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Reprise Waiting

Good Afternoon Sunday.

I awoke to noises, in a panic.

People are moving-in up stairs.

*I was told “some-time” this week.

A couple with two cats and lots of plants.

Grand.

*Sarcasm.

The panic was not the actual noise, but what time was it?

Something(Rx) knocked me out into a very deep slumber, and I thought maybe it over-slept my Sunday. Meaning, I didn’t get to complete my House Chores, Sunday Routine.

I raced into rented kitchen

Finishing

Laundry ×3

Dishwasher ×2

Now, I have extra work to do due to my Landlord coming tomorrow to fix the Dryer.

Cleaned Bathroom Floor *(Where Washer/Dryer Sit), Washing Machine, Toilet.

Then, I tried to eat something while completing a partial Re-View of Season 2 Thirtysomething.

It hit me like a cliche dump-truck.

Zombie and Stomach Pains.

Last load is re-washing and second load of Dishwasher, drying.

I’m headed to a land of slumber.

I was hoping for more time today to relax into this state, but my body is a mystery when it comes to Rx.

Heavy eyes, chest, legs, mind.

How to Sleep during sunlight should be a book.

*Contiuation from last Sunday.

6:45 a of m on the dot.

In confusion, I thought it was some time in the mid-afternoon.

Maybe sunrise, maybe my mind in heavy REM Cycles, maybe depression.

I closed my eyes only to open them about 2 Hours more.

So, I did meet said Neighbors last early evening.

They seem nice.

Approachable.

She a Teacher, He I don’t know, and they have a 16 year old Cat and a 4 year old Cat.

They look cute as a Couple.

Made me sad.

The Tenants before were just friends/Roommates, but still, they had companionship.

The mess before, Toxic Relationship. *I had to deal with them for about 7 months.

Then two months of Silence.

Then the previous Tenants *(who were quiet, with the exception of occasional sounds of television and moving furtniure), it’s been in silence again for two months.

I was hoping to befriend the last Tenants, and I did *for a very short time then she relocated to another State).

How pathetic am I?

I can’t even find Friendship above.

And my Saturday?

Yes, I did enjoy being with my two Cats on the Enclosed Porch.

I enjoyed it because they were happy.

The weather was calm, so we sat out from light to a deep sunset.

I was comfortable.

Then, I decided to do a few things around the place then pick a Scary Movie.

What lies Beneath.

A great go-to Thriller for this time of year. *I watched the original release in Theater.

Today, a lot happening inside.

Today, is 6 Months since my Leonardo crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

I thought about it two days ago.

How time has moved fast.

How I think of him more outside the home then in. *(I have him here. His Ashes).

I still see the scene from time to time. Waking up due to my Eldest Cat pouncing on him, and seeing Leonardo, the way he was lying on the wood floor next to the bed where I put my feet down everyday.

It seems longer since he passed.

Maybe because of all the continued/stress/pain I’ve taken.

Landlord is 24 minutes late.

I would like to return to dreams while I watch something.

Landlord is 38 minutes late.

Frustrated.

Not how I wanted my Sunday to be.

Actually, I promised myself to change my Weekend Routine.

That did not occur.

Why?

Saturday’s are lonely enough, why make it below that?

My Favorite Talking Heads Record, Remain In Light.

I just cropped the Album Cover *(Which is Genius), but let it be.

I haven’t listened to the Album in some time.

Maybe today, as I have to wait on my Sunday.

Autumn Delight

Good Afternoon Saturday With Your Annoyance Of Sunlight, Messages

*New Neighbors Moving In.

Silence.

Final.

I’m exhausted.

Tried light House Chores today, but my Body would not let me.

Youngest Cat, asleep at my feet.

Eldest Cat roaming, hungry.

Me.

Pain,

Frustration.

Alone, once again. *(We “broke-up” Thursday early morning).

But, as it says, and I still believe, it happened for a reason.

A Reason I don’t comprehend, but it did.

I’m going to try to enjoy my Saturday now since Landlord is coming tomorrow early to fix the Dryer.

My eyes, closing with wanted sleep and body done.

I will take my boys out on the Enclosed Porch *(The weather has calmed), and see where the rest of this Saturday takes me.

If I could ever find my Person again, I would be okay, content, happy with that.

But, I already found my Person. And, for a short period of time, two Souls were one.

Reflection Quarter

Good Morning Sunday.

Awake at 6:22a.m with I’m not sure of hours of dreams, but Tachycardia in Full-Mode.

This Weekend, was a bust.

