4:33 post meridiem.
Grueling Temperature. / 81°F
Wrecked from a two month Sinus Infection.
But, the news that shook me today was that my Ex-Husband is getting married (again) in a week.
We haven’t even been Divorced for an entire year, and he gets Engaged in April then will be married in a week. *(because they were together when we were still legally Married).
So, I wanted to share this post I began in January 2015.
To expose the coward, with ulterior motives, selfish, controlling, and deceitful Man he is.
I was informed today that due to my extensive health problems, it is my fault for the Depression my husband is experiencing.
Not to the fact of empathy, but that he has to live alone in his new apartment.
*His reaction to the news when I told him I couldn’t work Full-Time any longer at my former Employer because I was too ill, and that I couldn’t send him any of my regained Unemployment Benefits to him.
*I began a new Job(returning to College Education), but my Health prohibited me from working.
*His response to my Health Problems and why I cannot continue to work.
In the eight years we have been married, he has never asked me once about my Health.
*In February 2010, my Parents had to beg him to take me to the Doctor then Hospital(for my eleventh and twelve Surgeries) and to buy me Gluten Free food (which I then had to cook myself).
In the eight years we have been married, I was an Army Wife for two of the three Deployments. I was left alone at Ft. Hood (no support from the FRG either). I never met his parents (his mother told me in 2006 she wanted Grandchildren and since I had a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy at the age of 23 what use am I). My Parents and Family were always there for him.
Alas, I never stopped supporting him even though it was killing me.
“I am living in hell from one day to the next. But there is nothing I can do to escape. I don’t know where I would go if I did. I feel utterly powerless, and that feeling is my prision. I entered of my own free will, I locked the door, and I threw away the key.” Haruki Murakami
For most, a day of relaxation, worship, Family.
For me, reflection of another Weekend spent alone. Literally.
I opened my eyes and thought it was Saturday. I was happy. I thought I had more time to rest.
My newer work Schedule gives Sundays a Weekday feeling.
I have to be in bed at least by 8p.m*(I’ve fallen asleep earlier).
Yesterday felt like another work-day due to waking up at 4:58a.m, then not really catching anymore dreams, I decided to stay busy, Writing, getting ready for my Day of errands then a lot of cleaning. *I almost collapsed vacuuming.
When my body couldn’t take anymore,
The Clock read 8p.m, so I decided to rest and chat via text with someone new.
He actually asked me to go out, but I was so beat I couldn’t lift my arms let alone get ready for a night on the town.
So, we spent a little over 2.5 hours messaging *(breaks in-between) then I went off to my usual Saturday Night Routine,
Film and Bed.
I watched the Film The Big Chill and then an episode of my go to T.V Show.
I wasn’t feeling the best, so I was dragging during the Film.
The Big Chill is my Second favorite film of all time. And, I still find something new in the Film or a different perspective on Characters/Dialogue. *(I did again this viewing).
I used to really enjoy watching my Films and Movies.
Then my (used) DVD Player went out 6 Months ago, so I had to start re-purchasing my Films and Movies on either my Cable Provider or Amazon *(When I had the Finances to).
Obvisiouly, I only re-purchased a hand-full, and that is my Saturday Night.
But, now it’s the only thing I do, and it has become uneventful, depressing.
What to do when no one wants to be a Friend?
“Still Coe thought, maybe it was living in the country that was making [her] cry. It was killing [her] with its silence and loneliness.” MM S5E5
10:21 to be exact.
Birds are chirping, the wind is still.
73° F already.
I’m watching/listening to all of this through my front bedroom window. *The Blinds do not shut 100% since I have lived here, so the World is always there.
I decided to get back to Guided Meditation, but I could not find myself, so I just listened without the silence in my mind.
I started having flashes of my Childhood.
Happy Moments. *(Most were not).
I remember even living in the House of Horrors, there were times of joy.
As my memory traveled back to a place filled with darkness, I saw myself age 8-10.
Saturday mornings were always busy in my house. *Especially, during the Summer months. We had a Pool that needed constant maintenance and a field behind our own yard that needed up-keeping.
Those are the memories that filled my restlessness.
We were not allowed to “sleep-in,” so when it was time to get up, pajamas off, and dressed for the day.
Saturday’s usually meant Breakfast, playing outside *as asked to with the many neighborhood kids that surrounded us, and helping my Father with the Pool.
I loved being there, working along side with my Father. Even though I was terrified of him *(Violent), I knew he was always content when he was outside doing “something.”
I would help him sometimes for hours, forgetting I’m just a little kid! *(He thought of me as a boy).
But, I felt proud that I was his helper.
We talked a lot.
He would tell me stories about Panama, his time in Special Ops, his own Childhood(horrific), and how to fix things.
