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Perspective Of Hearts

Good Afternoon, Sunday.

Sadness is on the horizon with a touch of hope.

My Mother left 35 minutes ago.

I watched her back out into the alley, and without thinking, I stood at my stairs to my front door (to Porch) and watched her make a left at the light and drive-away.

This is what my (Late) Grandfather used to do when we would leave.

He could see us from his Drive-Way when turned onto Laramie.

I had this instant moment of sadness when I recalled my (late) Grandfather doing as I was in those present seconds.

My Mother and I got to spend another hour together.

She left 30 minutes earlier from her original plan due to the weather up North.

But, she ate Breakfast as we talked and it was nice.

We still didn’t get to talk about the deep

Mother/Daughter stuff or my secret, but she told me on my snowy drive-way, she would come back for another Weekend. *(When the weather is better).

I hugged her tight and told her:

“There is something I want to tell you, I don’t want anymore wasted time.”

She agreed.

It felt good to say that.

I think about it.

I write about it.

And now, I got to say it, face-to-face.

Now, I am trying to rest.

My body is spent as is my heart.

I get to dream until 7a.m tomorrow *(No Split due to the Federal Holiday).

That’s sleeping-in for me.

So, Anxiety?

Yes.

My Mother driving the two hours and seven minutes back in weather, my exhaustion/body, and my Co-Worker *(revieved one Text stating a decision she decided to make regarding a huge plan today. I replied “Ok.” And that is all).

Slumber is calling.

I think I slept maybe a total of less than 12 hours in two days.

And my Saturdays are my finding extra slumber type of days.

Eyes are closing.

I wish for a rest of a good

Sunday.

I am in hope my Anxiety doesn’t win, and I can begin again.

I see this photo today with different eyes, perspective of hearts.

I want to be okay.

I’m sorry I’m not and that’s me reaching for my Mother, to not let time drift away and I am no longer fighting my secret.

Szeretlek Anya.

Mother’s And Daughter’s

Good Morning Sunday.

As my Mother sleeps in my Livingroom *(That’s correct. No Hotel/Motel),

I am quite saddened to say, my

Co-Worker and I are no longer Friends.

It began Saturday morning via text messages.

I was at my Co-Worker’s Place and came home at 5:35a.m.

My Co-Worker actually had to Work *(covering a shift) and had to be there at 6:30a.m.

Around this time, I received a strange text asking me why I took something out of the Fridge.

The context was that I’m taking things from my Co-Worker’s Place.

N O.

I replied.

Nothing.

Called.

Rejected.

Called at Work, was rushed off the phone.

I receive 1 message fours later, nothing to do with the “issue.”

My Co-Worker had time to respond and be very active on Social Media, but not to me?

I finally receive a text 2.5 hours later, that was quite nasty in my eyes.

It hurt to read it, meaning I did not understand where this was coming from.

All I saw was how I was there two Saturday’s ago during the huge tragedy that occurred/my Co-Worker experienced, and being needed and that following Sunday, sharing with my Co-Worker my feelings about being my Best-Friend.

My Co-Worker’s last text *(haven’t heard from since Saturday and this is the first time since we got close) stating we are friends.

How?

When you ignore me, not being direct and thinking I’m like your recent past.

So, again, I am alone.

Even with my Mother here, I’m alone.

No more Best Friend, spending time,

And my Mother’s Visit, started off not well, which is still rewinding in my mind.

She called me on Saturday, late morning screaming at me stating, “I’m not coming down there to hear you talk about said Co-Worker.”

She arrives at 1:29p.m *(Hour behind Schedule).

We sat, not really Visiting, some talk.

I’m feeling lousy.

I had to do some major Cleaning *(My Mother assisted).

I did not complete any other Routines, so I am bombarded with Laundry, Mopping, and Dishes today.

We started a Movie Bohemian Rhapsody *(I had a feeling she would enjoy the Film.

We watched One Hour, I finished getting ready, and we went out to Dinner.

Dinner was difficult *(meaning my Health).

My Mother seemed to be ok.

We really didn’t talk much either, just about the Food and nothing of substance.

After, we headed to my local Grocery Store *(the one I don’t shop at, too expensive).

My Mother was kind enough to purchase all the Items ($53.00).

We return to my Place, and we finished Bohemian Rhapsody.

My Mother wants to settle in for the night, and I let her pick the second feature, Loving.

She became irritated with me about true comments I stated regarding the Country at the time *(in the Movie), and I felt silent.

Here, I was hurting and I couldn’t express my emotions *(I got to talk about it for a few minutes at the Restaurant) and now I’m being silent in my own home.

A deep sadness rolled in, bigger than any ocean.

I wanted my Mother to leave, my Co-Worker to explain Why, and be alone.

The Movie was a little over two hours.

I sat comfortably numb, thinking, I’m alone in Company.

I got her sleeping arrangements going while the movie was still playing *(It was difficult, but I did it).

And I finally asked her why she got so upset.

She stated why, and that was that.

Movie ended, and we went to bed *(Hugs in the Kitchen before).

Now, she is asleep and is departing in less than four hours.

