder for Work just scrolled across (It’s not that I’m forgetful, it’s just apart of the Schedule I use).
Strange. I have a six hour break today (a few Cancellations), and I have set my mind to sleep.
I will use Guided Meditation (I have access to new Meditations in Sets/Series, and I will try my best to truly Meditate then Relax to Sleep.
But, I know from the physical pain I’m experiencing now, and the anxiety that corses my veins will give me limited time to be free.
I completed my morning tasks (Educating, Dishes, Laundry started, and Medication).
I’m on my (rare) long break now.
I feel so ill (strangely after drinking Evian for Breakfast. I used to drink 1.5 Liters of Evian Water a day for a year, and I stopped consuming it due to moving and not having the luxury of finding it in Liters). My stomach is in IBS knots, I’m sweating as if I’m breaking a fever, and my usual Disability pains.
How do I relax let alone sleep?
My Cats are quietly fighting as I am once again filled with anxiety.
I can’t even drink water now without becoming sick to the point of exhaustion.
All I can put into imagery is number of hours of work, picking up Groceries tonight, and my Appointment tomorrow (I saw the MRI Images on Friday. It was horrific).
My eyes are heavy and I’m screaming in silence “Is there anybody out there?”
As soon as I started to drift (on my own) my Boss messages me: I’m losing another 8 Hours this month and discussed the ‘Why’ of cancellations. *My Schedule is still empty for the Month of December.
See what I mean.
How to remain within all of this is impossible.
Nothing’s really changed. I have added a few small pieces of furniture but no guests to see it.
Struggle. That has been the word of these past two months.
Struggling with Someone so toxic it was dismantling my own life. I was becoming so detached from his abuse, my ancient Trauma was flooding me with the past. It was exhausting and unravelling. *As I was working today, I noticed a completely random Kohl’s Receipt on the Floor, just lying there with purpose. I knew the receipt was from our Weekend Vacation. On my Break, I picked it up, and saw the date. Yep. That’s the receipt. Why was it just there, a reminder of a time between him and I that was calm? In eighth Months that was the only Weekend that worked between us.
Struggling with what occurred during my Birthday Weekend and the continuous death of Family. The communication is at a one percent. And, I know this time, it will remain like this forever. And I don’t mind. Anymore.
Struggling from losing Health Insurance due to my Ex-Husband’s serpentine heart, terminating my Coverage when he is quite aware of my Disability and Declining Health (This includes Signing Documents behind my back, which infuriates me to the point of no return. I was the ONLY person there for him during his Three Deployments and all of the pain that comes attached to the return from War with no Family (but Me).
Struggling with moving even further away with what little support I had is slowly vanishing. And due to the fact I educate seven days a week, there is no time for finding anybody out there.
Struggling with new and advanced Health Problems, on my own. This is not a new concept, but with my current outrageous (and expensive) Health Insurance and waiting months for Tests is causing my Disability to drain and progress.
It’s all beyond comprehensible.
How am I supposed to just be (within my Disabled self) with constant day to day extreme chaos I call struggles?
Happiness must be something unattainable let alone stability and contentment.
I’m suffocating and losing the will to keep continuing the survival of it all.
The real question is, why should I?
“I watched a change in you. It’s like you never had wings.” Deftones