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Friendship Lost

To a loss of a friendship.

I am writing this letter with great sadness and
former anger.


After 12 years, I would never have imagined you treating me the way you did on November 20,
2017
.  You would not even open the door
to talk to me after I sent you messages (via PM).  Then when I returned home, you blocked
me.  I think both were cowardly moves.
And I will never understand why or how.

You caused me a great deal of pain that day/evening and you never
apologized.  Or were willing to talk to
me (except your text that afternoon telling me you need to limit your time but
you still end the text ‘Love You Friend’).


Baffling.

I don’t know why you
ever wanted me to move down here.
I was your best friend.  We were going to
support eachother, help eachother, be able to hang out.
But, you withdrew from me as soon as I relocated here.
Again, I’ll never understand why.
*You drove 190 miles for me on July 28, 2016 (which I will remember forever and
am thankful for) but, you came to my house four times in four months and I
lived 15 minutes away.  

And you made me feel you never wanted to hang out.  As if I had already became a memory. 


And by October, you were vanishing completely.


I knew you were so sick, but your heart changed and I didn’t understand why.


Everyday, I told you how can I help, I am here for you, or if you need to talk,
or what can I do?

Always: “No.  Nothing you can do.”


I considered you the closest person to me. 
And I thought you did the same, but apparently I was mistaken/mis-judged.


I will always think about you, even though you threw me away, and I’ll never
know why.


Don’t become a random photograph in the eyes of close friends.  Consistency is character.  And, without it, there’s no value to friendship.

Suicide Repeat 

In twelve days I don’t have a job.

No, I was not terminated or quit.

It just stopped.

After How Hard I Have Worked, 

Educating Seven Days A Week For FIFTEEN Months Now 

I Don’t Deserve This.
My Job Is My

Life-Line.
I Can’t Just Jump In My Truck And Work.

Thank You Dysautonomia.

You Have Disabled Me, Ruined My Life.
You Win.
I keep looking each direction                                 For a spotlight, give me something                             I need something for protection                        Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine                        the jetsam sunk, I’m left behind                                I’m treading for my life believe me.”  Blue October

Spectrum Down

It’s 6:19 a .m

I awoke to a massive right temple headache, which is still occurring.

I’m scared.

I can’t even place my head on my pillow.  The pain is that intense.

I have a Follow-Up today (in 3 and half hours) with my new Doctor (who specializes in Internal Medicine) for the results of my MRI and MRA I had this past Friday.

By the pain I’m in, the images I saw(on Friday), and the Neurologist he is working with, I am prepared for terrible news.

I am.

My insomnia has progressed to a state of emergency.

My Disability is crashing.

Last evening I was so stressed from anxiety(Work and missing a Meeting due to being so ill, my Neighbors, driving and again waiting beyond for my Grocery Pick-Up) 

I lost it (after having to clean up cat vomit).

I’m not like everyone else.

Cleaning takes every ounce of my energy due to my Disability/Dysautonomia.

So, after spending the Weekend Educating and Cleaning, I just couldn’t take it.

5:41 a.m

Next Day.

Surprisingly, MRI/MRA results: ‘Negative.’

So, this leaves with more unanswered questions and anxiety.

I will return to the Hospital this Friday.  

Headache still alive.  

A Distressed Diary 

I woke with a purpose today.  Even on three hours of sleep. But, that purpose has already moved on.

The physical pain I am in is so wretched, I just want to Sleep, but due to Daylight Savings Time, my Schedule is pushed back an hour.  

That’s fine.  I used to Teach starting at 5:30a.m for a month straight (up to 14 Classes a Day).  That Job seems so long ago.  Everything does post Dysautonomia. *(That Job was in 2015).

My worries have become anxiety.  A feeling and concept I had as a child-adolescent.  Then mid-teens to early twenties.  Then.  It just faded.  