I want time with her.

An Hour.

My Mother and I talked.

She was still asleep when I went to clean-up the kitchen.

She woke and we talked as I completed my Friday Routine *(Dishes) and made her some Coffee.

We went into the livingroom as I started to cry about my

Co-Worker.

My Mother mentioned something that I did not think of yesterday, and it hurt even more.

My Mother let me talk about it and I began to process my

Co-Worker and the person my Co-Worker is.

I was told on Friday, my Co-Worker lost a few Friendships with other Co-Worker’s due to my Co-Worker’s behavior.

So, blaming me for taking things, then ignoring me, how are we still friends?

It will never be the same.

Not for me.

And, I’m not sure when *(soon though), I’m going to return all the hand-me-downs and other things she has gifted/given me *(Even the Homemade Valentine’s Day Card).

I cried more for the loneliness then the loss of the Friendship *(My Mother stated she thinks we’re still Friends, but not to say a Word since 1:30p.m Saturday, is not like her or our Friendship).

So, I will return to Weekend Nights alone.

And I don’t understand.

I am grateful for the Hour I got to Visit with my Mother.

We will have a little more time after she finishes getting ready to head home, but at least I got time.

Next Weekend Presents, Mother

Good Morning Sunday.

Again.

This up-coming week is going to be brutal.

I have Work/Educate, Wednesday is my Fifteenth Anniversary of my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy, and Friday after Work/Educate, I prepare for my Mother’s Trip.

Yes, you read correctly.

We planned it in January, actually in December *(Christmas Eve, when my Parents were in town), but confirmed in January.

My Mother called it: “Mother/Daughter Weekend.

Which, we have not had since February 2009, when she came to Visit me when I lived in TexAss. *(She came to visit the first Weekend in February 2009 due to me being alone while my Ex-Husband was Deployed (#2).

She stayed at our Duplex.

I arranged our Office into a Second Bedroom.

It was nice.

She thought so too.

The Weekend was going well*(I took her to a Go-Kart Venue, Dinner at a fantastic Mexican Restaurant) until she made a nasty comment about what not to eat, and as a recovered Anorexic, I stood-up for myself to her the first time in regards to Food/Weight Comments. *(Funny, I was wearing a Size 5 when she made that Comment).

After I had to live with my Parents for 13 Months due to another Deployment, and I moved to a town 45 minutes West of them, there was no need for a Mother/Daughter Weekend.

But, then when I moved an hour and a half away, and only 5 Visits in 15 Months, she told me she wished she would have come down for a Weekend.

Now, 2 Hours and 7 Minutes away, I’ve seen my Parents 3 Times *(twice together) in a little over 3 Months.

So, the reason for this surprising occasion?

The Anniversary of my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy.

15 Years.

I guess it finally hit my Mother. *(She has never asked me about it. Ever).

She is arriving on Saturday, and staying at a Motel.

I am not sure when she will be here, I am hoping late-morning, so we have time together.

That means, Friday after Work/Educate, I will be massively cleaning *(Up to standards).

Wby a Hotel?

When she came to Visit Ten years ago, I had two dogs, no cats.

She is allergic to both.

But, it’s the space/room of my place now, I guess she wants her own place. *(It’s the smallest place I’ve lived at/in since Graduate School #1).

I am not sute yet on the Itinerary, but I am hopeful.

Prediction Past

Good Morning, Sunday.

Early.

I found slumber after 4:00p.m on a Saturday. Only to thtee hours later of exhaustion, anger, and sadness.

I found slumber again post 9:00p.m, waking every so often, but forced myself to stay in dreams.

Confusion set in when my eyes were focusing, the room, still in darkness.

Had I slept to/through another day?

I quickly got up when I realized, I needed to feed my Cats, and take my Medication.

So, yesterday,

My Plans completely erased.

I had my entire Saturday planned out, due to what Weekend it is.

I finished a Film then after another round with a Company I am very disappointed with, I treated myself to a movie I have wanted to see since November, Bohemian Rhapsody.

It was good.

Yes, I had read reviews of many inaccuracies, but in-all, the movie was good.

I did cook *(Not what was apart of The Plan), something I can nosh on during the Work Week, and then my body was just done.

Now,

I did hear from my

Co-Worker.

A few texts about plans for today and feeling better from yesterday *(why I didn’t hear/receive anything).

Still, no apologies for Friday Night, but I guess expectations are different.

Meaning, I thought I had a real friend again, but apparently it is not the way.

I’m over exhausted *(Need Compression Stockings, so that contributes to the pain/exhaustion) and feeling unwell.

So, I am going to finish my Sunday Routine and rest.

I just had a flashback.

Sunday at my (Late) Grandfather’s house.

I was 13.

We would order Pizza *(which always took an hour to deliver) and afterwards, watched The Commish.

I don’t know why on earth I just had this memory, but it is a happy one.

Yes, I still had Sunday Anxiety, but I loved going to my (Late) Grandfather’s house (wish it was not Sold) and spending time with him. *We always talked in the Front Room, either as soon as we arrived or waiting for the Pizza.

