“Much of the pain and suffering in our lives comes from holding onto things too long and too tightly.
The skill of learning to let go and to release and relax into the flow of life is a recipe for greater peace and happiness.” L.
This concept is something I struggle with not just as a Buddhist, but in life, this universe.
My regular Therapy Session yesterday needed an extra 30 minutes due to this exact concept.
As I lie here, Sunday late afternoon, missing my Mother’s Birthday, I reflect on many people in my life.
Things I don’t understand, can’t let go, want answers.
My life default.
Here I am, alone, no one to talk to, sunk in from a super Sinus Infection, chores complete, and just wanting some peace. My mind to stop circling the past as if somehow the circles will rewind time and I can change things or make it stand still.
Moving too fast now.
I want do-overs, repeats, days of the past to return.
My eyes are heavy from lack of dreams and the Infection.
I look at the blank aging walls, two windows covered with blinds, I can see my Enclosed Porch. The sun still beaming in, reminding me another Weekend has past and I did it alone again.
Is there no longer anybody out there?
The irony of this manipulated Album Cover. How the prism breaks, shatters because “a matter of fact, it’s all dark.” Pink Floyd
Is it Saturday?
I’m once again sunk in bed with a Sinus Infection.
This time, no Prescription due to no Insurance.
I’m hoping the few I have left from the last round will be sufficient enough to get me back up.
I’m also overly tired. In the sense it’s unusual.
Yes, I didn’t sleep the greatest this past Work week, but that is not a new concept to my body *(or mind).
With a splash of water and Silk Vanilla Almond Milk Creamer.
Coffee is a Sinus Infection’s Nightmare, but I’m so tired, I need to snap it up and open my body and mind.
I only have one errand to run today and my usual Therapy Session at Noon, but my eyes are closing to erase the things I have to do.
I am Sad.
Sunday, is my Mother’s Birthday.
I wanted to take the Train, but the Tickets were too expensive *(My second Pay from my new Job was incorrect again).
I thought about driving to see her.
I now drive 82+ Miles M-F.
Why couldn’t I make the 111 Mile(one-way)/ 1 Hour 41 Min. Trip?
I haven’t driven a distance in that capacity since early March 2015.
I also haven’t been able to purchase anything for her Birthday either.
For the first time in my Adult Life, I actually do not know what she wants/needs.
I mean, I had not been to my Parents House in 14 Months, and prior to that, it was rarely a short visit Post-Dysautonomia.
I never felt Welcomed.
Two, they made me feel unwelcome, a burden.
They stopped driving to my old Duplex after March 2015.
So, how would or should I feel?
This carousel of emotions is making my stomach churn.
Or, that could be the Infection, Coffee, Dysautonomia.
But, I truly wanted to visit her.
Last year I’m unsure of her Birthday Plans were due to the fact I was relocating/moving in 10 Days after, but the year before, I believe I drove to my Parents House. *In 2015, I couldn’t drive period, so my Father came to pick me up.
Prior to March 2015, I always took her out for her Birthday *(When Schedules collided).
Pedicure, Shopping, Dinner.
Or She would come over for a fabulous meal, gifts, rented movie *(With my Father).
Now, I’m stuck.
I don’t feel well. Really sinking from another Sinus Infection, unusually exhausted, and how am I going to get there?
Plus, no Presents.
So, another Saturday alone?
Laundry, Cleaning, Errands.
This is my life now.
And it’s blue.
Good Morning Sunday.
Up At 2:00ish, then 3, 5, then 8:a of am.
Decided to change into my Sunday gear *(Black shorts with Glitter Gold Stripes, Shades Of Blue Almost Purple And White Plaid Pajamas [it’s from a set], Wife Beater, and an AC/DC Crop Top).
Got Laundry Going *(Two More Loads Today), Then Dishwasher Later.
Everything else is spotless.
My Parents came downbound for a Visit yesterday.
So, I set my alarm for 6:00a.m, but like clock work always, I awoke before the wind chimes could sing.
5:45a.m to be exact.
I bounced out of bed, and with no Coffee or Meds., I began to Mop.
The Kitchen, Twice
The Cats Room *(It’s meant to be a Diningroom, Three Times.
Took A Break.
Fixed up things here and there.
Got Trash and Recycle ready to haul out until a massive Thunderstorm came through.
It was only 8:30a.m.
Decided what to wear and Make-Up (Changed it up a bit), and then tackled emails and listened to a few Guided Meditation Series.
