Start here

The Myriad Rerun

Good Afternoon Sunday.

Banned Playlist In Full Swing as I lie here ready for another round of slumber.

Standing by the trapdoor aware of me and you
The actor and the clown they’re waiting for their cue
And there’s a lady over there she’s acting pretty cool
But when it comes to playing life
She always plays the fool
.” Too Late For Love

Before, I always associated this song with my late Best Friend.

When we first met in February 2016, there was an instant attraction, but he was up-front as was I.

But, things changed.

It wasn’t long, maybe early March *(2016), and we made a decision, a choice one evening to change roles.

It was an understanding we both shared.

But, due to secret circumstances, nothing happened more than a short version of besos.

I was a little disappointed, but what could I or he do?

After,

It was clear, we were meant to be Best Friends. And, we were up to the day of his Suicide. *(Sept. 2016).

Maybe this is my weekly epiphany:

My last Relationship was just to fill the Void of his Death and my Love for another.

Well, I let his Ghost go almost two years ago, and my Love for that other ended a year ago.

So, what is the issue?

I feel nothing.

And I know partially why this has happened inside/out.

But, there is an unknown inside.

I can feel it.

I hate my Life and I only love my Cats.

And, I keep this underneath by my ability to survive on what very little I have and as an Educator, I’m not allowed to feel.

EVERYTHING is checked once I lock-up my Front Door.

And, I’m tired.

So, how do I reclaim the vibrant colors I used to carry inside?

Or is it too late?

New Attachment.

Reminds me of my Life now.

A Cycle of unhappiness and citcumstances that continue/interrupt my existence.

I no longer have the capability for love.

Just memories.

Total Weekend Motility

Good Morning, Saturday.

I don’t know how to feel.

Or what I feel.

Is this possible?

Yes.

I went on a Date last night after a very long week at Work/Educate.

We met two weeks ago, so didn’t seem rushed and we had an over 2 hour phone conversation Thursday evening that put me in bed at 2:00a.m *(ON A WORK NIGHT).

*Yes, I was a Zombie, but it was a good and productive day.

So, return to Date.

By 7:30p.m, I just wanted to crawl in my duvet and dream the night away.

*(He promised he would show here at my place between 7:30p.m-8. He was late).

When he came in *(He was here once before. A few days ago. Damsel in distress. Yes, ME).

So, there was no first awkward hug or eye contact.

However, even in so much exhaustion, I was shocked when he pulled out this little Gray and Black Box.

He bought me a Silver Necklace with His Birthstone.

He put it on me, and I felt overwhelmed.

We went to my favorite local spot in town *(he lives in a different city, but close enough to maintain a Relationship) and we talked and the conversation was good.

But, it’s the information he shared with me on Thursday evening that haunts me.

I’m in confliction, once again.

Return to Date.

Afterwards, we returned to my place and watched most of The Dirt and he asked to crash.

I did not want company after hours, but I understood why he asked.

He left at dawn due to Work *(which he did not tell me he had to Work today. I so could have slept Friday evening).

Now, the confliction:

I don’t know how to feel, process the information he shared with me and his already intense emotions for me.

And today, I feel so lousy, and in so much pain, and the Accident still with me, a Decision I have to make, I’m already in the overwhelmed department.

Continued.

Good Morning, Sunday.

Sun like a razor cutting through as my Anxiety is worse than ever.

Shitty Saturday.

Shitty Saturday night.

In-regards from my Health.

I did complete my entire Saturday Routine and spoke with him for over two hours later in the evening.

*The talk was good.

But, I was restless and uneasy.

I tried watching The Breakfast Club, but could not focus.

I then realized, I hadn’t eaten a thing in two days, so I ordered a GF Pizza. Then, it hit, I had not eaten a full meal in almost 14 days.

Found slumber a few hours later, only to wake every hour starting at 6:30.

Then the Nightmares began.

Full REM Cycle of 100% Nightmares/PTSD.

Spoke with him today *(He’s worried/concerned about me, so I called even though I didn’t want to).

And I had a nice almost 50 minute conversation with my Mother. ALOT of reminiscing going on during those minutes of time.

They *(My Family) have Easter Plans today.

I do not celebrate Easter *(Most know I am a different Faith).

So, the annoying “Happy Easter” texts I thought that would usually flood my phone, only one.

Now, I’m down and hurting. The Nightmares drain me from life and my Disability is once again, heightened this Easter Sunday.

So, a little Rx and Sprite Zero, and I am hoping for more rest and a decrease in pain.

Tomorrow is the last day of Spring Break at Work/Educate, so long Sunday then prepare to return to Split-Shift.

I’m overwhelmed with all I have to do in the house today, my new Relationship, and my Life, so in wishes, the Dream Gods are listening.

I’m listening to a Track I have not listened to in over two years.

