Good Early Morning Tuesday.
I wrote a piece with in hope *(Our Friendship).
Then, an epiphany:
March 2016, I was sitting at my local favorite hang-out after Work/Professor, and the Pub/Grille had Sirius Radio on *(background noise for some).
A track caught my attention:
Sitting on my Bar Stool, as that Track played, I knew, he was changing *(His behavior toward me) **(A month before he vanished). ***(These are just memories, all was forgiven).
Now, as I look at the piece I posted, and what has occurred in the past days:
after all this time, this Friendship he truly desired *(meaning to happen)
*I had a serious Surgical Procedure yesterday *(with bad news) and was left alone.
And, you know, I’m fine with that.
*(Now, he throws around the term:
And I, a heart of clay.
And, I know now, that is what he wants, me to stay.
In our Friendship.
So, for him, okay.
Good Morning, Sunday.
What a weekend.
Saturday Routine, incomplete.
Sunday Routine, not even close.
Next Saturday, I’m supposed to attend a Party with a Group I haven’t seen in two Years.
I want to attend, but I also want to be somewhere else.
Just get in my Jeep and drive. *(My Father’s old SUV. I still get emotional when that process all began **much later after my Car Accident).
Something I truly miss.
Not just the physicality of actual driving, but metaphorically.
And I know the Why.
But, that’s my Secret.
Outside the Medical Field, only three People know, my Mother and Father.
And the mistake of telling someone I tbought I could trust. *I thought I could set my Spirit free.
These last months, I’ve become even more introverted with my emotions, pain.
And, I know it’s making it all worse.
Tomorrow, My New Chapter (6) and return to Outpatient Surgery Procedure.
I have a lot of caution inside regarding tomorrow.
But, I am in hope for a good Sunday Session, *That I’m a minute late for, and was supposed to be on Saturday), relax, and a good
My two cats are in slumber as the sun reflects the bedroom walls.
My eldest Cat, snoring, or as I say “Sawing Logs.”
They look so Peaceful, happy.
I hope one day, I can find slumber like that. Even in the middle of nowhere.
Good Morning, Saturday.
What a week.
Everything at once.
Now, as my Saturday Routine is under-way, I think of all the things I still have to complete today.
This includes, myself.
How does one complete thy selves?
The complexity of my heart and Soul is the answer.
And I keep it that way.
I’m like the ‘Box’ in
You twist and turn and the box opens to you being physically torn apart by hooks.
Nothing is left.
Then the Cenobites arrive to retrieve the ‘Box’ and magically, everything was as it was.
The ‘Box’ can be solved, but it takes courage, life to do so and brings unbelievable pain from another dimension.
The best scene in that Film.
It explains how one can carry internal suffering to the point of hell *(not a place), but torture that burns your Soul to something no longer recognizable to self.
“To the gypsy
I have no fear
You see your gypsy
Maybe once, maybe twice
And it all comes down to you.” Fleetwood Mac
It’s passion will rise as the cities fly by
And the tail lights dissolve in the coming of night
And the questions and thousands take flight
The eyes that just stare and the glance at the clock
In the secret that burns and the pain that won’t stop
And it’s fueled with the years
Leading me on (leading me on)
Driving me on (driving me on)
Driving me down the road
Red eyed and fevered with the hum of the miles
Distance and longing and my thoughts do collide
Should I rest for a while and decide
Eyes in the mirror still expecting their prey
Sensing too well when the journey is done
There is no turning back
There is no turning back
My love is in league
With the freeway
And the coming of the night time
Is in league with the freeway.” Robert Plant
HOW I USED TO LOVE THIS TRACK.
As I have stated, I do not like opening or beginning with a Quote or Lyrics here, but what truth it is.
Now, in my current, “Love” is not a part of it.
But, my the lines that I love *(and the last time I posted them on any Social Media, 7 years to the date)
“The eyes that just stare and the glance at the clock In the secret that burns and the pain that won’t stop And it’s fueled with the years.”
t t Da“rs.”
1. And its fuel is the years
2. And its fuel once again
I hear #2, but I know it is #1.
Now, why post this Track off a great Album (1983)?
Because those lines I feel so intensely in my life.
It is everything I handle, experience alone.
How can this be?
My words cannot express the pain I feel for it all.
My New Chapter (5).