I should expect that now, but there’s a sliver of me in positive, hope.

I’m behind on House Chores,

So at 99, I started

Laundry ×3

Dishwasher ×2

Sweeping and other stuff needs to get done, but shall see *(with my Tachy).

I did have another “Date” last evening.

This time, here.

Talking, Movie.

I did most of the talking.

He was tired, unexpected that I wanted to hang out.

Around 9:30 p of m he arrived and returned to his place at 12:32 a of m.

The Movie:

Silver Linings Playbook.

He had never seen it.

*I don’t have my Prime Account now and I wasn’t able to rent anything from my T.V.

He was lost in the movie at first, but got into it.

We made it half-way through before he left.

I stayed still for maybe another 25 minutes myself before I headed my own way to slumber.

I really wanted to stay awake and actually get Laundry done and finish Season 2 of Thirtysomething.

But, my mind won.

Only to open my eyes to the worst Tachycardia I’ve experienced in awhile.

Reason?

Stress and lack of sleep this past week.

Monday started of great.

By Thursday, I was beat.

To a point of How?

Friday? Stress beyond due to circumstances my body can’t even write about.

This Week?

Has to be more Rest

Less Stress

Things

Fixed.

A small proportion of positivity, hope at play.

I found this photo 6 years ago.

Prism.

In positivity, light.

A glass or other transparent object in prism form, especially one that is triangular with refracting surfaces at an acute angle with each other and that separates white light into a spectrum of colors.

Time Retracted

Funny how, time flies.

Is this a question or statement?.

That line always reached inside me, since I was a kid.

When that Song came on the radio *(My Parents didn’t own any of their Music), those lyrics always spoke to me.

How he pauses then drags it out like Time actually is and does in our existence.

Like Now:

Time is speeding up. I feel like the last seven years have been erased.

By Time.

Either Time spent on emptiness, Love, Marriage, Health, Friendships.

So much wasted.

Even as a Child, I promised myself in my youth bed/Lavender Unicorn Comforter and then Hearts Comforter hiding, but promising myself:

Don’t waste time.

Your life cannot take it.

I tried, but as I laid there in that bedroom in the House of Horrors, I didn’t see myself past Seventeen.

I know I have written about this before.

What eight-ten year old does that?

Thinks that?

Feels that.

*Continued from 6 days ago.

I wonder, actually ponder why is it here, I remember, reflect on pieces of my childhood so vividly and sporadically only to forget I did so the following days to come.

Is it the alone factor?

Further from my Family *(Parents), and the strains that are present *(Quite a cyclical nature).

The things that have happened these last 10 Months?

Strange, bizarre in a way.

Momentary memories hit me without reasoning.

Like now.

My Father cooking his Sunday Special:

Biscuits and Gravy.

He would wake up earlier than anyone *(He would cook this Meal in both The House of Horrors and the “New” House, which has been lived in by my Parents for twenty-seven years this late October).

When we did move to the “New” house, these Sundays became less. And completely vanished within a year or two.

My Father was ecstatic to share his culture with Us.

There was so much food *(For us, since we were Working Class before the move).

Eggs, Bacon, Gravy, Biscuits, Coffee (Parents), and Milk (kids).

My Mother never really adapted her palate for my Father’s infamous Dish, as neither did I.

But, I clearly remember how happy my Father was those Sunday Mornings, cooking and cleaning for his Family.

In that short-amout of Time we dwelled in/at The House of Horrors, that’s the hours, days I recall my Father being happy:

Saturdays (Mostly)

And Sunday Mornings.

I was eleven when he moved from The House of Horrors, that would make my Father, 34.

I guess his Time of happiness ran-out.

Like, Me.

The Crying Game

“I’m sorry you did not deserve this
You deserve better
I will not do that to you again
You deserve so much better”

My New Therapist.

I tried to hurt myself last night.

It’s been eight years since the last attempt.

Why?

$119.00 was taken out of my Bank Account without my knowledge/was post dated early, and that left me with

$30.00.

I do not get paid again until two more Fridays.

As I stated,

I don’t understand.

The loss has to stop.

I’m tired.

So, I thought it would be best to never wake-up.

Why?

I don’t have enough finances to make it to my Job.

So, whatever is occurring in my life,

It won.

But, I did wake up today, in pain, angry.

Angry that I attempted to end my life again.

I immediately called my new Therapist, left a Voicemail.

My new Therapist called me back within 20 minutes.

An Emergecy Session?

Most definitely.

Was I honest?

Yes.

*Only my new Therapist and Mi Gemela know the Details and that I actually did it.