I had my regular Therapy Session at Noon, but at Eleven, I decided to do my Make-Up, so I would be ready for when my Parents arrived.
It has only been their 4th Visit together *(with the exception of Move-In Day, that would be 5).
1. August 26, 2017
2. December 30, 2017
3. April 7, 2018
4. July 14, 2018.
This Visit was great.
They got to Meet their new Grand-Furson, Zeta.
They miss their other Jackson *(He loves them).
And we had an adventurous day out and a nice, but short visit after.
They arrived a little after 1:00p.m and were on the road a little after 6:00p.m.
Most of the Visit was spent out.
They ate Lunch, then we ran two errands together.
I could tell my Parents (My Mother especially) was happy with the cleanliness of my Rented House.
Their last Visit, the Rented House was a wreck. *(I had just re-started my Former Job, was super sick and Leonardo had just passed 16 Days prior to their last Visit. And his Ashes were not really his Ashes their last Visit).
I was not feeling 100% yesterday.
Sinuses and Dysautonomia, but I gave my all.
The time I enjoyed the most/heartfelt was when we all sat on my Enclosed Porch with both Cats.
They could see how both my Cats enjoy their time playing, watching, relaxing.
And my Life.
All I do, am now.
I Teach M-F, Driving Roughly 410 Miles M-F, Then Saturday, Chores and my Saturday Evening Film Routine. And Sunday, Relax and Chores if I didn’t complete any from Saturday.
No one to talk to.
My Mother said something to me during our first Errand “You Lost More Weight Since Last Time We Saw You.” *(Late May, when I took the Train).
So, my Parents purchased (for Me) Chicken*(To Cook), GF Pizza, And Doritos at our second/last Errand together.
I take it as a compliment since she is behind my 12 Year Battle (then recovery) with Anorexia-Nervosa.
I know I have. *(Weight that is).
But, look at the circumstances.
Not just these past eight months, but just the past two months.
Too much happening/occurring in my life.
And as of right now, 9:13 ante meridian, I have the least amount of Finances since I was 25.
But, her comment made me happy. It’s uncommon to hear nice things about myself in entirety from my Parents.
And, I’m at a point in my life, I’ll take what I get, even in its rare form.
My Sunday Morning was interuppted of things I will not speak of.
Now, I will return to Guided Meditation, preparing for a busy week, and maybe a Sunday Treat.
Oh yes, let’s not forget, Laundry.
Being Alone Has Taught Me:
Love, Is A Commercial Emotion.
There Is No Forever Love, Commitment. Human Beings Are Not Wired For The Capacity To Love Eternally.
It’s All Fashion, A Thirty-Second Spot On Your Television.
“I know when to go out
and when to stay in.
Get things done.” David Bowie
6:23 a of am when I opened my eyes.
Apart of why I started this Blog. *Spring Semester 2013, I was only Teaching Tuesdays/Thursdays. So, I wanted to keep working on my Book. And to write on the days I was not Educating.
MondaysWednesdaysFridays was born.
Now, back to present.
Could I ever imagine things could get worse?
My first Paycheck from my new Job was short. A lot.
I could not fulfill the arrangement I made with my Current Landlord, and my Finances are in a state of emergency, which has led my Depression to the end of its time.
Today, is actually a Holiday.
I do not get paid today like most.
So, My next Paycheck will be short too.
I can’t make it anymore.
I receive no OT, Spending $150.00 a Week on Gas, and it’s literally impossible to survive.
I’m striking out on finding a place near my new Job as well.
Last evening, I didn’t get settled until after 7:45p.m.
I had to wait for my Landlord to come.
I wanted to just sit on my Enclosed Porch with my Fursons and relax.
But, I physically couldn’t.
So, I completed a load of laundry and watched (for the Fourth Time)
David Cassidy: The Last Session.
I watched it again *(just after re-viewing it this past Sunday) due to the significant amount of tragedy we both share.
There’s a 40 year old Interview of him stating “I was in the bathtub alone and there was a collapse.”
My collapse was, Texas 2008.
I was alone.
Driving 190 Miles A Day for 9 Months to my Job, No Friends *(with the exception of my Dogs), and my Ex-Husband Deployed again.
I returned to the States in 2008 from China.
I was on this cosmic high that it would be easy to find a Job now and live a better life until he returned home.
I was Unemployed for four Months.
First Job in Texas fell through after 6 Weeks due to no Budget *(I was hired to Manage/Develope an ESL Program), but with luck the CEO of the Schools found a place for me at another school as an ESL Teacher.