We would work on the Pool, skimming, Water Pump, Then if needed mowing the lawn (which he taught me how to and would let me do it by myself. With his supervision).
I felt lucky.
My Father spent time with me unlike some of the kids in our neighborhood, who had Dads, but a few of their Dads had better Jobs, so they stayed inside on Saturdays.
I spent more time with my Father then my Mother on Weekends.
And that’s what I did not comprehend.
Why is he so violent when I’m his helper?
If I wasn’t being his little helper (My Mother’s words), I would listen to music and play in my bedroom with my Paperdolls.
My favorite childhood toy of all time.
I actually have Journals, Stories of the Families I created.
The depth of detail in Characters is shocking. To look back and think I was 9 or 10 when I wrote that.
It was my way of escaping the pain from my day to day Childhood and the Trauma I experienced.
If we had to play outside, it was with the same group of kids. We had our own Saturday routine.
Ride Bikes, Hide and Seek, And if we could, play on someone’s Swing-Set/Jungle Gym.
We had one.
A typical metal Swing-Set:
Two swings and a small slide, so it was better when we could go over and tumble down the huge slides and swing to the sky on the larger wooden sets *(Two families in the neighborhood had these Swing-Sets, but were strange about kids playing on them).
During the Summer Months, My Father tried to BBQ on his Charcoal Grill as much as he could.
I secretly hated it.
I never ever like BBQ.
And it was always the same anyway,
BBQ Chicken or Hamburgers.
Dinner Time is when it would hit that I wanted to live in someone else’s Family (particular my Childhood Best-Friend, Amy. Or live with my Nagyapa aka Grandfather).
Even on Saturdays, fighting was always at the Dinner Table.
Either my little Brother was in trouble for poor table manners and not eating, money, and my Father spending too much time outside *(My Parents rarely did anything together/spent time together when I was a child).
Post Dinner, would be return to play outside(where I was free again) then baths then a small amount of television as a Family, then bed-time.
Those moments I can see as if it was yesterday, but are a life-time ago.
If I could return to those specific moments, with the future inside, I most definitely would have ran-away or tried harder to return and live with my Grandfather.
I did try to run-away multiple times.
First time, I was 7.
I actually hopped right out my bedroom window.
But, those are not the memories I want to close with today.
I will take the small cracks in time that made me feel happy (as every kid should) and keep them infinitely.
Those are true Childhood Dreams.
I awoke today at 4:58 ante meridiem to an aching Bladder and Sinuses that are making me feel as if I’m on the Tilt-a-whirl.
My Mind has now adjusted to my new Work Schedule, so like Clock Work, I open my eyes in darkness. *It’s not the first time I’ve been awake, preparing myself for my day when the World is still asleep.
But, nine months.
I paid my Rent for the first time with my paycheck from my current Job.
The mass decrease in finances is beyond a burden, but I have to, I will make it work.
I actually taught 10.88 Hours yesterday.
They needed me due to low Staff count, and I managed to pull through the other side from 6:30a.m-6:09p.m. *We have a Time Log System, so that’s why the clock accuracy.
I actually ran an errand after and made it home and did not lay down to rest my body until 7:46p.m.
But, I was restless. I could not calm my Mind. *I have not been using Guided Meditation as much due to my current Schedule and my mourning for my Cat.
So, I decided that I would enjoy an hour on the Screened Porch with left over Tea Candles from Halloween, cold bottles, and my two Cats.
The weather was still bearable for a night of watching people pass and thinking.
I did make it the hour, and decided to stay awake and watch a Film, Prozac Nation.
I have viewed it many many times before *since 2005/2006, but again was restless.
I didn’t finish the Film, instead jumping around on my Roku to my go-to Television Show (which has now been re-booted).
I am not sure what hour dragged my exhausted bones to bed, but I am tired.
I’m preparing for another Weekend alone. With two quick Grocery runs and catching up with major house cleaning.
A Co-Worker yesterday filled me in that we are “Work Friends.” I was in hope that I found someone in this town(s), but to my dismay,
I look at my reflection now *when I’m getting ready for Work, and I see someone I don’t recognize.
Maybe it’s the last 5.5 Months of everything that has occurred.
Maybe, it’s my Health
Maybe, it’s my loneliness.
Time is moving without me and I don’t understand why.
If I did not have to rise at 4:30a.m, I would enjoy the view on my front porch with my Cats and a cold bottle.
Another Weekend past/passed.
Both Saturday and Sunday were me knocked down, bed-ridden.
Today, able to get some Laundry and Dishes completed.
Preparing for the up-coming week.
I think this is universal.
A day not for rest, but routines and check-points, so when we rise on Monday, we feel secure, ready.
Seems the Full-Moon has me all over today:
In Dreams, sickness, and messaging an old friend.