Those are the moments I miss with him *(My Late Grandfather).

It’s 9 Years this year since his Passing.

A LOT of difficult and painful Anniversaries coming-up.

Too much to handle.

So, like one of my favorite photographs, I wish for a glimpse.

Most want their Future.

Not I.

A glimpse into the Past. So, I could escape inside the Crystal Ball and have many re-do’s

And try to remain young, forever.

Less Than Sarcasm

Good Morning Saturday.

What a week.

A week of very hard Work and my body spent, beyond.

Having to rise at 4:20 now 3 of the 5 days has pushed my body beyond.

So, I was hoping last evening, a relax night with my Co-Worker.

She told me a day or two before we would go out, but my body just couldn’t.

Then she let’s me know her new “Friend” is coming over, so that means I’m not spending the night.

In the end,

My Co-Worker blows me off.

“I thought you didn’t want to do anything. Just come hang out for a few hours.”

As I sat in my Vechile ready to cry/scream.

One, never stated that. I just wanted a chill night.

Two, this Weekend is very difficult and sad for me.

In Four Days, it is the

15th Anniversary of my Total Abdominal Hysterectomy.

I needed my Friend.

But, going out and new BF are more important.

I feel fucking stupid.

That’s right.

Stupid.

Here, I thought I found someone that was truly my Friend *(ESPECIALLY, after last Weekend), and this occurs?

I don’t get it.

I knew when my

Co-Worker met new “Friend” things were changing, shifting.

But, in less than a week?

And knowing how this Weekend would affect me?

Just spoke with my

Co-Worker.

Couldn’t talk.

Headache.

Out all night at said Bar, was even driven home. “Will talk later, when feeling better.”

That makes me feel terrific.

Sarcasm and Numb.

This is the original photo from the Album(Vinyl) The Wall by Pink Floyd (My favorite Album by them).

How perfect, no perfection is this artistry for what I am feeling.

Feelings.

Over.

Emergency Friendship

Good Morning, Sunday.

What a Weekend.

As I lie here, I’m beat, exhausted, worried.

My Co-Worker made it back yesterday at 3:15p.m *(later than I expected).

And I asked if I should call, and I got a “Yes.”

I was needed, immediately.

I felt awful, but I pulled myself together in pieces and went to be there.

I walked in, and it was intense.

I was asked to stay over, which of course I would, but I was pushing my body/health beyond it’s capacity.

Another Friend came over for support, and he stayed a few hours.

After he left, my

Co-Worker and I just talked.

Talked about it all, what happened, the whys.

Then we watched Backdraft.

It kept my

Co-Worker’s mind away from the pain, tragedy that occurred.

We both crashed early. On a Saturday, it was maybe 10:30, but I was actually tired and my Co-Worker needed to find slumber.

I had nightmares about it all, awaking to my Co-Worker’s Cat crying or I’m thinking I hear someone at the door. *(I wasn’t frightened, I just wanted Us to be safe).

I woke many times throughout Saturday Night, which I have not been out on a Saturday in a year.

Saturday’s have become my day.

My Day due to it being the only 24 Hours I have off.

But, I was needed in an emergency and I wanted to be there.

Before, I left this morning, I said something to my Co-Worker that I’ve wanted to say for awhile.

When I said it, it hurt in a good way.

My Wall, dismantling in the Friendship Department.

My Soul is still mending, but with change.

I’m trying to control it better and have more positivity even in all my darkness.

And the fact of the matter, is my Co-Worker only asked me to come, stay and I only know the situation 100% lets me know there is hope still left in me.

Now, Sunday Routine being completed with a little extra *(Laundry), and rest/relax and shake my Sunday Anxiety blues.

I am sad for my Co-Worker.

What happened brought back memories of things that I experienced, and we have that in-common.

Another bond between.

I see this as a perfect expression of yesterday.

I was needed, and I’m opening myself again.

Giving my heart hope in that Friendships still can form even when I’m at my worst of where I want to be.

That is the road to heal.

In-to Directions

Good Morning Saturday.

Awake before sunlight, restless.

A LOT on my mind.

So, laundry, sweeping, tidying-up

Then, beginning over two hours ago, my Co-Worker needed me.

It’s a serious situation, a crisis really.

It’s bad.

And I helped what was needed.

I feel terrible I couldn’t do more.

So, return to restless.

Mopping, Laundry, worrying about my Co-Worker, things on my mind/heart.

Body is spent from a Week of hard work and insane weather.

So, today, I’m going to take it easy *(as I can) and hope my Co-Worker is okay and later I will find myself in Films, Choices, and trying not to feel.

My feelings are mostly dead, but what remains are memories that break me.

There is a track that I’m currently listening to that I purposely stayed away from for a year.

The Track is only 2min 16 seconds, but the Music, Words, are hurtfully true, truth.

It takes me to a place I don’t want to go, revisit.

But, I have to face it.

And move forward forever.

“I know the story by heart.”

My life.

I have a Photographic Memory, which means a Photographic Heart.

The pain remains no matter how much I’ve tried to ignore, erase it.

So, I’m looking for another direction.

My life depends on it.