Yes. It’s my Dream, but I started missing my old life.
What used to drive me, my passion?
It’s long gone.
I just keep going because I have to.
I am tired.
And I want to run. *(Need money first).
I’m just waiting for the hope of my DS-82.
And in hope I can find my passion once more.
Thank You Foreigner For The Title.
*This was truly me, in the past/passed.
My Job that was.
And This Photograph?
My current life without the use of my lexicon.
Good Morning, Thursday.
My Father, very sick
I had to be here.
So much going on.
I don’t know where to begin my Words.
First, My Family.
I have been here, and it’s going to be okay.
I just want my Family to be okay.
So much has been, and time cannot pass anymore without my Family.
Third, something has been occuring for the last Month and I have kept it to myself.
It began the Week of September 9.
I notice a major increase in Readers from select Countries *(The Webpage calls it a “Your Stats Are Booming).
I knew who it was, but I didn’t know the why.
Then, more bizarrre things began to occur as if the stars were truly aligning with a cause.
I thought, and made a decision to just leave a comment on a personal picture.
What I didn’t know was the actions that would immediately occurr after.
Personal Messages came through.
I had to.
I wasn’t ready.
But, yesterday, a long, painful Wednesday *(First time away from my Job), I answered the a.m Messages as I was dealing with personal and Family things.
But, when a Call came through at
36 Minutes of talking.
I was extremely ill, stressed with what’s around me and what I am experiencing personally, but I answered.
To hear a voice I had not heard since June 2, 2016, was strange but incredible.
I had let go of all my hate and accepted the past/passed as it was and moved forward.
The 36 minutes seemed like a life-time.
He had to return to Work, me my Family.
But, I was unsure if he was going to keep words, and he did.
I was exhausted from the Hospital, being there all day, emotional, looking for support, only to find very little *(From the Owner/Head of my Job/Educate).
By evening, I was ill.
And this *(My Disability) has really taken a beating for sometime now, and stress is a factor.
9:13p.m another call came in.
This time, different.
We both had the time to talk.
I had zero expectations going into this.
Yes, I have let-go of the past/passed, the hurt, hatred, pain, but what lingers is how he Vanished not once, but twice.
And in my current state, I cannot experience that.
I was sure to talk about that with him during our first conversation.
We spoke about the past/passed immensely.
We shared our current selves, but the past/passed was the key to our conversation.
I think it had to be.
There was laughter, *(a lot), seriousness, and questions/answers from both sides.
To my Soul, it was easy.
So, that shows me My Soul has healed.
3 years of silence then
6 hours of conversation.
It’s something out of a Russian Novel. *(We Eastern Europeans, love and tragedy go hand-in-hand).
I don’t know what to expect, and that’s something, a flaw I carry, but what I do know is this new Friendship is delicate, and will take time.
*(My Mother told me in 1999, that if it was meant to be, in anyway, they will come back).
I told him that during those six hours.
Not to create pressure, but as if a light was born. *(I cannot say re-born because we are two different people now).
I have a lot of emotions.
My New Chapter (4)
And, Now This.
But, I did tell him,
I am not the same person.
And I laid all of that on the table with the exception of my secret.
3 years of silence.
And now, after all the tragedy, loss I experienced these past almost 2 years *(I revealed it all to him).
I don’t know how to process a sudden return without letting myself feel emotions *(which I did not last evening).
Oh, yes, there were many moments I felt my eyes, soul heavy, but I kept it inside.
Not that I am hiding, I just couldn’t.
But, I am now.
It’s not tears of pain, but tears of I can’t believe all of this and my own life.
To trust again is a powerful thing.
Why this photo?
September 27, 2015, was a Lunar Eclipse.
We both watched it, 1,000s of miles a part.
That’s the date we became
I had not loved someone that intensely since 1999.
And that loved lasted for 7 months.
And I never loved anyone again like that. *(Neither has he as he told me last evening).
Yes, Companionships came and went, but never on the level I had for him.
I spent some of the happiest times in my life with him.
And to watch our Relationship deteriorate after January 2016, was devastating *(That was apart of the 6 Hour Conversation last night).
But, I held on.
It wasn’t enough.
My Soul was smashed into fractures I had to repair, but afterwards, I was different.
And I still am. *(Also, due to all loss these past almost two years).