So, I drove 190 Miles a day *(4 days a week. We had Fridays off) for the following nine months.
But, inside, I was unraveling.
Chapter 1 of my Collapse.
Chapter 2 would be 2012 when I isolated myself that year.
Then Chapter 3 would be 2016.
Chapter 4, 2017-Present.
My eyes are closing as it is only 8:35 ante meridian and the weather is already torching the sunrise through my windows, burning me.
I wanted to sleep today.
To forget, it is a day off for a Holiday, but I do not get paid for it and the Financial Emergency I’m currently in that is drowning every particle of my existence, and just to have peace today.
Tachycardia, Blood Pooling, Headache, Had Extreme Vision Issues last night *(haven’t experienced that in months).
I will return later as my mind is calling my dreams.
I meet the moment of sleep, it invites me in, but my anxiety keeps sleep at the door.
So, I play The Cowboy’s Lament by Jewel.
The first time I heard it was May 11, 2018. I had a tear fall as I sat in the darkened room.
The song made me feel and think about my Leonardo. My Sweet Boy.
And now, how’s it’s been over 3 months since his sudden passing, and how his Spirit is here in Ashes.
How I want to be with him.
I’m so alone Leonardo and Mommy is struggling more than ever.
Mommy is in trouble, mentally that someone called 211 in-concern.
I was going through David Cassidy’s Music Catalog, and came across a song that is supposed to be heard as up-beat, happy. But, there is a deep sadness in his voice. He was 24 at the time the Album was released.
Three days later.
I return to this post.
I’m now in the first stage of another Sinus Infection.
I’m worn down, ears, throat, and obvious, nasal all hurting and uncomfortable.
I definitely cannot afford to get sick now and miss work.
Last evening, Friday I didn’t rest my bones until after 8:30p.m
Long drive home, two errands, cleaning.
I decided to sit out for a short hour on my Enclosed Porch with my two Cats.
The weather, dramatically changed.
It was almost 30° Cooler than on Wednesday.
I think the change affected my new Infection.
I also returned to
David Cassidy: The Last Session.
I made it half way and paused where I wanted to.
I wanted to re-view certain clips of the Special.
What I’m going through.
I was not feeling well *(The new Infection had already started it’s race), so I zoomed around on my Roku then to bed.
Only to sleep at 5:45a of m.
I did manage an extra hour.
I have my Regular Therapy Session in forty minutes then a list of chores but I don’t want to aggravate the new Infection and waste tomorrow.
So much *(chores) has to get done today too.
Too much is happening in my life
And now, I am sick again.
I need something and someone.
I couldn’t even make it a full year.
On June 25 I had to inform my current Landlord that I cannot afford Rent *(in whole) this Month.
I asked if I could arrange two payments this Month.
He agreed since during my eleven months here, I have never been late on paying Rent nor had to ask for an extension.
I am supposed to get paid in 2 days from my New Job, and I have a lot of crunching to do. *(No Over-Time and $150.00 in Gas already is two against me).
So, Month Eleven. On the dot.
I spent last evening alone (As usual), but was actually invited to an Event. But, it was an Hour away and my budget cannot afford it and my Finances are weak.
So, again, Saturday evening was spent partially on my Enclosed Porch with my two Cats and Outdoor Candles *(My beautiful two sets of LED Lights are fractured. My Wild Child broke one by climbing up the Enclosed Porch to pursue the cord then as he jumped downward he caught the cord and it withered off. The other set? Just stopped working. So, I purchased two[On-Sale] LED Citronella Candles. The LED part of the Candles worked twice. Last night just flames. **The other Candle is a cheap Outdoor Candle that has a wire handle. I though about mounting it on the porch, but Wild Child would probably destroy that too).
We spent about 2 hours on the Enclosed Porch.
The Weather had calmed and a breeze came through to offset the 90° all day temperature.
My Cats seemed restless, almost bored last night.
I was surprised, shocked a little. But, maybe they know, feel something is going on. This is not our home anymore.
Yes, I am trying to re-locate closer to my new Job.
I have already looked at 1 Apartment, and tomorrow, I go look at a House I’ve been trying to see all this past week.
The House has an Enclosed Porch, but with Windows. 🙂 *(Something I’ve dreamt about for most of my life).
I am hoping this will work.
I will be receiving some Financial Help from my Parents since
One, My “Sister” decided not to help me then disappeared from my life.
Two, Can’t move home/My Parents House. It’s been made clear as a diamond that I am not worth as much as others.