Anxiety: A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one’s daily activities.”  Mayo Clinic 

I would stand in-front of the mirror making sure my ponytail had no “bumps.” If it did, I couldn’t go to school (in my mind).  I saw my reflection and all I did was worry.  I was eleven.  This cannot be normal. 

Now.  Anxiety seems like a partner.  It’s always there.  Sometimes more present then I consciously recognize.  

I think it’s also depression mixed in with my battle with insomnia and my demons.

My Disability will forever keep me down, but there is something else inside.

My ten minute reminder for Work just scrolled across (It’s not that I’m forgetful, it’s just apart of the Schedule I use).

Strange.  I have a six hour break today (a few Cancellations), and I have set my mind to sleep. 

I will use Guided Meditation (I have access to new Meditations in Sets/Series, and I will try my best to truly Meditate then Relax to Sleep.

But, I know from the physical pain I’m experiencing now, and the anxiety that corses my veins will give me limited time to be free. 

Agenda.

I completed my morning tasks (Educating, Dishes, Laundry started, and Medication).

I’m on my (rare) long break now.

I feel so ill (strangely after drinking Evian for Breakfast.  I used to drink 1.5 Liters of Evian Water a day for a year, and I stopped consuming it due to moving and not having the luxury of finding it in Liters).  My stomach is in IBS knots, I’m sweating as if I’m breaking a fever, and my usual Disability pains.

How do I relax let alone sleep?

My Cats are quietly fighting as I am once again filled with anxiety.

I can’t even drink water now without becoming sick to the point of exhaustion.

All I can put into imagery is number of hours of work, picking up Groceries tonight, and my Appointment tomorrow (I saw the MRI Images on Friday.  It was horrific). 

My eyes are heavy and I’m screaming in silence “Is there anybody out there?”

As soon as I started to drift (on my own) my Boss messages me:  I’m losing another 8 Hours this month and discussed the ‘Why’ of cancellations.  *My Schedule is still empty for the Month of December.

See what I mean.

Anxiety.

Insomnia.

How to remain within all of this is impossible.

The Grind Show

Month Three.

Nothing’s really changed.  I have added a few small pieces of furniture but no guests to see it.
Struggle.  That has been the word of these past two months.

Struggling with Someone so toxic it was dismantling my own life.  I was becoming so detached from his abuse, my ancient Trauma was flooding me with the past. It was exhausting and unravelling. *As I was working today, I noticed a completely random Kohl’s Receipt on the Floor, just lying there with purpose. I knew the receipt was from our Weekend Vacation.  On my Break, I picked it up, and saw the date.  Yep.  That’s the receipt.  Why was it just there, a reminder of a time between him and I that was calm?  In eighth Months that was the only Weekend that worked between us.

Struggling with what occurred during my Birthday Weekend and the continuous death of Family.  The communication is at a one percent. And, I know this time, it will remain like this forever. And I don’t mind.  Anymore.

Struggling from losing Health Insurance due to my Ex-Husband’s serpentine heart, terminating  my Coverage when he is quite aware of my Disability and Declining Health (This includes Signing Documents behind my back, which infuriates me to the point of no return.  I was the ONLY person there for him during his Three Deployments and all of the pain that comes attached to the return from War with no Family (but Me).

Struggling with moving even further away with what little support I had is slowly vanishing.  And due to the fact I educate seven days a week, there is no time for finding anybody out there.

Struggling with new and advanced Health Problems, on my own.  This is not a new concept, but with my current outrageous (and expensive) Health Insurance and waiting months for Tests is causing my Disability to drain and progress.  

It’s all beyond comprehensible.
How am I supposed to just be (within my Disabled self) with constant day to day extreme chaos I call struggles?
Happiness must be something unattainable let alone stability and contentment.  

I’m suffocating and losing the will to keep continuing the survival of it all.

The real question is, why should I?  

“I watched a change in you.                                                           It’s like you never had wings.”   Deftones 

The Happiness Exchange 

4:39 a .m Sunday.

