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Girl on Fire

I lost my Job.

7 Days ago, I wrote:

“I cannot afford to lose this Job.

Financially nor mentally.”

I cannot concur with what occurred. It wasn’t supposed to happen.

I really enjoyed Teaching there.

Even though the drive, and I was financially starting from the bottom, I really and truthfully loved working/educating there.

Why?

The answer to that question was personal not Professional.

Something I don’t understand.

Now, I lie here, Dysautonomia on fire, UC on fire, Stomach. On fire.

I did receive new Employment on Friday *(begin tomorrow). Same Drive, less pay.

Impossible.

So, I’ve been beating myself up, wracking my brain, deciding on what to do.

There is nothing to do.

I will not survive.

I cannot continue on like this.

I’ve tried.

One Year Ago

Month Twelve.

A Year Has Past/Passed Since I Re-located Here.

Only 4 Months Were Filled With Excitement, Content. Job. Career. My Cat Still Alive. Future Dreams.

Eight Months Later,

Everything is gone. Vanished. Depleted.

I lie in bed this overly hot Sunday Morning in extreme pain.

I was in the Emergency Room on Friday for 6 and a half hours. *(My Doc. sent me there while I was in his Office for a Same-Day Appt.).

Ulcerative Colitis. Another Episode.

It’s actually been awhile.

I’ve been consumed with

Severe Sinus Infections since mid-March, I haven’t had any stomach issues *(Other than Stress).

The last time my UC was this bad was in November 2017.

I remember it well.

There have been mini episodes since, but it only last a day *(A few single days out of a month).

This current Episode began this past Thursday.

Like a storm, it rolled through on Friday knocking me out and down.

I tried to Work. Made it only 2 Hours. *(Something I’m nervous about. My Boss did not seem happy with me and I missed a Full Day of Work the Wednesday before due to Sinuses *(I should have just pushed myself to go then this past Friday, I could have stayed and rested).

I cannot afford to lose this Job.

Financially nor mentally.

The UC Pain is so overwhelming, I cannot even lie down in comfort.

And yes, I’m Alone.

I was in hope this current Episode would subside some, so I could at least relax this Sunday morning and complete all my house chores instead of running to the bathroom or worse.

I don’t have much else to say.

The pain has stripped me and taken my energy away.

Eight Months Alone Has Really Taken Its Toll.

Loneliness is not a virtue.

Another Downward Sunday

Shredded.

100% The Seams Of Me.

Not Just My Body, But My Soul.

I’m Wrecked With So Much Sadness, Loss, Loneliness, Regret.

I’m in the worst Financial Crisis I’ve ever been in.

My Well-Being, falling.

My Soul,

Failing.

I hurt in so many ways I cannot take one more step, breath without collapsing.

My heart is heavy from the idea that Twin Flames still exist, that my Life will normalize again, and I will reach happiness and success in my Career again.

None of this is even close to my door. *(With the exception of Career. There is always hope in that department).

Yesterday.

My Saturday Regular Therapy Session at Noon happened.

My Last Saturday Session with my Counselor will be 8/4/18.

I already have a Replacement Again.

Why does this keep occurring?

Last Year Twice. *(17 Months with the same LPC and left me with two shitty Counselors. Then Late Spring [2017], Replaced With Another And Said Counselor Leaves In September 2017).

Now, this?

My current Counselor and I have been working together for 8 Months.

Through this awful year.

And my last Session is in 7 Days.

August and September are very difficult months for me.

Why Now?

Yesterday Evening.

I tried to finish more cleaning/chores.

I did and it almost killed me.

So, exactly at 9:22p.m, I got up and lit my two livingroom candles, fed Cats, and decided I needed a new Film/Movie to watch/view.

I chose Amy.

It’s a Docu about Amy Winehouse from 2015.

I had not heard of its release until last night on Social Media from a friend who was watching the Docu and recommended it *(Her and I have similar taste in the Film Arena).

