Good Morning Sunday.
6:42 a.m and I am lying here regretting wasting my Saturday.
Trying to erase everything that is current: Alone, Abnormal Test(s) Results, And Two Major Anniversaries coming-up.
Also, I was supposed to have tomorrow off due to personal reasons, but I missed 4.5 Days of Work/Educate the first week of this Month, so I felt I should stay and go in.
Let’s begin with Friday.
Non-Stop *(w/ a 50 Minute Break) from 4:30a.m-7:30p.m
I watched A Star is Born.
I want my money back.
What a cliche!!!
And, I didn’t do anything*(Friday Routine), no dishes, sweeping, mopping, etc *(except Laundry).
I was at my breaking-point of exhaustion.
I found slumber around 11:30 and found myself sleeping until 8:00a.m
I stayed under and spoke to my Mother for 1 Hour 26 Minutes, missing the Event I was supposed to attend yesterday for my (late) Brother, and talking about my Abnormal Test(s) Results and other things.
We spoke about Nicholas Hughes. It was his death Anniversary yesterday *(He was the Son of Sylvia Plath).
We talked about Movies and fillers *(Conversation with no great depth, but keeps us talking).
After lying around, not doing anything, I decided to watch Prozac Nation.
It had been some-time since I viewed it, and I wanted sonething different.
Everything was in it’s right place until I ate. *(Nothing unusual), but my Gastroparesis decided to give me chaos.
I felt so sick ontop of everything else, I went to bed around 4:30p.m.
I even missed my Date *(Wasn’t in the mood for a Date, but I didn’t realize how much time had past/passed, to tell him, I was in for the evening).
I ended up awake after 7:30p.m, sick to my stomach, restless.
I couldn’t find dreams until after 10:00p.m.
My Saturday Plan, ruined.
1 Hour and 3 Minute talk with my Mother, I decided I needed to be somewhat productive, i.e. Dishes, and Sunday Routine.
I still need to do complete so much more, but I am tired.
I know what that means.
Well, this Weekend was a bust.
Long Week ahead *(for many reasons).
And next Weekend is serious.
But, I’m remaining in light.
This is how I feel.
What I’m going through,
But, that’s the inevitable.
March 16, 2013
March 16, 2016. March 16, 2019
Today, was your death.
Why did you do it?
Finding yourself in the corners of your suicide closet, noose in hand, ready to exit your successful life.
My mortality deems you already dead before you turned two.
She chose You, your Mother.
It’s as if a piece of her extinction was passed through you as the gas curtains closed upon her.
Tragedy at its best.
Defeat at its worst.
You, look so much like her.
She would have loved you more.
Dr. Nicholas Hughes in 2000 in his office at the University of Alaska Fairbanks campus.
Photo by Dave Partee.
Nick And The Candle Stick
”I am a miner. The light burns blue. Waxy stalactites Drip and thicken, tears
The earthen womb
Exudes from its dead boredom. Black bat airs
Wrap me, raggy shawls, Cold homicides. They weld to me like plums.
Old cave of calcium Icicles, old echoer. Even the newts are white,
Those holy Joes. And the fish, the fish—-Christ! They are panes of ice,
A vice of knives, A piranha Religion, drinking
Its first communion out of my live toes. The candle Gulps and recovers its small altitude,
Its yellows hearten. O love, how did you get here? O embryo
Remembering, even in sleep, Your crossed position. The blood blooms clean
In you, ruby. The pain You wake to is not yours.
Love, love, I have hung our cave with roses. With soft rugs—-
The last of Victoriana. Let the stars Plummet to their dark address,
Let the mercuric Atoms that cripple drip Into the terrible well,
You are the one Solid the spaces lean on, envious. You are the baby in the barn.”
*My own Mother called me on March 16, 2009, telling me
Nicholas Hughes killed himself.
I had no need to ask ”Who?”
Shocked then anger came over me as if I controlled the weather.
My fondness expired for Plath’s own destiny, but her work remains as my exemplar.
Good Morning, Sunday.
Losing an hour for daylight/time is an Insomniacs worst nightmare.
Glanced at old clock then to mobile device, hour is different, ahead. Shit, I forgot. *(Important in-regards to how sick I have been and taking my Rxs).
So, Saturday Evening.
I tried to enjoy myself.
I was not feeling well at all, but I tried to enjoys Films.
I finished (again) Bohemian Rhapsody and was supposed to watch a comedy or something that makes me laugh, The Breakfast Club.
As Bohemian Rhapsody was playing, I started to really not feel well.
Both physically and in my heart.
I sat trying to be comfortably numb, but one, my Health wouldn’t allow it and either would my heart.
I am angry at myself for letting my Walls/Guard come down when I knew somewhere down this road, I would get hurt.
And I did.
And it’s all over.
I am fine with that.
All of the lies,
When my Brother passed in November, was she there?
Did she EVER come to my place when it was apparent my Health was lousy?
Did I EVER get to open up, talk about Me? *(twice in January…in the almost 5 Months we were “Friends”).
I even hesitated on accepting the
But, I did and from then on I regretted it.
I was out of place, awkward.
And my Health was no good.