My Alarm is set to chime in exactly 5 Hours.

I have slept 3 hours and have been awake since 12:39a.m 

Time is something I obsessively accurate about and begging for the hourglass to slow down.

I tried Guided Meditation.  My mind is to chaotic right now, and I’m experiencing massive pain again.  

Took said Medication for pain and other for *sleep. (It’s not intended for sleep, but it helps me find a few hours of mental peace).

I tried watching my go-to comedy. 

Nothing.

Heat is still inconsistent, so I’m upset about it, which only triggers more insomnia.

I’m in too much pain to read, and my anxiety is causing my Disability to go up a gear (Tachycardia).

So, I tried thinking of things I enjoyed doing this past week (outside Educating days a week).

Mostly, nothing.

I went to the Supermarket once (I’m not supposed to Drive, so imagine that scenario).

I completed a Double Viewing of My So-Called Life (I own the Box Set).  *That brought back a flood of unconscious memories I was unprepared for the next morning after a night of 1990’s entertainment.

I interacted with my two Furkids (Cats).  Due to my Work Schedule, we only get to hang-out fairly late.  But, they don’t seem to mind.

I rescued my Tux over four years ago, and I rescued my California Spangled 3 years ago.  So, they are apart of me as I am apart of them (Even In the new house.  Going on Month THREE.  How Time flies).

*I rescued them both Predisability. 

But, return to what I enjoyed.

That’s all.

Depressing.

Tonight.  After I’m finished with Work (9p.m) It will be another page of my book that is unwritten.  

Happiness is no longer 

So, I have to create/event my own, on my own. 

And that’s exactly what I did.

The End Of Halloween

Virgo horoscope for Sunday Oct 29

“The dark clouds above – those scary things that have been hanging over your head and following you around – are not dissipating. You may not have noticed though, Virgo, because you have been afraid to look up. You have just kept your head down looking at the ground. But that is all about to change. Be brave. Take a look around. If you do, you will see that things really are getting better. Conditions are improving, and soon, you will feel more carefree. It’s about time.”

I NEVER share my Horoscope.

It’s private, revealing, the truth inside.

Today’s Horoscope is accurate.  More accurate lately as if the Astrology System is following me down.

It’s 1:29 a .m 

Sleep?

3 Hours.

I have to Teach in 8 Hours for 8 hours.

My heat was not working this evening, so I had to call my Landlord (three hours away) and sent a Contractor out.

He was nice.  Even in my state of Depression and Exhaustion.

I was supposed to attend a Halloween Party (with 29 others) and like last weekend, I had to Cancel to due my Health(that was a get together on a Lake House. Something I have ALWAYS wanted to do).

So, here I am, in darkness.  Silence. As my body aches and my soul is drained.

I’m struggling Financially due to decreased Teaching Hours (even Teaching 7 Days A Week, I’m not making it) 

I’ve spent the last two weeks alone due to my Health/Disability 

And I’m running out of patience.

At least on Friday evening (late) I watched my first Creature Feature (That’s what the Marathons were titled in the 1980’s).  *No like me to miss 28 Days of Halloween Film.

I rented (via Xfinity) 

Fright Night, 1985. (Original).

I actually loved it.

It made me laugh and rewound quite a few Superb cinematography shots. 

I also Rented: 

The Wicker Man, 1973 (Original).  I started to preview it, but was finding myself in Halloween boredom.

I will finish and watch a few Classics on Monday Evening.

This October just has not been the same.

With two sets of new and quite serious Health Problems, Work, and the Anniversary of my Ended poisonous Relationship.  

It’s true.

The dark clouds above are following.  I need a break.  Spiritually, Financially, and Connections.

One Of My Favorite Holidays, almost in conclusion without my celebration.

Bedridden.  

Forgotten.

I found this photo last year for Hallowen.

It’s me. What’s on the outside is life and nothing remains within.