It was a long Documentary.

Over 2 Hours.

I was not comfortable due to Dysautonomia.

So, the first 45 minutes I was fighting it all just to relax, remain comfortable.

After the Documentary, I watched her Video*(twice) for Back to Black.

I forgot how great of a Song that was/is.

*I did indeed purchase her Album when it was released in 2006.

I was a fan for a short period of time.

I decided to stay in the Music Genre of Film, so I re-watched *(half) Sid and Nancy.

It had been awhile, and I was in the mood.

Then I noticed the time,

3:23a.m

Time for sleep.

I made myself head to bed.

I did not want another downward Sunday.

8:23 on the dot I awoke.

5 Hours of slumber and dreams.

Dreams I do not want.

Insert Twin Flame.

Why am I still dreaming about him?

WHY?

My Dysautonomia was on fire, so I took my Medication and another slice of Medication to sleep.

I found myself awake after only two hours.

Again, with dreams left off from the night.

What the fuck?!

I do not want this.

It hurts unbelievably so.

The Dreams have shifted too.

These were nice dreams.

The realness of the dreams themselves and now the shift, I don’t understand.

3:57p.m

As I lie in bed, Black Slacks, Wife Beater, and a Cropped AC/DC T-Shirt, it’s another downward Sunday.

I’m tired.

Im tired from lack of sleep

I’m tired of struggling with everything

I’m tired of the past haunting me

And why I can’t let go.

Illumination 27

Wet Toes.

Amputated Toes.

Mopped.

Sedated.
C15H10ClN3O3

Medication.
315.715

Bisquick Farm Thy Neighbor Above.

Yuck.

Don’t Like The Smell Of Pancakes At 8:30 a of m.

Don’t Like The Smell Of Pancakes At Any Time.

Saturday.

And it’s only 10:10.

Full Moon/Eclipse last evening.

I found myself among candles, music, and Cats.

Alone.

Oh Well.

Maybe that’s the way it is meant for me now.

After the night kept passing by and the Full Moon began its decline, I finished re-viewing the rest of the film, Control and then buzzing around on Roku.

Sleep was coming, so I headed to bed without tears.

Awoke to sunrise and not my breakfast.

Realized bowl I superglued was now superglued to rented kitchen counter.

Shit.

I had to break said bowl *(now in garbage) and a partial ring of Superglue is frozen on the rented kitchen counter.

Another

Shit.

Gave up.

Listened (partial) to Santigold’s new Album.

Really Good.

She never lets me down.

On my Instagram. Uploading the Boomerang Video from last evening.

Whoops.

Swept.

Mopped.

Back in bed with one Cat continuously trying to sleep ontop of me.

Sedated.

Not Wearing Pajamas.

Stressed.

Sad.

Disappointed.

Regular Saturday Therapy Session at Noon.

Finances.

None.

Hungry.

Eyes are heavy.

Still Hungry.

Sick.

Sinus Infection

Still.

Listened to Taxi To Heaven.

It’s been awhile.

Chest hurts.

Legs

Head.

Angry.

Interrupted by Phone Call.

Mopped Again.

Rinse Mop Bucket Out

Water Was Brown. *(Mopped it twice two Saturday’s ago and last Sunday, Swiffler Mop. Why the heck is the water brown)?!

Thank You Pinesol.

Cleaned/Bleached Mop.

Fed Cats.

Looked At Superglued Kitchen Counter

Pissed.

Vacuuming, Laundry, And More Mopping Needs To Be Done.

Dishwasher Too.

No.

Want Coffee.

Frappaccino.

Can’t.

Financial Crisis At Its Worst.

Oh Well.

I don’t eat anymore.

I’m the only one who knows the major reason why *(Besides Gastroparesis).

Coffee with my Silk Vanilla Almond Milk Creamer/Omelette, Spanish Style/Potatoes/Ketchup/Juice.