It’s been on the Banned List.

Too Late For Love by Def Leppard.

Album: Pyromania.

Why on the banned list?

It was a jam that my late Best Friend and I listened together at our after-hours bar.

I would always play 5 Songs and this was one of them.

I haven’t listen to this song or Band since his Death.

I think the concept and lyrics are what I began yesterday:

What I feel.

I think it is too late to feel.

I feel dead on the inside.

Not metaphorically, but truly empty.

And, I fill myself with my Secret and memories.

*My Cats and Films/Movies too.

Also, I have not attached/posted the latter still-shot.

A Still-Shot from the Video “Burning down the house” by Talking Heads.

The Still-Shot is of

David Byrne.

I’ve described what I feel his idea was for that particular moment during the Video once, but I feel that it reflects me now more than ever.

So, with a Banned Song, Disability, and time running slow, I close my eyes to my darkness and the Decision I have to make.

The Choice Patrol

Good Morning Sunday.

A Snow Storm and too many feelings for a decision begin my day *(besides laundry).

This Weekend has been a blur.

I mean this metaphorically and in physical presence.

Physical: Concussion.

I have been doing research on the impacts of different ways Concussions effect an individual, and mine is still Moderate.

*That’s why my Doc wanted me on mandatory rest for 3 Days, but only got 2. *(Well Both days, I had Tests, and Friday morning was stressful for me)

Metaphorically:

I have a MAJOR decision to make/complete this week, but I don’t know how.

Once again, I feel like a failure and under pressure.

I don’t want to have complete this decision, but it’s looking more and more in that direction of life.

I look at my two Cats. Both ontop of the bed.

One asleep.

One window gazing, but ready for kitty dreams.

And a part of this decision is letting one of them go.

How am I supposed to choose?

By time? Which Cat have I had longer? Which Cat is Older/Younger.

Bond? Which Cat has a stronger relationship with me, more affectionate, close.

Well, My Older Cat:

I Rescued/Adopted Him in February 2013.

He is now Eight Years Old, and he has been through it all: my old life, Disability, re-locating twice, the loss of pets *(one to Premature Death).

My Other Cat:

Today, marks the 1 Year Anniversary I Rescued/Adopted Him.

He is now 3 years old. Has relocated once and been through a lot this past year.

He is the one who shows the most affection *(since the day I rescued him).

But, hurt my other Cat.

My Other Cat is a great Talker, but he’s your usual feline.

In the past five months, his happy place is in an unpacked box in my bedroom closet.

He’s in there most of the day. *(A lot of it I think is to separate himself from my other Cat).

When I’m sick with my Disability, alone, my newest Cat is right there.

He’s with me always.

My other Cat used to be like that before I became Disabled and Rescued/Adopted my (late) Cat.

So, is that how I chose?

Why should I have to?

The circumstances I am in, it is this way.

And I still have Sunday to worry about.

I never thought I would use this Photo again.

But, it’s beyond accurate.

The Snow, Tears, Circumstances.

It’s a still-shot I took and edited.

It also makes me think of these lyrics:

All of the dreams that get harder All of the things that I offer you

And all of the shit that we harbour
[…] Maybe the tears and the highs we breathe […]
But you’re not what you thought you were But you’re not what you thought you were

(Liability)
But you’re not what you thought you were
(Make you leave)
But you’re not what you thought you were
(You leave).” Lorde

Cracks Of Misfortune

Good Morning Monday.

Yes, Monday.

Lying ontop of my destroyed beautiful white Comforter in pain as I prepare for my Work Day. *(I did not go in my a.m. Split-Shift. I am still in a lot of pain).

This Weekend was awful.

Friday was okay.

But, my anticipations for Saturday, broke me.

I was supposed to have Plans *(Another Date) with the new person. We even confirmed late Friday night, and he just vanished.

I DON’T GET IT.

By Noon, when I did not here from him, I knew “something” was wrong.

So, I sent a text after 6p.m., Nothing.

So, I decided to just be alone.

Re-Watched The Dirt and did my Saturday Routine, and spoke with my Friend later that evening via Messenger.

Sunday.

Nothing.

I was a mess Sunday.

In so much pain.

My face hurts, eyes swollen, body aches.

I did not complete any Sunday Routine.

Instead, sticking-up for myself which caused a massive break in the Nuclear Family.

But, I’m tired of the double standards, and in-between Family Dynamics i.e consistency.

That fight, pushed me over the edge.

I needed assistance getting my Disability Rx, and ended up talking for 1 Hour 50 Min.

I felt somewhat better in the emotional sense, but physically still in so much pain.

*Still no word from new person.

I have 4 Days of Split-Shift this week, and then a break next week.

Why?

Spring-Break, so my Hours change.

And I change.

More, me time.

I cannot function on literally 2.5 Hours a Day of me time.

