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Burden Of Vice 

Dedicated To:
Gia Marie Carangi 

1960-1986

“Like my world

I’m on fire

I’m full of desire yeah

No more preachin on your part

[…]

And you can call me names

Oh oh yeah

And nothings gonna change the way I feel

And no ones gonna slow my gentle groove

[…]

And nothings gonna take the power away

And no ones gonna change the way I feel

No way

And no ones gonna slow my gentle groove

Till kingdom come

The work is done.” MLB
What does it mean to have a Vice, a Burden, a Devotion?

Gia had it easy.  A Career given to her, and she threw it all away with her burden and vice.

I do not feel empathy.  She chose to self-destruct and contract AIDS (something I cannot even begin to discuss as someone who has been sick from the beginning of my time here and now Disabled)
My answer?

Devotion.

Even then at eight, I was that sad.  I suffered deeply from Chronomentrophobia and Men. I think those go hand and hand you know.  Time was erasing my childhood due to what grown men had done to me. With that first moment, I knew I was in trouble.  It runs deep.  But, I could never imagine the devotion would last thirty years.

A burden carries over into Career, Relationships, Family.  This has never been my experience.  

Vice is such an overrated term today.  The original concept of suffering from a serious vice has been weakened by pathetic excuses for unnecessary social impairment  i.e Videogames, Social Media.

A Devotion takes such an effort it literally is all that matters no matter the circumstances i.e Disabled.  

Circumstances: no work, no income, Disabled, Chronic Health Issues Progressing, I am on fire. And the Bridge above the Train Lines are visible from my kitchen windows.  

I can just slip out the back door, walk the 1,000 feet or so, follow the broken pavement to the half-moon bridge and there would be no more circumstances.

And NOONE can take that power away from me.

It takes Devotion to kill yourself.  I survived all four attempts (wasn’t supposed to at 17.  Doctors still baffled).  

Gia chose Heroin and her ultimate mistake, to use a contaminated needle to continue her burden of vice.  

Fucking Stupid.

If I had $2,000-$3,000 to spend (that was her daily habit) I could afford not to lose my house, my cats, and pay my Health Insurance that I need desperately.

This is why Devotion is not the same.

I have sincerely struggled and suffered from tragedy since my fractured childhood, but I kept going even surviving the savage God, Suicide x4.

But, in 2008, my devotion became more than me.  My life then, Ex-husband Deployed again to Iraq, I was driving 190 miles a day to my Job, My Chronic Health Problems failing, and I was (literally) alone in that small Texas town.  

Fast-Forward to 2012. He had been back from Afghanistan for a year, stationed in Hawaii as I returned to the Mid-West.  My body, sick.  New Chronic Health Problems.  But, I was a successful Adjunct Instructor with a terrible secret, Devotion.

No one ever suspected, knew my pain.

Gia let everyone around her feel her soul.  She never hid her burden of vice. And no one gave a shit.  

Even at her Funeral, not one individual from her world (Modeling) attended.  How empty is that?

This is why my Devotion remains inside.  I wouldn’t call it a secret (my Parents know as my former Therapist from December 2015-March 2017). 

The thing Gia and I do carry is it only continues to grow when you’re broke as in financial hell.  Being Disabled with no Income is an equation for my Devotion to make a killing.

And no one can change that.

New Year’s Prelude

First Post Of The Year.

-5° Fahrenheit

Good Morning 2018.

I awoke 9:26 ante meridiem to sounds from above and dreams ending over to reality.  

My Dysautonomia on-fire (Possible #tres mild Heart Attack last Tuesday (while driving)tsk tsk.

I begin my morning routine remembering it is New Year’s Day, oh and a Monday.  

I enter the living room, candle wax is EVERYWHERE.  Shit.   Too hurt to clean right now.

My California Spangled is playing with a new toy (part of a set) jumping and running on the hardwood floor (I thought Cats slept in sunrise. My other Cat is comfortably warm).

1 Hour later I end up getting most of the wax, but I still have alot of polishing to do.

Pain.  My Chest.  

Excruciating.  

Blood Pooling/Low Blood Volume as well.

Starting of the New Year, I’m always intensely planning, resolving, re-newing.

Not this year.

I’m different now.

Yes, my Health is the same (worse/same depending on Health Issue), but Me.

I’m no longer Me.

I’m running out of time, literally.

No Income is my hourglass.  

*I did visit with my Parents two days ago.  Shockingly, it went well.  After my birthday Weekend from hell, it took 4 Months for them to return.  I’m hoping it’s not the last time they see me here.


Today, is another day, worrying, pain, sadness.  I was invited to a New Year’s Eve Party last evening. (NYE, is one of my three favorite Western Holidays).  I really wanted to attend.  But as the hours ran, I was drowning.  Too much stress.  I can’t attend some stupid New Year’s Eve Party.  I have no Income.  