Sounds Great.

Can’t.

Found This BEAUTIFUL Photo On Instagram This A of M.

Someone I Follow.

I Was Going To Edit The Photo To My Liking (with the property name still), But Decided To Let It Be.

Darkside.

Full Moon.

Eclipse.

Time.

In My Existence

All Happening Now.

Lunar Sunday

Much of the pain and suffering in our lives comes from holding onto things too long and too tightly.
The skill of learning to let go and to release and relax into the flow of life is a recipe for greater peace and happiness.” L.

This concept is something I struggle with not just as a Buddhist, but in life, this universe.

My regular Therapy Session yesterday needed an extra 30 minutes due to this exact concept.

As I lie here, Sunday late afternoon, missing my Mother’s Birthday, I reflect on many people in my life.

Things I don’t understand, can’t let go, want answers.

My life default.

Here I am, alone, no one to talk to, sunk in from a super Sinus Infection, chores complete, and just wanting some peace. My mind to stop circling the past as if somehow the circles will rewind time and I can change things or make it stand still.

Time.

Moving too fast now.

I want do-overs, repeats, days of the past to return.

My eyes are heavy from lack of dreams and the Infection.

I look at the blank aging walls, two windows covered with blinds, I can see my Enclosed Porch. The sun still beaming in, reminding me another Weekend has past and I did it alone again.

Why?

Is there no longer anybody out there?

The irony of this manipulated Album Cover. How the prism breaks, shatters because “a matter of fact, it’s all dark.” Pink Floyd

Weekend Carousel

Saturday.

Is it Saturday?

I’m once again sunk in bed with a Sinus Infection.

This time, no Prescription due to no Insurance.

I’m hoping the few I have left from the last round will be sufficient enough to get me back up.

I’m also overly tired. In the sense it’s unusual.

Yes, I didn’t sleep the greatest this past Work week, but that is not a new concept to my body *(or mind).

So, Coffee.

K-Cup.

Eight O’Clock.

Original.

With a splash of water and Silk Vanilla Almond Milk Creamer.

Coffee is a Sinus Infection’s Nightmare, but I’m so tired, I need to snap it up and open my body and mind.

I only have one errand to run today and my usual Therapy Session at Noon, but my eyes are closing to erase the things I have to do.

I am Sad.

Sunday, is my Mother’s Birthday.

I wanted to take the Train, but the Tickets were too expensive *(My second Pay from my new Job was incorrect again).

I thought about driving to see her.

I now drive 82+ Miles M-F.

Why couldn’t I make the 111 Mile(one-way)/ 1 Hour 41 Min. Trip?

Dysautonomia.

I haven’t driven a distance in that capacity since early March 2015.

I also haven’t been able to purchase anything for her Birthday either.

For the first time in my Adult Life, I actually do not know what she wants/needs.

I mean, I had not been to my Parents House in 14 Months, and prior to that, it was rarely a short visit Post-Dysautonomia.

I never felt Welcomed.

One, Driving.

Two, they made me feel unwelcome, a burden.

They stopped driving to my old Duplex after March 2015.

So, how would or should I feel?

This carousel of emotions is making my stomach churn.

Or, that could be the Infection, Coffee, Dysautonomia.

But, I truly wanted to visit her.

Last year I’m unsure of her Birthday Plans were due to the fact I was relocating/moving in 10 Days after, but the year before, I believe I drove to my Parents House. *In 2015, I couldn’t drive period, so my Father came to pick me up.

Prior to March 2015, I always took her out for her Birthday *(When Schedules collided).

Pedicure, Shopping, Dinner.

Or She would come over for a fabulous meal, gifts, rented movie *(With my Father).

Now, I’m stuck.

I don’t feel well. Really sinking from another Sinus Infection, unusually exhausted, and how am I going to get there?

Plus, no Presents.

So, another Saturday alone?

Laundry, Cleaning, Errands.

This is my life now.