I just had an epiphany:

I know why I have changed, shifted personally with myself and my Secret,

I don’t have enough

Me Time.

I feel under pressure, pressure from literally coming home, Routine, take care of house, Cats, then sometimes not even 2.5 Hours to myself.

I even had to break now to finish getting ready *(Since becoming Disabled, “getting ready for work is difficult. I’ve never told anyone. I have to do it in Stages due to my Tachycardia, Legs, and Medication).

Now, return to stated epiphany:

Me Time for myself means unwinding from my day without interruptions and quiet.

Yes, I watch Television, but it’s time for myself.

Even before I was Disabled, I always had Me Time.

But, 2.5 hours then getting up 7 hours later (NEVER straight slumber, always interrupted) and Work/Educate 6:15-8:30.m then returning 12-6p.m *(Some Days due to Districts Schedules 11:00a.m), and during my Break, I’m continuously running errands, laundry, and maybe have 1.5 hours of a Break.

I am tired.

Now, with the Accident, it’s impossible.

But, I am needed.

So, with that being said, I need to have a little silence.

The pain is intense and my body is heavy.

When will there be a light in the cracks of my misfortune.

“Every entanglement works loose at last. While we are sure of our truth and hold it fast, Our lives gloss over those with bad designs. A change of setting does not change the lines.” Attila Jozsef

Theatre Of Pain

Good Morning Saturday.

I was in a horrific accident on Thursday Afternoon. Aprox. 3:19p.m.

My Vechile, everything I’ve done, gave, borrowed, is gone.

Me?

I took 8 Stiches.

I look like

Frankenstein.

And, was anybody there?

No.

On Social Media, Yes due to the gory photo I posted.

In Real Life?

The only person who sat with me, listened, saw me in a bad mental and physical state, drove me home and then drove me the day after to retrieve my poor, lost car, is someone at my Job.

My own Mother still hasn’t called to see if I’m okay.

She did however scream to me “You’re never messaging me while I’m at work again.” (EVERYONE in my E.R Room heard that. I was embarrassed and deeply sad).

I did return to Work/Educate Yesterday.

A 5 Hour Day (which seemed longer than that just due to the injuries I sustained).

After I clocked out, I had to run a necessary errand, and now everything takes more time because I only have 1 feasible working door.

So, what seemed forever, I noticed it was past/passed 7:30 to be exact 7:33p.m.

I couldn’t sit there, still recalling it all.

PTSD from all the Blood pouring from me.

So, I left.

I wanted to run.

But, I ended up at my Local Spot hoping to talk to the girl I befriended there.

Unfortunately, it was unusually busy for that time of evening, so it was just mini conversations in-between guests. *(I was in the Culinary/Restaurant Business for 7 years, so I understand and know the game. (I Worked at 5 Restaurants/Bar as a Cook, Hostess, and Server. And Attended a Culinary Arts Program at a Vocational Institute my Senior Year of Highschool and proceeded on to Culinary Arts School then Changing my Majors and Colleges).

I stayed until after hours, speaking with her Husband and got to meet their Daughter and I departed around 11:00p.m *(Or later).

I arrived at 11:30 and right away got comfortable and finished watching The Dirt. A Special On Netflix based on a Book by Motley Crüe.

It was laughable at most.

But, musically, terrific.

I’m probably one of the few Women who listens to the Records and not wanting a Band Member. *(I will agree, when Nikki Sixx was young/in his prime, he was good looking, or as I would say, Fine).

After the Flick, I finished an Episode of NYPD Blue. *(I’m on Season Three).

I crashed hard on my (late) Grandfather’s couch for a few then decided I wanted to dream in bed, hoping when I awoke, it was just all a bad dream.

Les Yeux Sans Visage

Good Morning, Sunday.

I want to start the a.m of with:

“I’m all out of hope.
One more bad break
Could bring a fall.

When I’m far from home
Don’t call me on the phone
To tell me you’re alone.

It’s easy to deceive.
It’s easy to tease,
But hard to get release.

Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Got no human grace
Your eyes without a face.

I spend so much time
Believing all the lies
To keep the dream alive.

Now it makes me sad,
It makes me mad at truth
For loving what was you.

Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.
Got no human grace,
Your eyes without a face.

[…]

Now I close my eyes,
And I wonder why
I don’t despise.

Now all I can do
Is love what was once
So alive and new,

But it’s gone from your eyes.
I’d better realise.

Les yeux sans visage.
Eyes without a face.” Eyes Without A Face Billy Idol

This has truly been my Weekend.

First, Friday:

Worked from 9-3 due to the Flood.

Ran multiple errands and felt like shit.

I found myself sitting on the back of my Truck *(something I have not done since I re-located here) weather permitted me to as my enotions.

I was sitting there and talking to my good friend via Telephone.