I look at the time after, and it was just 7 Friday’s of the same.
Yes, in the beginning, I was happy. Happy to be back in the World *(After my Health in 2015, I was just erased) and hoping that I could find true Friendship again.
But, quickly, I realized it’s not about me at all meaning exactly what I stated above.
I was just a piece of furniture to be used when lonely.
Then after being accused of stealing, I knew in my heart, it was over and I felt stupid for ever thinking it was a true Friendship.
It always flabbergasts me how easy it is for others to just throw people away.
And, what I’ve learned from this mistake is that, people seek others out to fit in their lives when needed. Once the need is gone, so is the person.
Now, Sunday Routine will be completed later.
I am in sickness hell and want to rest without heartache.
I haven’t attached this photo in some time.
It’s how I feel about many components of my life.
Being used (manipulated is a better word), my Health, Work, living here.
It’s currently 34° with a High of 44° as the Sun tries hard to come out behind all the gray, bare trees swimming in a high-wind for what is still winter a piece of light blue Sky shades the clouds as silence is all around.
The choices I made in October were the wrong ones.
Good Morning Saturday.
As light peers through the cracks of veils, I’m being stalked.
So, let’s discuss.
I began this Journal six years ago. I pay for the Domain once a year, and have had some small success.
But, never any issues regarding what I write BECAUSE IT’S NON-FICTION AND MY DOMAIN.
This is my place where I write what I have inside, Subjects over the years usually maintain Education, Career, Family, Health, Relationships, and Friendships.
That’s what us Writer’s do.
I own a used copy of The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.
Over 700 Pages of raw, intense, true, emotion, memories, afflictions, desires, pain.
And it’s published.
And the funny thing?
The individual stalking, is my former-friend!
Truth is real.
Truth is a mirror.
When written, it brings all to light.
Most cannot deal with his/her truths.
Instead, move-on and hurt the next one.
Or whatever the truths maybe in that person’s life.
It’s exhausting to be stalked.
My Highschool Boyfriend (The Colombian. A Piece I wrote in Eng. 285 Creative Fiction, spring Semester 2002, I received permission to Write non-fiction, was highly recognized) stalked me as well as end the life of our Son.
*Yes, I have Awards for my Writing from my Alma Mater *(Bachelor’s).
As well as my my First and Second Master’s Degrees and other Publications.
So, I am not a fan of stalking.
I find it troubling.
But, not my problem.
I only write Non-fiction, what is true and it’s history of what I’m writing in that moment.
I’m on new Rxs, had a Chest X-Ray yesterday, and collapsed at my local supermarket.
I did manage to watch The Big Chill *(My second favorite Film of all time). First time I ever viewed it, 2004 when I was recovering from my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy.
So, this Film has many purposes for me.
I have my Saturday Routine today, but I have to take it easy.
I am still very ill.
I will say, it did not bother me Friday Evening that I was alone.
I thought, I was always alone.
I was a filler in someone else’s picture, and that’s not Friendship. That’s using my time, energy, and health negatively and I don’t understand or deserve that.
Yes, being alone gets old, saddens time, but maybe that is my current path.
“Wrong, a long time ago we knew each other for a short period of time; you don’t know anything about me. It was easy back then. No one had a cushier berth than we did. It’s not surprising our friendship could survive that. It’s only out there in the real world that it gets tough.” Nick / The Big Chill.
Good Morning, Wednesday.
Day 3 of being stuck inside my box, under a tainted comforter, wishing I wasn’t sick.
I am really sick.
I went to my AM Split-Shift yesterday, and couldn’t believe I did.
I went straight to my NP right after, and was so sick, many people were stating “You don’t look like you feel good. I hope you get fo feeling better.”
I was prescribed the same Med I took in late December, but I haven’t been this sick in about a year.
I don’t want to think/remember.
Instead, this cough is pushing me, and I feel like a cesspool of germs, sickness.
Thinking, nostalgic, when my old Best-Friend came to visit back in January 7.
We haven’t spoken since *(not uncommon), but does make me worry if he received negative news.
But, it’s the the news today, now Thursday that has me on edge.
Good Morning Thursday.
Cefdinir not at 100%.
Don’t know why.
Was given, Benzonatate. An Rx I’m unfamiliar with, so I’m hesitant.
But, with my Lungs, I can’t keep this cough.
My sternum hurts.
I return to Work/Educate tomorrow.
Even with the news, I have to.
My Exam, Labs returned abnormal.
I have to go back on Tuesday for another set and then some.
Tachycardia is here and I’m fatigued.
I just want slumber and recoup.
So, I can return to Work/Educate.
I’ve been listening to alot of Queen lately *(due to the Film).
I really dig, Radio Gaga.
It’s inspirational and different from the rest of their Work.
Alone again, it’s something I need.
Good Morning Sunday.
I open my eyes to continuous nightmares from Saturday until now.
It won’t stop.
I don’t understand.
It began with my Saturday evening, watching Mermaids *(It had been awhile since I re-viewed it, and after being a Childcare Provider for ten hours (on the dot), I wanted to watch something with Family, and Light).