As the day continues on, I find myself re-starting my Antibiotic *(I stopped 5 Days ago due to the Side Effects. It was disrupting my being).
But, I need to beat this Infection. It’s been continuous since March 16.
I had 5 doses down before I had to stop, so hopefully what I have left will beat the infection.
If not, return to the Doctor again.
Sunset is in 47 minutes.
It’s strange when you have to find slumber in daylight.
But, I don’t mind my new Schedule.
I’ve Taught earlier then that *(Online) and as an Adjunct, I taught A.M Classes.
Once, I taught from 12:00a.m-7:50a.m
That was brutal.
That didn’t last very long. *(My body was not ready for it).
Nothing too unusual occurred (most Full-Moons bring so much energy or chaos to me).
Hopefully, my Dreams will be peaceful and I will wake with energy and well-being.
5:56 post meridiem.
I am so tired.
I slept for 6 hours yesterday *(only to be woken up my new neighbors yelling).
I decided to stay up until after 4:30a.m
A usual Friday Evening.
Watched a Movie, Hung out with my Cats *(another serious stress and choice I have to make), and went to sleep when dreams called.
I woke this morning, completed my ante meridiem routine, and came across something I posted two years ago to the date.
“Listen, Listen To Your Conscience.
She Is Alive Scorching With Desperation.
You Didn’t Make This Fire And You’ve Been Watching It Burn Thinking Of Your Future With One Foot Always In The Past.
You Know, You Must Leave, Leave And Return Home.
Don’t Watch Time Fly
Your Life Is On The Line.”
I was re-watching Thirtysomething at the time.
I was also going through something very painful, that I thought was impossible.
But, I made it through the other side, and now as I reflect/look back on that time in my life, I wasted so much of it.
Trying to keep together something that was never meant to be is infinitely a flaw of mine.
Relationships, Friendships, Family, and my Marriage.
During my Twelve O’Clock Therapy Session Today, This Was A Topic, a Point of Exposing, my Flaw, *(which in the end has only caused me a significant amount of pain, destruction, and loneliness).
It makes me feel sick that I gave myself away the way I did, trying over and over to make it all work, to make the other person happy/ok when in reality the person either was broken or just a lousy heart.
I listen to the 1:16 Instrumental opening of Hearts/Wires as I mull over the months I spent trying to even understand why I thought a person as my Twin Flame treated me the way he did.
Hours of tears pouring onto my pillow as I listened to songs that reached inside and made it worse.
As my Session came to an End today, I remembered the dreams I had, and felt myself *(physically ill), emotionally change.
My time is on the line, and I do not have the space anylonger for keeping two people together alive in heart and soul.
The reflection has to be self, and what future I have left.
There are ancient pieces inside me that must be opened and healed before I exit.
My goals, priorities, are still to be the best Educator, Writer, and Person I can be, but my Soul is mine only now. Thou shall never give again.
“Take your silver spoon and dig your grave. Wake up in the morning and see your sunrise loves to go down. Lousy lovers pick their prey but never cry outloud.” Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac
And yes, love is an Illusion. And, I know how to pick up my pieces now.
3:28 post meridiem.
From My bedroom window, I see the wind.
Two Flags I have hanging on my porch are shining in the sunlight as the air moves then up and down *(The Flag on the left side of the porch always blows away onto the porch floor).
I could be sitting on my purple lawn chair *(built for a Child. I didn’t realize that until after I purchased it in 2014) with my two Cats (who would love the breeze), but I can’t.
I’m in bed with Antibiotics coarsing through me, Tachycardia, Blood Pooling, and overall feeling like shit.
I don’t have my Work Schedule yet, so my anxiety level is elevated to maximum torture.
When one is a “Routine” Person/Individual, or has been on a consistent Teaching Schedule, it’s extremely difficult to wait.
My Old Job. My Schedule was always prepared in advance. It had to be. *(Until late November 2017. And we already know how that story goes).
Now, that I’m Disabled, Routine is even more important. It gives me a purpose, a reminder that I am surviving in this.
I got lucky.
Last Sunday, my Schedule was sent to me a little after 1p.m. *(Of course when my Truck is broken, unsafe to drive, Engine done).
But, even in all of that tragedy regarding my Truck and the incident between my Mother that same Sunday, I could relax.
I understand where all of this insecurity stems from.
When your Employer for five months erases you, then the Transition due to Construction at my current Job, anyone would feel uneasy about life, income.
But, I want just a piece of normalcy to return to my life.
A fraction of a Routine, so I can manage what is already depleting me *(My Disability).
I received my
New Schedule *(It was always a part of the Plan when I was hired on).
So, I have to be awake in 10 Hours.
While the sun is still blooming.