I didn’t realize that time had passed me, and I forgot to cancel/reschedule my Date.

Before I knew it, I’m getting a message (“I’m here. It’s 7p.m).

SHIT.

I’m still in my Work Outfit, and not wanting to move from my seat.

I try to get out of it *(The Date) and he proceeds to become EXTREMELY Aggressive to the point of a freak-out.

The only reason I drove to The Date was ONE horrific comment he said to me regarding my *(late) Son.

When I got out and started walking to his car, he began to apologize for about 45 minutes.

I decided to stick around.

Why?

Free time.

I just wanted to be comfortably numb.

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings. *(An Establishment I have not visited in 15 years).

We sat across from eachother, talking.

Real talk.

We ended up back at his house.

Listening to Music *(We both enjoy the 80’s Radio).

I opened my eyes, thinking I was comfortable, warm in my bed.

No.

I left

Returning to my place at 8:30a.m.

I messaged him, letting him know I made it home and thanking him for the Date.

No reply.

So, I’m already over it.

Saturday:

I maybe got two extra hours of slumber, feeling exhausted and sick.

I just wanted to dream.

But, my Saturday Routine, Cats and Necessary Phone Calls took place of my dreams.

I decided to have my Friend over who I have not seen in over a Month.

He arrived a little after 7, and stayed until 11:p.m

Something I was not expecting.

But, during that time, my Date called and left a Voicemail and stating why he didn’t reply.

I wanted to call him back right then and there, but couldn’t due to my Company.

So, I message him right after my Friend left and this morning, no reply(ies).

I don’t get it.

I don’t want games, guessing games, empty spaces of time.

Now, I awake to cold weather, under the weather, and knowing I have my Sunday Routine to complete and Anxiety to battle.

And as for the no reply(ies) this a.m, I’m leaving it alone.

I didn’t like how excited I became when I listened to his voicemail.

Yes, I do want

Companion(ship), but not feelings

That’s why I cut to this song.

The Video is Magnificent.

I’ve just recently stumbled upon it, and It’s on my top Playlist now *(80’s).

It’s at

0:56 of the Video that’s so painful it’s beautiful.

Billy Idol opens with these great lyrics as his face enters a close up, and he painfully smiles.

It is so present that it was difficult for him to shoot that scene.

One, it’s not a smile of joy, happiness.

Two, Idol smiling?

It goes right into the French Lyrics as he vanishes into the next scene.

The Lyrics alone are enough, but with the imagery and Idol’s pain, it completes the experience.

And that is how I feel regarding this weekend.

Too much of myself out there

Not enough of what I want.

Now, I’m fighting myself, wondering what it is I truly want.

The expectations have changed over the years as I.

And I have to face that, understand,

I am different and that has changed everything in my existence. *(My Disability. Yesterday, was my 4th Anniversary).

As Idol states:

“I’d better realise.”

“It’s gone from your eyes”

I see it since 2015.

It hurts.

Photographs of myself after 03302015

And I don’t know how to get it back, or if it ever will come back, the light of promise of feelings.

Out Of The Blue

Good Morning Sunday.

In-bed with some out-of-the-blue Stomach bug and thinking why is it so damn difficult to meet someone.

I heard from my Date last evening.

He stated:

You are too much drama but are a good person. After thinking about it, I don’t think we would get along. So, you now can have peace.

Laughing My Fucking Ass Off.

Really?

No.

He didn’t get his

One-Night Stand.

And I KNEW it was a mistake to have him over.

Every piece of me was rejecting the idea of having him over.

Why did I?

To tell the absolute truth?

I don’t know.

I’m in a space so deep with my new Disgnosis, the Unknown of it, and my Current Life, I’m not 100% into “Dating” right now.

Company?

Sure.

Relationships?

Maybe.

What he wanted?

Absolutely not.

So, I feel there is something wrong with me.

I spoke with my Mother this morning for forty-four minutes, and told her what occurred and what I think, feel in regards to myself.

She listened and tried to understand.

We did talk about our Visit and the nice hours we had *(This was the longest Visit with both my Parents together since I moved here. Six Hours to be exact).

I could tell my Mother had things to do, and she wanted me to rest.

My Stomach is awful and I needed today to go peaceful as it could have.

Why?

The One Year Anniversary of my late Cat’s passing,

Next Saturday,

4 Year Anniversary of 03302015

And alot of stress/pressure in my life.

I still have so much to do today, but with my abdomen the way it is, I’m in-bed.

And, I don’t know why/where this came from.

Out-of-the-blue.

Like my life.

I will try to dream if my body will let me.

And maybe I can find an answer to why I cannot meet someone.

It’s heartbreaking.

And I mean in a painful way, not sadness like it will all heal.

No.

Heartbreaking as if I don’t have a Person out there.