So, now what?

I have been doing my House Chores

Laundry ×3

Dishwasher ×3

Even Cooking *(as we speak). *I’ve only used my stove 15 Times in 13 Months, and something spilled over and singed the bottom, so once again smoke filled rented house.

Can’t even enjoy Cooking anylonger.

But, I need food that will last me a Week, so I made myself Cook and more Cleaning after.

Went to get last Laundry in dryer and I turned said stove up, more smoke.

It’s so bad, I had to open a Window.

Something I’ve never done since I’ve dwelled/Rented here.

Well, I’m done for today.

Finish Laundry and Disaster in rented kitchen then off to bed.

I will be able to make it to Work tomorrow.

I asked for help, which led to more problems.

But, that’s my existence now.

Before Alive

Good Morning rainy Saturday.

Awoke to clouds and under the weather *(about 5 Hours of sleep).

I had a ‘date’ last evening.

I met him two weeks ago *(The day before my Birthday).

I was beyond tired, still in work clothes, running all over town, but I still went.

We hung out at his place.

Something I have not done since 02/24/2018.*(Vegan Potluck Dinner Event).

I got there a little after 10:00p.m. And stayed until 12:29a.m.

We watched television and talked.

Conversation was good.

He walked me down and when I made it home, it was such a bizarre concept.

Meaning, I actually met someone, had a nice time, and I left my dwellings/Routine.

He wanted me to message him when I returned home *(I did)

and I did not go to slumber until 3:23 a of m.

That means I almost pulled a 24 Hour.

Something I have not done or capable of in years.

Back to the ‘Date.’

I’m not physically attracted to him *(He looks much older in person), so this makes it easier on/for me.

Easier for me not to get attached.

I just want a friend.

I know this now.

How?

Half way through the drive back, reflection, haunting me. Someone I cannot let go even though I no longer have the desire to know if it would have ever been in my last life-time.

Also, this is a Weekend full of Dates.

1. My 20 Year HS Reunion. *(Couldn’t afford the Ticket. How pathetic.

I attended my 10 Year Reunion.

2. 2 Year Anniversary of my Best Friend’s Death. *I have not mentioned him in 5 months here.

What will I do this evening?

My usual Saturday Night Routine?

I’m tired.

Eyes are heavy as my Soul.

So much loss these past 10 Months, I just want it to stop.

Time

Memories

Return is inevitable.

A struggle I cannot let go of.

So, Rainy Saturday Morning, I will begin my new Morning Routine, watch Six Feet Under from bed until dreams come.

Then Saturday House Chores and my Saturday Night Film.

The End.

“Find light in the beautiful sea, I choose to be happy
You and I, you and I, we’re like diamonds in the sky
You’re a shooting star I see, a vision of ecstasy
When you hold me, I’m alive, we’re like diamonds in the sky

I knew that we’d become one right away, oh, right away
At first sight I felt the energy of sun rays
I saw the life inside your eyes

So shine bright tonight, you and I
We’re beautiful like diamonds in the sky
Eye to eye, so alive
We’re beautiful like diamonds in the sky.”

Who is this really for?

Teacher Of A Lesser God

I had to change my 8p.m Therapy Session to 1p.m.

I needed to talk sooner due to my wretched Health and the anxiety that took over me.

Wasted Energy as my new Therapist says.

100 Percent True and Truth.

I have to let go.

It’s never coming back and even though I do not deserve what occurred, I know I cannot hold on.

So, how do I do so, when I worked so damn hard and was apart of something great

Only to be thrown away, forgotten.

That’s how.

I have to see that now.

Not just with my eyes buy my heart.

I know I promised myself I wouldn’t think with my heart any longer, but in this case, I have to.

It hurts not just on a

Professional Level, but Personal.

After all the Verbal Abuse and Discrimination, how could I continue?

I did harder than ever.

Just taking it all until I became someone else.

I know this now.

I see it from others and myself as I look outside at what I’ve done these past few months.

Trust is broken, gone

Fear

Anxiety.

All due to me taking it for so long, I forgot that that’s not how one should be treated especially when the individual goes above and beyond what is constantly asked of her.

Ties were to be severed 4 Weeks Ago.

But, were not.

I couldn’t. It was a slap in my face.

It hurt beyond.

But, now I know now.

It will never be what it was.

The Job or People.

And that’s the saddest part of all.

But, my time, hours, days cannot hold on to something that might never return to once was.

I have to walk away on my own terms and know that I was a damn good Educator, Hard Worker, Dedicated.

Forever.