I then re-rented Sid and Nancy, but within the fifteen minute mark, I was headed to slumber.
It was early from what I remember *(Maybe 10:30), which this early dream call is becoming more popular these Saturdays due to Split-Shift.
First, I was in dreams about Work. But, these dreams were really vivid with many story lines.
Individuals I’ve never dreamt about before, or places I’ve never visited/seen.
Then, the nightmares began.
In-depth nightmares of my Ex and his new Life.
Everyhour I awoke, it was like a pause button where the story-line left off.
Pure tortute and sadness.
I couldn’t climb out of the dreams, they just kept going forward.
I don’t want these.
Nor do I understand it all.
I am aware of why we dream, so the confusion to dreaming this is what’s at debate.
And, I need/want more slumber.
I average roughly 5-6 hours during the week. *(I NEVER sleep in continued slumber). On Friday Evenings maybe 5 hours, and Saturday Evenings maybe 5-6. So, there is no room in my mind or body for catch-up sleep.
And, now with my new Saturday’s, my sleeping hours will have to be re-arranged, so I can be an excellent Childcare Provider and still manage my Saturday Routine.
I’m too tired, let’s try exhausted, to feel and tomorrow, no Split-Shift. *(Not on Friday either).
But, this Week is going to be brutal.
The Districts Schedules are off due to make-up Comferences from January *(Bad Weather/No-School).
So, as mentioned, no Split-Shift tomorrow nor Friday, Tuesday, I have an Hour of Assessment for Physical Therapy on my Break, Thursday, I return to Work/Educate an hour early from my Break. And my Hours tomorrow/Friday are 9-6.
Ontop of all if that, new Executive Director *(Her daughter is one of my Students), preparing for our up-coming Fundraiser, Spring-Break, and day-to-day stuff and a Double Ear/Sinus Infection.
Routine will be completed later and I am hoping for more dreams that don’t disturb my heart.
This is exactly how I feel:
Cold, tired, maxed-out.
But, with my Make-Up and Hair done always.
I have to be tip-top shape this Week, and the way I feel now, impossible.
So, here’s to hope. Hope for good dreams and well health.
Good Morning, Saturday.
Wow, I was writing “Sunday.”
Maybe that’s because I’m getting sick *(Ears/Sinuses) or maybe it’s due to an Eleven Year Old in my house.
Yes, that is correct.
I started the Childcare Connections Program almost a Month ago *(Transportation only) then every Saturday *(That I am available), the Child will be at my house for roughly 10 Hours.
Drop-Off is at 5:50a.m, so I had my Set-Up ready, and the Child will most likely sleep for a few more hours *(As I was told by Child and Child’s Legal Guardian).
I did purchase some Breakfast Foods for today *(I will purchase more next Friday), and I am allowed to take said Child with me to do Errands *(One today).
But, I want to open this Week.
Especially, last evening.
Yesterday, I Worked/Educated for 9 Hours, then two Meetings *(One coming with a New Volunteer Tutoring Job for Inmates) **(Due to the Government Shut-Down, my Job at the Prison was put on hold onto mid-March). That is Volunteer as well.
After said Meetings, I was feeling lousy.
I could tell, Ear/Sinus Infection coming through like the wind.
I ran two errands, forgetting three important items *(why the necessary Errand today).
And, I was supposed to head over to my Co-Worker’s Place.
I was weak, and just wanted to rest my body.
But, I decided to just drive over after my last Errand.
I arrived at 7:15p.m, and my Co-Worker was in a very bizarre/strange mood.
Then proceeds to tell me why.
*And the smell of rotting goods was unusual as well.
My Co-Worker made a decision to get plowed at a local Pub, and let me say, I have never seen my Co-Worker like this.
Then continues to reveal what was becoming a wreck of a conversation.
My Co-Worker contacting individuals that shouldn’t be, trying to find love from a former serious Relationship, and Messaging away to others.
I was asked to depart around 11:25p.m
I was shocked.
Some person I have never heard my Co-Worker mention was coming over.
Could have told me before I opened the juggernaut Bottle of Sangria and put a movie on while you were alone in your Hot-Tub drinking.
The Relationship/Friendship is strained from two weeks ago, but now, is cracked wide open on my end.
There are reasons other than being pushed off the couch into the unknown night.
So, next Friday, I’m thinking ahead, and most likely spend it alone.
I actually have a Place in-town now *(Where I took/went with my Mother two Saturday’s ago).
*I feel terrible. “My” Child is sleeping, and I had Dishes *(Just Silverware) and the Kitchen is a Mess, so I quietly cleaned-up as best as I could and adjust the Heat.
So, my new Place in-town.
I think I’m going to treat myself there next Friday.
No, no more late evenings, but a few good hours is ok.
And this up-coming Work Week, I will need a place and space to call my own.
I have not attached this photograph for some-time.
I was looking for something “Positive,” due to the fact, I am now a Childcare Provider and have many responsibilities at my place of Work, I wanted light.
And this photograph speaks this to me as well as the Buddhist inside.
Leading the path, the Journey, the Unknown, but with an unforseen hoping guidance.
played am both Roles as a Parent,
With my Co-Worker and the Child in my Care.