So, as many years prior (even before Dysautonomia), I spent the Holiday alone.

I’m disappointed.  Truth.  But, with no Income my life is over.  There’s no celebrating that.

So, today.

Day 1 of 2018.

My freedom of time, ticking away.

The End 

For those who have pieces of my heart, you will be notified via Letter.

I’ve already began the process of re-homing my two furkids(Cats).

I’m done.

Ready to go.

I have nothing left.

I did not deserve this Disability (after working so hard) let alone the 14 Chronic Health Problems, 24 Surgeries, and All The Trauma I experienced(physically, sexually, emotionally) 

I don’t feel strange, hesitant.

But, rather in clarity.

It has been proven I’m destined for nothing.

This is with great sorrow and sadness, especially when I have tried my entire life 

To Survive.

The End Is Near.

Runaway Train

Nothing is made for me.  These days I just wait for the darkness to set, not even a sunset, but total darkness.  

Still.

No Work.

My Life-Line cut.

Where do I go?  I have nothing.

Truth.

Disability keeps me inside while the World keeps moving.

I want to go too.

Even before I became Disabled, I fought 14 Chronic Health Problems, hard.

Adjunct Instructor.                                                      Assistant Director Of An Entire College Department.                                                                    SME (Subject Matter Expert).                                        Certified Translator.                                                      World Traveler/Educator.
Even on my worst days, I could still drive get to my destination, my passion.

Currently.

Alone in this Disability. No fashion of support.  Yet, I keep trying.  

But, I’m running out of my survival.  I think I’m better suited underground like I was supposed to be 20 years ago.

*The Doctors still cannot believe I survived that Suicide Attempt.

Now.

I am not afraid.

There’s a Bridge close to my house.
If I jump, I am leaving nothing behind 

I have no Health, Savings, Kindness, Love.

It was all raped from me along time ago, and what was left was stolen by people who are false, soulless, cowards.
And as the train speeds up 

I know I never gave up 

Neither did I deserve the pain I have endured.

I’m not afraid.

Beatniks And Bread Lines

Ok.

So, my intelligent and beautiful cousin owns a DIY Blog.  It’s very enthusiastic, creative, and helpful. *(Darn those English Majors.  🙂 I was one too).

So, in my current state of No Work (After Educating 7 Days A Week for almost Sixteen Months straight) and I’m Disabled, I thought I’d give a crack at the DIY Arena, but with a Beatnik approach(as I myself am a Beat).
First, when Disabled (and not just Disabled, but 14 Chronic Health Problems) one has to learn how to survive due to lack of support in any fashion.

1. Food 

Due to Gastroparesis (apart of my Disability)

  • Gastroparesis: “A condition that affects the stomach muscles and prevents proper stomach emptying.

    Rare

    Fewer than 200,000 US cases per year.”  Mayo Clinic 

I don’t eat very often.  And when I do eat, it’s with the help of a Prescription.  

I stock up on Foods like:

Romaine Lettuce ($2.99 For 2 Bags)              Carrots  (2 Pound Bag For $2.99)                                  Potatoes (5 Pound Bag For $4.99)                                Block Of Cheese (What’s On Sale)                                Rice  (32 Oz Bag For $3.39)                            Salsa/Medium (16 Oz Jar For $2.78)                            Hot Giardinieras (16 0z Jar For $4.49)                        Onions (3 Pound Bag For $1.99)                                  *I’ll purchase Tomatoes, Mushrooms, And  Olives When On Sale.  (Jarred of course).             

*Everything Has To Be Gluten Free.  I Have Severe Celiac Disease.             

Here’s An Example Of What One Can Do With The Basics (okay, I attended Culinary Arts College, but still).

Homemade Spanish ‘Bruschetta’                        Over Rice Pilaf.

Poor People’s Salad.                                                        *No Dressing.                                                                   Just Salt/Ground Black Pepper.

These Meals Are Dated About 2 Months Apart.

2. Electricity 

  • Candles

This Candle Was Purchased At Target (Sale) And Burned Down To The Wick’s End.  I Have Two Of These Candles In The Living Room With No Other Lights On.  *(A Stove Light in the kitchen stays on that only produces 13w).

    3. Heat 

    I Keep The Heat Off Unless Truly Necessary.  Yesterday I Wore:

     1. Shorts                                                                                Yoga Pants                                                                        Skinny Jeans 

    2. Wife Beater                                                                      Shirt                                                                                  Velvet Pink Floyd Tee                                                    Hoodie

    3. Compression Stockings (a must for my Disability)                                                                              Thick Gold Toe Socks.                                                    Old Boots 

    No Heat Necessary.