And it’s blue.

Sunday Delight

Good Morning Sunday.

Up At 2:00ish, then 3, 5, then 8:a of am.

Decided to change into my Sunday gear *(Black shorts with Glitter Gold Stripes, Shades Of Blue Almost Purple And White Plaid Pajamas [it’s from a set], Wife Beater, and an AC/DC Crop Top).

Got Laundry Going *(Two More Loads Today), Then Dishwasher Later.

Everything else is spotless.

Why?

My Parents came downbound for a Visit yesterday.

So, I set my alarm for 6:00a.m, but like clock work always, I awoke before the wind chimes could sing.

5:45a.m to be exact.

I bounced out of bed, and with no Coffee or Meds., I began to Mop.

The Kitchen, Twice

The Cats Room *(It’s meant to be a Diningroom, Three Times.

Took A Break.

Meds.

Coffee ×2

Vacuumed.

Fixed up things here and there.

Got Trash and Recycle ready to haul out until a massive Thunderstorm came through.

It was only 8:30a.m.

Decided what to wear and Make-Up (Changed it up a bit), and then tackled emails and listened to a few Guided Meditation Series.

I had my regular Therapy Session at Noon, but at Eleven, I decided to do my Make-Up, so I would be ready for when my Parents arrived.

It has only been their 4th Visit together *(with the exception of Move-In Day, that would be 5).

1. August 26, 2017

2. December 30, 2017

3. April 7, 2018

Then

4. July 14, 2018.

This Visit was great.

They got to Meet their new Grand-Furson, Zeta.

They miss their other Jackson *(He loves them).

And we had an adventurous day out and a nice, but short visit after.

They arrived a little after 1:00p.m and were on the road a little after 6:00p.m.

Most of the Visit was spent out.

They ate Lunch, then we ran two errands together.

I could tell my Parents (My Mother especially) was happy with the cleanliness of my Rented House.

Their last Visit, the Rented House was a wreck. *(I had just re-started my Former Job, was super sick and Leonardo had just passed 16 Days prior to their last Visit. And his Ashes were not really his Ashes their last Visit).

I was not feeling 100% yesterday.

Sinuses and Dysautonomia, but I gave my all.

The time I enjoyed the most/heartfelt was when we all sat on my Enclosed Porch with both Cats.

They could see how both my Cats enjoy their time playing, watching, relaxing.

And my Life.

Alone.

All I do, am now.

I Teach M-F, Driving Roughly 410 Miles M-F, Then Saturday, Chores and my Saturday Evening Film Routine. And Sunday, Relax and Chores if I didn’t complete any from Saturday.

No one to talk to.

My Mother said something to me during our first Errand “You Lost More Weight Since Last Time We Saw You.” *(Late May, when I took the Train).
So, my Parents purchased (for Me) Chicken*(To Cook), GF Pizza, And Doritos at our second/last Errand together.

I take it as a compliment since she is behind my 12 Year Battle (then recovery) with Anorexia-Nervosa.

I know I have. *(Weight that is).

But, look at the circumstances.

Not just these past eight months, but just the past two months.

Too much happening/occurring in my life.

And as of right now, 9:13 ante meridian, I have the least amount of Finances since I was 25.

But, her comment made me happy. It’s uncommon to hear nice things about myself in entirety from my Parents.

And, I’m at a point in my life, I’ll take what I get, even in its rare form.

My Sunday Morning was interuppted of things I will not speak of.

Now, I will return to Guided Meditation, preparing for a busy week, and maybe a Sunday Treat.

Oh yes, let’s not forget, Laundry.

Being Alone Has Taught Me:

Love, Is A Commercial Emotion.
There Is No Forever Love, Commitment. Human Beings Are Not Wired For The Capacity To Love Eternally.
It’s All Fashion, A Thirty-Second Spot On Your Television.

“I know when to go out
and when to stay in.
Get things done.” David Bowie