But, a Friendship?
Not new, not old.
An in-between of what once was and now.
I recognize the limitations, and that’s fine.
I just hope he can move forward from vanishing and just communicate, and I hope I can tell him my secret one day.
He’s been looking for me for over a month. He shared a Screen-Shot of an email he sent thirty-three days ago. *(I never received it).
And he told me why.
Good Morning, Sunday.
“Blue Oyster Cult – (Don’t Fear) The Reaper”:
He (Reaper) was not knocking, but banging on my door yesterday.
There was a moment, slumped over sideways on the Couch/Futon, when I knew 9-1-1 should have been an option.
My Favorite Month. Also, my Disability’s Month *(Awareness Month)
I have not been this sick in about two years.
Yes, I am sick everyday, but it’s something I’ve learned to cope with and manage *(Even though I should not according to the Disabilities Act of 1990. *(I had a two-year ongoing Case, and the Paralegals and new Attorney fooled around and didn’t study my Career History, so I lost *(February 2017).
But, alarmimg, my Symptoms have been worse these last few weeks.
I mean, death.
What are the Symptoms?:
Good Just Afternoon Sunday.
Just finished tidying up, and a nice one hour conversation with my Mother. *(We spoke about my oldest friend. This past August marked 26 years of knowing eachother. We talked about our favorite Restaurant that closed about three years ago. So, a lot of nostalgia and nostalgic and peace).
Yes, “nice” is a weak word to chose, but I am so sick, my mind is on autopilot.
I have had an Ear Infection and Sinus Infection for 3 weeks and a Virus *(Super Cold) for a month now, and I have to have a Procedure soon.
My body is just done.
Tired of waking up and I cannot hear, feel like I’m underwater, dizzy, coughing, tired.
So, week two complete of my New Chapter.
It’s going well, but since I’m so ill, I’m not at my 100%.
Friday, I thought I wasn’t going to be able to pull through an 8 Hour Day of Teaching, but I did. And, drove, ran errands, and got another Shampoo, Haircut, Blowdry.
This time, an Inch. (Last Friday, 1/4 of an inch).
I made it home, unloaded everything, cleaned up, and then just collapsed on the couch/futon.
Then, at 8:50p.m, I’m sitting in my Stairwell with my two cats in their Carriers, as Tornado Sirens went off.
I ended up finding slumber after 1:00a.m.ish.
Only to wake to soon in Work Clothes, feeling even sicker.
For the first time in a long time, I stayed in bed until 4:45p.m (Minus Laundry, bath) then Saturday Routine then blended into Sunday.
I pulled myself up after I spoke to my Mother yesterday for 30 minutes.
I watched Dirty Dancing, Havana Nights. A movie I had not viewed in years.
I got a little pick-me up/energy, but by the end of the movie, I was dragging, hard.
I ate a little and found myself in dreams around 11:30p.m Early for a Saturday.
6:55a.m and I am awake.
I could finally take my Rx *(I cannot have it refilled for another 6 days), so my body has really been suffering.
After, I really cleaned up the kitchen, and then just jumped on Instagram.
I’ve been obsessed with these Videos since yesterday, so I tbought that would help take my mind off of being ill.
*I re-watched Bill Burr: Paper Tiger (third time) and needed those laughs.
I forgot that, yesterday I was supposed to attend a Party, but I couldn’t due to my health *(I cancelled my RSVP yesterday late morning).
So, another Weekend, Alone.
My Parents haven’t been down in 5 Weeks. *(and that was a 2.5 hour visit).
My Father and Mother have been ill.
I’m hoping soon.
I want to show/share my Dream with them.
I want the
March 23 Visit.
I want all of them to be like that.
Especially, with everything going on with my Parents and Myself.
Once again, time is being used in melancholia, and I can’t have these moments like this anymore *(With my Parents).
I am in hope the rest of my Sunday is restfull and I start off Week three with great Teaching and getting back to the Doctor’s Office asap.
October is almost here.
My Favorite Month, Season, and Holiday.
I am looking forward to new things, changes, and my new Chapter to continue to bloom.
I will start my October Marathon this Week.
1. My So-Called Life
2. Weekends= Halloween/Horror Films/Movies.
And by the 15th, I am in hope I can plan things for myself.
Truly in hope.