If it doesn’t work out, I have a week or so to search and find a place.
If not, I’m stuck here in worse Financial shape in my entire Adult life.
That means there’s only one solution if that occurs.
Sunday. Now, dedicated solely to prepare my body for Driving.
I like my new Job.
I really do.
I like who I work for and work with.
If I can make it to a place closer, things would be easier on my Health and Finances 100%.
It would be the turn of luck I need after all of this darkness and tragedy these past eight months.
I am truthfully hopeful regarding tomorrow and the week.
I’m not praying*(The Buddhist way), asking out loud for help(light), but in true hope with 100% of my being in posititivity.
Walking in with open eyes and a clear heart
That my future could turn.
Release me. I need the road to transformation not just for my physical self, but emotionally, financially, and for my two Fursons who need me.
Good Morning Saturday. How you let me in dreams until 8:32 ante meridian!
Two hours have past/passed.
A little Laundry, Cleaning Up after the Cats, and kitchen.
A quick Guided Meditation and my newest Cat sleeping on top of me.
George Michael on the speakers, and me, on fire.
I have my Regular Therapy Session at 12p.m., and I am not really wanting to talk much.
My body hurts and when my physical is in this much hurt, I’m disconnected mentally from what I need to fix.
I am invited to my first
MC Party today.
I was going to find something very cheap to wear, but had no time this week *(On my Lunch Break).
I really want to attend.
But, it’s an hour drive, I’ve spent $150.00 on Gas Alone these past two weeks with my last Check being on the 15th. *(Eleven hours short due to being Terminated).
I’m exhausted from Driving, I don’t have the proper attire, and Finances.
Yet, I find myself wanting to go.
I missed my Therapy Session due to falling into a strange sleep.
I awoke a few hours later, exhausted.
I thought about running an errand or two, but the heat was killer and I just wanted to sleep *(I didn’t know why).
So, I just listened to the new Nine Inch Nails Album, then later, Unknown Pleasures and Substance, a Collection of Joy Division’s Music “1977-1980.”
I was preparing mentally for my Saturday Night Plans, hoping to see my neighbor before she moves. *(Nope).
I must be a wretched person.
I asked a Co-Worker to hang, but she’s too busy.
Even my Parents forgot about coming down this Saturday *(Next Saturday they can’t. Too busy).
The Usual aspect of my sunset that turns quickly to a melancholy darkness.
7:25 a of m on the dot.
It’s strange that I wake at the exact same time every Saturday and Sunday.
Or maybe my Mind just hits the 5 or 6 hour mark, and wakes up my tired body.
Last Night, I did enjoy some time with my two Cats *(On my Enclosed Porch), but I wasn’t feeling 100%. My Dysautonomia. So, I was uncomfortable, but I wanted to let my babies have their fun.
As we were outside, the (part) Blue Russian came by again. This time, standing at the Enclosed Porch Screen Door.
I was devastated, I almost cried.
I didn’t let him on the porch *(Outside Cats carry stuff that I don’t want my Cats to acquire).
I ran to the kitchen, and remembered I had a mini bag of Food from when I adopted/rescued my latest, Zeta.
I filled up a Cup of Food and then a Cup of Water.
When I went back onto to the Enclosed Porch, he was lying on the stairs that lead up to the Screen Door. When I opened the door, he ran down. I put the food at the bottom of the stairs. He came over and ate a few bites. and then disappeared. *(Not like the last time when I fed him two slices of turkey lunch meat and he stayed around the house).
The Blue Russian made me think of my Leonardo. Like I could feel his spirit.
This Friday marked three months since my Leonardo passed away. It hit me hard Friday morning and even harder Friday evening driving home from Work.
The mourning crept up yesterday too, and I just thought about how everything that has occurred since Nov. 2017.
As I try to relax, I think about the Weekend at my Parents House. One, time flies. It’s already been four weeks since I made the Trip. Two, how I didn’t feel darkness when I was there. *(As I stated before, as soon as I stepped my foot into my rented house, I felt this overwhelming darkness). Like something else would occur. *(And it did. I lost my Job 10 Days later, and someone that I have called Sissy (Sister) for seven years ended nineteen days later). It’s as if I was being warned. I even felt it on the Train. A shift in emotions. How I have not been happy here in almost eight months.
How I’ve lost everything.
And how I’m still losing the battle with Financial Crisis, My Health, Being Solo.
Today, I just want to rest, sleep.
My body has to be ready for tomorrow.