    These are some tricks to keep the finances at ground, but still surviving without any support.

    Truth.

    My Life In Bottles.

    Mermaids 

    To keep my mind at ease while I’m sinking in the pain and stress upon me, I’ve been viewing a movie I like *(I’m a Film buff/snob).

    The movie is titled Mermaids after the Book by Patty Dann.

    I originally saw this movie in May 2000 when I was inpatient at the Hospital due to unknown reason(s) of organ(s) failure.

    One afternoon, after lunch, a nice woman came into my private Hospital room with a VHS Cart.  She asked of I would like to watch a movie, and in my weak state, I agreed. *(My Father was visiting, so my choice reflected his presence).

    After reading the back of the aged vhs box, I chose Mermaids. *(I’m partial to anything Christina Ricci is in.  It was her first movie role.  She played Kate Flax).

    I watched the movie (alongside my Father) and took to the Plot right away.  The early 1960’s: Fashion, Gender Roles, Classic Cars, Era Of Time, Family Relationships.

    On July 10, 2015, I found/ordered the DVD from Amazon. (It’s a ‘hard to find’ DVD, so that’s why the wait).

    How Ironic, I had been Disabled for about four months when I purchased it. 

    I knew it would make me happy as it did 15 years prior.

    I watched it a few times before I was forced to relocate this year.

    Now, I’ve viewed it three times in a month.  I know subconsciously, I’m looking for something, wishing.

    Change. 

    My life is deleting and I do not understand these circumstances.  I just want to Work/Teach, Pay Bills/Survive, Afford My Health Insurance/Disabled And Chronic Health Problems/New Health Problems,  Keep My Cats/I Love More Everyday/Alone.

    In the movie, ‘Change’ is a theme: Moving, Relationships, Era Of Time, An Accident.

    How can I make it easier?  

    Like the movie.

    I can’t.  

    I’m Disabled.  

    I’m being erased above ground and I have to experience without help, watch it all disappear like Kate drowning. 

    Deserved Soul

    Good Morning Saturday.

    The Wind has kept the House At 60° (as well as leaving the furnace on ‘off’ due to my Current Career situation). *My cough has returned most likely to sleeping in layers with no heat and the amount of stress laid upon me. I was supposed to have a Chest X-Ray, but have not due to Costs. (Checking.  Seems to be shifting).

    Today’s Saturday:

    Only educating for two hours.

    Alone, Cold, Restless.

    Nothing new but different.

    Nothing New.  

    I’m always alone on Saturdays.  I usually work 5 Hours then rest then clean.  It makes me miss my Dog.  

    Before I became Disabled, Saturdays meant road trips, long walks, adventure. 

    Just him and I. 

    He was my Best Friend.  

    I still have/had many (chronic) Health Issues, and the days that were long in pain and brought tears to my eyes, he would literally lick them away (I loved my Dog but that was the ONLY thing, never ever face touching. Not for me.  But, only when I cried).

    Different.

    My Best Friend And I Are No Longer Friends. Twelve Years Of Friendship Thrown Away In One Day (5 days ago).

    But, this Friendship had been diminishing the day I moved here (She wanted me to move here. She looked at properties for me). 

    Something I will never understand. *Or the few individuals aware of what occurred.

    I remember when I was forced to leave my Residence of six years, she suggested “Why don’t you live here.  I can help you with Doctors Appointments.  Etc.”  

    Within 30 Days, I had a place in motion, Signed-Lease, Moving Date.

    Her and I were ecstatic.

    I had not physicsally seem her in about a year.  And we both have similar pain in our lives that make our connection deeper.

    Almost four months have past, and I’m in worse shape then before I moved here. (I had another place in a different city, closer to where I was, but, I moved here without ever imagining all of this happening i.e Job, Ex, Friendship, Health).
    It’s sad hard on my Soul.

    I like it here. I bought two new pieces of furniture (with lots of decorations).  

    My Cats are happy.  They have more area to roam, play, be free (With a new CatLitter Penthouse, Toys, Scratch Boxes, and more Love).

    I was getting to know the town(s) (since I educate until late nights, I had to use my GPS for almost three months to get anywhere). *Yes, I’m not supposed to drive, but my support system…you already know. 

    Still Educating Seven Days A Week (for fifteen months straight), losing so much this past year, *losing everything when I became Disabled almost three years ago.  
    But, kept going.  Working hard because I love what I do and to survive. 

    Now.

    I am facing having to move (financial), not working (with no given reason as to why), having to re-home my Cats (after giving away my Dog of nine years, almost five months ago), and losing a Best Friend when she was in the wrong (and walked away months prior).  All on-top of new Health Issues (And Old Health Issues).

    I tried my best.  And I do not understand these circumstances nor deserve to be broken.